October Love

october love

 by Roya Sorooshian

I exploded when i saw him. he smiled quizzically at me and almost guiltily, i tried to collect the fragments of myself before he noticed my barriers were down. he hugged me, a hug that threatened to fracture my very being, yet seamed my scattered thoughts together. oh, he was dangerous still. i stepped back. was i all together again? yes, i was. i avoided his eyes and proceeded to laugh my way through our conversations. oh if only i wasn't still feeling broken. one look into his eyes and i was afraid i might crack.

 the large bushes of lavender made the air purple. it was October,
afternoon, and i was busy falling in love. some folks fall in love with
summer. the bare bodies, heat, long days and bright oceans. some people fall
in love during spring, new beginnings, soft colors and flowers. i fall for
fall. the air is crispier than burnt toast, and smells a whole lot better
than charred brad also. every breath i take penetrates my brain, the parts
that get lazy during the summer. my hearing is keener, my eyesight is
better. i'm lighter, the air is crystal clear and i can slide right through.
i can stand in my driveway, smell lavender, taste pumpkin pie and see into
the future. it doesn't scare me; i'm in love. 
 and all through November (the butterflies in my stomach were
orange-seasonal), December (giving giving giving was better than receiving),
January (forget new year, it's a new life), February (the month of love...),
March, April, May (i pressed the flowers he picked for me), June (oh the
ocean called...), and July. 
 July. where the sun beat down and baked us both. it toughened his skin, but
mine peeled back, red and tender under his touch. but he didn't care. didn't
care. and i rubbed on the aloe myself. i laughed in surprise at how much it
stung. i had tears in my eyes. it was July. and there was no excuse for me
to need warm arms around me. but those days were so long. and the nights --
short and warm, where i tossed restless under my sheets and my bare walls
stared at me, accusing, reproachful. 
 everything hurt me in August. the sun was too bright. the days that i had
to keep up a smiling front were too long. the nights that i could be myself,
were too short. i felt every slight as a mortal insult. i looked at every
compliment suspiciously. i was turning bitter, left out in the sun too long
without anyone to call me inside. there are no holidays in August. i had no
break from this. 

September was mild. i could feel the transition creeping up on me. i started laughing with my eyes again the days were shorter. less harsh.

 October came again and i sprouted wings. i flew above myself, past my
memories, beyond other's warnings. we were in love again. me, him, and
October. it was better than before. 
 faster, too. 
 April brought the showers. a cold rain and thunderclouds from him, then
torrents from my eyes. but i got rid of the bitterness faster this time.
instead i watched. i still loved. love with an ache though, when i thought
about it. i hoarded every word, i gloated over every laugh. i treasured
these beyond all possessions, because i knew now they would not be given to
me freely. i had to catch them, collect them for myself. and still i loved.

 i exploded when i saw him. tremors ran through my body for minutes
afterwards. May, June, August -- one aftershock after another. i was so
afraid he would see the walls crumbling behind my eyes. 
 September came and i felt the days changing. 
 October and i'm in love again. some people fall in love with the shine and
sweat of glistening summer. some fall in love with the velvet smoothness of
spring. i am in love with October. and i am waiting for October to love me
back. 

Man's perspective: (because as often time as we need to take a look at somethign from the most feminine of views, do we not need to see the masculine portion? it is two halves of a whole. neither complete until they are both present.)

october. i walked towards her. my shoulders were square, my jaws set, my eyes hard as glass, and my heart as vulnerable and easily broken. i saw her, her hair softened and smoothed by the heat of the sun above us. i saw her, not just her body, but her inside. the person as she was. her emotions played across her face like a dancer across a stage, for all to see and percieve. it wasnt an extravagant face, not one that would encourage the most verile of young teenagers running up with mini-tents in their pants. but it was a face of contentment, it belied a feeling of calm and serenity, and as soon as i soaked that all in, my shoulders slacked. my jaws relaxed. my eyes, softened. my heart, was now cushioned by the awkwardness of her, the sheer joy at being there in front of me, being a person, breathing, alive. it was a thrill and a quizzical moment, all at the same time. i smiled. less a smile for a smile's sake, and more for her, to ease her, to comfort her. or maybe i'm fooling myself, maybe it was to comfort me, and my own inadequacies. what failings would i have? none of course, im strong, im young, im confident. no. fooling myself again. im nervous. im shaking. my body aches with tension, stiff as a board, easily snapped like a twig. all of this transpired in the span of time it takes a bird to fly from one branch to another, as birds often at this time of year. she just smiled that goofy smile of hers, trying to hide th fact that the sun was roasting her skin, burning it to the point of pain. she put some lotion in her hands, and even though it made her hurt to move, she slowly and carefully smoothed the cool gel on my back. sometimes simple descriptions are best. it felt good. very good. in an instant, my body no longer ached. a twig no more, it felt flexible, and relaxed. i pulled her hands away from my chest, where she had them last. i held her hands in mine, and we sat together, in the burning light of the sun, for countless hours. talking, laughing, becoming more together than i ever had become with a person before. we spent more and more time like this, as the time passed. it didnt matter where we were, or why we were, as long as we were there together. and then came october again. throught the months, even when we were our happiest, and i was most fullfilled, i could see it in her eyes. a yearning, a need for something more. i had been blind, a blind fool not to have realized it. her love was not with me, not fully. it was with october. the warmth of the feelings and love of the people around her, giving thanks for all they hold dear. The warmth of the sky, though fading. And most importantly, the warmth of the one she loves most, underneath a tree, witnissing the long stretch of a hazy violet october sky. That is why she loved october. That is why I love it too.

"Man's perspective" by Joseph Arthur William Fitzgerald Rodgriguez Nahsapinapetalam