go ahead... describe some of the hard battles you or someone you know has fought... A hard battle is... Trying to appreciate life each day, as a journey. Not focusing on just the destination. To stop being so fucking self centered. To starve myself or give into food. Food. To decide which voice to listen to. To say the word 'Anorexia' in front of my mother and best friend. To accept my body. To become a professional dancer when you have huge boobs. To accept my ankle injury, and not skate alot. To skate and see everyone who had improved when I was gone. To know when to stop. To cry in front of people. To be happy. Just being Happy. A hard battle is learning to forgive, but not forget. To look at my past, and see that it was me, even if it wasn't what I would now want. To learn to accept what is, and stop worrying about the what ifs.... To forgive my parents, remember that they might not have known it could be different, they talked about it, but never asked me if I wanted to leave, they assumed since I did good, I liked it, and wouldn't want to try something besides a structured school. What I am good at has no relation at all to what I love to do. A hard battle is doing what I want, to let myself go free. To remember that I am no longer confined, I can be free, I am not being told what to do, I am out of school. I can slow down and stop this mad rush to everywhere, that is actually going nowhere. Realizing that this is MY life, I don't have to wait to have other people tell me what I am, people who don't even know who I am, they don't know me. A hard battle is accepting that nothing is perfect, what has happened to me has formed me, and that if I changed it it might be different. I am what I am, and now is the time to change, to stop wishing what could have been different, if only..... is all the past, if I want to change something, I do it now, and don't wait for tomorrow to wish I had done it yesterday. Knowing that this is my battle, only I can fight it. You can help me, encourage me, be there, but this is mine and I might hate it, but I want it to myself. Getting people to realize that I am not a constant, to stop comparing, contrasting and evaluating, to live now, and that what I was is not what I am now. Of living up to expectations, or just saying screw them! Accept that I may have been good there, I may have "learned" in school, but those grades don't mean anything. Now that I am out, I have nothing to show for 10 years of my life. All those wasted, frivolous, trivial assignments, papers, homework, all those lies not telling who I really am, all for that Golden Grade. Papers do not tell me who I am, what I will be, on the paper I can write that, what my dreams and plans are, but they are not set in stone, and a paper by itself full of meaningless words that I was forced into doing, in the cause of some higher good, is worthless, even though people judge me by those meaningless words that I wrote because of the rewards I thought I would get for writing them. To step back, and stop striving to be there, and not here now. Life is a journey, not a destination. Where I am headed to is not the only thing, what I do along the way is just as important, or more so. A hard battle is to put myself first, and last at the same time. To know that I should first be happy be who I want to be, before I try to make others happy and help them, but also that if somebody stopped and took a look at me, took a few seconds out of their day for me, it would make a world of difference. To put my well being and others on the same level. A hard battle is loving, caring about somebody who doesn't seem to notice you, they focus their attention elsewhere, pass over you in the woodwork, even though you try not to be part of the background, be a decoration, be somebody you are not, but that somebody was a part of you, some time ago, so in denying it you are also being somebody you are and were not, but is not who we are, what we do, us? A hard battle is to keep reaching out, giving out, but not receiving. To try to keep old friendships alive, and its all a one-sided battle. To break a habit, to stop living a lie, to stop hiding behind a mask, a person you aren't, but a person that others see you as, to try and show others what they are hiding behind, and then realize many of them do not want to see, they hide because of what they are afraid of if they were out in the open and were seen by others, and take the lead, say I am not going to do this anymore and hope that others will join you, people I care about, but barely know, I only know about you what you show me. Live life as it comes, today is today, and its not over yet, but yesterday has happened, and have I learned anything from yesterday, did I do what I wanted to do? A hard battle is to give up something that has been an addiction, a part of you so much that you can't really remember when it all began, or much of what was before it began, but you know you want to move on, and that it is time. A hard battle is trying to forget those people you have met through that addiction, that habit, but knowing that you will never forget them, only detach yourself from them, which is even more painful, and regretting the lose of contact, but not regretting kicking the addiction. A hard battle is to see your brother be forced into a person he is not comfortable being, throw up and make his shields and barriers, and never let them down in front of you, barricading himself into a small fortress. To grow further apart and you hope that someday, sometime, he will see both sides of the coin, and realize that he has control of his life, and there are good times, and bad, and they make the greater picture....together. Hope that someday you will be close, but also knowing in the back of your mind that you can hope for that day, but it will never come. To tell him to stop looking ahead, and always planning for the future, when he could do it now, like you do. To look behind and see all the good things that were, and might no longer be in that golden future of his, hope he realizes the fortunate experiences that we had, that he takes for granted, and begins to despise because of what