Su Ici De

This morning I got the worst news I think I may ever get. My cousin Chris, committed suicide. He was only 19 years old, and an incredibly nice guy. His grandpa (my great uncle) found him in the backyard. I am shocked, dazed, confused, angry, upset, distraught over this. I can't believe he did that. When we were younger, I remember going over to his house and playing with him, legos & playmobile stuff the most. I remember going to his birthday parties, and him coming to mine. I had the biggest crush on him when I was little. I remember going to my grandpa's wedding when I was 11, and spending pretty much the entire time talking to him, and just before we left I asked him to dance, he got all red in the face and said something like "are you nuts!". I remember him being so cute, and friendly, and shy. He had a little sister, who's 8. What are they going to tell her? How do you tell someone that her big brother is never coming home, and when she asks why, what are they going to say?

God.

Why did he do this? What was soo horrible in his life that he thought the only way out was death?

I don't know exactly what happened, or if he even left a note. His mom was away, and had to drive 5+ hours to get back when she heard.

I keep expecting the phone to ring, and the person on the other end telling me that he's fine, and it was a mistake, or that they were able to bring him back. But I know that won't happen, I know this is real. So real that it hurts like hell to even think about it, so real that for the past 5 hours I've been baking with tears going down my face, it's TOO real. I

I can't type anymore right now. I just want to say one more thing though, if any of you EVER consider suicide, if a thought crosses your mind that the only way out is death, PLEASE oh dear god PLEASE remember that there is always an alternative. Talk to someone, tell someone, if you don't have someone you trust enough call one of those hotline 800 numbers, or e-mail me (jadzia at nbtsc.org) I will ALWAYS be willing to listen. Because suicide is never the answer, and oh god I wish someone would have told Chris that, I wish SOOO badly that he would have told someone his thoughts, that he would have called me, instead of doing what he did. ~Jadzia

• I just found out more details... tears running down my face

It turns out his mom, stepdad, sister, grandparents were all at the house with him, eating dinner. After dinner, he said he was going for a walk, well he never came back. So his grandpa (my great uncle) went looking for him, he found him... chris had hung himself. shudders so his grandpa runs back to the house, everyone comes running and they all see him, even his little sister. He didn't leave a note, my mom talked to his aunt, and she said they knew something was wrong, but didn't know what it was, and that they never expected this to happen. I'm really feeling out if it, it's just really hard to deal with something of this magnitude. ~Jadzia

Jaz, I'm so sorry! If you need to talk, I'm right here. *big hugs* fiona at nbtsc.org

I was sitting at the couch when the phone rang. I picked it up and the voice on the other end which is usually all joking and teasing was solemn and serious. somethings wrong i can feel it I handed the phone to my mom, she walked out of the room. There was silence, and then I heard the sobbing..I quickly went to the kitchen and my mom was standing up crying. "Mom what is it, what happened?" she just looks at me sobbing..."You know Chris, your cousin, cheryls son..he.he committed suicide" I just stand there, not believing. This couldn't have happened in my family, haven't we all been through enough already? Why..why, thats all I could think, i didn't really even know him, but it still hurt, I was/am so confused for lack of understanding on why he..him of all people, would think that there was nothing else he could do to "escape" but kill himself. His poor mother, he was the light in her eyes, her first born, he was her life she would have done anything for him..And his sister, she is only 8years old and has the mentalunderstanding of a 5-6year old..How is she going to feel when she is older and fully understands what he did? I just sat for awhile, still not believing. Then my eyes filled with tears and i sat crying for so long....I thought that they would never stop. My mom was so distraught..I talked to one of my best (new) friends last night online after I found out, and it made me really see that people care about me, no matter who or where they are, people are always there no matter what, killing yourself is not the only or right answer to whatever problem(s) your having, talk to someone anyone, pick a random # in the phone book (as my sister said) and talk to a stranger..It helps so much..I never got a chance to really know him. *sighs* He was only 19. He had his whole life before him, and he couldn't deal with...something..I wonder if we'll ever know why..why he did it, what the real reason was. Guys like jasmine says above, if you EVER feel that you don't want to live anymore and you are thinking about killing yourself, even if you haven't thought about killing yourself, and you are just depressed or need to talk and have a lot of emotions, talk to someone, anyone, me even...Just don't think that killing yourself is the last resort..It's not. E-mail me if you need to talk or rant or just want to have someone listen, because I will.. snow at nbtsc.org

Killing yourself is never the answer, Chris why did you do it?-Snow

Jaz, Snow, I am so sorry. I can hardly even imagine how painful it must be for you right now. You are in my thoughts.