Poems EightFiftyOne through NineHundred NumberEightFiftyOne? And when I try to breathe
i choke
there's something caught in my throat
and i think it's memories of you
but my mom
when she saw me walking around the house in this shirt
and the curves of my breasts
showed at the neckline
she said
"don't look back
and change you shirt
and i love you"
and i thought
"sure mom"
so i dug a t-shirt out of my drawer, it was my favorite shirt
when i was eight
and i wore it day after day after day until my mom said
"that shirt is filthy
stop and look back
and i love you"
and yet i still don't believe in opposites.
breathe mommy, breathe
can you smell the changes in me?
can you feel the changes in time?
do you want me to look back
or keep moving forward?
Can you see this person next to me who's blocking my air source
can you see that moving this person isn't going to help?
like pinching someone doesn't take the hurt out of
the gash in their finger?
gasping for air won't kill me. yet.
"I can't belive you're wearing that shirt still
don't look down or you'll fall
and i love you"
i love you too mom.
FrannyIsRad NumberEightFiftyTwo? And i think it's memories of you
the way your smile used to be for me
the way you would see me
I held fast to that feeling
kept it close
and now it lingers
and I miss your fingers
running through my hair
some nights I wonder
if I did something wrong
I think maybe I broke you a bit
with pieces left
and no one but you can put back together
so whether you like it
or I like it
or not
nothings changed
except you're place
and so ok
this is the way I chose
so we'll stay frozen
at a distance
and slumber
but I'll always wonder
what would have been.
~Irina
NumberEightFiftyThree? so ok
this is the way I
want it to be.
sure. you on your end
me curled up alone
over here.
right. i would choose
this even if
i had the chance at
something different.
no way would i want
your full attention. nope,
i don't think i'd be able
to handle that.
keep your
arms and hugs and eyes away from me
i don't want
your love.
i just want to
sit comfortable in a pool of
my own denial
and while away the hours
that you aren't with me.
RoyaBoya eight five four curled up alone over here
listening to mopey music
and this blanket hasn't
ever been over you
so why are you the one I'm thinking of?
and everything around me
suddenly has me remembering every
tiny
little
feature
of your face
EightFiveFive? Tiny
Shrouded in night as my car speeds along the freeway.
There must be flowers blooming
somewhere
behind the cold city lights
and ashtray silences that shine from the lost eyes on the corner
under the flashing neon drugstore sign.
I shake til dawn
in my nightmares soaked in blood
and listen to the echo of those few distant words
that once coursed from your lips
like cheap perfume
as you held me in your arms.
~Becky~ NumberEightFiftySix? like cheap perfume
the smell of her lingering
around you
makes me nausous.
can't you see that i
have the soft
petal like lips, she is just
bright, and gaudy,
deceptive, she hides her thorns.
i offer you any
beauty you can see in me
and make no bones about the fact that
i have been uprooted
too many times.
if you'd let me
i would grow up
my face towards
your light.
RoyaBoya
number 857
take me away
from your arms
and I'll learn to live without
constant happiness.
I know you don't.
I want you to see me
the way I see you
glowing.
I've got all these locked away memories of you
if you'd let me
i'd share them with you.
I know I can't make you care
I can't make you see
I can't make you THINK
about me.
he loves me, he loves me not...
jessica NumberEightFiftyEight? make you
realize that
i dont' tell you these stories maliciously.
just some things
need to be brought out into the harsh light
otherwise they'll
get all cobwebby
and someday
when you discover the attic like recesses of my brain
you'll sit and sneeze
and never want to
hear my old stories.
so just know that
i don't mean to
tell you things that turn your stomach
i just want to
dust everything off
right from the start.
RoyaBoya #859 you know...
sometimes I think of you
as someone I knew in my past life.
you're so distant from me now
and I don't feel the need to change it
but sometimes I wish you would.
we don't even talk about -now-
it's all about the past.
remember this...
(who could forget?) remember that...
(oh yea, that was so funny!) remember when...
(that one will stay with me forever.) i don't mean to
drag you down
with my stories
...but you were there too.
they were some good times.
(but I know you're still flakey with a tipsy spin.)
I don't know you now
and you don't know me
but it's been pleasant knowing you
while it lasted.
(nothing lasts.)
jessica #860 Mom is begging me
"Please lead a normal adult life", she says
She is tired and frazzled and I
am badgering her with requests
Duct tape
Money
Supper.
She says she has a right to be angry
"Stop needing me so much", she says
The annoyance is spread across her face
I didn't mean to do this, I just wanted
Company.
I don't care about the rest of it.
