Jotting Down Bones

allow yourself to wallow in pain.

life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over. =)!

will i find

him in himself

ever again?

he is yielding no

results

wielding weapons sharp

at night, lying close,

he cuts me

and i tear out my hair

hoping to find truth

and honesty

bald and naked, reconciled

to a night of loneliness

helping me hold my

breath, walking with me

to the sunrise

where i look to him

for myself

again.

roya*

i am afraid

that they will go too far

out to sea

and space

and look back

and not recognize the land

that i'm standing on

bewildered

wondering how they

swam that far

laughing so hard

i am afraid

that i will go too far

when i am jealous.

roya*

i glanced out

of the window of

the moving train and

my eyes scared me.

they looked bright like i

had a fever, and my face was

so white and still around them,

and my lip had a mark

where i'd bitten it so hard.

it was dark outside and

the train was lit from the

inside and goblin like people

lurched down the aisle.

they were ugly and i

was lonely because

they were not you.

i have a whole week left to

feel left behind.

roya*

This is not a poem, and it's not a story, and it has no rhythm or rhyme, and if it was a song it would be tuneless. there is no capitalization, little punctuation, and it is probably hard to understand. but it exists, and i needed to put it somewhere.

I'm writing this to a nobody, a person who doesn't exist where they can see me. a person who won't look at my face and say, "i told you so." a person who won't smile and tell me they know how I feel. i'm writing to nobody to somebody to everybody I'm writing this to the world and to myself.

It's easy to say i am free i don't bleed like the wind like the seagulls screeching insults sure i'm free. but freedom seems to be a cage and i locked myself inside it's not true it's a lie i do cry everyday with invisible tears.

and if they knew what i know what would they say to me? would they hug me would they hit me would they say just shut up i can't hear it's too hard make me blind? i don't know. pain is one of those things that everybody has and nobody wants and when they see it on your face they try to destroy it. they think somehow that if your wound is worse theirs will heal.

if you make it a song people hear music not words and speeches are zoned out like car horns at night. screaming maybe works maybe not i'll never know i'm not that brave. i write this tonight i had something to say i think about telling a lie to myself but now i can't remember what the truth was. i'm not free i'm not whole i'm in pieces in shards stuck on a piece of paper like a glass vase pretending it didn't break. they look at me and know and have nothing to say and the pieces of the mirror reflect both ways and we look at each other and laugh because i forgot how to cry and you never knew. or maybe you're just too polite to tell me i'm falling apart.

	-Amy

afterthoughts

 watch the stars die
 dark universe
 the raven looks me in the eye
 i'm blind i'm deaf i'm stupid
 and i just wanna say fuck it all
 no i wasn't abused when i was a kid
 i never lie to anyone but me
 i'm gonna get to the horizon someday
 just wait you'll see
 hunting to be hunted
 crying just to cry
 wanting to be wanted
 wait i didn't mean to die

 /~Angel~/

 i smooth out my hips with my hands for you
 prepare for your arrival with smiles in the mirror
 blink away the tears shed minutes before
 mascara, even though i know you don't notice or care
 even though i don't really care
 it seems like the right thing to do

 i smooth out my hips with my hands for you
 i choose my jeans carefully
 not to look pretty or right for anyone
 but to fit you, to fit you and me
 today

 i smooth out my hips with my hands for you
 and i wait for you
 but you never pull in anymore
 my dogs never bark at your shoes anymore

 i smooth out my hips with my hands for you
 i wait and wait and wait for you
 you are elsewhere
 you are hip to hip with her
 you are smiling

 i smooth out my hips with my hands for you
 watch your hands on her hips in my mind
 rip the bottoms of my jeans and blink away tears
 and wait.

		-summer

(another teary poem)

Cold tears falling Onto former dreams Blurring edges, drowning Everything, it seems

What once sparkled bright Now faded, so dim Cannot be recaptured On a desperate whim

Cold tears falling What is left to do When the dream you needed No longer needs you?

 - Emma

 waves are like furrowed brows
 mercilessly crashing their 
 reality against my legs.
 standing ground shifts as
 sand cowardly sells my weight
 to its mistress,
 this ocean of tears.

~becca~

remember guilt? have a little.

 I ve learned to sketch Ophelia.
 Half the time she looks carefree,
 The other half insanely violent.
 My pen edges closer to the dangerous
 Standing ground of justified madness,
 That chaotic crevasse
 I have no right to discover.

 Those of us with laughably easy troubles
 Must keep in mind 
 The transience of happiness,
 Offer grateful prayers 
 For our so-far luck.

 The denial of innocence
 Is the first indicator
 Of its lingering presence.

