Random Honesty

i am alone in more ways than one i am tired and not only in body i am bleeding just not on the surface i am a doll broken from too much love and left in a box forgotten in someone's attic am i beautiful under all the dirt and does anyone care enough to look no i'm not stupid i know what you have at one point all assumed amd i was angry for a while because you didn't know me or what was happening to me what i was going through you knew only rumours and you my now dearest friends even listened at first but i let go of my anger i couldn't do anything anyway i even believed them for a while myself don't feel sorry for me it was just another way to blame it all on me i don't want to be myself i want to crawl out of my body struggle out of my life and swim to the surface i'm drowning here i have to get some air i'm tired of carrying everything but i can't let go can't let you down i refuse to ask for help i WILL do this by myself the question is will i die trying if i knew that i would i wonder if it would make a difference i don't want to be the tough girl i don't want to be the girl who gets in fights all the time the street kid who's seen too much too young who's living too fast you know what they say about that after all i want to be you i wish i had your love your friends your popularity your fame and you don't see it but i do oh baby i do does this all seem rushed and breathless maybe it is but it's only my random thoughts branded written down at the pace i think them flashes back to my glitterboy it's too bad i couldn't see past the glitter i loved him for a while until he hurt me made me harder and sadder than ever shattered my heart into a million pieces that i'm still trying to put together want to know a secret i made love to a murderer his hands stained my arms red with blood but i didn't know until he led me to the mirror and showed me the mirror that now shimmers and warps when i look at it showing me another version of me look at those hips you're so fat that's what my friends tell me that's what the guys tell me so i join the legions of girls who live on ice smoke and drinks hey don't we all want to be beautiful i'm teetering on a razor-thin ledge don't look down baby you might want to jump and i already do want to jump i want to fly off the edge of the roof i'm dancing on i dare you to push me i wouldn't blame you if you did remember the cliff by my house i showed you when you visited well maybe someday i'll have the courage to jump i only flirt with death someday he'll get tired of these games and rape me but i still can't stop i don't want to go to sleep i see the flashes that haunt me of blood and knives and my death it's just a preview of the coming attraction baby look ahead the road is splitting into two pieces choose a path choose a course choose a life i'm caught is it really MY decision swept up by the purple wave mixed in with the paint on my brush tracing a line onto the canvas a line in the story i'm waiting for your promises to come through where's the child support this month don't you know we're hungry eyes that you don't want to think about well i'd forget you you too if i could leave you back there behind the dirt road i used to run up and down when i was young when i was happy with my imaginary friends i didn't have any real kids to play with i was different i didn't fit into their carbon-copy school mold but i didn't know any different then being alone so i was happy except that i never got hugs as a kid i wish my parents were more affectionate well not now but then i remember the sound of water on rocks i remember the sound of wind in my ears almost like the wind when i went drag racing for the first time and i've been addicted ever since i always loved speed loved going fast i fly through everything and i'm going so fast i don't ever stop to think just go right on through and oops i fucked up again i always fuck up am i just stupid i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry but you haven't ever forgiven me and you well you always say i make excuses you say what i do is stupid well i'm sorry again thrice more i only try and tell the truth why isn't it good enough i'm falling at your feet falling through the floor sinking into quicksand but not quite fast enough just enough time to change my mind and scream for help but no one hears i pushed them all too far away they all gave up a long time ago when i said leave me alone i didn't mean it i'm watching you all from across a river of tears that came from my eyes jagged little pieces of saline that hardened with no one to catch them before they hit the ground sharp tiny crystals ten thousand times more precious than diamonds find them on the dirty street put them in your pocket keep a little piece of me the little glittered girl with her head down and her hands in her pockets walking directly into the setting sun and looking like she's burning turning to ashes that dissolve in the wind because don't you know she could never stay in one place for long she was always on the run looking for something that always seemed to dance just out of reach of her fingers that would have reached it but for the chain binding her feet back to that place she used to call home and they forgot to make a key eyelashes flutter over tired eyes time to slap this up for everyone to see everyone to judge wonder if they'll be able to pick themselves out of the tangle of dreams thoughts and honesty.

SkipBackwardsTo