Once Upon A Ben

"Go play in traffic!!!" Ben screamed, his face becoming red as he stared intently at the cucumber sitting on his front steps. "I don't know why you're here, or how the hell you can be talking to me, but I want you to get off my front porch RIGHT now! Do you hear me vegetable?"

The cucumber, it's green skin shining eerily in the early morning light, gave Ben one long look then said softly "I warned you!" before turning around and hopping slowly down the steps and onto the sidewalk, where it hopped slowly away until it was lost to sight.

"Jesus CHRIST!" Ben said, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head vigorously. "I must still be asleep. I've had some bizzare dreams before, but this one takes the cake." He turned around, and was just about to shut the door behind him, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He screamed and jumped around. When he got turned around, he didn't see anything. Then he looked down and realized that it was his own hand. "That is the last time I eat mushrooms without a guide" he thought to himself. All of a sudden from the street there came a scream. When he got over there (he was moving slowly because he hadn't had enough licorice dipped in hummus that morning), he saw that there was a green splotch in the road, and a woman was standing over it looking shocked.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't see him! He just came darting out into the road and I tried to stop, but I couldn't!" Ben just looked at her.

"Lady, it was a cucumber. And an annoying one at that. But you're lying." He looked at the road, and there were no skidmarks before the green splotch. "This is a conspiracy" he said. Then he ran inside to call the police. He got into the kitchen, where the phone was, and to his surprise, Ethan was sitting on the counter eating an apple with chopsticks made from duct tape, and there was a figure in a dark hood standing in the corner. "What is this?" asked Ben. Then the figure turned around and revealed... Ryland. "Ryland?!? What the hell are you doing here?"

"We could ask you the same question" said Ethan.

"Yes" said Ryland "We have some interesting information that we're sure you'd love to hear"

Ben furrowed his eyebrows. He and Ethan had always been close, but lately it had seemed as though Ethan was more distant, more secretive. He'd spent long hours thinking about it, but the best reason he could come up with for Ethan acting that way was the fact that last week, Ben had lost Ethan's most prized posession, his rubber duckie Virginity. Ben had been extremely sorry, but still couldn't help but to see the humor in the situation. Ethan however had cried hot tears and refused to speak to Ben for a whole day. But that had all blown over...or so Ben had thought. Bringing Ryland into the picture just seemed to be a bit much though.

Ben blinked. Ryland was saying something.

"We know all your dirt Ben. We know where you were last night. There's no use hiding anything from us, so don't even try to pretend you don't know what we're talking about. Now, where's the rubber duckie?"

Ben stared at Ryland in disbelief, then narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean you know where I was last night?" he asked suspiciously.

Ryland made a disgusted noise, then leaned closer to Ben, a hard glint in his usually calm blue eyes. "Don't play dumb with us Ben. We know you were at...the meeting." Ryland leaned back and nodded smugly.

"I was at the freaking video store!" Ben protested, but he had no time to question Ryland further, because just at that moment, Ethan screamed shrilly and lunged at Ben. Even though Ethan was only a few yards away, he missed Ben by a good two feet, and went sailing into the refridgerator instead. However, Ryland made up for this by instantly tackling Ben, and they hit the floor with a muffled thump.

It might have been the end for Ben, had not the kitchen door been suddenly flung open by the Wind.

She stepped in, and in no time Ryland had fallen madly in love with her beauty. Ethan was still stuck in the refridgerator, his butt stuck out of the door.

Wind beckoned Ryland to follow her, leaving Ben free to run out of the house. Ryland obidiently moved out of the kitchen. Ben ran out the front door, to find that police had blocked off his street, and there were various bald monks standing and looking at the place where the cucumber had gotten run over.

The tallest Monk poked the pile of green stuff. The green stuff shivered, and suddenly it was whole again. The Tall Monk grabbed it as soon as it started to run away, yelling, "I'VE GOT YOU NOW! HAHAHA" but quickly stopped cackling when he noticed that it was drawing attention. He whispered something to his other monks and they all got up and walked away, trying to be inconspicous.

Suddenly, Ben ran over to them, and had the urge to say something STUPID for the first time in his life...

"Drop the cucumber!" he yelled. The monk turned around and saw Ben, and in that moment, Ben thought for a moment that he recognized the face. He shook his head violently and tried to forget about it. It couldn't be. Could it? No... he was pretty sure that Ted had given up being a monk. But then again, he couldn't really be sure. "You heard me! Drop it! It's mine!" The monk gave him a blank look, and then all of a sudden took off running. Ben swore to himself and decided to go after them. This, it turns out, was his big mistake.

The city they were in was a complex assortment of streets. It was all Ben could do to keep his eyes on the monk that might be Ted.

He was relieved when Ted stopped but his relief slowly faded when he realized they had come to a dead end. He looked behind him, he could get out there! But before he could move Ted yelled something and chain link seemed to grow out of the pavement.

"So. It seems we are at an impasse" said Ted with a half smile on his face. Ben gulped... he remembered that word, but he couldn't quite remember what it meant. He whipped out the dictionary he always carried with him in his back pocket, and looked up the word.

"Ooooh... that's not good, is it?" he said to no one in particular. Then he looked up at Ted, and decided at that second what he was going to do. "Look! Free juggling stuff!!! And Bob and Doug McKenzie are giving it away!! With Denis Leary!" Then, while Ted was distracted, Ben kicked him in the shins, grabbed the cucumber, and took off.

He scrambled over the wall and fell into a wagon, which, by odd coincedence had a mattress in the bottom. Before he could get up the wagone started to move all by itself.

It picked up speed as it tore down a hill and around several corners. Ben stuffed the urge to scream to the bottom of his stomach and held on to the cucumber to keep it from flying from his hand.

Suddenly he crashed (er...the wagon crashed him) into a wall.

On the wall was a graffitti picture of...no....it couldn't be...but...yes....it was!...add here