Dai Ly Horosc Ope

Okay, I got tired of reading my horoscope and finding it so completely normal and vague. I'm going the astrological cycle here and give ya'll some real, undiluted, unschoolerish crazy horoscopes. And please, feel free to jump right in and make your own creative prophecies!

Your astrologer, Eireann*What happened to the old horoscopes, eh?

• Horoscopes change every day! Eireann***Yeah, well, that doesn't mean we can't refer back to them, or don't want to.
• Does that mean you want an archive?

• Eireann, I have a deep desire all of a sudden to do horoscopes! Hope you don't mind my infringement. ~Becky~

Today's date is December 23^rd, 2001.

Aries

Today you will be consumed by a overwhelming desire for devine truth and wisdom. Don't worry, tomorrow you'll be back to normal.

Taurus

That seductive man in the corner booth really is looking your way, and would like to take you out for a drink sometime. Unfortunately, he also wants to suck your blood and take your firstborn child.

Gemini

Today is a good day to love yourself unconditionally, but don't worry about being nice to other people. After all, the doctor didn't said "terminal," he just said "life threatening."

Cancer

The police still can't figure out what you had to do with 200 angry crabs, a ferris wheel, and a half ton of KY jelly, but they're working on it by golly.

Leo

You've always known that you were just too damn sexy for you own good. This theory will bear fruit when the Mother Superior puts you in solitary confinement.

Virgo

You suddenly wish that you'd developed an aptitute in math when it becomes apparent that your entire life depends on finding the value of x an algebra problem.

Libra

Don't worry. If you can't see the monsters drooling hungrily just outside your door, they can't see you either.

Scorpio

You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a hamster-bather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.

Sagittarius

You may be the same sign as Jim Morrison, but in no way do you have his ability to pick up chicks.

Capricorn

Don't. Jump. We repeat. Do not jump. Come down from your 8^th story window ledge and the consequences will be much less severe than we previously implied.

Aquarius

Avoid men in pink fedoras today at all costs.

Pises

As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find true love.

Today's date is August 3, 2001. Mercury's in Leo, and Venus is in Cancer

Aries

Home is sacred, so bring some special things in to decorate it a little. You want to feel as safe as possible today, so surround yourself with things you know best.

Taurus

Let's pray someone doesn't give you a gun today! But a boxing or wrestling match may be in order.

Gemini

Yes, Gemini, it really is just your imagination!

Cancer

It's good to be you! You know where you're going, how to get there, and what impression you're making on others... whether you know it or not. Trust your instincts and let hell loose.

Leo

Have fun chasing your mouth around with a ten-foot pole today!

Virgo

Virgo should stop crying about their own virginity.

Libra

You're like a kid with new play-doh, fully immersed in your project. You bounce off ideas on others and let yours be molded around in your head. Have fun, and remember to take a tea break in the afternoon to calm yourself down a little.

Scorpio

Dire consequences may follow if you stab your sister's pet with a rainbow pencil.

Saggitarius

Dwarfs are in your karma today. Who can explain it, who can tell you why?

Capricorn

Be careful who you hitchhike with today. They could corrupt your mind with silly ideas of freedom, love, truth, and beauty. The nerve!

Aquarius

Some enchanted evening... you'll sit at home and do crossword puzzles with a pen. You guys sure have a strange idea of fun!

Pisces

Your surroundings begin to shift... is it the Matrix once again? Or, more dire, a pack of nuns straight out from wiki! Everyone is double-faced and suspicious today. Trust no one.