he wants, of his golden dream, the unknown. A hard battle is to be there for somebody else, who is going through something you have gone through, and there was nobody there for you. To be somebody, a person that you never had, for someone else, and hope that they will notice it, not take it for granted and do the same. A hard battle is to open up, after being closed for such a long time. To let down those barriers that were there for so long, that they became a part of me. To explore and find new places, that you never knew existed inside. To triumph and succeed, but not care if others think you failed and are doomed, they think that this is leading nowhere, when they can't see that they are always looking out, but never look in at themselves, and around them at where they are, and that the world is both here and there, but not a single one alone. To walk away, and hold your head high, and still be proud of who you are, and not try to change back to who you were, when you know people liked you, and take that risk and do something different. To know when to fight, and when to accept, that you will not always get your way, but try to make the best of what comes your way. A hard battle is believing that Life is a long river, with many twists and turns, many places where the river splits, and I may take the wrong fork, but I can always retrace my steps, and join up with the river that is Life, again. There are many dead-ends and backwaters, but if I go fast enough, take risks and go over the rapids and rocks, I will get there, wherever that may be. I may be jostled and battered at the end of the journey, but I will be glad I did it, cherish every scar and time that I thought I would never get my head above the water to breathe. I may end up washed up on the shore, but I can always jump back in and try again. I chose my route, I do not have to go the well worn way, the explored way, the way many people go, only because they know they can get to the end along it, and are taught that there is only one way to do everything right. And at the end, I will see that this great river of Life has joined another, and the circle is complete, and I am blissful. A hard battle is to know that there isn't always a wrong and a right, there are many paths to chose and to remember that I can always make my own, I can run through the bushes and the brambles, dodging the trees and running up hills, jumping over gullies, and make a new path, that will give me satisfaction knowing I was the first to explore it. To get others to realize this is the hardest battle of all, or maybe they do and I am just blind. A hard battle is knowing that each difficult battle each of us faces, is ours alone, and that we must fight it alone, because if we do not have the will to do it alone, why are we fighting it? If you cannot do something, why start it? A hard battle is making choices, decide of all the things you want to do, what you will do. To know that you may never have this opportunity again, but to still chose, and that you may never have that opportunity unless you go out and try to find it. A hard battle is to face the unknown, conquer your fears and jump over that edge, and realize that there is another whole world, just over that ridge, its a long fall if you miss a step, but that is what makes it new, the excitement, the danger. You are alive. A hard battle is to have total freedom, and not know what to do. You have never been able to chose this much, have all these options and ways open to you. How will you know which one is right? For so long I was told what to do, which path was the best, but I never thought I would chose my own way, pick my own journeys and destinations. A hard battle is realizing that unless you have freedom, unless you make the decision, it won't matter to you, it will happen regardless of your consent or not, so why bother with the work and expend the energy? A hard battle is to motivate yourself to do something you are nervous about doing, and not just lie in bed all day thinking about why you should do it, what could go wrong. To go out and do it, and then realize you love doing it, but still have the problem of motivation even when you know you love doing it. A hard battle is to stop making up excuses for myself, and avoiding people, places, activities. A hard battle is to convey true feelings, thoughts and emotions through words on a screen such as this, or by voice, wouldn't it all be so much simpler if we could communicate telepathically? To communicate and say what you want to, write what you mean is forever a battle for me, as is understanding what somebody writes or says in the manner which they said it, and to try not to let my prejudices and stereotypes get the better of me. To remain free thinking, but also try to live by my ethics and morals, to live what I believe and say, and not just say it. That is my largest battle. A hard battle is to know that everyone has all these battles, and even though we may not know of them, they do occurr, and to treat other people as we would like to be treated. Everyone has an hour of need, and if that is you, remember that others need, that somebody else out there may need a hug, need somebody to talk to, but may be to shy to speak up and ask for it. I have always wished somebody had stopped and really talked to me, given me a hug, something at some point of my life, but this is by far my hardest battle, to realize that if somebody was there, or wasn't there for you, to try and be there for others. Even more defeating is when somebody refuses you, denial, rejection, you are only trying to do what you think you should do, and they don't want it. So I walk away, and try to never look back but know that I will take a peek out of my eye, or turn my head around quickly for a glance, because it is so hard to move on without looking back, without regretting. A hard battle is to accept the fact that everyone has emotions, every single person who has any conciousness has these same feelings on this page, and that I feel and relate to them all. To say something that has already been said, just so others know you feel it, which would mean saying so many things