Who Is Mari

I feel sort of silly starting this page. I don't even think I really have a stereotype, at least not a very noticeable one, or at least not with camp people. Most of what y'all know about me is what you tend to see online; at camp I feel I was some sort of a cop-out in regards to showing myself for who I am. I tended to avoid people that intimidated me past my comfort level and somehow left wondering why I still felt lonely. Hmph. (I'm still unsure about camp for this year, by the way, although I'd love to try it again.)

I guess I'm starting this page to tell a little bit about myself on more of a general level for those of you out there who are curious, and would rather know more little facts about me strung together instead of finding them here and there online. But then again, what I know about myself tends to be things I find here and there in my life. I've never really obsessively tried to sketch out myself for anyone this is probably the closest I've come.

My sister tells me that I sell myself too short. I tend to think of myself as generally inferior to other people on whatever level I see them excelling at. Intimidation, that's what it's called! Heh. Maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism. I think I started out in life as fearless, but unfortunately circumstances beyond my control (I think) pounded much of that bravery right outta me. I still have plenty of it, I think. I think I've just been conditioned to not really use it. That's something that I am working on, little by little.

I see a few things that make life difficult for me. One, I don't care much at all for being the best, smartest, fastest, etc. I only do things because I enjoy them or because I feel obligated by someone close to me to do them. I don't worry about keeping up a 'reputation'. Another thing, I can't stand not being honest. It eats away at me. Eventually I spill out the truth, and oftentimes too soon or too late. And, lastly, I hate to hurt others, physically and emotionally. When I hurt people that I am close to or care about, I obsess over it and have a hard time forgiving myself, even after I've been forgiven by that person.

I tend to see connections everywhere. I like that part about myself, even though it can often lead me to a lot of confusion. It makes it difficult for me to understand why others seperate the good from the bad maybe that's why this isn't a CriticalOfMari page. I tend to see my bad traits as useful, and my mistakes as useful, so maybe that's why I take so long to change the bad into good.

Oh. And I have a love/hate relationship with change.

More later. (Really.) (2/2/01)