Slutty Ness

everybody's baby, dan bern, that's what I wanted to be when I was little.

I have a lot to say on the subject, and i think it's high-time the subject of labelling someone a "slut" was looked at and discussed, because it's really fricking stupid.

• It's inaccurate to call someone a slut based on them having flings or even multiple flings within a week - and especially just kissing someone fairly casually. Essentially, people use the word "slut" too casually. "Slut" means someone who has sex indescriminatingly, who doesn't respect themselves or others, and uses others for sex. The dictionary definition is "an immoral or slatternly [untidy or careless] woman." Aren't we above these terms yet? I don't think i know anyone i would define as a "slut." It is not "slutty" to enjoy a sexual experience with someone that is mutually enjoyable, regardless of whether it includes long-term commitments of any sort, or any emotional attachment at all. I think that sex (and i use this term loosely, to mean any sexual action; including masturbation) is something that can be shared between people as well as with yourself, and putting lables on when it is or is not okay for someone else to enjoy sex is bullshit. It isn't for anyone else to judge what we may and may not, or should and should not be doing with our spare time, insolong as we aren't hurting anyone else, right? I remember at camp in '99 a friend of mine told me that he thought a camp girl was acting like a "slut" and that really bothered me. Not only because it's obnoxious to call someone that, in itself, but he has been known to have more than one fling in one week himself, and he had no right to point the finger at her. So it's all messed up. People get mad at someone and the easiest thing they can think of to hurt them with is "slut." People get jealous because they are lonely or whatever, and they call someone else a "slut." It's really pathetic.

• There is a really stupid double-standard at nbtsc/theory about boys vs. girls being labelled "sluts," which i think is really sad and many people are completely unaware of. If a guy has more than one fling in a ~short period of time, for example, he's jokingly referred to as a slut, if at all. If a girl does, however, it's in a weird judgemental, accusing sort of way, and that really sucks. Girls are simply judged more harshly for their sexual "exploits" than guys are. It's the same double standard that affects high schools and "real life," but is also the kind of standard that isn't supposed to affect nbtsc, because nbtsc is supposed to be a [more] supportive, accepting place. It's also true that guys don't tend to take it as seriously as girls do. I don't think i've ever encountered a guy who felt deeply hurt by being called a "slut", while i've had several encounters with girls who felt hurt and alienated by the term. Not to say that guys never feel hurt by it, but as a generalization...

I feel like i'm repeating myself now though. You get the point. I will add to this as i think more about it and get more feedback. The point of the page, however, is simply, please don't call people "sluts." It's really hurtful and inaccurate and people need to be more aware of that fact.

xoxo jennyrose.

if you have something to say about this please put it here!

• Dude(ette), I agree, I think. Can't wait for the rest.

• no one should judge anyone at camp (or elsewhere for that matter). The only time i see anything wrong with having several flings (or whatever you wanna call it) is if people are being careless about others feelings and breaking hearts. If no one's getting hurt, then fling away! hey- you're only young once! (I have different opinions, however, on casual sex. I don't think sex should be taken as lightly, but i won't get into talking about that.)Does anyone agree with this point?

• ok. this is a sore point with me. because (joking or not) many people in my life refer to me as a slut. and it hurts alot when it happens, to the point of making me cry at times, and getting me to cry is hard. and i don't consider myself a slut. i'm 17 and i've kissed about 7 guys. not that that isn't quite a few boys, but the people who call me a slut have hooked up with at least that many people. and although i think of sex as something that is fun, and can be had with people who you are attracted to, but don't want a serious long term relationship with, i have always made that point clear to the people(a grand total of two.)who i am having a casual sexual relationship with. and they both agreed that that kind of relationship is fine, and it was definatly something that was discussed and agreed upon, so that no one got hurt. and for that i get termed a slut. maybe it's just me, but i fail to see how that could make me a slut. just my (rather bitchy sounding, i know) thoughts on the subject. love~sarah compton~

Jennyrose, I totally agree with everything you just said. Slut is the one word I really can't stand being used. It just.. annoys me so much when people lable others 'slut'. It's so.. inaccurate and crule. It's like women can't enjoy themselves sexually without being labeled as such. FEH I say. -Zen

using words like slut, or bitch, in an insulty way is weird to me. it seems like, if your angry at someone, you can use words like slut, bitch, fag, etc. (i say etc, 'cz i can't think of any others) to insult someone without putting any thought into it. someone bugs you, you can be just like, fuck off fag, or suck it bitch, or something, and it has teeth without needing any thought.. at all. they can be quite powerful words. unless your just joking around with friends and you know your just joking. but i feel really icky if i use those kinds of words to insult someone. i'd rather use words that describe more of what's wrong, than just blanket insults. (but i fuckin' love to swear for emphasis) - cory (trying to describe how he feels about the WORDS)

sluts rule - cory (describing how he feels about the PEOPLE)

thats a joke - cory (trying to cover his ass)

I'll speak formyself on this one... and maybe Cory too. It would be cool to be a slut - jonah (uncovering cory's ass)

amen cory!!! I've done that before, fighting with someone and just saying "bitch" because it's so easy to do, and it has so much effect. it's kind of frightening.

