Truthful Thoughts

This page has been created to discuss deep, truthful and disturbing thoughts that we feel we need to get into writing somehow to justify them.

It amazes me that people write. I created this. I expect it to fail.

Or to watch.

I once thought that double-love, being so surrounded, was a once in a lifetime, something to treasure as incredibly unreal. It's happening again, and I don't know what to do for it. How to quench the thirsts of two that I care for and cannot hurt. But how? I am only one girl.

We are all human.

How silly of me to think of you as a god.

Oh, what have I done? By raising you, put myself above everyone and everything, and negated any chance of knowing you...

But we are all human. All of us. I'm so glad I know now, what I didn't know before.

And sometimes it takes tears to bridge a gap, and sometimes only words.

And I'm gonna laugh a hell of a lot more now.

I am surprised to see someone showing an interest in my thoughts. Yet, I can understand the curiosity, as no one has ever known me, including myself. I am unfathomable, and I prefer it this way. It would be far too powerful, far too easy to control me if someone were to know.

Which is why I have such difficulty getting close to people.

Difficult.

An understatement.

It is impossible.

I am by now frightened of pleasure and happiness. It upsets my already insecure balance.

My selfishness has caged me, and I cannot bring myself to be otherwise, to escape.

So, for your own sake, do not try to free me. You would be wasting your effort on an impossible and disappointing project.

• No one is trying to free you. But you can't stay in there forever.
• Hmmm. My intention is not to know you but to read more of what you have to say. How can I want to know someone that I don't know of? You know how you can absentmindedley pick up a book and just ~like~ what you read so you keep on reading? The author is irrelevant, somehow. It's just the words that matter. Selfish, huh? Anyways, if you ever feel like posting anything else, I'll keep checking. Oh, wait: If you feel like you are in a cage, you are the only one that can set yourself free. No one else can ever find out how. Carrie

• Then perhaps you are going the wrong way. If escape is beyond you then perhaps escape is wrong for you. Perhaps you should enter and

explore this new sensation. Don't escape it Embrace it!

 If being self-ish means you eat your fair share of food, use the last bit
of toothpaste to brush your teeth or whatever then You are doing nothing
wrong.... 

Please answer me this question... If anyone treated you like the way you treat yourself would it be wrong... then if so then why are you immune?

From those who cut themselves remember that you can go to jail for doing it to someone else... so why do you get away with it. I used to hurt myself for the very reason to remind me that no one would care enough about me to stop me. (Am I property or am I human?) If I had good friends or a loving family then it would be impossible for me to get away with it for long.... Cutting onself reminds you that the only person left on this planet who cares about you is you...(Cutting oneself all so reminds you that your not being a good friend to yourself... but in a sence you realy are because you forgive yourself for hurting yourself ... that would explain the sence of joy some people get from self Mutalation... knowing that your body will always forgive you ... and will always be their for you no matter what you do to it.... unconditional love and faith from the cells in your body.) You should not take it as everyone hates you you should take it as No matter how bad things are you can always depend on you.. (after all you are with yourself 24 hours a day so You would be the ideal person to care for youself .... right?) If you want my personal advice try this quote I made up.

Don't worry too much about what your doing wrong (being selfish) thats what everyone else is for ... don't make their job any easier... in fact make it harder ... as hard as you possibly can ... shove it in thier face by being your own best friend... you don't need them as much as you need you.

You are the king of your own body... You have the power of life and death over the cells in your body ... All you need is a razor blade and 5 minutes in a bathroom and you can understand what I mean. Your body serves you... You can protect it and nuture it like a loving king or you can be a brutal tyrrant to the cells in oyur body. (Any one interseted in politics can attempt to make the jump to why War crimes happen, how holocausts occur. If you don't care about your body then why would you care about your citizens? Think of your body as your Citizens and you as guardian protector (or whatever you like) and your body will be at peace then your mind and finaly your soul.)

a best friend is someone who fights at your side and never betrays you. You are you own best ally against the onslaught of hate. Your strength will balence it out ... and ironicly if you are your own best friend the more people hate you the more you will need to depend on yourself and love yourself.. you will become love itself. Then you push back ... when you are at full strength with your love against those who hate you ... push back and invade their borders.... with your new found strength ... (your love for yourself and others) and Claim victory ... penterate the source of their hate and defete it.

