Ruths Random Writings

Heres a place for some of my more...Random moments. Be forwarned that these or somtimes very random and/or depressing. Feel free to leave your comments at the bottom as I would love to read them.

I sit. I stare. I think. Think. Think about things... About what could be. What will be. What has been. Or will become. What it might do. To me. To you. To..... The sky. Blue. Clouds cascading across the sky. The grass. Dead. Death. Winter. Dead. All dead. Pine trees. Green. Alive. Stretching up. To. The sky. Grey now. Cold. Snow. Melts. To mud. Spring. Alive! Everything grows! Green! Purple! Red! Blue sky. Yellow sun. So warm. Alive. Alive. Alive.

So. This is seventeen. This is having feelings and wants and I don't even know what I want. About friends and love and relationships. About my future. I don't even know. It's all a whilwind inside my brain. I need a boyfriend but I don't. I want a boyfriend, but I'm scared. I've never kissed anyone or been kissed. I don't know how. I have an image of me. A tom boy rough and tumble hair blowing in the wind image. Where does love and kisses and hugging a boy fit into that? I don't know what I want. From love. From life. For my future. I want to know. How can I know. I finally told these people I like them. But I don't know how they feel about me. Friends? Yes. Any thing more? I really don't know. I imagine. I wonder. I fret. I just don't know. Who am I? Am I that macho tom boy stronger than the rest hero in all the stories image that I have for myself? Or am I a little more vulerable than that? Can I love? Can I let my self go to that level and be scared but do it any way? Can I learn to do the things that seem to come so naturally to every one else around me? All around me are pairs of people. People who hug. People who kiss. People who call themselfs boyfriend and girlfriend. Every one but me. I just don't know what I want. What I need. What I have. Or what will come. I just don't know.

First I'm on top of the world.Next moment at the bottom of a the pit of dispare. Why? Why can they make me feel this way? I think I'm being helpful and friendly and all that and then someone says I never help and WHY wouldn't I take a week of from work? They diddn't take a week off. I don't think they realize that just because I'm not paid it's still a job! And why, after working so hard all day could they not realize I just wanted to spend a little time with my friend? I was so tired I felt bad & spending some time with him probably would have helped, He has so much energy I can't help but catch some of it. I hust feel like crying. They make me feel guilty about every thing. I really need my own house. A place I can keep my own schedule, A place where I can do what ever I want to. I just need someone to talk to. Why did Amy have to leave me? She could have remained my best friend but instead she treats me like an alien. I hurt inside and I can't do any thing about it, I need the sun but it is hiding in the clouds all the time. I need to sit in it's warmth and feel better but it's not here. Instead it's cold and windy and depresing, I'm pulled in to many directions. I want to do my own thing but they want me to spend time with them so I feel like I should & then we don't & I feel like I should have been able to plan somthing we could do. Yet I want to at first so I should be happy that I have the day to myself. She's only going to be here one more full day and I'm taking that day off from work but yet I don't want to. They make me feel like I must be a bad person sence I don't want to. But I can't help it if I'm addicted to it. It's so interesting & I learn so much. Why? Who desides? How do I get OUT?

Where does death go? The energy of life flowing away. Does it desperse never to be used again? Or does it have a life of it's own, a destiny? Is it destined for a new body? Does somthing die so it's life energy can go on for to birth a new life? Perhaps in light of this thought, that is why a mother somtimes dies in child birth, because one of their baby's need the mothers life energy. Maybe, In some way the energy can even go to help a tree to grow or to give life to a plant in the dessert that has no other means of survival. So where does death go? Or maybe more appropreately, where does LIFE go? I'd like to think that life has a plan to it. Not fate or destiny, just a plan, a set of guidelines to follow, but to be flexed and bent. I belive that all life is an energy, that when a body dies the energy is released, call it a soul perhaps, but that the energy blends with other free souls and seeks a new host in the form of an unborn baby or in the seed pod of a plant. Thus, we are all intermingled, animals, plants, humans and even the planet itself. So where does life go?

• a little bit later I added this.

A near death experiance. Does that temperarily release the energy so that someone who is trying to free a trapped being can use that energy? Or to be used by someone lost and starving to death, to allow them to find reserves of stregth they were unaware of.