over. A hard battle is to know when enough is enough, and I think this is enough. asking for help is the fucking hardest battle i've ever had... not expecting any is easy. ignoring my battles... that's a hard battle. not knowing what is the good thing to do, what would work, that's a hard battle. not admitting anything to myself, that's a hard battle too. a hard battle is helplessly realizing that things are only going to get harder. franny 7-21-01 almost a year ago we cought my dad sleeping with the nabber. heres my battles sints then a hard batter is fighting to the teeth for 6 years for your food. i know anerixia will always play a roal in my life. im just mad at myself for starting at such a young age as 9. when your 9 years old you shouldnt be worried abount your waight. you should be playing games laughing and having fun. but i wasn't. i didn't dwell on the fact i thought i was fat. i just skiped breakfast or lunch. some days i didnt have anything to eat at all. a hard batter is loveing to cut yourself. i know its wrong because my mom, sisters, friends and shrinks have told me so but i still love to cut. for some reason i dont find any pride in not cutting for 5 months. people thought it was a faze and i'd outgrow it. i never did. i just stoped cut it was killing me. not that i dont still love the feel of the blaid on my skin. i still do really truely. deep down inside i still crave selfharm. a hard better is not exsepting who my father is. i have little picture made up in my mind who he should be. what normal fathers are like. but mine doesnt fit the bill. it wears me out knowing my father will never say that im beautiful he will never exsept crying. he will never say "im sorry i hurt you". i know he will still take his girlfriend tanya and her kid elena over me. i know he will smoke pot till the end of time. im fighting the battle right now of "i don't love this bastered" i have not spoken a word to him for 6 months. i havnt seen him for just as long. i know all this is true but it doesnt make it easy a hard battle is wakeing up in the middle of the night and not wanting to live. thinking this will pass roaling over and thinking the same thing. over and over for 4 years. trying over and over to kill yourself and never having the guts to actuly pull the trigger. a hard battle is hating what you look like. not seeing what the guys see. my father never said i was beautiful. he said that i needed to lose waight. get a little thinner. are you happy now daddy? are you happy now im starving? a hard battle is seeing my boyfriends cut up hands and burning teary face. knowing that all i can do to help is hug and pray to god i know the right thing to say. saying "i love you" to him till tears of my own start to rush off my face. i know what he's gone/going through i know its not easy. a hard battle is helping people and not hearing thanks. spending hours of hearing there trubbles, giving thousands of hugs and seeing million of there tears and not having one "thanks" back. i get a few but not as maney as i'd like. i love doing it so i keep on. im fighting the battle of watching people i love more then the stars and the moon be hurt. a hard battle is fighting to keep respect. respect for people you would love to just walk away from. i dont know why i cant leave him in a pit somewhere. every acton he does creeps me out. i dont know why i keep letting myself fall and grow week whenever im around him. i have it a hard battle is being hated for something you can't change. not having people look you in the eye because your "different" and not cool enough to hang out with them. then when you say "fuck you you've sucked my blood long enough" they think your rad and they wanna chill with you. i hate being hated. if someone hates me i start to hate myself. a hard battle is having people worrie abount you for good reasons. people worrie because in the past 5 weeks ive lost 6 pounds. i don't have the nerve to tell my mom. i hate seeing people i lobe worrie abount me. they do for good reasons thats what scaries me. a hard battle is knowing your hurt but not having the guts to say anything just wiping the mud off your boots and moving on still wooned. i do that all to often. a hard battle is learning to forgive the person who you are. im slowly firgiving me for my failts. slowly. veary. slowly. im slowly letting myslef out and breath again. im even forgiving myself for not loving my father. but only veary slowly i almost forgave my father for having an affair. but how do forgive someone who doesnt see anything wrong with what they do? so i never forgave him. i find it really to forgive people but i am learning but only veary slowly. a hard battle is looking your father the man that brought you into this world in the eyes. seeing his eyes red and watery and having the smell of pot roal off him. seeing him so drunk he can't walk straight yet he still drives you home. seeing him scream words at your mothers face and all you can do is cry. a hard battle is getting up washing your face walking up 5 flights of stairs and going to your first shrink appoiment. being so scaired you could run away and never come back yet you keep on. not knowing if your going to make it. you can see her office its just a few more feet. it wasnt a long walk but it was a walk i did alone. a hard battle is writing my battles on this page a hard battle is woundering if you really care a hard battle is knowing when to walk away and when to stay bravly...
A hard battle is when you find out that more than one person loves you, and you love more than one person, and you feel compelled to decide something. A hard battle is trying to stay "just friends" with someone.
A hard battle is reading about other people's battles and knowing they have to fight it out for themselves.
A hard battle is wondering if you're just being a coward and running away from people who need you.
A hard battle is not knowing what to say.
Distance is a hard battle. Knowing that everything would be so wonderful if only you could see and touch that certain person every day.
A hard battle is second-guessing yourself.
A hard battle is going to bed.
A hard battle is waking up.
