Defense Mechanisims

How do you deal with the world? with people? what kinds of emotional shields do you put up?

"What tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive."

I've never really thought I had defense mechanisms, but you know what? I do. Like acting happy when I'm really not very happy at all. It's a way of deflecting questions, a way of not letting people get too close to me, a way of protecting myself from their criticism...ie "Why is she in such a bad mood, what a bitch, she doesn't know how to have fun" etc etc. Acting happy when you're not is also a way of running away from what you're feeling, defending yourself in an odd way, from having to face things that you'd maybe rather not face. I don't know. Sometimes this is absolutely fine with me. Sometimes it's not. Another of my defense mechanisms is writing people off as too intimidating, or aloof, or too cool for me, or someone who wouldn't really like me anyway. This way I don't have to go through the fear of trying to get to know them and being rejected or criticized. How do you get through someone else's defense mechanisms? Sometimes it seems like there are too many to shake a stick at, let alone get through. Hmm. ~Becky~

When someone I know enters a public room I'll look down at my books, scared that if they see that I've noticed them entering that they'll feel obliged to come over to me and they'll dislike me for that. If someone says hello, I say hello too, but I'm scared to talk to them because of how passionate I get about things and the unlikelihood of me being able to just calmly exchange small talk like a normal person. If someone talks to me really talks I want to tell them all about all the wonderful weird scary things in the world and the interesting thoughts I've been having and all that. But I've been told "that's deep" in ways that mean "shut up" too often, and I've built defense mechanisms against talking...

... anyone know how to let down defenses?

- Christy

• woh.. that part about.. really talking. i know.. i am incapable of small talk for very long. then it's silence vs. good conversation.. ack. Mari

I have a fuck of a lot of shields, too many for my own good (but that's the way it is with people) One of my more recent defense mechinisms is being the clown, where I turn everything into a joke and make people laugh so that they'll somehow be fooled into thinking I"m fun and interesting to be around. And... it worked. A little too well. Yeah, that's when I realized that people laughed at me a lot, and I'd laugh at myself but it never felt right. And then I turned to sarcasm, and I'd deliver these perfectly-timed darts of poison words to some people and hurt them before they could hurt me. And... well... that worked too, except I'm out of a few friends. Oops.

So yeah, that's a little bit of me.

~Eire

I know what you mean, Eire. I do the clown thing way too much, too, and it often backfires on me. Sometimes I use sarcastic humor to try and relate to people, and I end up going over the top and annoying them. Another method is just to withdraw, both to minimize the risk of getting hurt and also as a stupid "test". "Let's see who really loves me enough that they'll want my friendship even if I ignore them or push them away." The only problem is, sometimes nobody notices me when I play invisible, and that makes me feel shitty. - Naela

I smile and shrug. Especially when I'm talking about myself, things that are important to me.

Saying funny things, even if I really really want to hear what someone is trying to tell me. Silence. "I don't know." Doors. Rooms. Emma

Being tired. It allows you to sink into the background, no longer an active member. And such charming little fidgety motions, too. For the three months I went to school, I was tired. ~Wind

i'm sure i have an awful lot of defense mechanisms..i'm scared of too many things not to.

but recently i was stung by somebody ELSE's defence mechanism. and i know that's what it was, but it still hurt. they'd posted something really important on an open forum. it sounded like they were asking for comments, for opinions. so i posted. i was extremely nervous about writing and sending it also. i don't know them THAT well, but i wanted them to know that i cared enough to think about it and worry about it. so i sent it.

and i got back a one liner reply that was just so .... insensitive. crude, and completely demeaning everything either of us had said.

i'm sure it could have been any number of things.. embarrasment at posting something so personal, maybe offense at what i said, maybe, who knows. but in any case. it still hurt. i'm still not over it, and i'm trying to still care about that person, but it's hard.

i know i probably do the same thing. i think my most obvious defense mechanism is laughing, and brushing aside things of importance. i'm sure this could get frustrating for people trying to have an intense conversation with me. so i'm trying not to blame this other person.

but how do you deal with something like this?

RoyaBoya

I am a defense mechanism, lately.

My most succesful, I guess you could say, defense mechanism was to be tired, especially when I was in school for 10 years, especially Junior High and High School. That way you just had a reason for being quiet or subdued, and you can just yawn or stretch in the middle of a conversation. I also tended to be horrendously sarcastic, throwing little barbs into any conversation I had, it became a habit and it's still hard not to do it, because I lost or alienated so many friends doing it. I, like most people I think, take on that sort of clowny, comedian act to make people like us more or to just try and fit in, it may work for a little bit at the beginning, but after that I have found you are just forced to continue it, it becomes a habit around certain people. Mike

I've been a defensive person most of my life.I have been hurt by so many people I loved and trusted it's hard not to build walls up.No one really knows me I don't let them I lock them out build my walls up higher.Instead of talking about problems or sharing myself I run away from them I hide them deeper inside.I've hurt people out of fear that they might see the real me.I have hidden from problems blocked people out.I hate that I do this but I'm scared of being hurt again.~Jackie