Who Is Robyn

10/13/01 Well, the poor little Robyn below is hopelessly out of date. Not that this new entry will be ny better, really, but well, ego takes over... 'lookie, my very own page!'.... For a long time I defined myself by who I was not. Then I tried defining myself my what I am instead. I think now I've decided that I define myself my not defining myself. I really try not to use any one measure of what's cool to do and not - I like to just do whatever suits me. So I'm a girlie girl, with a shaved head, who digs women, who collages her keyboard but won't sing in public but but sings loud in her kitchen, promises her girlfriend that if she does all the cooking she'll do all the dishes because she hates cooking but then spends the evening making a cake... you get the idea. Yeah. And now I feel all egotistical for writing on her. Even though I love to write. Heh heh.

Ah, yes, Robyn.

Well, Robyn is a happy, bouncy, kind, sweet, chipper girl who defines herself by her own standards. She is kind to people but she tells you what she really thinks. She is silly and childlike, but very wise underneath that, and switches instantly from one to another. She plays games and has fun like a child. She loves horses and hacking them into pieces.

I think that's about it.

Well, some of that is true. I am a pretty happy person most of the time. I do try to define myself on my own terms. I do try to be kind but honest, too. I act like a kid a lot of the time, but I do think deep thoughts and I'd like to think I'm wise. I play. I love horses.

Yeah, but what you don't know is that I'm happy but not all the time. I sound happy most of the time but if you were to look for a minute underneath my voice you'd know that I'm mad, or upset, or sad, or anxious or jealous or a multitude of other things that my happy voice, which is that way by nature, covers up.

Yes, I define myself by my own standards. My standards of what is moral and good and right with the world. These standards are generally high, but that doesn't mean I don't wish they weren't. I may define myself by my own standards but I deeply care about what ya'll think. I try to please you all.

Yes, I am a child, and yes, I am wise, but this isn't a duality. I am wise when I am a child. Adults cover up their own wisdom, I think.

Yes, I love to play but that doesn't mean I don't cry, too.

Yes, I am kind. That doesn't mean I don't want to scream and punch people sometimes.

I get angry at people sometimes and I can't get un-angry. It may take a lot to make me this mad but when I am you've lost my friendship for a good long time.

Yes, I have my ugly side. I hide it because I love you guys. I don't want you to box me but I want you to love me.