a hard battle is watching someone you love be in love with someone else. feeling like they are too busy loving that other person to care about you. not wanting to feel spiteful to both people. trying to love them both is a battle. jessica. Fighting a hard battle is trying to help others fight their hard battles. You might not have the strength, the battles they have to face might be destroying you, also. You might not have anyone to talk to, because they don't have the strength and they are exhausted, or just not present. But anyways, there you are: holding your ground?? carrie Fighting a hard battle is when you go away traveling and when you come back, you feel like you are shining, glowing, a completely different person . . . and then you soon find out that your parents don't like that new person and every time you look in the mirror you can see that new person slowly fading, losing all the shine that you were so proud of not too long ago. Fighting a hard battle is yelling at your parents with opinions that are valid and having each of them be discounted as "oh, she's only in that stage where she thinks everything her parents say is stupid. she'll learn." Fighting a hard battle is looking around the town you've lived in for 16 1/2 years and seeing people that have said that they hate you, that you are going to burn in hell for not repenting and giving yourself over to Christ and never, absolutely never, seeing a person that understands you like the glittery girls and boys you've just spent 5 weeks drinking in. Fighting a hard battle is waking up every morning to stare at the ceiling and try to close your eyes again and fall back asleep because waking up means that you'll have to look into the eyes of the mother that doesn't like who you are any more, the sister that says that she thinks that every single thing you say is wrong, your boss who was over heard murmuring that she doesn't think you'll ever make it here, the father that makes you want to cry with the snide remarks that spill out of him so unwitting but painful. Fighting a hard battle is sitting awake at 5 in the morning because at 5 am. nobody is awake to hurt you, to reject you, to tell you again and again how you just aren't good enough, that you never will be good enough. Fighting a hard battle is realizing that you can list on one hand the number of people that you truly believe love you. Fighting a hard battle is looking at the calendar and seeing how many days have passed since you got the camp registration forms and realizing that soon, very soon, your chances of going to camp at all are going to be gone because you don't even have the money to pay the deposit. Fighting a hard battle is having your father sit behind you and tell you just why you are never going to reach the goals you've set for yourself. Fighting a hard battle is crying and having no tears come out. Fighting a hard battle is being 16 and thinking that nobody thinks you're pretty, most importantly the few that you love the most. Fithing a hard battle is being told that you shouldn't cry. Fighting a hard battle is forgetting how to cry. Fighting a hard battle is staring at the walls until your eyes burn with the nothing that comes out of them while in your head you are telling yourself how much you're failing everyday. Fighting a hard battle is making myself sign this entry. ~Jasmine
"when you can keep your head while everyone else is losing theirs and blaming it on you..." A hard battle, or at lest a surprising one, is traveling half way acroose the world to another country, going through 5 time zones, 3 airports, leaving your family and friends, to find yourself on one tuesdy morning at 10:45 gazing into the deep brown eyes of a large Fresian Dairy cow, and thinking "how the fuck did i get here?", and more importatnly "how do i get out?" -dawn i am fighting i am fighting with hand and foot and tooth and claw i am fighting but i never started it i am fighting against someone stronger than me i am fighting because it is the only way i am fighting to live i am fighting and i am losing. a hard battel is fighting with yourself a hard battel is fighting with your food a hard battel is fighting for you life. a hard battel is haveing your dad drive you home when hes drunk and not telling ppl a hard battel is calling up your dad or your birthday and haveing his missteis doughter (my x best friend) ancer the phone....to top it off that's how i found out. a hard battel is keeping fath in others and there love a hard battel is learning to love yourself a hard battel is loveing someone then haveing them leave a hard battel is life a hard battel is talking to my dad when he loves me and i don't love him back thees are hard battels and all of them are mine i now sing my name Heather A hard battle is knowing that someone who did a great injustice, and caused great pain to someone you love dearly ~ someone who never deserved it ~ is probably going to get away with it. Knowing that they live hundreds and hundreds of miles away and you probably won't be seeing them any time soon, and you can't even afford the hundred dollars to fly out there and beat the living shit out of them like they deserve for hurting someone just because they felt treated unfairly. For not respecting them as a human being. For thinking they have that kind of power over people and for enjoying it. It's knowing that even if you had the money you probably wouldn't.. not that you wouldn't want to. It's not being sure that even if they lived near enough by to reach, that you'd be able to do whats right and hurt them until they never went near your friend again. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you think you're numb to feeling. It makes you want to cry and that makes you feel even weaker. Then you wonder if you stopped trying to hold back the tears if they'd even come. It's thinking that maybe you DON'T care. Maybe you aren't the brilliant friend everyone thinks. Maybe you're all talk and no action. It's knowing that your friend forgives you for doing nothing because that's just who you are.. It's thinking all this, and forgetting the real issue.. a friend is hurt, and there is nothing you can do. Nothing you can ever do. -Zen A hard battle is fighting for a life. All day. Maybe all night. Fighting. And in the end realizing that it is the END. The end of a life. To have to say 'thats it' 'we need to end this life' 'it's not worth it any more'. the end. always the end is hard. I wrote this poem after one such end. You are free now. Free to run. Free to roll. Free to just be you. Free from pain. Free from confinment. Free to just be you. Free to graze on feilds of starlight. Free to romp down beams of moonlight. You are whole again. Whole of body. Whole of mind. Whole of spirit. You are free now. Your spirit can fly. You can fly. You will find a place in the stars and there will be a new star. You are free now. Free to run. Free to roll. Free to just be you. Free from pain. Free from confinment. Free to just be you. Ruth