More like a paste than a soup....
It's a private little hell in here
Mom is telling me
"Please grow up"
I warm up and she turns so cold
As cold as this house, and even
Hot cocoa cannot get rid of the chill
Stop it, Mom
You don't know how old I feel
Inside.
As old as Arctic ice
And just as frozen.
#861 as old as arctic ice
as bright as northern lights
sparkling in the sky
it's like a blanket
gently draped across my shoulders
moonlight all that i can see
coming through my window
wishing on stars
blowing on dandilions
(wait it's winter now...)
i wish you were here
i wish i was there
i wish i knew
what was going on
with me...
~Jadzia EightSixTwo blowing on dandelions do you believe in wishes he said i said yes shall we blow again?
happy days happy lights happy laughs happy flights
i miss them
i miss you
i miss being a child
but as god is my witness
if we (me and me) get through this
i'll never be hungry again...
lying on the green ground do you believe in kisses you said i said yes happy days happy lights happy laughs happy flights shall we go again?
happy days happy lights happy laughs happy flights
i miss them
i miss you
i miss being a child
but as god is my witness
if we (me and me) get through this
i'll never be hungry again...
sitting on hard rocks do you believe in eyes
i said
he said no i said oh i cried that night, i must confess. EightSixThree? Shall we go again?
Roll the dice, start the spinner, turn and point
Let's choose another beginning
Jump off a cliff and land on another path
I'm tired of these trees already
I'm itching to motorcycle out of here
Loudly
Maybe I -do- give up too easily, but
Let's choose another beginning
And make up the end as we go along
eightsixfour let's choose another beginning
this one is far too trivial
we didn't dance in the moonlight
or go to a midnight carnival
our lives are for better things
our ducats should better be spent
flying on gilded wings
or sitting on elephant's heads
can't we start over together
and never stop till we are through
for one whole day you can love me
you know i've always loved you
let us toast to times past
once, twice, did never last long
let's start a new *today* love
and make up the end as we go
EightSixFive? we didn't dance in the moonlight
though we had long looked forward
to the dancing
magic walks under moon and stars
beautiful things that didn't happen.
we hardly talked
I don't know where the time went
gone so quick.
And I'd see you again so soon
so it wasn't too big a problem if we didn't talk then,
there'd be many more hours for long talks,
moonlit walks.
But plans fell through
and it was too late
to get the lost time back.
~Qete~ EightSixSix? Beautiful things that didn't happen
slip away and leave me
gasping.
Memories that never were,
flowery
almost palpable under my searching fingers,
sweet smell crushed under my frantically groping mind.
We never kissed did we? except in my head.
You never held my longing hand
or put your baby rose mouth
to the soft fluttering hollow of my throat,
except in my dreams.
Beautiful things that didn't happen,
lost time all yellowed like grandmother's lace.
The smell of all the fallen flower petals,
withered dry and gone,
smother me with their regret perfume.
~Becky~
#867 Memories are in my head.
Sometimes they feel like lead.
They make me whine,
they make me pine.
But in every way are what Becky said.
-Victor EightSixEight? Sometimes they feel like lead
these feet of mine
that are supposed to dance
they're too heavy to pick up
despite the music that i've grown
to love and hate at the same time
it's a reminder of the fact
that you're not with me
and I've got no one to dance for
NumberEightSixNine? at the same time
i'm laughing
and it feels fine
except my lips are cracking a little
i'll get used to it
i'd better because
every time i see that silly grin of yours
i can't help but mimic it
don't get too used to smiling girlie
it won't last forever.
FrannyIsRad 870 I'll get used to it
People will never be
As perfect as I want
As strong
As beautiful
As distant
As innocent
My illusions will fail
I'll be better for it
The pedestals I hold you on
will someday fall
Your faults and cracks
Will be visible
And I'll see you
for who you really are
Then I can begin
To really love you
NickH
NUmberEightSeventyOne your faults and cracks
run through my foundation
and watch me crumble.
you are so sure
of me, and my reactions. so sure.
i put you on a pedastel
and climbed
beyond the stars
to sit beside you.
but unlike you
i will fall.
