Stop Struggling

stop struggling part one

 by Roya Sorooshian

and here i am, fighting against this thick swamp i seem to have fallen into. fighting towards the top, i will not let myself drown, but i can't help the little voice in my head that says "once you drown you will have rest" i kick my legs as i try to stay above, my legs cramp, my shoulder pulls with that tendonitis i never got rid of. i am feeling desperate now, as the thickness covers my nose and my mouth, i don't remember to call for help. i am here in the present, only able to think about now <but it would be nice if someone would see me and swim me to shore> trying to shove down the panic that rises in my brain, trying to keep my eyes at least level, at least open. i don't remember how i got here, how i fell in, how i lost my balance. but that doesn't matter now. am i like a trapped animal in quicksand? slow my breath, quiet my heart. that is the first thing you learn; not to struggle.

stop struggling, part two

 by Roya Sorooshian

so i have stopped struggling, i am calming my pounding heart and concentrating on my destination. this is not a call for help. this is a declaration of selfishness and pride. <although i wouldn't mind help if i didn't have to ask for it> the swamp is thick and swallows me even faster when i narrow my body and my eyes, it's funny that after all my concern of how people see me, i am now in this thick brown mud and can't even see myself. i am thinking irrelevant thoughts, wondering if this is really the right life that is flashing before my eyes. will i hit the bottom soon? will any sign of my early struggle linger? will i walk on the bottom till i find the door that lets me out into a white room with disinfectant, where i can fall asleep like a newborn behind a window, not knowing that i should be self conscious? i am thinking of white clarity even while i fall through this suffocating medium. maybe i should have fought longer, harder, before it was this late. maybe i should have tried a little more, maybe i could have heaved myself out of this, maybe i would have stayed above and clean a little while longer before i misplaced a step and fell in again. that is the one thing i am sure of now. that i would have ended up in here sometime. maybe that isn't a bad thing. maybe there will be room to breathe, if i could just find a place to rest....