Once Upon A Fionaish

Far away in a grungy car, parked down a back alley somewhere in NYC there lived a girl named Fiona with blaze red hair and a talent for roller skating. unfortunatly, she didn't know this yet because she didn't own a pair of roller skates, she didn't even own a pair of socks... really, she only had one, and hopped around on her left foot all the time, so that her right leg was limp and squishy like bowlers arms but not. She had a friend named Boof. Boof had green hair and neon eyes with no pupils. Boof used to bring her crackers and moldy cheese and sometimes, if she was good, soy-silk chocolate milk. One day, while passing a chuch, two nuns named Marina and Ted were passing out flyers for the Impeachment of President Dingleheimer (more commonly known as Bush) when Boof and Fiona walked (hopped) by and took one, examining it closely. They oohed and ahhed and auugaed until they remembered that neither knew how to read...

Happily, Sister Ted consented to read it to them. But they wandered off in the middle of his long boring speach and left Marina staring adoringly at him.

Suddenly Boof said "Kiss me."

"What?" said Fiona. "You have green hair!! I can't kiss anyone with green hair!"

"What about Tessa?" said Boof. "You kissed her. A lot. And she didn't even bring you soy-silk chocolate milk!"

"Listen, jerk," said Fiona warningly, "I've told you not to mention Tessa! The girl is dead to me! Dead!"

"Kiss me, Fiona. If you don't..." Boof looked around. No one was near. "I'll tell Robyn what you had to do with her alien abduction!!!"

"Oh FINE!!" said Fiona quickly. Anything was better than the alien abduction story becoming public, even kissing a green-haired, neon-eyed, no-pupiled thing.

So she closed her eyes as tight as they would go, held her breath, and kissed Boof.

When she opened her eyes, Boof was gone. "Shit, where'd he go?" Fiona thought to herself, because even if she hated Boof sometimes and didn't even know what he was, he had been her one and only friend, and sole confidant.

"Don't use that name anymore, k?" said a voice.

Fiona suddenly saw that there was a teenage boy standing in the spot where she had seen Boof last. He was really cute.

"Who are you?" she asked, an idea forming in the back of her head.

"Oh jeez, don't tell me you haven't heard all those kiss-the-frog-it-becomes-a-prince type things?" The boy formerly known as Boof said in exasperation. "Yeah," he nodded, seeing the look of understanding come into Fiona's eyes. "Kinda like that." He grinned at Fiona shyly all of a sudden, looking up through his thick black eyelashes. "Thanks for freeing me of that horrible mutant sewer rat body."

"Oh, so that's what it was!" Fiona said, then blushed.

"By the way, my real name's Caleb. And those nuns give me the creeps, let's get outta here."

"Hold it!" said Fiona "I want to get all this straight!"

But the nuns started walking towards them and Caleb grabbed her hand and ran so fast that Fiona was tripping on her own feet (er foot) which didn't mean much because Fiona was always tripping on her foot. By this time Ted and marina had cought on that they were not listening to the speech and were coming after them. The nuns were driving a very big pink fuzzy van with no top. Fiona stared at it in perplexion, wondering how anyone, even an evil nun, could have that bad of taste. Obviously they wanted people to know they were there, as a very big pink fuzzy van with no top is not exactly subtle.

Caleb spun them both around a corner into a dank dark old warehouse that was completely pitch black due to the dust in all the windows. Surprisingly, it had furnishings; a dinner table, chairs, a fridge. Fiona gaped around, and suddenly realized..."This is where you live, isn't it?"

"Where I used to live," Caleb corrected. "Now I can go back home because I am once again in my true form, thanks to you;" he blew her a kiss, and Fiona felt her heart flutter like a butterfly in a glass jar. "Before, when I was Boof, there was no way they would accept me at home. The only problem now is..."

"The nuns," Fiona said grimly.

"Indeed. We'd better hurry; they'll find out where we are in record time." He ran to the fridge, grabbed a box of cold pizza, shoved three pieces in Fiona's direction, and quickly ate three. Fiona looked down at the pizza in disgust, but decided, Why not. She sighed and quickly gulped down two, but threw the last one on the floor. Without question, this is the most disgusting pizza I have ever tasted, she thought...