A hard battle is believing something with all your heart and knowing that the people who's thoughts you value most think it's impossible rubbish. A hard battle is deciding who and where and why to love. A hard battle is limiting yourself. A hard battle is throwing away limits. A hard battle is not knowing where you're going, but going anyway. -marina A hard battle is watching your father watch your grandfather when he sleeps to see if he's still alive, knowing one day he won't be, and that when that happens you'll be the only one he has left and it'll all fall on you. A hard battle is having to choose between yourself and your family because you desperately want and need to leave home, but knowing when and if you do they'll be hurt and want you to stay, and that if you don't you will never be happy. A hard battle is feeling useless. A hard battle is always being scared. Scared of people, scared of looking stupid, scared of being stupid. I tell people I left school beacause I wanted to learn when and what and how I wanted to, because the rules were dumb and I hate early mornings. These are all true, but they're not the main reasons. I left because I was tired of being scared and self-conscious, always worrying about tripping over someone's book bag in class and everyone laughing or giving reports. Tired of making myself as unnoticeable as possible. It's still hard for me to look people in the eye. I was tired of being lonely in the way one can only be when surronded by thousands of people. Being scared now of getting another job and being asked to do things I can't do, and being stupid, or atleast appearing that way, when being "smart" is all I ever had. A hard battle is living out of a suitcase for 17 years. My mother is a RN that works the third shift (in fact she just left about an hour and a half ago) and needs to sleep in the day when she works, so when we were younger we had to go to my grandparents' house because we'd make too much noise and my dad was not the diaper changing "Mr. Mom" type. I've been old enough to stay at my parents house (when my parents still lived in the same house) for years, but I can't because my grandparents got used to us always being there and if we didn't go they'd send us on a guilt trip. Well, only my grandpa does now because my grandma died in February. It's only me now too because my brother, Justin (J-Boy, golden boy, peacemaker, confidant, worrier, handyman, doer of his sister's chores, best friend), died over three years ago. I'm forever going from my mom's house to my grandpa/dad's house to my aunt's house. I'm never one place for more than three days. A hard battle is remembering the day it all fell apart. A hard battle is dealing with the aftermath. I was going to write more about those last two, and I will, but I can't right now. Too draining. I apologize for the length, but I had to say this shit somewhere. - KimW.
A hard battle is letting someone you love more than anything make choices you think are going to hurt her and hurt you as well. A hard battle is being hurt over and over again, and not being able to stop yourself from walking back into the punch.... A hard battle is loving someone who loves someone else more. -Robyn A hard battle is slowly getting over someone. Slowly learning forgiveness and slowly learning to accept that things aren't perfect. A hard battle is watching those you adore being hurt by other people you love. A hard battle is watching people you love being complete morons and hurting others but knowing that these are just lessons we all learn, and you can't stop them anyway, because they think they are happy, and that's all that matters, and wouldn't listen to you. A hard battle is sharing people you love with other people, being jealous of those more beautiful than you who are taking them away, and wondering if they'll come back to you ever again.
a hard battle is pulling yourself out of bed every morning and telling yourself you've only got eight more hours to spend with people you don't know who don't care about you. a hard battle is not falling into hate with your family when you feel that they've forgotten who you are. a hard battle is not having the choice any more. a hard battle is talking to a boy who wants to kiss me and feeling better than i had all week just hearing his voice... and not being able to hold him because he lives out of town. a hard battle is keeping myself from weeping every second of the day. a hard battle is reading these words on this screen, written by people i desperately want to know, and not feeling like i could ever help them in any way with their hard battles. ~naomi A hard battle is watching one of the strongest women you know cry. A hard battle is watching adults you respect fight and gossip like children. A hard battle is knowing you can't change yourself all at once. A hard battle is letting a friendship end, not with a bang and a terrible fight, but slowly, so you have to watch. Love, Naela A hard battle was waking up this morning and really not feeling like living through the whole day. It was tearing every picture off my walls, ever note, cartoon, clippings, as my hands burned and my eyes flooded with tears. It was remembering what bare walls look like from the farm, how a room can echo. It was aching when i saw the faces of people who love me, and who i love back. It was sitting carefully on my floor shaking writting crying and convincing myself not to do something stupied that i would regret. It was saying goodbye to Shippy before i locked myself in my room, staying calm enough to not upset her, and calm enough to convince myself that i would see her again. Dawn A hard battle is knowing that because of your chromosomes, over which you have no control, you are less safe than the other half of the population. You are not safe to walk down streets alone. You are not safe to leave a window open at night. You must learn to deflect a knife from your body, because it is statistically more likely to penetrate than if you had been born a male. - Naela, after taking a women's self-defense class A hard battle is watching a community die[1]. Watching the people in it slowly get other insterests, watching their entheusiasm wane. A hard battle is losing touch with a friend and trying to rekindle the spark and failing. And still holding on to your memories. - Naela A hard battle is trying to be a good skater (I was going to write this anonymously, but the only skater on here, to the best of my knowledge, is me) when you started when you were 11, when most people started when they were 4, and almost being as good as them, but having your coach tell you that you're too fat to make it anywhere. And then tryingto diet, but realizing that it won't do any good, because your coach already thinks that you're lazy, and incompetant, and you feel like nothing. -Like you need to ask.
A hard battle is trying to be a professional dancer when you aren't a complete waif. A hard battle was the day, almost exactly two years ago, when I had to judge whether my dad was awake enough, and sober enough, to drive a car. That was part of the larger battle of watching him deteriorate and losing respect (and love?) for him over two and a half years, and feeling parts of myself get colder and angrier every week. Now he's recovering, and so am I. Very slowly. Mitchell, who, after some consideration, can't think of any reason why he should write anonymously.