RoyaBoya Eight7Two? watch me crumble
watch me tumble to the ground
watch my crack underneath your stare
the stare that I used to hold
I used to hold it like my own
it was a power trip I guess
proving that I was worthy of your gaze
proving that I was strong enough
to look into someone's eyes
to look that deep into someone's soul
but I had to mask it as something
that made me think I was stronger than you
when the whole time I was just made of glass
and you could have shattered me
with the tiniest little touch
NumberEightSevenThree? i was just made of glass
scared of extremes
blending with walls i was
copper
fading and changing and watching
i kicked dust and didn't stay around
to watch it settle
i didn't want that dust staying in my lungs
and settling on my shoes
black and shiney
because the saleswoman said
we don't sell
brand-new-shiny-dustless hearts
here
so i made do with shoes
and now i'm leaving
glass breaks quickly
but not me
i am one strong girlie
folding perfect creases in brand new dollar bills
and talking about cute guys and cute girls
and your grandmothers perfume
because i remember it as well as
the angel boy with perfect eyes
and dusty hair
and my new shoes started to feel broken in
and i left because i knew
that dust would fly soon
i was made of glass
but i could run.
FrannyIsRad NumberEightSevenFour? started to feel broken in
and you got tired of me
already.
you must like things that
pinch. not good old loyal trusting souls
who would go anywhere
with you.
so trade me in
exchange
me. hope you kept the receipt.
i'll just sit here
remembering the first time
you wanted to take me home.
RoyaBoya 875 Was I always this confused?
Or did I used to know wo I was?
Life used to be so simple,
Or did it?
How can I be sure?
It's no longer then.
Or is it?
I'll just sit here
For awhile,
And contemplate the meaning of life.
Does it matter if I sleep for an extra hour tomorrow?
Sometimes I say "Yes!"
And sometimes I say "No!"
I think I need to turn on the light.
Not out there.
In here.
~erynne NumberEightSeventySix? i think i need to hide my body
in the trunk of a car
or in a sack
dropped off the pier.
and maybe then you'd
remember that you miss me.
morbid thoughts tonight, but then again
you've always been the one to
cuddle with the skeletons in my closet
while i wished i had
a little less meat on my bones.
and i thought that'd make me warmer.
i thought i wouldn't need
your skin and arms.
but when you're built for being
someone's pillow
you tend to
feel like you're worthless, not
fulfilling the job you were made for.
and i want to hide myself under
the bed, in a closet, because it
embarrases me sometimes
it can't dance, and
not everyone waits around to see
my shining personality.
and you were the only one i
wanted my body for anyway.
but you are off
burying bones in
someone else's backyard, while i
am writing morbid thoughts alone in the dark
and maybe i'll
stay here long enough
that i'll turn into a skeleton
and then maybe
you'll love me.
RoyaBoya NumberEightSeventySeven? but when you're built for being someones pillow
nothing hurts
nothing matter
and you like it that way
otherwise
you'd be dead
what's the opposite of pillow?
me
everything dents me and rams into me
and doesn't bounce off
and there's a difference between
"you're gorgeous"
and "i hate you"
take your pillows
and don't think of me
while they muffle your pain
your life
and you do
i guess my sarcasm doens't drip the way i tried.
fuzzy pajamas make me remember
hot cocoa spilled on the kitchen floor
and burning my foot on the way
and i stood there with an angry red sploth on my ankle
and and angry you glaring at me
"can't you do anything right?"
i liked that color red
and i painted my bedroom walls
and wrote your name in microscopic print
in the very left hand corner of the wall
and sat staring at it
drinking the cocoa that had stayed in the pan
and wondering if my heart
was the same color as the walls.
FrannyIsRad NumberEightSeventyEight? (for someone) that color red
you loved it
and smeared it on your journal pages
and wrote "this is today"
and hid it in your bottom dresser drawer
with your old teddy bear
and you're sick of hiding things but
there's nothing else to do....
you sit and stitch up the rip in your pants
and they sit there and watch you
and what's a girl to do
but finnish quickly
and run out the door
and this will never ever be over
you insist
no matter how much you want it ot be you can't believe it
and you aren't sure you want to
but you're still sick of hiding
and wearing long sleeves
and keepin your wings hidden in the drawer
with all your other secrets
i'm still smiling at you.
FrannyIsRad 879 So much to do,
And so little time to do it in.
Sometimes I think I just need a break,
But then I realise I already had one.
I wish I could just drop what I'm doing,
And run out the door,
Down the road,
And away.
~erynne 880 i wish i could just drop what i'm doing
no obligations
away from it all
just for a little while
an hour? a minute?
time to be alone
just -be-
i want time alone
time with you
to deal with what i'm feeling
to figure out where my life is going
where? what? why?
just for a little while...