Suddenly she felt a sharp pain in her side. "Ow!" she gasped, and looked over at Caleb... and gasped again in shock! He was shrinking... growing fur... his body was changing shape... She was distracted from Caleb's odd behavior by her own body starting to act oddly. For a minute or two all she could do was lie and whimper on the floor. When at last she recovered, she reached up to wipe her forehead... and stared in shock when not only could she not reach, but her hand was a paw! She sneezed three times rapidly.

"Quickly, Fiona!" Caleb yipped. "You must eat the third peice! Quickquickquickarrarararrr..." He trailed off into barking. Fiona stared in shock. Seeing she would not listen to him, Caleb (in his new form) rushed over to the disgarded pizza and stuffed it in her mouth. She swallowed in spite of herself and felt something pop into place inside. She stuck out her tongue and panted... and then froze as she realized what had happened. She and Caleb both had turned into Pekinese!!!

Suddenly Ted and Marina burst into the room, looking around wildly. Their eyes scanned the warehouse, passing right over Caleb and Fiona. Ted slammed his hand on the table. "Damn it!" he yelled. Why do the always run away like that?! Everyone should know by now how futile it is to run away. Two potential converts just... dissappeared! Or were kidnapped by aliens! Or... or..." He looked down at the two Pekinese sitting at his feet and snarled. "And all they left behind were these stupid little yippy dogs. Argh. " He began to tear out his hair.

Marina, being more clear-headed, took a good look at the dusty windows all around them and said, "Sister Ted, please don't lose control just yet. They could easily have escaped through the window. If we were smart, we'd be out there searching for them."

Ted paused, then dropped the large hunk of hair he'd just ripped out of his scalp. "You're right, of course. Let's go." And they were gone.

Fiona finally let herself relax. So, she thought, Caleb made me eat that horrible pizza so that my soul would be saved. Quick thinking. But her thoughts were interrupted by a sharp stab of pain in her tail, which Caleb was tugging. "Owowowow!" Fiona yelped, still surprised at how canine her voice sounded. "All right, all right, I'm moving! Just drop that tail!" That's what she would have said had she been capable of human speech, but all that came out were high-pitched yips. Caleb seemed to understand, however, and he led her out the door and into the street... he then pointed to a fire hydrant, and she took the hint. As soon as she was done "conducting her business", she felt herself growing... and changing... and she looked down at her paws to find that they were no longer paws- they were real human hands again! She glanced over at Boof/Caleb and found that he, too, had changed back into a human. All of a sudden, a multi-colored bandwagon came bounding down as if out of control. It was drawn by two green-and-orange zebras. There were two bald girls in the driver's seat, both clad in long, purple robes. One of them waved at Caleb and Fiona. "Hallo! I'm Brother Robyn! Climb in the back!"

Fiona hesitated. "Did you say Brother Robyn?"

"Yeah. This is Brother Heather. We're monks of the Order of Wilfred!"

"Uh, right... I think we'll just hop on the next bandwagon, thanks."

Robyn frowned. "Listen, girl, if you have any interest in saving the future of humanity as we know it, you'd better climb in."

So, with great trepidation, Fiona climbed in behind Caleb. In the wagon they discovered a guy with a long scraggly beard and hair down to his waist. He had the purple robe, but other than that, he didn't look much like a monk. As soon as he saw them, his eyes widened and he began to make sounds like a gorilla that had its hand trapped in a revolving door. Fiona cringed.

Brother Heather looked back and grinned. "Don't mind Brother Cory. He's been a little wonky since the rutabaga incident."

Before Fiona could ask about that, there was a squeal of wheels behind them. Brother Robyn urged the zebras on. "Shit! It's the nuns! Heather, get the coconut cream pies ready! This will be a close chase!" As the multi-colored bandwagon was quickly closed in on by the nuns (led by sisters Ted and Marina), Heather began frantically hurling coconut cream pies at the fast approaching nunmobile. Cory, having been agitated, did what all gorrillas do when agitated. Robyn half-twisted in her seat in the front of the wagon and said something that sounded like "monkey zippers" to Cory, and he immediately fell fast asleep, snoring so loud that it sounded like a semi downshifting on a highway. After an hour long, intense chase scene, the nuns seemed to lose interest.

"So... why were we outrunning them? We... got away, right?" asked Fiona

"Not if I know Sister Ted" both Robyn and Heather replied in unison "He's probably planning one of his stupid publicity stunts for the nun's annual meeting in Oregon. We'll have to watch our backs for a while" replied Robyn. Heather, meanwhile, was grooming the zebras.