From your letter I can see the potential in you... I can see the strength Don't see this as a bad thing... you are the source of strength "FOR OTHERS AS WELL AS YOURSELF" THE REASON YOU DON'T FEEL love is because It's your special area. This is your job. Kinda like a dishwasher who gets mad becuase their are no clean dishes. The dishwasher is always the first to see. (as you are the first to see a lack of love from somewhere in you.) You have the potential for greatness. Don't worry about making mistakes.. for every step brings you closer to your goal ... even a dilberate misstep can bring you closer to your goal. You have the potential to heal so many people Don't let this challenge defete you ... let it empower you... You have it easy in a way ... you know whats wrong and a small sence of how to make it right.... most people just muddle trough life never finding their purpose in life. Don't stop your Journey ... Belive in yourself... All of you ... everyone who reads this ... It is not over .... its just started ...It is just a new beinging The training wheels are gone... but don't worry now they can't hinder you... You can ride on a new bike ... a better faster one... without training wheels... sure you will get hurt... but Like a bike in the end you will ride ... free ... faster than you ever could with training wheels...

Don't lose hope ... you don't need to know what you are dong wrong you just need to know what you are doing right and that you are loyal to yourself.... you are winning ... you are ahead of the game ... don't look back ... you are in fact winning and with your new best friend at your side you can not lose for their is nothing more powerful than an indivdual who truely loves themself.

 Shit and blood
 Shit and blood
 
 The whole world comes down to
 
 Shit and blood
 
 Ask a soldier
 In the wars
 Wars are the world’s
 
 Arguments with itself
 And they all come down to
 Shit and blood
 
 
 Ask a mother
 With her child
 She knows
 The world comes down to
 Shit and blood
 Birth is the world
 
 Winking at itself
 The world has no one to talk to
 So it talks to itself
 
 On the long lonely nights
 I asked a boy,
 What makes a girl kill herself?
 And he said
 Lack of love
 
 But I said
 No
 Lack of company
 
 The world has only itself
 Always has
 Always will

 The world is slowly murdering itself
 In one great abhorration of shit and blood.
 

• Edited March 27/2001 by Joyful_Spirit

   O.k. Let me at this one. I think This has something to do with inner
peace and Communication skills. Some people turn inward and regress when
they feel like they can no longer cope with the enviornment. People need
Food,Clothing and shelter to surive but sometimes people who have these
things still harm themselves ... so there is something more than the
tangable that is missing in a person who hurts themselves. Maslovs Higharchy
of needs shows that peolpe need Shelter,security,Companionship,Self-Esteem,
and self Aculatization to Survive.   
   hmm ... sometimes when People are I'll they do the exact opposite of what
they need. Someone who is lonely will cast away their friends. Someone who
is Afraid will Boldly Overreact and Do the very activiy that they are afraid
of. Someone who is allergic to a certain food will over eat it and value the
food. 
   People even misunderstand their bodys natural rhythms .. a person who is
Depressed and Feels tired and bored , might in fact have too much energy
while A manic person might despratly need sleep. (This is why mental
I'llness is so hard to be self-diagnosed.)
   A good way of handling a situation is to ask you self these questions
"What do I want to happen?". "Am I realy upset or just not-sure"? "Is this
how I want to feel"? "Do I need to do anything?" If I do does it have to be
Right away or can I rest on it?" Has anyone Been througth this before and
how did they handle it?"
   A good phase that I was told is that "If you ever doubt your santy then
your lucky ... for if your sane enough to do that then your problems are
half solved ... for if you belived that everything in the world was happy
and fine then you would really be nuts for there will be no reason for you
to grow and change anything."   
  The phrase be your own best friend is interesting. It basicly means love
yourself. Some people who are depressed Balk at being told to take
responsiblity for themself ... for they see that as a useless and
overwheming chore. Depressed people don't realize that looking after one's
self gets easlier as one's health improves ... Its like working out in a gym
... at first it is realy hard but after a while you will be throwing the
medicine ball around wondering why you hadn't done this sooner. When you
Stand up for yourself and take care of your health ... what you are is
nurtured and becomes stronger and it becomes considerbly easiler to do what
you need to do to look after yourself and you get into a postive spirial.
Even homework becomes fun and easy to do when you are in good health and
happy. All it takes is for the person to be willing to absorb the tremendous
amount of grief and difficulty to take the first few steps to let go and
grow... Have faith ... those steps pay off ... and you will thank-yourself
for them ... I have. 

It took losing something very precious to realize that I needed help and /It's o I am deviant I am deviant I am deviant /I am d

In my eyes And the noises are distractions

That only make me feel ill

Incurable disease

That I am not fighting any longer

A new world

That is what I need

A new reality

If I am to stand

I crumple with my screams

And the noises get louder

And I will never be free

Of the tormet

Of my life

The only way

Is to leave

Argh, damn!

I spit up blood all over the kitchen floor, and am now debating whether to wipe it off as I type. Is it really worth a moment of effort? Does it matter? I live alone, and I don't mind seeing it there very much. But a part of my mind is concerned that someone will manage to notice it. Perhaps some higher power, who is disgusted with my performace...

