The Story Of Zack Jake And A Safeway

The day before the second session of Not Back To School Camp 98, Zack, Jake, Forrest, Selena, Jennyrose, Kate, and the Ernst Mum, were in Portland to see a Tori Amos concert. At around 5pm me and Jake realized neither of us had eaten much of anything all day, so we left the hotel room in search of food. We passed up our grand opportunity to eat at Taco Bell amongst many other possible "restaurants", and instead went to Safeway.

Grocery Stores are always good for those of us who prefer to have some idea what we're eating.

So we went in. I was really in the mood for focaccia, but they didn't have any, which left me at a quandary for what to eat. But eventually we both found food and headed for the check out.

I had ended up borrowing $20 from Jake a few days earlier when I'd bought 14 CD's all at once, so we decided that I'd pay for his food with a $20 travelers check, and he'd keep the change, ta-da! Make's sense right? Right. In Theory. (wouldn't you like to live in theory? Everything works there.)

So we got to the check out, and I signed the travelers check, and wrote the date on it, and wrote it out to Safeway. And the cashier took it, and scribbled a bunch of stuff on it, and stuck it through a little machine...

and it didn't work...

so, of course, she stuck it through again. And it still didn't work, so, having learned much in school, she (drum roll please,) stick it through again!!!!

She tried this over and over for about five minutes, also trying rubbing it against the counter a few times, and attaching another piece of paper to the back, and it still didn't work. So she picked up the intercom and asked so-and-so to come to the check-out.

Then she tried it a couple more times... and it made a new noise!!!

She got on the intercom again and told the person she'd called before never mind, that she had it handled, and then she did it again.

...and a few more times

...and apparently it still wasn't working because then she called the guy again and asked him to come to the check-out. (and of course her tone of voice gave no clue to the fact that she had ever told him NOT to come: she sounded rather annoyed that she had called him several minutes before and he hadn't showed up yet.)

This time he showed up immediately. And he, being far superior to her, tried something new:

• He put the check through the machine.

But for some bazaar reason, it didn't work. Shocking. So he came up with a revolutionary knew idea:

• He rubbed it on the counter with BOTH hands, rather than only one.

and...

(drum role please...)

it!!!...

still didn't work.

But he didn't turn back! He got even more ingenious!!!! He attached a piece of paper to the back of the check, and put it through the machine!!

and it... didn't work.

Apparently this man's amazing Putting-A-Check-Through-A-Little-Gadget skills weren't enough for this monumentus event: he called His superior!!!

This one was quick, he only tried just running the check through without doing anything about five times. He realized that just rubbing it against the counter wasn't going to work after trying it only a couple times! So he came up with something new, something brilliant!!! He folded the edge of the check right past where the long number code (which was the apparent problem spot,) was, and then he rubbed it against the counter like that, and stuck it through the machine...

and...

and...!!

It didn't work.

But this superior of superiors knew not the words "give up." he attached a piece of paper to the back of the check and ran it through the machine a few more times, but by some horrible fluke of nature, it still didn't work. But this amazing man, this extraordinary man, this epitome of innovation, he did not give up. He tried something new. Something no one had ever done before!! It was a monumentus new innovation in Machine-Glitch-Fixing!!

He opened up the Check-Reader-Machine's case and...

He Futzed With It!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He wiggled wires, tweaked connectors, and even blew away dust!! He was a genius.

Then he took the check. My check. My American Express Travelers Check...

And he put it through the machine, and to the great awe and amazement of everyone....

!!!!!!

!!!!!

. . . . It still couldn't read the check.

• "I'm sorry, I've never seen this happen with a travelers check, but I we cannot except this check. You'll have to take the problem up with American Express. You can leave the food or pay with cash."

• The End.

We learned something about Safeway employees that day.

Safeway only hires folks who've learned the most deep of the lessons taught in school. The lesson that is taught not by merely telling the kids, but it is taught by example, for this is the very moral fabric that today's schools live by:

If something doesn't work, try it again. Try it more and more and more. And if it still doesn't work, then by golly, it's impossible.

• Epilogue:
• The good part about that was that we had enough cash.
• The bad part was that we hadn't bothered to shop-lift anything.
• The other good part was that the cashier had under priced one item of Jake's and missed another.
• The other bad part was that we had to run back to the hotel to be there before we were supposed to leave for the Tori Concert.
• The kinda good, kinda bad part was that Jennyroses mom was about 20 minutes late in picking us up anyway.
• The third good part was that we got to the concert on time anyway.
• The third bad part was that my throat already hurt from cursing out Safeway, so it was hard to sing along.
• But all said and done the only important thing was that Tori is so fucking Amazing I didn't need to sing along, I just sat in awe for a few hours.