Click Crazy

In a time I was thinking about this and that most of what I thought revolved around negative things due to the way i percieved and processed peception in that state.(negative word association was upon me),in my mind was many things and here is, was, will, be, some of them . I thought about life in terms of 10 to 90. I saw people (including myself), sacrafice 10 percent for 90.I saw life as a series of accumplishments(excuse the misspelling)going from small and moving bigger and bigger in a feild of the infinit.if begings are wanting things and the end more important than the means ,I was there.I would travel along a bad path doing (sometimes) bad things and good (as one percieves them) to achieve small goals which would lead me to want bigger things which were further and further away.Distance it seemed would be the key .I wanted and would travel to the desire without apreciating the journey.I of course questioned this and questioned what I realy wanted and discovered what i realy wanted was to dream beautiful dreams. But(never start a sentence or paragraph with this)even thow I told myself to focus more on the journey and less on the goal (therefore achieving blance as apposed to up and downs highs and lows)my mind would keep on wandering back to a story. The story was about hitler,Jesus and buddah and it went like this and i made it up for myself so as not to offend or pretend. I thought of jesus as a symbl not a man (me no religion) I said ok well let us persume that this man was the personification(in form alone not reality) of all that was not selfish.he died (so say they) to save all of us and he could (if he so wanted supposedly) ask his father to save him and not suffer,but he died painfully even thow he didnt (in the sense of the story) have to.For me he symbolisd the unselfish man,yet he died unhappy. Then I thought of hitler the selfish man .completly sElfish (in my mind)he commited suicide and killed millions upon millions ,but in all his selfishness he was not happy(in my mind).give a peson a million then give a billion the moon the earth the universe,want more still ,yes ?= unhappy). In my opinion and in my mind being both selfish or selfless made not life an easier think to live with,both roads led to dead ends as i tried over indulgence and giving everything i had to give.you cant it would seem buy a stairway to heaven(a metaphorical place outside of time where desire ends and ambition is fullfilled). so then I thought ,what of the happy median? and I thought hitler(ego self and buddah recognition of love and of all humanity ,a desire to help fully aware and persuing only thought and inspiration(again as i saw it )hitler and buddah in one hitlebuddahr.

All this I did and i walked alone late at night(places and faces ,I did not want to talk to or get others down).Nothing would grow I loved nothing my self or nobody,all desire for others went and yet lingered,I kept thinking of the problem,Life a trap a box .a game with no begining end or middle we are aware of.I felt trapped.

Insperations come and insperations go,soulless today and soulless tomorrow a thought for a life time a thought for the right time,but what ends when the symbols shatter and who knows what happens 2 hearts? Ive been thinking and Ive been drinking and I think that I will drink some more.Words of songs books and things no longer had an effect.smoking a cigarette or smoking or taking other things no longer had a purpose all I saw them as was small accomplishments in small days that I didnt wish were big .friends I avoided and work lost my interest,eat, sleep, wake, aeo ,pan ,aeo, pan.no golden apple of the mind would hold me in rapture and I became(as I am sure you can see) far far 2 self absorbed,so I spoke to my consince(whos name I couldnt spell) and he and me(we) agreed that this whole want thing thing ,was silly but then again it is an accomplishment ot lose youre want to accomplish so I didnt try. Later I fell out with my "its not whether you win or lose its how you play that counts/the journey is more important than the goal"mentality ,fell back in with it then out again then in . I was looking for a quick fix mental solution(none) didnt get it and was living on pillz of hope and ectasy(neither of which make or made me happy)I stopped and here my dear reader is where I get off on myself I gave my soul away ,then my hear ,I gave my sleep away and a pattern emerged. want take give .1 2 3 .i noticed .why , i thought isnt that just like.begining middle end ? only different.so i thought in 3s and discovered a pattern or pattern in the way we percieve things and the way that experience or journey modifys perceprion(want).but I am only half way ther living on a prayer shot throught the heart there is no way back oooooooh heaven is (?) a place on earth.I am reaserching my thoughts and I have questions to ask people who want to partake in my little role playing senario of self discovery. PLEASE , i(small this time less ego) wish to hear and mutualy exchange thoughts ,if you have a happy word ,thought or just questions please please email me. metroclickin at hotmail.com talk.discover. p.s the number is only a means to an end(3/5/23)they not realy that important(?)