~Jadzia EightEightyOne? just for a little while
i'd like for you to stop moving
further away
and step back into focus
just for a few seconds i'd like to
look at you
and remember what it was
what is has been and what it is
you used to be so close
i could see through your skin
your eyes were my lights
i thought your faces were painted
into my hands
but you keep walking away these days
and the paint is starting to fade
so i'd like for you to be still,
stop,
so i can see you
so i can paint everything in
-summer EightEightyTwo? what it has been
if fading
rainbows fade
and i used to be multi-colored like that
until people told me to tone it down
pastel perfect
pretty and pink
and i wrapped my bright orange pants
in garbage sacks
and stuffed them in a drawer
my vibrant drawer
my color drawer
my eleven-going-on-twelve-perfect-year-of-my-life drawer
orange follows me
but now i yell at it
and blend in
purple is fine
if i'm crying and red
is good for hats
but not lipstick
but my memorie hasn never been that good
so people are still telling me i'm too bright
me
i
am bright
and they don't mean my smile
or my heart
they mean they want me like them
maybe so they can't be jealous?
maybe so i don't learn to dance
learn to sing
and not share
i'm learning to not be bright
but still shine!
FrannyIsRad NumberEightEightyThree? i
am bright, like
diamond tears. i wish i could
cry purple.
cry beautiful.
make you wake
take away your sleep
like the dead
i don't want you
lying still i cry
real tears
over you.
bright ones
like
me. they hurt
worse than stings
worse than
blood
my stomach turns and i
want to see you
smiling
wake up wake up don't
go to bed
stay up and listen
talk and laugh
don't make me
miss you
don't let my
face get puffy
my nose gets shiny
my tears aren't
precious
they just drip
down my face and
evaporate.
don't
make me cry.
no one wants to see
my red eyes.
RoyaBoya NumberEightEightyFour? Bright ones
are turning my head
pulling the carrots out of my garden
and making me drop my pillow
over the edge of my bed
as i fumble for reality
and try to see past florescent lights
burning about as much as
ice cubes do
just glowing on the outside
fire
is what keeps things going
and pulls at my fingers
fire-eyelight
and real songs
not the ones we sang around the camp fire
in kindergarden
real fire
real songs
real me
watching and tickling myself
and laughing
it isn't funny
or so they say
picking small yellow bits off the foam pad
we have spread on the floor
sitting on it
sinking in
and talking about fire
FrannyIsRad eighteightfive as i fumble for reality, life kicks you in the face and you see
that reality is something you release, not trap
and some girls spend all their whole lives
searching in haystacks
for needles
or kissing toads
or stepping through enchanted mirrors
but me i never was like the other girls
and they knew it
though i didn't
so i spent my time in the garden
hunting bugs
or on the phone
hunting bliss
but bliss does not live here anymore
no change of address was left
because you can't go forwards when you're facing the past
unless you walk backwards talking about fire, how long does it take a girl to burn?
does she shrivel or explode, and did you know
the soldier girl was killed, because girls don't fight.
walking backwards is generally discouraged for reasons of
you bump into things
also
it is slow.
no i must admit
you're not who i thought you were
and when i look in the mirror
it's not who i thought i was either
by fred EightEightSix
i knocked on the door of my soul
i was searching for Dreams
and the crafts she always had for me
i wanted a word or two with Myself
who i was and who i longed to be
to ask her which way to never never land
where the stories could be real again
i was looking for Bliss
who i hadn't seen in some time
so i could hang out with her for a while
the door cracked open
a shadowy form blocked the dim light from within
the voice inside answered
tired, scarred, and scared
and spoke the words i feared to hear
she told me i should've come sooner
that i should have found a way not to have left at all
she told me that i could look all i want
but Bliss does not live here anymore
i asked for Myself
but she was asleep in the back
in a near comatose state
from paralyzing grief
and without the others
Dreams could no longer shine
the door closed and i walked away
wondering if Bliss will ever come back
wondering if i'd recognize her if she did
wondering if it would be too late
for Myself
Jauss eighteightseven and so we went our own ways
we always knew we should
i thought time would last longer but
the bad flies with the good
i did not think i'd meet you
your grin was never planned
your kiss was unexpected
and i did not want your hand
we all get what we love
but what we hate, finds us as well
i did not think to turn away
to your sweet arms i fell
time trips and larks and dances
tis always on the run
paused for our reckless glances
and then our time was Done.
you stood and walked away, love
and i, i watched your back
depart thee to the shadows
i shall not call thee back
must we recieve what we wish
and which we spurn, as well?
too, we find indifferent things
we think not on /these/ at all.
love, hate, hold indifferent
which am i to you?
or do i care which you are
have we even love to prove?
yes, you left by night's pall
shadows poised to fall
and i? i. i...knocked on my soul's door
but she was at the mall
by fred 888 i lost the light in the harolding of the dawn
the soft white transfusion that held me through the night
waiting to transport me into the loving arms
of the nothing that is always there
nobody kissed me goodnight
as the
shadows poised to fall
across the golden darkness
swallowed by my silver eyes
truth turned into lies as the
sun overtook the stars
turned them into petty little daisies
grumbling of the rose that turned them into
a joke.
kat EightEightyNine a joke.
transforms the
small girl's shining eyes
into storm clouds
and the carefree arms, loving
are clenched as fists
all from
a joke.
