How To Tie A Tie

Please Note:

Ties really aren't as hard to tie as they may appear. I've been extremely verbose here for the benefit of anyone who wants the complete blow-by-blow, but once you figure it out, it's just a simple Cross-Behind-Front-Up-Down. Please, don't be scared off by the wordy explanation.

If you have your own way of tying, or a better way to explain it, by all means add on.

Happy Knotting,

~Chris B.~

OK. So you've got your tie, and you've got your neck. Right? Good.

Now, take the last good breath you'll have until the tie comes off,button your top button and turn up your collar. Throw the tie over your shoulders, like a camera strap without the camera. See how the tie has one wide end and one narrow end? Excellent. We'll call the wide end "W" and the narrow end "N". If you think it will help, put W on the shoulder of the arm you write with. Or the other one, if you prefer- I tie with either hand. A mirror is useful, as well.

Adjust the two ends until W is aboout a third longer than N. Cross W over N, then pass W back behind N. Now pass W back in front, laying it directly over the previous layer. This will be the front layer of your knot, so if there's a gravy stain on it you'd best select another tie from your extensive father's day gift collection.

Stop for a moment to take stock of your situation. The tie does not move in this paragraph! You are mentally retracing the path of W up to now, and verifying that all maneuvers have been performed correctly. If you are on course: N is hanging pretty much straight down, while W passes over the top end of N, right before N hits your collar. W then performs a U-turn and passes directly behind this point, does another U-turn, and covers up the whole works.

Now. Moving along. Take W, pass it upwards behind the now thoroughly entrapped N (the portion thereof heading around your neck, above the knot.) W is now sticking out the extreme top of the knot, inside the loop encircling your neck and directly above the wraps you just made around N.

For the grand finale, shove W down through the entire mess,so it passes behind the front wrap of the knot, in front of everything else, and emerges in a vertical position, covering N entirely. Pull on N to tighten the knot and ensure your full evening's dose of hypoxia.

Fold down your collar and examine your handiwork carefully. Does N stick out obnoxiously below the end of W? Is the general appearance of the knot neat and straight? Is something twisted or out of place?

If not: Congratulations! You have Tied a Tie!

If something still looks screwy, read the directions slowly and try again, adjust it carefully, downgrade your prom outfit from high-class drag to Harpo Marx drag, or, if all else fails, go ask your dad. If he doesn't know, disown him. This is the one piece of essential cultural information that all fathers must pass on to their offspring.

That's it, folks, now you know as much about it as I do! <bows deeply>