Hard battle was my parents separating, and calling my dad and having his mistress who moved IN a few weeks after I moved out, answer the phone. and leaving the phone message, very carefully for her to tell my father "tell him his daughter called". Dawn A hard battle is watching the people who you love grow up or grow older, make travels, cry, fall in love, get terribly angry, fall out of love again, and to get the stories of their lives secondhand from words on a screen.
A hard battle. . . . when my father molested me, and everyone in my family knew, yet I was still expected to hug him and call him "Dad" *To whoever wrote the above.... would you mind, me asking if you could share any thoughts on your experience, any advice to others who have had simular experiences, and any suggestions on how people can help their friends when they have experiences like that? One of my dear friends was molested by his father for many, many years, and I am trying desperately to understand what to say when he needs to talk about it.... if you don't want to, I'd understand, but if you could talk... - /Christy/ A hard battle is not knowing where one is going to go when the academic year ends and college is over. Abusive families. No money for the first months rent. Visits to the food bank. Not knowing if anyone cares....
That your fight for life has cost you the heart of the woman you love so much that she was the first true happyiness worth not just dieing for but for the first time in your life .... "Living for" ... Noing that The price for your life was your heart. My health has improved and My pain is gone ... My torment is over ... replaced with hope and love ... only to be replaced by emptiness and the shadows of the past. I am not Who I was ... I can never be again. Is Integraty, Faith, and Loyalty gone? I am at peace now ... But Still ... at what cost? I can only go on ... on in life ... once more ... losing all ... Maybe one day ... some where ... all my stuggles , all the pain, the hatred and in-justice will be for something... I can't beilve in a world in which those who strive to be something more and succeed are Judged by those who don't understand or care about your plight ... only that they see who you were and refuse to see the pain they are causeing you . You can change who you are, but you can never change who you were ... The cruelest of all Judgments.
those who are cruely treated learn cruelty ... and the cycle will never
end. Violence is Unattractive ... that Kindess and the effort to be kind is
special. That those who try to break the cycle of hate and violcence arn't
fighting a futile cause. That The stuggle need not be in vain ... or alone.
That Hope for love and kindness is not a dream ... but a reality. Those with
the courage to go through the pain and suffering to heal, are Truly
hero's...They are in our Society. They should be encouraged and their pain
Acknowleged
A hard battle is going to the first job interview. Facing the nervousness, being oneself, speaking up. a hard battle is falling desprately in love with a housemate. talking all night. holding her close when she's fought with her sisters. hearing her talk about how much she wants a girlfriend. spending hours in the middle of the night doing reiki together and then recovering cuddled on the couch, doing tarot so closely and intensely we both cry over the truths. showing her my scars. helping her eat when she can't cope. being told I make such a wonderful twin sister. -Miranda A hard battle is the end of a first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It didn't matter for me how prepared I thought I was before. Its still... there... a hardship. Loneliness. Rejection. Fear. Confusion. Anger. Love. Forgiveness. Hatred. Acceptance. A hard battle is losing someone you really really really love because they've decided that they don't want to be with you anymore. It's even harder when the other people you love and respect around you are friends with the person you just lost, and can't understand what it's like, and therefore they believe lies instead of truths. It's hard when you want to cry all the time but after a while it seems useless. It's hard to know that you've told someone all of your truths and they took it like candy, allowing it to become nothing. It's hard when they take the fact that your emotions are close to the surface and not buried deep within denial and apathy; and justify their actions by assuming that all of this means your emotions are commonplace and it doesn't matter if you're hurt or not because you're hurt a lot anyway. -jennyrose
---A hard battle is watching all your angel-friends drown in blood and tears, realizing all the love you have in your heart can't save them from how they feel about themselves. Realizing that they're bleeding (literally and figuratively) and you can't stop it. Trying to help them realize they can fly, but watching them stay grounded, stay unhappy.
a hard battle is listening to people I really respect making fun of people who self injure, and just sitting silent pulling my sleeves down further. knowing if they saw they'd look sorry, concerned, and giggle at the drama queen when I left.
a hard battle is trying to work closely with people who not only don't understand who you are, but don't really care to find out. A hard battle is knowing who you want to spend the rest of your life with, but being prevented from being with that person... and not being able to share your elation with others, because no one (not even your family) can understand how it is that a 16 yr. old and an 18 yr. old, living a thousand miles apart, can be "together" and sure that they are in love with each other. A hard battle is hearing 3 months after the fact that your best friend had been raped, and would find out soon whether or not she was HIV positive. a hard battle is learning who you really are, then going out and accurately portraying that person to the world.
