OneTwoOhOne Lift up your eyes from your wrists, thighs, stomach See the sky through the tree leaves (I can feel my skin twitching) Run through the biggest field you can find, feel only the clay beneath your feet only the breath, in and out of your lungs, trying to rip through your throat alone as you've ever been (but for once it's alright) Walk slowly with me Sit in my room at night Read your poems to me and no I wasn't actually listening that hard I was watching your hands I was watching the inside of your arms I was watching the candle flame I was watching your fingers rest on the page, ready for anything OneTwoOhTwo i was watching the inside of your arm you know, that blank canvas where our struggles are written out tired of the way the light slants off of slits time for something more honest than that. remembering how i fell from you to you into you and how i kept going back to the beginning, from the sky hit the floor bounce back and fly again gotta find something more permanent than that too.
OneTwoOhThree gotta find something soon. looking everywhere the sky pounding speakers My cigarette. The Mobil truck in front of us reflects the clouds and the zooming highway, line after line of miles and i doubt that the driver realizes the perfect sphere that he carries behind him. -sarah the sphere that he carries behind him melds perfectly with the vortex that i am and will always be strange but the way you ignore me is absolutely what i needed now do you believe that where's the lie?? OneTwoOhFive do you believe that magic is my cure is my medicine and magic is what you make it and you've made it me. do you believe then, that me, is the ocean is the mountains that stretch so far and take care of those that they don't scare and if the mountains trap you the ocean will float you away (but what if you want to come back) but if i am the mountains then i can hold and you would believe that i am what i want to be and nothing more in which case i crumble because i am nothing. -franny 1206 "what I want to be" you know, I'm not even sure what that is anymore I used to have this image in my head of who I want to be and what I want to do and where I want to be but now my life's gotten flipped upside down and shaken violently and nothing's in its place anymore everything used to be where it belonged now I don't know where anything belongs myself included (do I really belong anywhere?) and maybe there isn't a place for everything everything sure as hell isn't in its place because if there isn't a place for something how can it be there? so, you're the genius tell me where I belong
OneTwoOhSeven turned upside down and shaken like the little globes i played with when i was "little" (i always broke 'em) with the plastic figures and buildings all happy in the snow or glitter never wondering what's outside the globe (it's me wanting in) never knowing that jars break and glitter is washed away by the water they live in like i'll be washed away by life. -franny OneTwoOhEight never wondering what's outside the globe my fish are content with marbles and swaying plants and sunlight. ani difranco says they have no memory but they perk up when I arrive, honestly they do. another constant in their life like e=mc squared but they don't know how that effects them. edith is quite unaware of gravity. content floating she is and martha, well you can never tell about martha, she might well know about gravity and poetry and maybe that's why she's so mean. a happy goldfish is a lot like a happy human: unaware. think about it. if you pulled a veil of water about your ears, would you be satified?
TwelveNine about your ears: were you listening that day when i told you i loved you did you hear the way you caught your breath and i'll have to pay one way or another love is expensive just now i don't care. -jafe~ 1210 just now I don't care; i think we can live forever on stars and every kiss will be like a silver blade bleeding moonlight inside our bodies I won't sing you any love songs but I'll tell you fairytales until you fall asleep and at the end of each one you will rescue me 1211 I won't sing you any love songs anymore because i know it angers your soul to hear my soft voice call out i love; love you true. but in return all i ask of you is to lift up your eyes and not run away to say to the world i hurt myself today 1212 but in return all i ask of you is to stop playing games my piece fell off the board and my feet don't even touch the ground why i am so lost and confused. listen to me. you have the world wrapped around your fingers people are intertwined with you because you are loved. stop playing games with us we aren't candyland pieces i am not five anymore
1213 I am not five anymore just give me a little room to move around don't keep me squished inside your fist the fist that used to be comfortable has gotten too small and I need a bigger space but some spaces are too big so don't let me go completely I just want the option to get up and walk around whenever I need to I'm not five anymore you don't have to hold my hand but when I ask for it, will you?
