Attempt At Self Therapy

So... (continued from my self-indulgent pointless begining on SluttyNess)...

I have a faint suspicion that I've been going to bed with people for the wrong reasons. Lessee... I only feel comfortable sexually with people I'm not romantically involved with. And vice versa. Weird, huh? Whenever I'm nervous and crushie-chrushie on someone, I can't enjoy making out in the least. Even when wrapped up in a little bubble of happiness with someone, I will firmly remove from the premises any hand that wanders too far. It just doesn't feel right to do that with this sweet person I'm all happy and googly-eyed with.

On the other hand, if I happen to be making out with someone and we don't know each other or care about each other, who cares if their hand goes there? Or there? It feels good, and hormones are raging, and so what if we never see each other again?

In fact, that would be preferable. It's a little odd doing everyday social things with someone who knows you that well. It's all about the knowlage. (Y'know what "fuck" stands for? It's an acronym for For Unlawful Carnal Knowlage. Was posted underneath the gallows of rapists in the Middle Ages.) Now that I think about it, who holds that knowlage is a big deal for me. Who am I comfortable with knowing what I look like naked? Or what sounds I make? Or what makes me tick? And who do I want to know these things about?

You are closer to the person you're intimate with for those minutes/hours/nights than anyone in the whole world. It's a whole different level of communication, and very rare and sought-after. Do you really want to be that close to just anyone with a nice body and hormones to match yours? Think, Sam. It's just your reproductive programing kicking in. That, and motherhood, are (biologically) the reason you're here no doubt you're gonna want sex worse than any other thing in life!

But sex lasts for minutes or hours or nights. Motherhood lasts forever.

And broken hearts take a bitch of a long time to heal, too.

So do broken friendships.

Plus, I've never (well, with one exception) been sexually intimate with someone when I haven't be feeling either lonely or miserable or insecure about something or another. That's not really a good sign now, is it? (Oh, I've always been horny at the time of the flings. Hormones have never been a problem in that department. Nothing was ever forced on me or anything, although there have been times when my mind was screaming No! when my body was screaming Yes! There goes that old reproductive urge again, even though babies are the last thing on my mind...)

Back on topic: I find it rather odd that every time it feels perfectly natural and nice to let things go further than they would under ordinary circumstances, I have low self-esteem. And I crawl into bed with this person I like/look up to/admire hold it right there! Didn't I just say I didn't have romantic feelings for my flings? Huh... Well, I didn't really think about the people I've been with in the romantic/gooshy way. But I did admire them all, or envy their self-confidence, or something like that. So I wanted to be them? Or did I figure that on a physical level of communication we would be equals? Or that some of their poise and perspective would rub off on me? Ack! New concept! Time for integration!

And back yet again on topic: So I'd crawl into bed with these people I for some reason admired or wanted to be or something like that, and we would be naked and holding each other in the most comforting way ever imaginable, and all through the night I'd be in a state of part absolute comfort and part dread of "When is he going to leave? Will he kiss me goodbye? What's it going to be like when I see him tomorrow morning?" (Yup, all these yucky feelings are for guys. Sorry, boys.) And the next morning I'll just know that he'd cared less than I did, and he does this all the time, and I was probably the least-tallented girl he'd ever been with.

But the morning after is never quite miserable enough to stop me from going at it again. With someone different this time.

wow. thank you, sam. this is really honest, and i can really relate. wb

oh god sam. i relate really well too, enough that it makes me sad. enough that now i'm inspired to rant a bit myself... i decided after theory that i didnt want to have "meaningless" flings with people anymore. not that i regret any of my pre-theory/theory flings in a general sense, because i don't. [0] but... i'm tired of the feeling that nothing will ever really last, because i get insecure and i feel like after a week or less, every person will get tired and bored of me, because after a week or so, things start getting intimate, and that means that you have to deal with emotions and such, and that scares a lot of people off after a brief rondevous. anyway. so i promised myself no more flings without knowing the person fairly well, and having a real connection... but then i did and then i regretted it to an extent, because it hurts when you both offer and need more than the other person does. blah. so i made it a resolution and wrote it down in my journal, and i haven't yet but hell i've been home, and we'll see how long it lasts in the cute-unschoolers-everywhere world. heh. ;) anyway. that's enough rambling for now. peace. ~jennyrose

[0] and for the record, and for those who have heard reputatious things about me and judged me for them; i'd like to mention that i've had a total of five actual sexual relationships in my life, including flings and long-term relationships, and never cheated on anyone... and at 17 and a half, that does not make me a slut, yo. [okay. that's enough self-defense.]