Who Is Julia O

What's the difference between knowing and being secure in who you are and boxing yourself in? Is there one?

I'm not sure what people think of me, although I'm as curious about it as the next person. I have several stereotypes that I actively seek out, and a few that I think some people have about me...

Quiet in large crowds/distant, independent, environmentally & socially conscious, argumentative, irreverant (especially towards authority), hard working/ type-A personality/responsible, intelligent, talented, "perfect," thegirlwholikestotalkaboutsex, just a little bit geeky, somewhat self-involved.

Well, they're mostly true. I am quiet in large crowds, and I almost never like being in groups of people. By and large, I'd just as soon be left alone with Ryan, and visited ocassionally by one or two friends who want to do something more interesting than watch a movie. I do hang out with my roommates and go to parties sometimes when I'd rather not, just to be friendly.

I try very actively to be environmentally and socially conscious. Everything from growing little plants, to going out and picking up litter along the highway sometimes, to shopping at http://www.greenmarketplace.com and spending money I don't have on organic groceries. I have a strong sense of what Good Things are to me, and I do spend a lot of time thinking about how I live and living "properly." (see Type-A personality!) What I eat, how I prepare it, my toothbrush, my clothes, my artwork, my dreams, my transportation, the things I choose to spend my time on, the way I relate to people. That doesn't mean I always follow these ideas of mineI take really long showers. I'm not a vegetarian. Sometimes we buy orange juice at the Shell Gas Station across the street. One of my rats died when I tried to sneak him onto Greyhound. And I've done even worse things! So yeah, I have high standards, but I make mistakes too, and I don't think I'm really as judgemental about how other people live as I may seem or sound.

I am argumentative. I have been since grade school, if not earlier. When I get to talking with other argumentative people about anything interesting or related to ethics, some kind of debate or argument is bound to ensue. Some of these are eloquent and educational (see the nbtsc-l logs). Some of these are just plain mean. Either way, although almost no one gets to see it, they usually leave me feeling drained at best, and more often hurt, sad, angry, and insecure. I don't usually consider myself an insecure person, but I do focus a lot of attention on ethical considerations (see prev paragraph) and to a lesser extend, on my reputation as a smart person. I like to debate, yeah, but having stuff like that threatened is always a little stressful.

Irreverent. What can I say. 7 years of unschooling did it to me. I'm doing really well in college, but I honestly could be doing a lot more work, and I could certainly be more respectful to my professors (not that I say mean things to them, but if I don't respect them, I do have trouble showing up to class on time, paying attention, turning in homework, trying very hard)... I have the same problem with jobs. I often address adults by their first names, even when it might be inappropriate. If I weren't quiet, bright, and usually cheerful and personable, people (adults) would probably say I have an attitude problem.

I don't think I work that hard, but I am very task-focused, sometimes very driven. High (although sloppy; see last paragraph) performance standards. Sometimes I put myself under a lot of unnecessary stress. Sometimes it's because I think I should be doing everything perfectly. Sometimes it's because I've slacked off and not done anything. I spend days lying around doing nothing just like everyone else. I never finish the stuff on my to-do lists. On the other hand, one look at the last year or so of my "high-school" record-keeping, and you'd understand my obsessive side!

Intelligent? Well, yeah, I try. I like to think I'm well-read.

Talented? Well, in visual arts, to some extent in mathematics and technology, in behavioral research design, in writing, and with foreign languages, I do have certain gifts. On the other hand, I'm sort of anti-talented in music, physical coordination or activity, large-group social skills, and matters of the spirit.

Perfect: my best friend used to say this about me all the time. I hated it. I've gotten it from a couple other people too. I'm not perfect. No one's perfect. I've been exceptionally fortunate in lifehappy family, lovely home, good health, I'm pretty by society's standards, I didn't go to school for 7 years, I'm madly in love with a wonderful person and spend about 49 weeks of the year with him, I grew up in the countryside, now I live with florida, I'm bright, people like me. I'm lucky. Very, very lucky. I don't deserve it any more than anyone else does, but of course it gives me some advantages. I'm not perfect.

Like? I love talking about sex. I love sex. I love reading about sex. I love writing about sex. I seriously want to run my own little sex toys shop some day and/or work in the more radical edge of teen & adult sex education (like http://www.scarleteen.com ). Sometimes when my friends are having a conversation in the other room, one of them will say "sex" at some point, a little bit more loudly, 'cause they know it will get me to come out and talk to them. So yeah. Sex is awesome.

Geeky? Me? I'm always flattered by this one. I think it's actually more like I've always been really attracted to geeks, romantically to some extent and in general. Specifically, computer geeks and math geeks. I spent several years tagging around after them, and I think some of it might have rubbed off. I love computers and I like the history of computers and the people who work with them. I'm pretty comfortable with them, and I like hackerish wordplay and attitude, the aesthetics of technology, especially very old technology and very new technology. I like the lack of respect for boundries easily broken, and I read cyberpunk. Sometimes I get a strange urge to wear mirrorshades and clunky black boots. On the rare occasions that I program, I try to do it cleanly. I can fix most problems with my computer. I love research, and I have a natural talent for it. On the otherhand, I have some anti-technology tendencies. I haven't ever used a serious programming language. I don't know linux at all, although I've installed it once. I make no effort to keep up to date on new technology. I spend just about zilch on computer related things. I'm using a Macintosh, for crying out loud! So, well, I don't know... But Platty almost has me convinced that I have a geeky spirit.

Of course I'm self involved. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have written this. I love myself. I'm awesome. I want everyone to know it, too.

Aloha, a e malama pono,

     Julia E(lipse Orth