1214 will you give to me what you offered if you made me cry? this has been my hope and my ridiculous idealistic idea of you wrapped up in me and /wanting/ it would you ever leave me if i forgot to forgive that you made me cry? my full head and empty hands spoke for me and you so let me show you what your words are made of -ali twelvefifteen what are your words made of? yes, sometimes i wonder if you quite mean all you say perchance it is my blunder to believe your fallacies transforming assumptions into extravagant promises i don't know you very well. OneTwoOneSix i don't know when you'll give up and let me breathe i don't even want to because i've choked on fresh air before new air and it's just as bad hold on a little tighter to what you have it slips away so fast hold on just keep it like this forever. -franny 1217 happyness it slips away so fast you better hold on tight because happyness comes and goes so fast sometimes you forget you even took that moment to smile. it runs around and toils with your emotions. changes hello smiles into goodbye tears. it spinns you a mask so you can lift up the ends of your smile and say i'll be okay somday. somedays i wounder if you can see past the good bye smiles or if you really just think that everytime to say good bye you die a little
1218 you better hold on tight because as I watch helplessly your life is starting to spin it's getting out of control and I can't find a way to stop it I worry about you, you know I worry whether your grip could possibly be strong enough I know mine isn't but I think that I would risk not being strong enough if only I could run fast enough to catch up with you and grab hold and I want so much to help you but I don't think I can and I don't think you want me to
OneTwoOneNine i don't think i can go back anymore i've come too many notebook pages forward too many stamps bought and too many smiles wasted. a smile is never wasted. that's what you say at least. you're the one recieving all the smiles. i don't believe in you. -franny OneTwoTwoOh i don't believe that you ever really saw me & when you said you missed me who i was what i could have been you can't miss me, you never even knew me you let me go you threw me away before we even had a chance to see who we could be. i don't believe that you ever told me the truth everytime you opened your mouth lies like a fountain of pain & i danced beneath it like it was love itself because at least i was with you, right? OneTwoTwoOne when you said you missed me i knew it was true then i climbed a mountain. -franny OneTwoTwoTwo I climbed a mountain,
the day that you died.
And I never meant to go anywhere,
but rather fall of the edge.
I didn't want to go on,
continue life as before.
I missed you so much,
that it seemed as if the sun had died.
I couldn't go on,
without your love and laughter.
Or so it seemed,
until i reached the edge.
You came to me,
like you always had.
And showed me,
what life is all about.
You showed me,
that it's okay to live on,
even if you don't.
I climbed a mountain,
the day that you died.
And I never meant to go anywhere,
but now I can't go anywhere but the top.
-Snow
OneTwoTwoThree You came to me like a shot in the back when I turned away in disgust And I wonder if I'll ever truly get over you; You, the first girl I fell in love with and when we watched that sunset together (Didn't we?) When I kissed you goodbye (Didn't I?) When you fell into my embrace (You didn't) And all those made-up worlds I created. OneTwoTwoFour And all those made up worlds Don't mean anything When I am sleeping alone And you are off dreaming. -jafe~ OneTwoTwoFive When I am sleeping alone, (or trying to) I can see it all cleearly. I can see how everything should fit together, And how I could fix it. It all just seems to make sense, As I look at the plastic glowing bug on my ceiling. It will work this time. I can do it. But in the morning, I wake up. ~erynne oneTwoTwoSix I wake up. The sun has risen and is shining on my bed the roses have blossomed and spread their petals all shiny and new the scent is overpowering the sight is refreshing I wake up. The clouds are floating above me the sea is shining blue the grass is as green as emeralds trees sway in the growing wind I step out into the shining world awake before I had risen I smell the delicious smells of the world around me and smile. -Snow 1227 The sun has risen it's early morn' because i can feel the dew drops making a frost bite necklace underneath my collar bone. i stand hiding underneath my skin just trying to survive i sand there not looking just standing i watch the faces i look up to pass me by i get an icy cold glare to feed my soul. the glare catches my soul on fire making me outraged. the buss much like me life rolls in 3 minuets late making me miss my connection and the friends i forgot to make in school. it is packed full and crowded i slip my cold fingers into my pocket and something hard clangs agents my fake nails. the ends of my lips raise up to make a small evil smile. i pat my pocket that holds my fathers 22 gun i know that today i will finally make those bitches notice me. the little lost girl with no were to flee
1228 no thing to do no where to flee no one to love no one to see cast yourself out, slam all the doors see if i care you ignorant bozo. 1229 slam all the doors lock the windows and laugh like a maniac feel shellshocked and broken silent and decieving and scream like a monster scream a little sigh a little cry a little laugh a little slam all the doors break all the cups become a hermit and never utter another word again. scream a little sigh a lot cry a little and never stop laughing.
