Since Yesterday I Smile

Some say I was born 15 years ago. That's when I entered this world. this place we call life. I feel like I was born yesterday. Like i'm just learning to walk in this past few emotional years of my life. Like i've only known for a year. To turn heads. To smile. To sing. To laugh. to cry. I can just barely remember being 4. how everything was so big. how i was so big. how the screams rang so loud, and the smiles lasted so long. how she was my best friend. how we would never be apart. Now we are apart. it's been 4 years. i'm insignifacant now in the eyes of the beholder. Birthdays were so important. friends smothering in joy. happy to be young. the sandbox was like a friend and the creek was my sanity. the sun was so bright from the top of the monkey bars I could almost touch it. big boys with big dreams and big voices echoed through my head. these were my surroundings. the pebbles stuck in my feet sharp and numbing. i grew sharp and numb. i would walk for the joy of feeling and cry for the joy of knowing and laugh for the joy of joy. i was happy. indelible markers put marks on me wheni can barely remember and they can't be erased with a rag. i am scarred from whats behind and scared of whats to come. chlorine used to fill my hair mid winter and the frost would make me and icicle. i would drink orange soda at dinner and warm bread and scream about how i didn't want to brush my hair. i remember growing. obtaining information i thought was out of reach and feeling things i though i'd never feel. i was content. and then i was shooken. it was time to grow up. to move on. i am my transactions. i wonder why the worst of them have so much presence in my ever wanting mind. i wonder if i ever wanted. ever needed. i was surrounded by my sloping hills and small room 3 years ago. i had a best friend who used to sleep on my floor and wed see each other at least 2 nights a week. it's different now. we'd listen to counting crows and sing the night away. she still sings the night away.i screamed about the unfair insanity of my friendship gone away. i grew over it.but it left a bump. a scar. i wasn't sure what to be or where to go, but i remember how good the cold felt in my throat and how good the pain felt in my eyes and how comforting that building was.it all seems a blur but recently im entertaining the idea that maybe my eyes were closed. maybe i was closed. maybe all my barriers that you are slowly breaking down shut me down. maybe i wasn't born. but i remember relatives and baby and snow. and i remember the moon when it rose before night and i remember the smile i spread on my dimpled face.what state was i in? i was candy pink and blue and star covered. i'm still a piece of that bright eyed child joy i was. im still a piece of me now. now i am a mutilation of myself. or maybe i am just being born. Now I seen things in green and orange and blue and I smell things with a thousand potencys but most of all I feel things deep inside me. i write to try and sooth my sadness and to try and bring my emotions out. because sometimes i dont feel and i dont like being numb when you touch me. i like how you all can touch this place so deep inside of me. i love to feel. to feel the brisk morning air affect my soul and to cry to cleanse myself and to lay late at night and watch the moon and just imagine the thoughts inside of you. to hear your comments and suck them inside me and process them with all that i can. to try and pull myself out of my depression for all of you and mostly for me and to try and smile and mean it.I smile and mean it. I'm just being born, but I've been alive for 15 years. this is what it means to love you.

okay this is Rachel Compton i wrote that.. I didn't really care if people know who wrote it because I didn't want them to judge it any recently cause of who i am..but yeah.. thanks guys. comment away. bad or good. love,rach

i love you so much! your so beautiful. i want to get to know you more and more now that i have see you righting. real smiles love heather

naomi thinks...naomi feels...naomi cries...thank you rachel, love. very, very lovely.

That was a damn stunning piece of writing.... wow. Now.. who are you?? -wanderlust the urban pixie

Oh My. Oohgoodnessgracious. That is perhaps the most beautiful, eloquent, meaningful, emotional thing I have ever read. ~erin

purty girl. inspiring. nicenice good wordstuff. -Angel

brought tears to my eyes! my god, whoever wrote that please identify yourself! you deserve to be known! that was incredibleyou have a gift for putting emotions into words. incredible!!! keep the that spark of happiness and love!:) ~Nell

• Nell here again sh*t. Rachel, you are amazing...now i have to go cry even more because it's you who wrote that. your deep emotions make me cry because i feel almost the same way. i just had to write again because...i keep coming back to this page and reading what you wrote over because it's so true and beautiful.

Jasmine gently draws Rachel onto the floor with her. "Rachel, you are one of the most beautiful people. You've got a fire that I can't imagine anyone putting out. You have the perfect balance of maturity and childish joy and wonder that I wish other people could understand. You're mucho special. You deserve all the love that Jonah and Brent and Jake and Sarah and Nao and everybody else feels for you."

Oh dear. I was going to email you but oh well...This is beautiful and real, and all those things that I was trying not to mention because they can sound superficial, sometimes, no? But this is beautiful and real, but not superficially. Beautiful...because it's true and Real because.. wow, I felt what you meant, but also, I realized I can't feel everything you felt, and that was good too. I like allusions to complexity! You feel something but can't quite see it. I loved it, and would like to here more...(If more happen..)

Okay well I just wrote something that was gonna be a poem but turned out as thoughts.. I don't know.. So,yea..comment away eh. this is gonna be my writing having now maybe,haHA!. love,rach

She's a progression. i sometimes start thinking about how we all progress the same way. Thru our periods of loathing and laughing of self hate and sincerity. Sometimes i feel as though we are all one.as if the ocean swallows me in and i'm gently soothed down your throat into your stoumach where your heart lies. I wonder how you lie. How you can say these feelings they can be so true and then they backfire.

How does it feel to you?

I'm attracted tothe solemn outgoingness in your ambition. That sentence didn't really work. But it's okay because i'm freeflowing and feeling and trying to understand, where i am and where i want to be.

you should be in a state of happiness over the little miracles that confront you every day. You need to try to laugh with your own soft tears and cry when the day comes near.. and never once look back and say.. that was any less than beautiful. because if you really look at it, life is beautiful. it's amazing how we can have so many life taking back breaking heart staking expeiriences. how we have this thing called love and hope and faith and care.. and really, it's a belief. if you believe none of it's there, it isn't.

So go away. and come back. and i'll come back. when we swallow our sorrows and slowly slide down your throat.. into oblivion.

COMMENTS.now..