a hard battle is opening up to a friend for the first time. a hard battle is trusting someone. a hard battle is trusting yourself. a hard battle is loving someone even when you don't like them very much. a hard battle is trying not to hate yourself, and mostly failing. a hard battle is giving up. a hard battle is losing a friend who you thought was your closest friend until they betrayed you. a hard battle is anorexia. a hard battle is having to pretend like everything is fine. when really it isn't. and feeling ignored. and having to be the strong one while being the youngest one in the family. and living in the dark. and trying to help. and having good days for awhile and occasionaly a sudden and unexpected sad and depressing one. and feeling alone, all the time. having no one to understand and understand back but yourself. and being tired of it. -Mari (embarrased for posting this)
A hard battle is being your own parent.... making sure you eat right every day so you don't starve yourself, making sure you keep yourself happy so you don't fall into a depression for the third time in six months, trying to take on the world but making sure you can handle what it throws at you, keeping your friendships honest without being a load for others to carry, trying to find a home you want to spend the rest of your life in.... A hard battle is regret, the realization that your words and actions do have consequences. The realization that your relationships with others can smash to pieces, sometimes with one sentance you utter. A hard battle is watching the guilt taking you over, to the point of literally bleeding from it, wanting to hurt yourself more badly than you hurt someone else. A hard battle is to learn to forgive someone, not for their sake but for your own well-being. A hard battle is to accept your body as it is, even though you don't want to. A hard battle is to let go of the control sometimes, and letting yourself not be perfect, despite the fact, you only feel comfortable if you are the best. It is a hard battle, when you hate yourself so much, and you have to fight not to let the depression win everyday. -Gennie
A hard battle is a battle that is with yourself and no one else. I think life is a hard battle- and there is a whole lot of bullshit we all go through, and alot of us let it get us down ( me included) but you have to live your life for the couple good things.... I think being yourself, Loving yourself, Loving someone else, Not pretending, Being honest, Lying, Working, Not knowing, I think these are all hard battles- but we'll all get through them... love rachel A hard battle... I fell in love in 8th grade... She was beautiful. I adored her from first sight. We talked for hours the very first day we met... I've always felt that we were in almost exactly the same mental plain that day... and have gone down entirely different paths since. She was depressed, suicidal, niccoteen adict, part time bolimic, on riddlin... snorting it more often than not, ...thought of as innocent. All that I knew before I fell in love with her. ...I finally admited I was in love with her, to myself and to her, a few weeks after she got out of the hospital... one week in a normal hospital, one week in a mental hospital. She went into the normal hospital for heart problems... oh, and did I mention athsma... She had almost the same world view as me... but she was forced to put up with it on a daily basis. I gave her the TLH, but her parents suck. She's one of the nicest, well-meaning people I've ever known, though she would make a better vampire than probably any one else I've ever met. She rejected me when I told her of my love... but she did it so gently that I didn't even think to use that word for days. We stayed friends... I backed off, tried to "get over" her... claimed I had... even to myself. The years passed by, she had boyfriends, whos relationships with her were to short and mindless for me to envy, she did more drugs, did more drinking, but eventually quit smoking ciggarets and stopped being suicidal. She told me at some point that she'd been raped when she was 7. I was in shock perhaps, but not surprized. We were good friends, never as close as I wished, but good friends none the less... once a year or so I would tell her I loved her, and she would get uncomfortable. That time last year she told me she opriciated it but she couldn't say she returned it because she didn't know what love was. This summer I took it too far.. almost kissed her... let too much show. she lost her patience and yelled at me that night, over e-mail. we both left for a week and didn't talk again for a month... then we didn't see eachother for another month. Finally I saw her again... last wednesday... she was packing for college.. to leave the next morning. We'll never live three blocks away again. We talked for hours... everything was back to normal. We're good friends. But I've gotten better friends and lovers... I have this immence love for this girl, but I can hardly be near her anymore, because it seems like all I have is this love... no substance to go with it... no real depth, unless memories count. In a way, the love I have for her is entirely out of place, because she never asked for it, never really earned it, never even really wanted it, and doesn't truely understand it. Or so she would say... *sigh* I wanted to save her, show her beauty, show her love. Surtanly she's improved... she has stability now... but she hasn't found happyness, not truely... I don't know if she ever will... maybe when she's divorced and in her mid fourties she'll brakedown competely and start over.... find out what it's like to be alive. But not from me... I can't help her, I don't know if I ever really have. I didn't give her any sappy goodbyes... I didn't tell her "I love you." I told her to call me when she was home on brake. I won't be following her. I won't be e-mailing her. I won't be calling her. She didn't want anymore goodbyes. She didn't want anymore "I love you"s I've lasted longer than any of her other friendships... by more than a year... and yet I felt last week like I couldn't talk because there was too much to say, none of it fit into words, and trying had never done anyone any good. Letting go is a bitch. Letting people you love fight their own hard battles is a bitch. Life's a beach, then you diet. A hard battle is pretending I'm cool and can laugh along when people I think the world of start doing imitations of "those self-pity spaz's" who injure themselves. a hard battle is being looked to to join in, and having to hang onto the cuffs of my sleeves and laugh. a hard battle is not just killing myself right now. -Miranda a hard battle is luving someone so deeply but not being able to give them the affection they feel they need and deserve. A hard battle is when I try so hard to get something together, and others just tear it apart. A hard battle is when I try so hard to please and serve others, but they don't even notice me. A hard battle is when I love someone, but he or she doesn't love me... But its even worse when someone loves me, but I don't love them.