1230 break all the cups just like you always have scream and shout rant and rave like the mad maniac that you are glare, evil eyed and silent walk slowly, then spin around and return for more hit, punch, swing and miss kick, scratch, poke and prod scream out loud and strong to make the others hear, what they already know run, jump, climb and hide away from all the world disappear, float and fly and leave all the world behind dream, write, cry and sleep speak, sing, and smile run from the truth, hide from the lies jump onto the next cloud passing you by climb into the world. -Snow OneTwoTwoSix? Beneath my gaze And all those made up worlds collide I scream
Why,
why,
WHY?
I'll join you someday
I call you Ursula
I almost cannot bring myself to
tell them
Mother
Was
I have to use
Was
When I'm talking to
you
Such a child
as me
Such as child
as
me.
You all may hate this
You will all hate this
I don't know why I
Silently
Write these things
Anyway
Silently.
SILENTLY?
To make the others hear?
I do know that
I
often am
too early
And yet,
I am
too
late.
-Fuzzhead
TwelveThirtyTwo "Waiting for the Walls to Come Down" She knows it's too late When on the black streets She's walking alone on a Saturday night They're whispering, you gotta give up You gotta give in, You know it's not a sin, But she won't without a fight. It's not a clinic for saints It's a club for sinners Run from wall to wall all your life Maybe they let walls down for winners Those who keep a smile on their face. Walking alone on a Saturday night Listen to the rhyme of the streets They all have a story and a reason to be Walled in, hidden, covered with sheets Her mouth isn't the one choking on blood But it's still and it's watchful and silent Brick and stone and concrete put up To cover the pain behind things done wrong Her eyes won't be the ones to cry out Because she's running to the walls that come down Because she's waiting for the walls to come down She's walking alone on a Saturday night She's got a hint of breeze on her face She's talking to herself on a Saturday night Because she's all she's got in this place And she's running and watching and waiting Waiting for the walls to come down.
TwelveThirtyThree And all those made up worlds collide Crashing into a fiery ring around my soul. There are too many White Blank Thoughts tonight and i feel completly disconnected from everything else that exists... Three pipes and i'm still not numb, forgetful, or happy enough so lost and small, so lost and small, so lost and small I can't stand, can't move, can't stop staring at the dark, dark sky. -sarah OneTwoThreeFour can't stop staring at the dark, dark sky. but then again i can't stop stairing towards the new you the old us and the way she sang her song. can't stop craving those thick, thick paints. the way it splatters my page scairs me awake because the desing is shaped like my lovers bleeding heart, her sliced up body and my friends shattered wings. i can't stop loving your beautiful beautiful soul i'm sorry i know i no longer sleep in your heart because you've mooved on to an icey road patch on your hot path to hell roasting and cooking you last words spitting out your mouth i'll regret you and your soft both hands OneTwoThreeFive and the way she sang her song as i slowly closed my eyes to sleep sweet melodies in my ear those dried up roses on the shelf waiting for someone to toss them out the way her eyes sparkled with impish delight as we threw snowballs wildly in the night sounds that act as words and laughter without bounds her voice his eyes my smile images from fairytales with silent language and than, you awake.