  ~rosie

[0] though there's an opposing arguement that we could reclaim the word and change it's meaning to a non-hurtful one, to avoid allowing others to hurt you with it. i'm not sure how exactly i feel about that. all i know is that it still really hurts when others say i'm acting like a/being a "slut."

• Yeah.. could do that. I hate it when people do that though... it's like rubber-padding the world, making it nice and plastic and "safe"... can't we just be nice, instead of taking away the weapons? </rant> Aredridel

• But why not let a word be a double edged sword? One can tell the difference between a positive and negitive context for it quite easily, so it wouldn't hamper communication. I love the feeling of power in words like "queer" that have been brought into positive proud useage[1]. "Bitch" is getting there, "slut" is next perhaps? -Tessa

I am so beyond conflicted about this subject, it's not even funny! I used to be all, "Well, as long as there's a mutual understanding about the (lack of ) depth to the relationship in question, go ahead and have your flings. Just so long as everyone plays nice and no one gets hurt, where's the problem?" And to some degree I still stick to that. But then the personal got involved with the political, and I discovered that although I am perfectly capable of pulling off an nice, clean, no-strings-attatched fling with a friend or trusted aquaintence, it tends to leave me with a bad feeling in my stomach. (And if you're really bored enough to follow Samantha's mind through an AttemptAtSelfTherapy, I feel almost sorry for you. Rent a movie or something!)-Samantha

I've always wished I could behave in a more tarty manner and enjoy it. Like, fool around with lots of different people in a lighthearted way. but I'm too picky, I guess. it just doesn't seem like much fun unless I really really like the other person and have a lot of trust and intimacy with them, and I don't feel that with very many people. But I haven't really tried the other extreme (yet?) so maybe I'd like it after all... -reanna

What people have to remember when they're reacting against negative ideas about sex, like the label/concept "slut," is that sex does carry a lot of responsibility, especially if it's intercourse! Any sexual activity carries a lot of responsibility for taking care of your and your partner's emotional and psychological well-being. Any sexual activity involving manual/genital, manual/anal, oral/genital, oral/anal, or genital/genital contact involves the responsibility of protecting yourself and your partner from what can be some really nasty diseases. I mean, if you're not careful, and sometimes even if you are, sleeping around can get you fucking dead. Finally, of course, male/female sexual intercourse ALWAYS carries the risk of pregnancy, no matter how much protection you're using. I know people who got pregnant on The Pill, and I know people who got pregnant using condoms. I believe that this is the area where responsibility is most important, from an ethical standpoint, because the choices made about intercourse affect someone (the potential baby) who is completely helpless and has no say in the matter.

In short, it is irresponsible to engage in risky sexual behavior even once, much less with lots of people. And to be honest, I AM a little judgemental towards people, male and female who sleep around a lot and haven't (apparently) thought very deeply about the potential consequences. (I sure don't call them "sluts" though!) Don't get me wrong, I won't hate you if you like to have sex, or have a lot of sex, or have casual sex, or make different choices than I would. I love sex, and I've made some sexual mistakes of my own, but... these responsibilities are something I wish I heard sexy young people talking about more.

Also - some people do use "slut" in a reclaimed fashion. I'm ambivalent about that sort of thing, but anyway, the most obvious example I can think of is the classic guide to polyamory, "The Ethical Slut."

Julie(lipse

well laurel has a lot to say on this subject too. Laurel is currently in the process of figuring out the way she feels about all this. I used to agree with the 'as long as your not hurting anyone' theory however I have discovered it is very hard to not hurt people. not only that but I often and up feeling discusted with myself in the end. I have also discovered that I have a really really big issue with sluttyness and respect and etc. I had a long conversation last night on the phone and I have decided that I am a slut. just because I dont really respect myself. I will probably continue to mess around with ssomeone who has no respect for me whatsoever. thats kinda slutty, no? I also have made people who respect me, not respect me any more because of the shit I have done. it sux. I used to think that everything I did was ok because I was still respected but now I see that I am not and then I have to wonder, do I stop having flings? do I stop caring about respect? or do I totally conform to what other people want of me. am I doomed to always be controlled by other peoples respect? cause if I always worry about it I can never trully be free. (hey who needs freedom anyway. ha) Laurel hates this week. it sux ass (the worst kind you can think of). ~Malia(Laurel)[2]

[1]This is an old, old gambit too. Ya'know why Quakers (the Religuse Society of Friends) are called that? It was origonally an insult.

[2] *hugs laurel bigly* this is really hard shit. i've made a conscious decision to not behave in way that i'll regret/feel like i disrespected myself afterwards. it's hard. it's like going vegetarian or going vegan. ha. bad anology. but you know what i mean. it's an addiction to behave sexually with attractive people regardless of whether they respect you or not. it doesn't make you a bad person at all if you do, but you do need to take care of yourself and your needs. good luck, dear. -Jennyrose