a hard battle is when you're hurting yourself slowly but steadily, and you won't open your eyes, understand what you're doing to yourself - a hard battle is attempting to rise out of your own self-destruction, when no one knows or understands what you've been going through. dealing with problems you've hidden so well, no one knows about about them or suspects they're there. a hard battle is knowing that you can't change the way people live their lives, though god knows you've tried. you can't make people love or hate, think the way you want them to or think for themselves. a hard battle is learning to wear your scars with pride - no matter how ugly or unimportant they may seem. they tell your story, and thats important. its a hard battle, understanding that. A hard battle is when you have to fight it alone after you've just fought a hard battle. It's containing the demons inside myself and being told I'm better and yet not as good a person because I'm male. Every day I hear a reason why women are worse off and yet stronger than men, and it's a hard battle because I could but don't want to fight back. A hard battle is life as a whole, being unloved and everything everyone above has said. Everythings hard, the hardest battle is fighting it silently. -Spike
Thank you so much, that is one of the most intelligent things I've ever heard. You gave me something to think about, and I thank you for allowing me to peer inside femininity. You are the first women I have spoken to who has understand at some level what /masculinity/ is. That seems to have become a rare gift. I hope we can talk more sometime. -Spike Spike: MascuLinity -Zen fighting a hard battle is losing those you love. walking away when you know you have to. doing what's right for you & not what will cause the least amount of pain for everyone else. fighting a hard battle is wanting to be a new person, a person who would probably be more messed up than you are. a hard battle is wanting to stand alone, nobody supporting you, nobody being able to touch you. a hard battle is wanting to be anywhere except where you are. a hard battle is feeling guilty because of a way you're feeling. a hard battle is losing you. glitterpixie [1] What community, may I ask? (Ari)
A hard battle is when you love your dad SO much that it hurts, and then having him tell you, "You don't come first, my NEW family does". A hard battle is when you might lose your house because your grandfather doesn't care whether you have somewhere to live or not. A hard battle is not knowing if something terrible has happened to you, and always scared to find out if it did. A hard battle is when you start telling yourself, "stop crying, it doesn't do any good", and then when you really need to cry, you have nobody to cry with. A hard battle is when you ask yourself, "why was i born?". A hard battle is trying to get through the day without arguing with your mom about whether you love your dad or not, and if it's ok to love him. A hard battle is when the man you love as your dad doesn't love you as his daughter. A hard battle is finding out that life doesn't go the way you had always hoped it would, and finding out that "what goes around DOESN'T always come around" to the people who deserve it. A hard battle is knowing that what ever you do, however much you try, no matter how much you love, and pray, a person cannot always be changed by your love. Thank you so much for having this page where i can write and get this all out. ~Snow~ (i can't believe i just signed my name) A hard battle is looking down into a hospital bed, like they are in the dream, only it's life and your father is lying on it, looking very thin, and you can't cry in front of him because you just can't, and going home and trying to forget it all, and calling a friend, and her not being there, and she's your only friend dammit, and staring up at the ceiling wishing that you could feel nothing but unbridled love for this person that is so instrumental in your life, and realising that you can't, that he can't die now, that you have a whole lifetime of stuff to work out with him, a hard battle is wanting to run away from home, to feel the wind in your hair and shave it all off, to stay at boy's houses, because in your new world no one cares, and wondering if your mother will ever be grown up enough for you to do all that, and thinking, no she probably won't. But waking up after a beautiful dream and realising that you have people you love, and haven't told them, because you don't know how, you don't know why, and you'd probably muddle the whole thing, realising that the world doesn't care if you live or die, baby that is war. ~Wind 7-22 A hard battle is trying to be special. Fearing that I'm not, realizing my insignifigance in the universe. That horrible things happen to the Earth and to Humans and that I, alone, am powerless to stop it. A hard battle is wanting to be loved but unable to reach out and ask. Knowing that independence often carries the burden of loneliness. A hard battle is being second-best. A hard battle is paranoia. Thinking that people laugh at my behind my back, that they talk about how clueless and stupid I am. And then the fear that they don't even know I exist. Which is worse? Not trusting people enough, and then trusting too much and for the wrong people. A hard battle is learning how to be needed without being manipulated. A hard battle is saying something and not being heard, being interrupted, and feeling stupid for trying. A hard battle is people who talk and talk to each other and ignore your existance, even if you're right under their nose. A hard battle is being small and feeling like a squashed bug. A hard battle is depression. A hard battle is trying to convince my family that something is wrong when I'm miserable for half the year. Unhappy, and still acting like the proverbial clown. Being the entertainer and realizing that few people think that there's anything beyond the wit. Or who even want to think there is. A hard battle is putting on a show of confidence because "self-deprecating people push other people away from them". A hard battle is being addicted to pain. To blood. A hard battle is knowing that I am the only one who can be strong for me, and that you are the only one who can be strong for you.
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Mike