OneTwoThreeSix images from fairytales or a romantic comedy: in slow motion they twirl, laughing, her earrings twinkle his smile is so dazzling.... and you wonder why you don't puke. there's the comedy: a whole romantic comedy where nobody loses their lunch. besides, my girl has crooked teeth and she still can beat ol' Charming Boy anyday. get out of the theater exhausted. half blinded by the whiteness. creepy guy walks by and instead of huddling around me protectively my girl backs off. make me a movie where it's romantic to get your white teeth punched in for holding hands with your love. but this is reality. we all know the joke about l-shaped sheets. after their Light Pleasant Lovemaking, the couple happily settles down, his chest glistening. make me a movie where people come silently, come loudly come at all damnit and they don't glisten and they don't make pleasent little noises they just moan or don't. make me a movie where people enjoy their sex. the end of the film is approaching. strings announce heartache and she goes to Paris and he appears! Glistening and dazzling, of course. puke. make me a movie where tearstreaked faces are the end.
OneTwoThreeSeven tearstreaked faces mine but not your's so i ate bitter disappointment & fairy tale endings with a fake smile as mother tells me "i wish you'd smile more" mother tells me "i miss my sweet little girl" mother tells me "i wish you'd wear dresses" tearstreaked faces told me goodbye & gave me one last hug how could i explain the truth with a serious look as mother tells me "i don't understand" mother tells me "i want you to stay here" mother tells me "i don't think you really loved her" tearstreaked faces greeted me as i turned around to the "no" section & i felt tears touch mine she hugged me tight as mother tells me "he never did" mother tells me "you've never been really hurt" mother tells me "he loved you"
OneTwoThreeEight Mine but not yours, cut off in the rain, crying through all those days when I'm cut off from the world, and seem to live in the scraps of sunlight that filter through the blinds. I slip as I walk down the big hill today on the ice, the wind almost blows me over, but I'm smiling, because in the moment before falling, I'm the most real. Oh but when I really fall, hard and on the gravel, I'll be too real, because I always get hurt beyond repair. And when I mend again, finally you're long gone, onto another world, another topic, and I'm just left looking at the dust and scars.
OneTwoThreeNine the wind almost blows me over as i see the look on your face & know it's true it whispers through me & i think no (nononono) this it's it's time to recover the fragments i lost & i pick up the pieces of the windblown me (how did i shatter ) (how did i fall ) i lose some forever & i know i will never be whole again (a funny thing happens... from the second that you are born to the minute you die you lose a part of yourself everyday another piece, gone & so from the second you are born you are never whole again.)
OneTwoFourOh How did I fall so fast. There must be some alternative to gradually losing the progress made. What is it about here that makes me want to hide to disappear. Perhaps in a week, I'll be right back where I started. Except this time without my safety net. ~Qetyria~ one two four one so fast it's all the same i need that one person to tell me what to do next. i know what it is i have to do this time and you can't help me decide i have the will power. i can cross the river and say no to mtv. OneTwoFourTwo and say no to the most beautiful the girls with the air flowing around their faces their lips curved in the smile of the muses, & all i want is to write songs, to write poetry to take pictures & give them what they want. & everyday there's a new challenge & everyday there's one less reason to fall in love again.
OneTwoFourThree to fall in love again with youth and luminescence to eat birthday cake and stop time I would follow you to the brilliant horizon. to turn to you, to bend to you would be unnatural and yet, to kiss your mouth again, I would. I have been turning all this time. - Naela (Thank you, Robyn.) 1244 to fall in love again would mean i'd have to lift up my eyes and not run away to say to the world i'm ready to love again.