I gave my sister Kate a present this morning. It felt very strange to make someone happy.

I think someone is watching me. Even when I am locked up indoors and all of the windows are covered and everything is dark, they are still watching. I wonder who it is... and why... It is making me feel every anxious. How do I know whatever it is that is watching likes what it sees? What if it is plotting, is planning to show it's face to me? Or what if there is no one watching and I am just going mad?

Life is madness...

Maybe it is the moon...

/Heh. It's a sign you've been hangin around the theatre geeks much too long when the first word that comes to mind when you're angry is fuck. Which is all which comes to mind right now, which really sucks because it's not very articulate. Anyway. How do you tell a friend that it's hurting you when it doesn't want to be told? It totally hurts to be put off and have to beg for time. Damn! It's just like that other time (what other time?) I don't know, when, I had no friends and felt like all I had to do was aquire them, as quickly as possible. So fuck you. Arrrrr. There I go again. Excuse me. How illbred I feel! All I need right now is some chocolate, and I can;t even cry because my father's in the room and I won;t cry before him, which is ridiculous. The one guy I could cry with doesn't know I'm alife and I don't have the guts to tell him. Two. Two guys. Three. was it three? I lost count. Anyway, the guys that I feel good around aren't around. I am so full of hate, it's disgusting! And how odd that I'm so good at figuring out what's wrong with me, but not really getting the whole picture, or fixing any of it. Like I'm supposed to fix myself. Hmmm. And what is this weird thing I do in groups, not talking to people? I feel terrible now, and always: if I was utterly beautifull, I wouldn't have to be talkative, people would just naturally flock to me. If I was just more talkative, I wouldn't have to be beautifull and people would just naturally flock to me. So, I am neither beautifull nor talkative, nor interesting, nor peacefull. What a predicament. Funny how those lil' voices i nyour head can talk you all the way out of any sort of good feeling about yourself, huh? Why can't I just call him? What's up with that? And why can't people just be nice to me? Why is saying hi in the hall such a boost? Why should it be? Has school turned me into this completely grovelling being, or what? I need chocolate like a kleptomaniac needs people to steal from. I hate so much stuff right now! Why are you reading this highly personal account anyway? Get out of here. ~Ainlear/

You can't stay there forver. I gotta remember this. Because you can't stay anywhere, in this world, forever. So. It's either going to end...or that's the only choice actually. How nice. I won't be here forever.

Are thoughts truthful?

• As for me, I know some of my thoughts aren't truthful. I know why too, it's because if I don't want to accept or realize or think something, I'll tell myself something else, even when I know it isn't true. Being 100% truthful to anyone (even yourself) is extremely difficult. I think part of the problem is, that I worry too much about what other people will think/say/do... I wish I didn't worry or even think about those things, but I do. I would love to be able to be talking in a conversation (with anyone face to face) and say exactly what I was thinking (well, to a point anyway). I feel like there are only a few people I feel comfortable talking really, really truthful to, like telling them things that I wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else. I have thoughts in my head right now, that I want to type... but can't, because there are people I see on a regular basis reading off this site (wiki wiki) and well... maybe I'm not ready to let them in on truthful thoughts of mine, yet. Damn, why can't I just let go, be me? Why does it matter who reads this, and what they think? I worry to much about people judging me, accepting me, you know? That's something I'm working on, being completely me without reservations.

this may be something you will never get, but it's worth a shot. suicide, depression, loneliness & personal hells are not for using against other people. you can't say that you were feeling like killing yourself just to have "power" over somebody else. well, maybe you can, but if you do that, you are more messed up than i even thought you were. more messed up than i would allow myself to get. sure it's scary & messed up to genuinly want to kill yourself, but to say that you want to kill yourself just so that you can guilttrip somebody, that is beyond all of the things you look down your nose at everybody else for doing. (you know who you are.) truthfully, kat

You Have Control Over Yourself

The trouble is not Lack of freedom, but Lack of direction.

You make yourself. Other people get to know the self you made. But it's all up to you. Popularity, worthiness, friendliness, courage all are dictated by what you believe of yourself and your world. If you act scared and vulnerable and ugly, eventually these will come to pass. There are no exceptions. There are no castes unless you decide there are, and they only apply to the people who allow themselves to be entwined in your fantasy. Your world is a wondrous place and you decide how safe it is. You have nothing to fear. It is very very safe. You can be hurt but you cannot be scarred unless you allow it. This justifies nothing that has ever been done to you but leaves your direction in your hands. There are two basic directions. Up and Down. And many variants of these. Do what you will.