So R Ry

I'm creating this page because well. i want to apologize to summer for the other day, and how i was being a bitch to ryland and ben and i sort of subjected her to that. it was f*cked up of me. i mean, it wasnt really cool what i said, but i was also joking sort of... i dont know. i feel more sorry to summer, though she'd probably want me to apologize to ben and ryland. ha. but i'm stubborn. oh geeze. i dont know what to say. i am sorry if i hurt the feelings of either ben or ryland. i have a really hard time with it whenever ryland is online and i want to be online because.. being hurt by ryland makes ryland seem like the most annoying person on the earth. heh. and well everyone knows i have issues with ben. so them taking sides against me made me feel really super vulnerable, and i wasn't going to get online anyway due to ryland being on, except that summer was on, and i wanted to see her. So. yeah. i sort of talked to her on the phone and i wondered if she was still annoyed at me, and i wanted to take the time to say i'm sorry and i love you and i didn't intend to make you uncomfortable. i have a bad temper, especially when my feelings are in question. i sound terrible and unapologetic towards ben and ryland, and i am sorry for being a jerk, but you guys said really mean things and ryland's comment about "gushy people are so fun to watch" was a very arrow-aimed-for-the-heart inside, passive-aggressive comment. so that's why i'm having a hard time apologizing to you. *deep breath* yep i'm being radically honest. so you cant blame me for it, right? heh. ;)

i feel embarassed, and i'm really sorry. [1]

xoxo jennyrose

• I assume I'm not the one being mentioned here...

TheSparrow

• not exactly...this post is ancient, & has to do with stuff that happened way back when. kat, who's sister is jennyrose

I want to apologize to everyone who loves me, because I feel like I'm hurting you more than I'm hurting myself.

For years I have been doing the same things over and over, especially with friends. I've been critisizing myself in hope of getting praise, neglecting to reciprocate the kindness which others have offered me, not keeping to the agreements I've made. I could say I'm sorry for all that, but I won't. That, I've learned, only perpetuates the cycle. What I will say is that I'm making an active effort to change, and that is the absolute truth.

- Naela

I am sorry for delibrately bothering people. I will try to leave everyone alone from now on, because I just don't belong with others and I am disturbing and insecure.

That is something I was thinking about before.... that I don't believe you should apologize for your characteristics. You are unique, you are yourself, and no matter what you will make someone think and they will be grateful for that. I could think of a million apoligies to put on this page, saying sorry for stuff about myself, but I won't because I want to respect myself more than that. Please respect yourself. You are a unique person and I'm sure you are worth getting to know (or knowing, if I already know you)

~Eryn

I have a guess on who wrote that annonymous message... (am I right?). Why do you deliberately bother others, dear one? You are human, so yes, you belong with others. If you are who I think you are, then yes, you probably have a lot to learn about relating with others, but don't reject us all completely, please. Above all, just be honest. And... I think everyone is insecure.

- Christy

Well, I am not sure if you are right, because I don't know who you believe wrote the message...

When I try to communicate with others, it bothers them. I am too unnatural for them, for everyone. It hurts me be understood or misunderstood, accepted or rejected... How could I be a dear one to you?

I'm sorry for not answering emails, for writing anonymously, for gossip, for cliqueishness, for not talking to people I wanted to talk to, for misjudging, for preferential treatment, for wanting to argue, for creating conflict, for being nosy, for spreading rumors, for ignoring people, for obsessing over people, for talking too much, for being obnoxious, for taking over, for sitting back, for being afraid, for being too much, for anytime I've ever hurt anyone I loved, and for various other human and natural, and paradoxically, terrible and unforgivable things.

    (~summer)

Of all the things I'm sorry for, I think the thing I will voice my apoligies for is gossiping. "Thou shall not murder", says one of the ten commandments. I think it was Shippy who told me that gossip was akin to murder in the eyes of God, because it was the murder of a person's good name. There is a Jewish word "Lashan Hara", which means saying bad things about people same as gossip, or at least closely related. Maybe that's what I've been doing instead, I'm not sure exactly of the difference. Sometimes I say bad things about people, without thinking. Somehow, sometimes, I am angry at people, and I assume that I should express it in any way I want instead of keeping it in... But that isn't true; it is just another way of hiding. It is the cowardly way, a way to avoid confrontation with those I am angry at. I wrote in my notebook that I respected courage and hated cowardliness. Well, we always hate the negative qualities in other people, that which we see in ourselves. I need to learn how to be a better person, how to stop hiding when I'm angry, how to be more honest with others, to be a more moral person. I haven't followed the moral rules of any religion in a while, maybe I should make a list of my own. So without furthur ado, I apologize for the Lashan Hara; it all comes down to that. I'm sorry if my words hurt you, even if you don't know I said anything at all.

 I'm sorry. 

                               ~Eryn

'kay, another apology. This one goes out to Jennyrose, though I will probably tell her in person as well. I want to apologize for not understanding you, not understanding your side of situations and not appriecating the decisions you have had to make. Our personalities are very different and a lot of the time we clash... Thing is that our strongest personalities traits (assertiveness for Jenn, diplomacy for me) are also our weakest, and we tend to see the weak side more. Hmmm. So yeah, I'm sorry for not believing you when you needed to be believed, and not being supportive when you needed support, and running away when you needed me to be by your side.

                            ~Eryn

[1] jennyrose dear: i'm completely not mad or anything. it was kind of an uncomfortable, high-emotion situation, but I totally understand that considering the group... while I don't condone the actions of any of y'all, I do totally understand and I'm not mad at all. i love you dearly. mwah.