Once Upon A L H F

Victor ran down the side street, looking over his shoulder to see if he was still being followed. Seeing no one behind him, he sighed in relief and took the cucumber out of his pocket. It wasn't just a cucumber; it was a Cucumber. This Cucumber had been the object of many frantic searches, though Victor had never been told what was so special about it. He had been told only that it must not fall into the wrong hands. Especially not Ryland's hands. Victor shuddered as he pictured such a valuable vegetable in the hands of that madman. Knowing Ryland, he could probably use it to achieve the one thing he wanted in life, which was nothing less tha world domination. Fortunately, due to the efforts of Jake, Ryland's plan had been foiled. But the Cucumber was still not safe. Ryland's followers were everywhere. There was no one Victor could trust. Except perhaps Charlie...but he knew the one person to give it to, where it would be exceptionally safe, was to take it to Candra. He knew, for at least a bit, he'd be safe, because Ryland was in the hospital, and most of his fellow nuns were with him there. So, Victor tried to remember where Candra was last. Ah yes, with Ali in the secret base in San Francisco; and while he was there, he could stop by to pick up Jessica. Victor took the cucumber and put it back in his pocket, and was on his way to the cyber cafe to book a flight to San Francisco that same night.

Victor made his way back to his apartment that he shared with Dan F., who was hiding, because he had shot Ryland. Victor told Dan the plans, and Dan agreed to disguise himself and go along. They gathered their things, and mounted their donkey's to the Airport. They discussed their plans on the way to San Francisco. Little did they know, Zen was in the next row, spying for Ryland. And little did Zen know, but Heather was waiting to slip Zen some drugs to knock him out, so he wouldn't be able to spy. Victor and Dan knew none of this.

 "So, when we get to the base, what do we do?" Dan asked quietly. 
 "Well, I supose we give the cucumber to Candra. She'll know what to do." 
  

Zen lay fast asleep in the row behind them, thanks to Heather.

As soon as the plane landed, Victor and Dan tiptoed past the loudly snoring Zen and made their way through the airport. As they were riding a taxi to downtown San Fransico, Victor realized that if Ryland's followers knew they were in San Fransisco, they would almost certainly be in the streets, on the lookout for them. So he stopped the taxi, and he and Dan got out and went to a grocery store. There they bought a cucumber that was identical to the Cucumber. "This way," Victor said, "if they find us, they'll be confused and won't know who to chase." Just then, around the corner came four nuns: Kim, Knuteboy Mitch, Samantha, and... Charlie! Charlie was a nun! Victor had never felt so betrayed in his life. He ran down the street, and Dan ran in the opposite direction. Samantha and Mitch took off after Dan, screaming, "Get the assassin! Put spiders on his face! Pickle his fingers! Tickle his toes!" Kim and Charlie ran after Victor, but they were nice and quiet about it. Victor kept running, never looking back. He ducked onto side streets and pelted down alleys. Then he came to a corner and suddenly couldn't decide where to turn. He finally looked back. Kim and Charlie were still in hot pursuit. All of a sudden he heard a voice say, "Go right! Go right!" He assumed it was the voice in his head and obediently ran to the right, but then he remembered something. The voice in his head didn't sound like that.

"Who said that?"

"I did!"

He looked around. No one was in sight except his pursuers. "Where are you?"

"I'm in your hand, kid!"

He looked at the Cucumber. There was something there that had definitely not been there before: a mouth. A mouth with lips. Big red Rocky Horror lips. He stared. Talking was not normal behavior for cucumbers, even special Cucumbers. He was fairly certain of this. But then the lips moved again. "Keep moving, kid. They're gaining." Victor ran, talking to this most unusual Cucumber as he went.

"You're talking."

"Of course I'm talking. Ain't you heard I'm a unique Cucumber?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Don't worry, you'll get used to it."

"Do you have a name, your royal Cucumber-ness?"

"My name is Wilfred. And drop the 'royal' crap. it makes me gag. Hey, take a left at this next corner."

Victor did as Wilfred said and ran down an alley. But then he came up against an extremely high fence. He looked at the cucumber in disgust. "You stupid veg! This is a dead end! We're about to get caught!"

"No we're not. Jump the fence."

"What?! That fence is thirty feet high! There's no way I could clear it!"

"Kid, if you don't leap over that fence within the next six and two-thirds seconds, you'll be tortured hideously, and I'll be eaten by Ryland. Jump. Now."

Victor took a deep breath and leaped. He went up, up, up... And then he was over the fence. He landed hard on the other side, hearing Kim and Charlie's screams of rage and surprise.

"Move it, kid. They'll find a way to climb over that fence or break it down before too long."

"How did I do that?"

"I gave you a little boost. Now let's get going."

Victor, amazed by Wilfred's power, ran a few more blocks until he found himself in front of the base. It was a large McDonalds, and all the workers inside were undercover for them. They were all athiests too, because otherwise they might be part of the Nuns. So they had to verify their athiesm first before they could join the anti nun cult.

Victor ran inside and into the bathroom, where the secret trapeze artists were practicing, and he opened the trap door in the floor to the base. He was quickly intercepted by a little midget named Rael. He was accompanied by a few clowns named Corale, Daniel (H.) and Kathleen. They led him to Candra, where she brought them up to date on the recent happenings. The nuns were on the lookout for Dan(F) and they were armed not only with Bibles, but whips too.

After the days events, Victor was quite exhausted.

So with that, Victor collapsed onto the couch. (He was quite tired, as I pointed out previously.)

But 3 hours later, when he awoke, he did not find himself in the under ground office, but he was on the couch still...he was in the back of a van! He jumped up, but then fell back down, because the van just went through a pot hole (yes, it was the size of Ted's ego!) and it made the whole van jerk. So instead he sat up. He noticed three boxes all shifting around, beside the couch. He decided to open the one nearest him, if he could just get ahold of it...

Victor grabbed the box, and tore open the lid...and there was Candra, bound and gagged, and squished into a box!

"Candra! What happened?! " Victor cried, horrified with the thought that anyone would dare to put Candra in a little box. ...add here!