TwelveFourFive to fall in love again to right all that we've wronged to fix everything unfixable to begin again then we must first remember but must we recall it all? yes, it is tempting recollecting every forgotten moment stolen kisses midnight hours when we should have been in bed missed minutes that we should have had yes, it is sweet and sickly to recall it is delightful and deadly the remembering the beautiful, disgusting remembering of all the things we said all the things we never meant do not take me back again. ~j OneTwoFourSix do not take me back again to walk your ringing hallways with defenses ready because soon soon someone will ask me something expect something take something and I must be ready to answer give take back. do not hand the sheets of paper to me in the front of the room i will not pass them back collect them again hand them in to be mercilessly read with a cold voice to colder minds bent over desks no eye contact so dutiful you are only waiting and i can see it in your eyes when you ask a question and behind your question is how much longer? all of you freeze dried and looking as if nothing is more important than the red marker on the dry erase board under the florescent lights bright enough to keep you going when your long day should be behind you and you should be at home with a book unfortunatly if you were at home it would be your history book so you're ready for tomorrow when the boards will start clean hallways floors polished so you can almost see your reflection in them insted of going into the crowded bathrooms full of sleeping zombies to get a look at yourself in the mirror circles under your eyes look into your eyes and tell yourself you can get through today you can't live without this. with this you are nothing. without that i am everything. -franny (who has been in the school for drivers ed:) OneTwoFourSeven tomorrow, i will wake up & cold & porcelain like the light above me i drag myself out of bed to make my morning tea. my hair sticking up in tufts like indignant minature mohawks & my breath turning to crystal in the cold air as i walk to the gate, to see if anyone saw fit to think of me with written proof. i turn on the music turn up the music & watch the rain turn another day misty grey in afternoon light. my voice sounds like gravel underneath tires but i sing anyway because no one can hear me no one is here. i imagine what it would be like to have no one to worry about, to have no family to please, no one to fail, no one else to clean the dishes for. i imagine a world without you, & i give a little smile until i remember i should be frowning. i turn over & over & dust my picture frames i look in the mirror (looking for the scars on my arms i forget that they're over a year old & wonder where they went) i take the time to inspect every human flaw in the pale sickly glow of my skin & another day passes before my eyes like a petal turning to dust in my fingers. i write a letter to you, write a poem for you, draw a picture of you & then i'm done with you. i close my eyes with billie holiday singing me to sleep & i find myself with her again, with him again find their eyes boring into me as i run from some unnameable evil (the same one that chases me through every dream every night) i find myself on the precipice of some dark mysterious pit, sinking down into the flesh of the earth where i wonder (could it turn me whole again would i be able to breath easy again?)
OneTwoFourEight i write a poem for you leaned up against a cold wall scraping my shoulders when i move in a tank top i shouldn't be wearing in march in wisconsin but the color called to me hanging out of my drawer and i slipped it on just a little blue eyeshadow that no one has ever seen me in and suddenly i feel beautiful and can wear a blanket because when i feel beautiful i don't need mirrors and if i could go back there next week feeling beautiful i could walk strong and leave bathroom doors closed i could shout inside (i'm still too scared to shout out loud what would they do to me?) but i could break the circles boys here laughing girls there giggling i could sit on the floor in between and smile back there smiles are qustioning confused they don't sit on the floor here (their floor is cold) i try to form my smile into an answer. they are taught confusion i try to smooth it out... not hard enough? -franny OneTwoFourNine shout inside this box made of lies & little pieces of truth just enough to keep you hanging on i claw at the bars of my prison with pens & pins & knifes that are all useless against it the only true way to fly is to just jump. so i smile at the most inappropriate times (when the main character dies romantically in her love's arms, i am beaming when i am told i should be crying)
OneTwoFiveOh shout outside my skin has been crawling with yesterday and the rain i absorbed rain of joy rain of pain rain of you my mystery has been the mud puddles have been my bath have been my sanctuary when you were gone you never were my sanctuary anyway but i need one you know? i know you do. you've always known. that's why it's raining. -franny NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 1 times, last edited on March 12, 2002 by 63.175.56.67. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
