Ab Uses

where've you been.

this is for folks on both sides of the coin, abused and abusing, whatever you need to say.

i second kats remark towards the bottom, i have abused myself alot for the last 3 years, but now im in shape, i dont cut anymore, i dont smoke any more, i havent had any alcohol latly, and dont plan to (unless im making a drink for some one then i might taste it to mak sure i did it correctly) so basicly my advice is you ARE a GOOD PERSON and the is NO reason to abouse yourself! you all say its realy hard to stop cutting? that is just a mental blok! do you REALY think that i can break 5 boards if i was AFRAID of them? NO its all in your mind you say its hard to quit its hard to quit you say this is stupid im quiting you quit its easy!

Thomas reamember i love you so there IS some one in the world who dose!

• Ok, I can agree that abuse is something you do in your head ... and I'm glad you feel you're past your self abuse, Tom. However, I personally don't find it very helpful to hear about how abuse is easy to stop. Personally I don't find that to be so, and even if it is for you, it's not really okay to tell other people it should be easy for them. It just adds more layers of hurt to the mess.

I have abs! They have many uses!

I have abused drugs, and you know I am kind of a bitch about people doing drugs. I think it is pretty damn stupid to do drugs, and yet I did speed and I still kinda abuse alcohol. I am a hypocrite. Thank you -Gennie

abused. abusing. i think it's sometimes harder to admit that you have abused than it is to admit that you have been abused. i still can't bring myself to admit those things, i still can't say yeah, i abused this person & that person. i think that part of being a family is that you take your shit out on each other, so it's impossible to not abuse your family. or maybe that's just my family. i'm talking about emotional abuse here, by the way. in any case, i feel that i have abused my family. my immediate family, not my relatives. i have abused several of my friends, my close ones. i have manipulated & twisted my friends, & their words, around so that i couldn't get/hear what i wanted. there's this book my mom has about codependence, & it says to make a list of everyone you've hurt, & to apologize to them. it's a big step for people to do that, because it's so hard. *takes a deep breath* i feel i should say this, so here it is. here is a list of people i feel i have hurt, & an apology;

• ryland. i twisted your words, i tried to manipulate you. it doesn't matter if we both did it, what matters is that i did it, & i'm sorry.
• jasmine (o.). maybe i was too dependent, or too clingy. i don't know. anyway, i'm sorry.
• mitch. assumptions, eh? i'm sorry.
• tessa. i'm sorry.
• robyn. i'm sorry.
• chris. i'm sorry.
• jennyrose. read what i said about family. i'm sorry.
• my mother. she'll never read this, but anyhoo, i'm sorry.

wow...that was really hard. ok.

in other news, the past few days i've been thinking so much about my uncle & all the bullshit that comes along with that train of thought. i realized that i don't talk about it even in my journal while writing a letter to franny. i feel that my uncle has abused me. ugh. this is really scary to write. not just emotional abuse, but alot of that happened too.

& what about self-abuse? that's a subject i don't really feeling like delving into. but i've been a big self-abuser for about 3-4 years now.

ok. yeah. i am going to sign my name. *gulps*

kat

• kat, you're brave and we. love. you. just thought i needed to restate that. -franny
• sweetiegirl... would you like to talk about this more? I'm here...

I have abused my friends, my friends have abused me. Emotionally. And I don't know if I should write about it, because what I've gone through is just life, but it's left scars that I have to deal with now, because it's going to be there my whole life. The thing is that it's not like physical or sexual abuse, where I could confront the people... it's about naive young people manipulating each other and not knowing it until much later. I know I've done my share of manipulating and emotionally abusing people, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for it even though it's been months or years later. I wanted to apologize to people privately, but I'm afraid to bring anything back up again. I think the things that I still go through and overanalyze in my mind are things that other people have forgotten about and don't want brought back up, so I'll just apologize here, on some random wiki page. I'm sorry. I really am.

And now, another rant on abuse....

I tend to get self righteous about abuse, myself. I consider myself to have been a victim of emotional abuse at one point in my life, and that was very hard to realize, much less really think about. It's even harder for me to admit that I think I'm probably emotionally abused people as well, albeit unintentionally.

To me, abuse is all connected with me not feeling comfortable. I've done some bad things because I wasn't feeling comfortable and didn't want to say so, and because I wanted to feel comfortable and didn't. Not that abusing someone or being abused really helps with comfort, but somehow it seems that way at the time.

As for self abuse.... up until a few months ago I would have said I didn't abuse myself. I think that's untrue, but it's another one of those things... I'm pretty good with myself emotionally, aside from staying in situations I shouldn't in the name of the other person, which I'm practically famous for doing among people who know me well. I always do it.

I'd really like to say I've never hurt myself on purpose, but that's not true either. I don't cut, because I don't like to bleed. But sometimes when I can't get myself together, I bite my hands... especially the webbing. It makes very interesting marks, and it hurts just enough to make me pay attention.

Right. I'll sign this rambling monster and get it over with.