Fiona suddenly notcied that Caleb was stretched out, his shirt missing, and his rippling muscles rippling mucsley-like in the sun. She felt a sudden tug at her bladder, and then realized she had to pee. Badly. It was probably from all that pizza.

"I'm gonna go off into the bushes for just a moment," Fiona said, somewhat embaressed. Caleb just nodded his head, and Fiona dashed off.

After a minute or so (during whihc Fiona had an angelic expression on her face for once) Fiona pulled up her pants and started to head back to the bandwagon. Only, when she got there, it was gone.

"Well that's the last time I try and urinate on a trip!" Fiona said crossly. Bouf-er, Caleb didn't even wait for me! Now what am I going to do?"

Just then, out of the woods stepped a handsome stranger, a guitar strapped across his back and a song on his lips.

"Taco man, oh, hi! You must be the little Fiona I've been hearing about!" said the stranger. "You can call me Adam."

The name was like a song, a a god song, not a crappy one either. Like an Ani song. Adam. He picked up his guitar and started serenading her. At once, Fiona fell into a happy sleep.....

When she woke up, she noticed right away that someone was lying next to her, and that they were stroking her cheek. She looked over, and there was...Adam. She felt a smile tug at her lips, but then looked and felt a little disturbed when she saw that he was bare chested.

"Uh...Adam...did we...you know...do anything?"

Adam looked confused, then comprehension dawned on his face, and then he looked hurt. "Do you think I would take advantage of such a beautiful lady as yourself?? Who do you think I am?? Some kind of monster?"

Fiona felt rather alarmed as she noticed that his bottom lip had started quivering and he was getting rather...alot...teary-eyed. Her heart melted like a stick of butter on a desert island near Northern Virginia.

"No, no! That's not what I meant at all! I'm so sorry if I've hurt you in any way! Please forgive me!"

Adam looked up at her through his dark eyelashes, and Fiona felt her breath grow ragged as she was consumed with a desire to lean over and smooch him like he'd never been smooched before, but then she remembered Boof/Caleb/Whateverthehellhisnamewas, and thought that she'd hurt his feelings if she kissed Adam. Of course, then she remembered that he had ditched her when she went to go to the bathroom.

"To hell with Caleb!" Fiona cried in a fit of overwhelming passion. The beautiful young man beside her blinked. "Who's Caleb?" He asked, furrowing his brow.

"Oh, erm...my dog." Fiona said quickly, then fell upon Adam like a starving person falls upon food. It would take a greater man than Adam to resist Fiona's charms, and so he was soon kissing her back quite passionately.

Just then, a loud crack reverberated throughout the woods, or wherever they were, and a cloud of ladybugs showered down and covered them. Fiona and Adam fell apart, blinded by a strange light that seemed to be hovering right above them, illuminating the reddish bodies of thousands of bugs. Then a voice spoke. "So THIS is what you do when given half a change, eh Fiona?"

Fiona's gasped, shielding her eyes from the light and brushing ladybugs off her face. The voice was so familiar. She could almost, almost place it. Suddenly Adam cried "Becky?! What are YOU doing here dear? I thought you were at that anti-ladybug convention!"

"I was...and then I looked in my crystal ball and saw what my little godchild here was doing and....well...what else would I do but come right here?"

"Wait a minute" said Adam "you mean you're Fiona's fairy godmother? But you aren't a fairy!"

"Shhh...Do you want everyone to know that!" Becky hissed. "I'd be disgraced! Besides my mother was one eight fairy! That makes me one sixteenth!"

Becky dissolved into a fit of giggles.

Fiona looked worried. Becky had really gone off the deep end this time.

Without another thought for Adam she ran to where Becky was rolling around on the ground in a fit of laughter. She picked up her hand and grabbed hold of Becky's ring as she jammed her eyes shut tight.

There was an explosion and then Fiona and Becky landed with a thump on the ground in...where were they?

"My home!" Becky cried!

Fiona looked around. They were in a big field of corn and all around her feet were little creatures. She couldn't tell what they were until she bent over to have a closer look. It was then that she discovered they were every person who had ever gone to Not Back To School Camp. But shrun to the size of three inches tall!

"Becky! What have you done to them?!" Fiona cried in horror.

Becky laughed evily. "Well....." she said and wiggled her eyebrows. "I suupppoooossseee I could telll youuuu".....add more