The Writings Of Naela

I am not really a poet, but I am very persistant. Comments encouraged. Thank you.

 by design

 thoughts of you did not take me over,
 not this time.  but you know, they had
 their own place in my mind.  one corner
 was always watching you, and calculating
 the distance between us two, making sure
 it was just right.  it's the little things I barely
 noticed, but still I did - like how you
 looked my way and suddenly my laugh went
 a little off-key.  just a little bit; no one
 noticed but me.  I thought you seemed a little
 baffled too.  we never said hello; we almost said
 goodbye, but didn't.  funny how it works that way -
 almost by design.

 out of focus

 I was talking with you, empty thoughts
 worth less than a penny.  we were watching
 the world go by, through the tint of our
 eyes.  I always thought it went by when you
 weren't looking.  you were caught between
 dreaming and waking, not mistaking me
 for the object of your desire.  we
 traded words but didn't keep them, then forgot
 to say goodbye.  and I am out of focus still.

 the river

 I cannot stand
 the smell
 of alcohol.
 it is for me the smell
 of fear
 of danger
 if I were a dog and it
 was my master.

 it would taste
 (if I could stand to taste it)
 like the tears
 of years
 spent out of my
 control.
 it would taste of control,
 of bondage,
 of the death I could have gone to
 bitter and numb.

 don't tell me it tastes good,
 it's fun,
 you can handle it,
 it doesn't hurt anyone,
 you only drink it
 once in awhile.
 even if it is the truth,
 it was once a lie.

 how I wish I could have
 my childhood back
 but the child
 that was me
 is dead, locked forever
 in a white room
 with her mother
 who held her head under
 in a river of wine.

 religion is crazy

 I wanna be a Buddhist
 shave my head
 lose my mind
 I wanna get hit thirty times
 with a stick
 whether I answer yes or no

 I wanna be a Catholic
 get ash on my forehead
 and holes in my knees
 I wanna give up meat
 on a Friday
 I wanna poke a badger with a spoon

 I wanna be a Jewess
 cover my head
 and cherish my history
 I wanna give up electricity
 on a Saturday
 and think about God

 I wanna be an agnostic.
 stand on my head
 make up my own rules
 I wanna embrace it all
 taste it all
 and throw it all away
 it's such fun because
 religion is crazy.

 together

 the strangers surely thought we were
 together.  holding each other in the crowded
 station, not caring who knew.  the words
 came haltingly to my mouth like salt, they lasted
 the whole way home.  should I blame myself
 that that goodbye could be the last one?
 should I blame physics or you?  or her?  or circumstance?
 it was only a couple of months in between.
 oh, the possibilities, or maybe not.  my tears
 come unbidden to my mouth like salt, I taste them
 again and again.  but all I really want is a friend,
 to cry at hello not goodbye, together.

 understanding

 deliriously happy, confusing arms for legs and
 the boundaries of one fading now into another
 laughing, making every single innuendo.  and I
 am on the borders, testing the waters, which are sure as
 hell not safe.  I am hearing the in-jokes they don't even
 mean to make.  I am watching them turn into something out
 of control, feeding each other, needing no other,
 making things less and less black and white.  loyalty gets you
 here, to this place, staring at her face and wishing you could
 understand it.
 

And here is a short story that makes no sense on its own. *grins* Maybe I will write some others, and then it will make sense.

BloodAndArrows