Erynne Rambles

You can also read ErynneHappilyRambles if you need somthing happy to read.

I'm just writing here because i'm really mad right now. I'll probably earase it if i ever come across it again. People annoy me. I was having a nice day, i did my math and practiced. oh happy me. i was done, so i decide to go riding with my friend. so we go riding and get really really wet and cold. so cold it was hard to stop the damn horse when he felt like going. so the plan was to go back to my house and get warm before taking the horses home. a couple of our friends got home right when we were going by their house, so we decide to warm up there instead. well yeah, fine. everyones happy. i laugh and so do they. then i decide this really isn't warming me up and i go stand by the stove and think. i realise i don't really like these people that much and i know they don't like me. ok i don't know that but it really seems like it.

    I can't relate to them very well. they like pretty clothes and care what
their hare looks like. i like pretty clothes too, but i'm not obsessed with
them. and my hair is the way it is. so there. so i become unhyper. and as
we're leaving to put the horses back, one of my friends notices. (i love her
very much, she's my bestest friend here) me, being the stuborn pig that i
am, say of course there's nothing wrong, i'm fine, lets go. so we go, i
ended up on the same horse as her and the other two were on the other one. i
didn't tell her anything then i don't think. she tried to pry some things
about camp out of me, but you can't pry me very easily.
          while those other two (ok, i'm giving them names now, this is
getting confusing) brynne and lily, screw around on the horse we're supposed
to be putting away, Ananda (my beautiful darling bestest friend here) starts
prying again. well, it works. i'm standing there, very thankful that it's
dark so no one can see the tears streaming down my face. brynne comes over
and says something like "what's wrong?" and ananda says i'm not in a good
mood. so brynne walks away and bes very uncomforting. oh what a great
friend. 
       so we go down to brynne's house to put her horse away, i don't help,
i stay on her driveway. with ananda. i cry, i tell her exactly what's wrong,
as much as i can make out anyway. i don't fit here. plain and simple. and
everyone bitches at me all the time. 
  soon i go home, i don't want to be around them. i'd just start crying when
i got somewhere, and it wouldn't be fun for anyone. so i'm home. and i miss
tessa so much if she was here i would never let her leave again. so maybe
it's good she isn't.

ooooo! look a knife!

ooooo! look! blood! don't worry, i'm not dead and i'm not going to be dead soon. there's too many people i love other places. kay nell matt tessa candra will becky colleen athena robyn, just to name a few. you know, today i miss ted. i had an earring i was going to send to ted, but i don't know what happened to it.

if you read any or all of this i'm amazed. i'm going to go make something sweet.

~erynne

jadzia hugs you tightly

oh babe... sweetie, please call or email me or something if you're feeling icky, okay? and I'll tell you some stupud jokes and you can cry... -Robyn

Today i don't think i did anything productive. but i don't care. I guess i had fun. I went off with my friends around nine. it was great, they came up to my window and threw stuff at it and then i had to say "who's there?' and then my darling ananda said, "it is only me my love". those lines are so old. and tonight was the first time they've ever been used. i made really good brownies last night. but that doesn't really matter.

I was at my friend's place, and my other friend was there, and he has a hat that's too small, but looks really cute on him, and it was just sitting on the floor, and i was like oh my god! that's like a robby hat! and then i started missing my tribe even more. god i misses everyone so so much. i really need to get out of here for new years. wether i go to edmonton or kentucky. or somewheres else.

erynne has taken to looking at her wrist a lot. and her knife. and wondering what the hell she thought she was doing last night. if i'd have cut my wrist a leetle more...but i didn't. good thing. i didn't really mean to, it just happened. you'd be amazed at how much skin you can cut through without drawing blood. nobodies noticed. which is good. i don't really want to explain anything. nobody gets it. i'm all alone it seems like.

aarg! i need candra! my darling wife. i'm afraid i've been cheating on her. I got married twice today. and one time i got married to two people at once. so now i have four wives and no husbands. that's funny because i'm straight. i think so anyway. yeah i am. erynne should stop eating brownies and go to sleep. her mom's going to make her wake up at 12pm again.

I hate it when i feel like shit and i can't even say why. it makes me feel even worse when there's no good reason for feeling bad. and it's like i feel bad all the fucking time these days. i never feel good. well pretty much never. i had to fake sick last night just so i could come home and cry. i hate crying in front of some people. i don't trust them.

the thing i hate most is that one of the people i absolutly won't cry in front of used to be my best friend. that's just sad. i wonder if i've changed, or if she has. or if we both have. makes you think.

i got so sad today when my 'friends' were trying to get me to go somewhere. they were trying to get me to go over to a friends for the night and they were seeing who was going, and then robin said "see all your friends are going." arg! they are not ALL my friends! most of my friends life very far away! and sometimes the people around here aren't my friends anyway.

erynne is hella tired and must go mother is going to wake her up before 12 tomorrow. love for everyone under the sun. and the moon

~erynne

 I'm dieing.
 Slowly and painfully.
 Quietly withering into nothingness.
 Soon to blow away in the wind.
 I can't think clearly,
 And my body isn't functioning.
 It's not that I won't eat,
 It's that i can't.
 Before this slow suicide,
 Comes to completion,
 And I am nothing more than a memory,
 I ask one thing of you.
 Please,
 Don't make my mistake.