~becca~

 /Piano/

 Piano I remember when we were one
 My keys flew around your hands
 Your sounds crashed through the world around me when I was angry
 And tinkled in my smile when I was happy
 Gapped teeth and frizzy hair that got in my face
 I loved the music then
 The Sunlight was bright and hopeful through the window
 While I played the Piano I connected with Something Out There
 That went deep
 Through the black and white keys
 I know what they said about me
 "I'll see you in Carnegie hall"
 And I had the passion
 Almost touching that Genius inside it all
 They were so proud of me and
 Your black and white keys
 Oh Piano I remember 
 When my hands could play without hesitation
 When I felt your Elation
 When I was so good then
 Oh was I good then

 Years later laying on my bed feeling so empty
 I never thought I'd lose you Piano
 The songs and the symphonies and the
 Bold black notes on the music sheets
 I don't care anymore Piano
 I just don't care anymore
 That girl is Gone Now let her go now
 I see everyday what could have been
 How much promise there was then
 I am angry I am lost Piano
 I'm not okay Piano
 I lose my way
 When I try to play now
 I'm haunted everyday now
 By your Sorrow

            /~Eryn/

asylum

 static on the tv screen
 fog inside my head
 kiss me with your frozen lips
 living with the dead
 shoot up take a hit try to escape
 put a hex on the sun
 what's the difference between love and hate
 feathers floating down another angel died
 i just watch myself bleed
 the shiny scientists lied
 existing without my mind
 beautiful silver steel
 i lost something i just can't find

 /~Angel~/

i don't look like the girls in the pictures

 plastic smiles
 unnatural beauty
 lies plastered over the world
 beat the message into our heads
 but they don't call it brainwashing
 it's just advertising
 children -dying- to be thin
 self-starvation
 mutilation
 hide inside a shell
 lose yourself in a carbon copy
 did you really think you were free?

 /~Angel~/

false love

 butterfly in a spider's web
 you caught me with the words you said
 i followed the illusion of reality
 and now i am no longer me
 i'm sorry that i led you on
 i'm sorry that you haven't gone
 sinking deeper every day
 you're trapped too in your own way
 i see flashes of the girl
 crying in the corner and picking up the pieces of her world
 bruises on my body scars on my soul
 slipping farther into the hole
 save my silver tears
 replace the love with fear
 invade my mind
 happiness is something i can't find

 /~Angel~/

"feed the demons"

 at first you feel guilty
 but then being clean hurts
 at first there's shame
 that's how everything starts
 
 a world made of trust, of hope, of trying
 is bleeding apart inside

 you give them your virtues
 until good becomes hollow
 you give them perversions
 until vultures follow
 you give them blood, bruises, tears
 you entice into life
 your darkest fears
 
 tastes like desperation
 want a new sensation

 pour wine on the altar
 until they want blood
 suck the veins of those who love you
 until they don't give a fuck
 
 nothing's safe so let's sink the lifeboats
 nothing's real so let's close our eyes

 don't you wish you could wake up
 don't you feel fake in your makeup
 you'd do anything to start again
 nothing brings you back again

 change yourself, your image, your soul,
 until only demons remain
 can't lose them, they're in you,
 you don't complain

 take this love
 take this kindness
 take this hope
 take this naivete
 take these morals
 take these words
 and suck them dry
 and shit out their husks
 pull god to earth
 and fuck him in the ass
 pin angels down 
 and peel off their wings
 let satan drip gore
 over all the clean carpets

 do whatever you can
 as much as you can
 if it makes the tearing burning ripping grabbing bleeding screaming...
 stop...

jenny

 She sees the tears that hide behind
 the smiles in their eyes.
 She knows that all the sparkling, all the glamour
 is a lie.
 And that, like ancient fey folk, with their golden, laughing world,
 her friends are hiding from the fact
 that they are real.

 when you see this
 you will know
 once you find me
 please don't go
 your words like teeth marks
 straight to my heart
 i will die if i let these feelings flow
 you were there
 the day i died
 you held my hands
 while i cried
 your eyes comforted me
 but now you're gone
 it's been so long
 and all we had was a saturday...
 i remember
 the boys who lied
 we both now know
 those feelings have died
 when i think about your pain
 i'm filled with anger
 what is there to gain?
 i must confess
 i was a fucking mess
 i know not how you saw through my veil of tears
 your smile caught my eye
 feeling like i've known you for years
 now your sad words make me sigh
 lack of you can make me cry
 your soul will never die
 you are my butterfly

-moth

 hating to hate
 living to die
 existing for sorrows
 tortuous existence
 take it all away
 like you did
 that day
 a moment only
 pain vanishes
 love sears
 through
 filling and explaining all
 without words
 Damme you.
 ~wind~

let there be guitars and candy in the place where i will rest my toes. there will be salt in the ocean until i die, and fill it with my blue light in the drowning. the ophelia in me will walk into the water with her guitar and my candy, her toes will numb and she will dance until she wears... falls, and goes home. the light will spread slowly and you will see it from the beach and know that i am reaching. it will reach your toes and you will be powerful, and i will be home, resting my toes at the bottom of the waves.

	(~summer)

~My Sistre's Family

sitting on the stairs shadowy long long willoey fingers caressing the wood and thinking thinking always never stopping thinking thinking do i

she sits i say what if i left left the brokenness left the home they don't need me here to complete the dead shattered tragedy what if what if now

tears

falling falling ever falling never a princess ever again; powers quarreling peace disturbing love is leafing nigh again

gone she goes, goes my sister, never stay escape whilst thou can, dare not delay; refrain from staying, escape escape dawn is breaking, do not stay.

escape from it now escape from me now escape the tragedy the endless misery the pain the subtle brazeness of discord and triumphfull hate. escape our beginnings, dawn breaks tomorrow, tomorrow we'll do it all over again.

to leaf would break too many hearts; to stay breaks only one.

~princessraina