Man of Many FacesI am a man of many faces, many words, and many moods, a man of many faces, many thoughts and many dreams, I am balanced by extremities, which scream out in all directions, I have infinite different sides, from boisterous to reflective, You don't know me, half as well as you may think, cause there's always more to know, I'm a deep well from which to drink, so drink me up lover, drink me up friend, and expect many contradictions, but expect not an end, for I am always changing, whilst I always stay the same, I'm the man of many faces, I need a million different names. Some things for me are basic, some things will always be, some things are unchanging, some things define me as me, but not all those things fit each other, some even contradict oneanother, some contradict another two, some contradict another three, trying to know me is hard, but just imagine /being/ me. How Dare You!Damn you, and your staggering beauty, Damn you, and your intoxicating hair, Damn you, and your distractability, Damn you, and your far away lair. How dare you entice me so, Far off one, How dare you entwine my fancies before we even know each other? How dare you make my heart swoon, How dare you be so wrong for me. How dare you attract me so, And how dare you… How dare you… How dare you be innocent. How dare you be responsible for none of these things, Leaving all blame resting passively on my own masochistic, lonely soul. Thank You...Thank you for freeing me from this prison of my own designs. You’ve freed my soul from this iron cage, I’ve dwelt in here, and been happy with the spikes, The rusty bars have held me in place. I do not know, If it is the bottom of the cage you’ve let lose under me, Or the top you’ve opened to the sky. I do not know, If I shall fall into ablivion, Or fly like an eagle, and let my spirit carry me. Most likely both. You learn from mistakes, and become wise from learning, so the more mistakes you make, the wiser you become, the fewer mistakes you make, and the less you learn. …or so says Garrison Keeler. You’ve taught me immeasurable lessons. I guess I have a long way to go. I wish I could see you as a mistake. I wish I could see you as treasured lesson. I wish I could see you as my future. I wish I could get you out of my system. I wish my mind could rest in the middle, off the pendulum for a while. Complexity makes me happy. Simplicity makes content. I’m a contradiction in terms, Always exuberantly depressed. I wish you were perfection. I wish you weren’t so much closer than I ever thought I’d get. I wish I couldn't imagine anyone better. I wish I /could./ Text BasedText based love afairs, wash through my brain, soak up the emptiness there, fill it in. text based love afair, one gone hence, text based love afairs, more soon arise. my text based lover, my texts based loves, who are you but words, and dreams of sweet doves? I fall in love with words, and dreams of sweet wispers, I fall in love with words, and memories of beauty. I'll let my heart go free, and see where it wanders, but promice it to no one, or the unknown one, one ponders, I should get out more, not into this screen, but meeting in real life, ain't as superior as it seems. so text based love afairs, I've had and I'll have, and tell them years later, just for a laugh. ReincarnateI climb now, Slowly, From the eternity we had together, That two year lifetime, Of yearning and dreaming, That two year lifetime, That engulfed my life so totally. I climb now from it, Slowly, And when I look in the mirror, I find only myself, reincarnate, starring back at me. Parts of me that you smothered, Come rushing back, Thoughts from two years ago, Reemerge from my depths, And take meaning again. …meanwhile, parts of me die. Parts of me you nourished, Parts of me you created, Parts of me that can't live without a lover. I die and am reborn, Renewing my old self, Gaining a new self, Merging the two, And letting the waters of life wash the pain and contentment away, Leaving me flowing down the right path again, in my usually discontented way. I love you with all of my old heart, Whilst a new heart emerges, or reemerges, And sings of the beauty ahead of me, And shudders at the pain of the last few months with you, When you didn't want me, Didn't need me, Didn't understand me, And went walking your own way, Insisting it was your right, And that I should follow. Love, without obsession?January 7, 1998 I don't know, How could I know? What love is, Without obsession. How is it that I can say I love her so, When after only a few days out of touch, Out of voice, I no longer miss her? But how can I say I no longer miss her, While I sit and write a poem such as this? I guess I just forget. I make myself forget. When I think of her voice, Her black velvet striped jeans, Her lonelyness, Her blueness, Then I miss her. When I think of her shear blue drape, And try /not/ to think of her in nothing else, /then/ I miss her. But I can live without her, I know that, it's not even hard - After the first day or two. I just wish I didn't have to. It's the little things I forget, The little things I can't remember, The little things I don't quite notice in the first place. The little things I can't consciously grasp. Those are the things I love. Does it mean any less of me, That I can go on without her? Or does it mean more? Is it what I thought was the answer - Love, without obsession? YES!! YES IT IS!!!! But is that an answer? Is it really /The/ way to be in love? Or is it the way to avoid true love? Without obsession, What is love? How could I know? I don't know. "Hundred lovers…"Here I sit, the last night of camp, Thinking of those I love. I love her though she doesn't, I love her as she does, Too Futher Mucking long ago, Last I saw them was, Those I met this spring and summer, Prior to camp t'was three in number, Two will flee by geography, But near me the third doth slumber. I love her cause she's sexy, I love her cause she's sweet, I love her cause she's so damn cool, All three I did just meet. Yes, I love quite many, But I love them all quite truly, To /me/ it all makes perfect sense, But my reputation's a bit unruley! Back In TransitYou threw me, unasking, From stability to transition, Both have they're upsides, Both have they're downs, And though stability was having a lot of downs, (yes for me too,) I wasn't ready for instability there, And I'm still staggering like a man getting flashbacks of an earthquake. The sad truth is I'll never be truly happy with either extreme, and there really is no middle ground… not for me anyway. I see so many things I want to change, So many ways you held me back. So many things that can only be put right by letting myself change, without thought to what others might think. I stare at my future so hard I will have bored holes through it before it comes. And yet I am still not happy. I still spasm with the pain of it when you don't understand, and when you don't seem to mind that anymore. When you don't even try anymore. I don't fascinate you anymore, you have no compulsion to grok me. And that hurts like nothing else. Ah the paradox of life, to change as you must and lose who you love, Or stop your own evolution in an attempt to bask forever in the synergy you find with one person at one time. Thankfully or no, the decision is always made for me. I am dumped into the sea again, the fates shouting through the body of my subconscious, "no, try again, you still haven't learned, you're still not ready." My life is like a never ending game of black jack, with a deck of cards that can never quite reach 21. I keep thinking I have, and then someone comes over, redoes my math, and proves me wrong. I've rejoiced at the knowledge that I don't have to please you anymore… don't have to explain myself to you anymore. But I fear the pain it causes is still so great that my rejoicing is left at a level something like wearing a flowery hawaii shirt to my own funeral.
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