890 the love i felt for you
boiled over into storm clouds
shadowing the very center of the poetry
i felt spill from my tongue
like i was the spring flowing from the mountain
my words got stuck in my throat
& my fingers would not touch the strings
for fear of breaking them
or making it wrong
worse than it is now?
you moved to meet
& i turned away
part rejection
& part rejected
i watched you move
like a deer through the woods
i watched you run
like a stampede of animals
running from the faces
you didn't want to see
& the words
you didn't want to hear
& i smiled
because
it was all i could do.
--kat
891 It was all I could do
To spin you into gold
Switching your straw hair
For metallic threads
Changing your harsh words
To honey drops
And I knew
An instant after I'd been through
It was a mistake
It still is.
892
through all the twists you'd swam through
this one left you the most dumbfounded
you watched the horizon for the one true thing
as you looked around for the music
it was a mistake
you left it behind.
EightNinetyThree? it was a mistake, and the weight of that mistake just gets heavier
when screaming turns to sighs of resignment that just resonate
somehow the quiet is louder than your anger
you were always mad, always mad about something but in that I found
some kind of peace for myself.
it was a mistake, and I can admit these kind of things these days
but it is very quiet and small without you,
and that is the biggest thing some nights.
nights where there is a silence in my hands where your skin was
-summer
Eight Ninety Four
"Look! It's a photograph!"
So I'm lookin' at this picture
And yah know? It's the first honest picture
I've seen of me, in a while.
And it's been a while.
I can look at this picture and say
I'm the girl I always was
I haven't put on a mask here
I'm the girl I always will be
The sparkle in my eyes, always near.
So I want to wave around this picture
And make copies and shout out
I'm real! This is proof!
EightNinetyFive Every night comes a time
When the sun don't shine no more
When the waves down by the shore
Don't beat the sand like they used to
Hold onto the naked shells
They'll bring you back home again
Hold onto the light of the moon
It will transport you farther away
Then you ever knew.
Remember this.
EightNinetySix? When the sun don't shine no more
plug me into my very own
sun. My own sun.
we'll make what nature
don't want us to have.
we can each be
our own solar system
every man his own planet
righteous people don't
share.
When there aren't any more tigers
we can draw pictures. There are zoos.
Our very own tigers.
we'll make our own
if we wreck 'em up.
and if there isn't any paper
well I guess
we didn't need no tigers
anyway.
EightNintySeven? We'll make our own
and tun it insideout upsidedown
rightside wrong.
We'll start over without books
we don't need your answer books
we can find things for ourselves we can write
our worlds
and never earase a word
we are flying.
I know you want to fly too
because I've watched you watching the geese
migrate north
fly south
and you envey them
I know because you're eyes are practically screaming it
especially when I bring a cup of coffee
out to the lawn where you're staring at the sky
and you don't notice
just spill a few drops on your shirt
I know you're flying then
the slats of the lawn chair
are only visible to other people
you are fifty feet above ground
soaring and dipping
and I drop the coffee cup
porcalin pieces look so strange on the grass
everything belongs somewhere
and broken cups don't belong on the lawn
but then I never thought you belonged in the sky.
FrannyIsRad 898 I sit here,
Watching the birds fly by,
Soaring and dipping,
Diving and turning.
They are free.
If I could,
I would join them.
And fly with them.
Soaring and dipping,
Diving and turning,
Shedding my worries and responsabilities,
Like a snake sheds it's skin.
But I cannot go,
I have no wings to carry the weight of my body.
I am heavy,
I am burdened,
I am weighted.
So I sit here,
Watching the birds fly by,
Soaring and dipping,
Diving and turning,
And I hope for better times.
~erynne EightNintyNine? a snake sheds it's skin
and i want to
the dirt and hurt
pain and gain
good, bad, worse
will all slide to the ground
piles of nothingness
decorating my street
and no one would know that pieces
of me are in those piles
i'd watch them kick at those piles
sending dust flying
unaware
and i'd laugh
FrannyIsRad NineHundred? Pain and gain I saw your face Gazing upward toward the heavens I never meant to hurt you I'm sorry.
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