Describe HeathersPenScratchings here. i -fear-
there i let you in on it.
i -fear- finding who i am now
i -fear- stop signs and being a looser
i -fear- so then i don't have to -laugh- with love anymore
i -laugh- there you knew i did
i -laugh- at the plastic rappers floating down the street
i -laugh- at the coffee stains on my new shirt
i -laugh- so then i wont -cry- anymore
i -cry-
there you felt it
i -cry- at all the weird looks and painful whispers
i -cry- at the beauty in the mirror on the wall. if only she was real
i -cry- so i can't hear over my -screams-
i -scream-
there you heard it
i -scream- so people will rush over if only to leave right away
i -scream- to break the silent once again
i -scream- so people can't see my hidden -hate-
i -hate-
there you know the bitter me now
i -hate- black clouds and computers
i -hate- what you think of me
i -hate- people that i -love-
i -love-
there you now know
i -love- loving people
i -love- the dark me even when i spook people
i -love- you because it numbs the -fear- of hating you
-Start Over with fear- see? it never ends.. cool eh? tell me what you
guys
think. you know me i love feadback --Heather
wow! I really like that heather. ~love you~ Jadzia
Heather, thats amazing. You are such an inpiring person.
I love you. -Abbi this is on the self harm page but i like the poem, it explains a lot written the start of november 2001 i cut to remember
i bleed to forget.
i cut for a new life that i'll never get
i cut for last week
when i was a knotty girl
now im just a broken dall
now im just a shattered peril.
i slash my wrist because it feels good
i love those soft kisses across my skin
i can draw pretty pictures there with my pin
i cut
yes i know im such a bitch
i hate myself
is that a glitch?
i bleed for last week
when i was just a little girl
i bleed for this week when im going to be a shattered peril
i bleed for yesterday when i wasnt so fucking scarred
now im left to wonder does anyone care?
written the 8th of november 2001 i remember the way his hair moved in the wind,
i remember the way she read her poetry with every word like a work of
art.
i remember his paintings drying in the sun,
i remember there lips calling and chanting the same songs.
i remember her hips swaying with me in the swing set,
i remember the way his hands pressed into my tense back.
i remember the smell of her freshly dyed hair
well she frying breakfast eggs.
do you remember
that shy little girl
no one looked at?
she was the one with the note book and pen always in hand
sitting off near the bridge under the dewdrop tree trunk.
every detail of her face is burnt into my mind.
she was everyone there in one person.
she was the dancer of a thousand stars the night after a good cry,
she was the lips everyone wants to kiss,
she was the ears always there to lesion
she was the arms ready for hugs,
she was the footsteps that fell into mine
for she was my shadow.
im lost in the love of loving you
things would be so much easyer
if only you loved back.
little girls in the thong underwear pass me with there red lips
big boys on there scateboards greet me at the stop sing
yet i still don't bat an eyelash.
i miss you with my mind and soul.
your kisses are still stained on my toung,
your hands are still planted on my hips,
your soul is still conneteted to mine,
i use to be hole thomas.
i use to be happy with healed wrists.
now im just some bitch who does not frown,
does not move,
does not smile,
does not walk.
love me damn it.
im begging you.
im lost in the trap of loving you
if only you where here too.
written sept 12 your voice is burnt into my mind now
your fingernails are still dug in deep into my soul
your first kiss is still planted on my lips
i hate to go and break up the party
but i have a 45 minuet phone card thats almost all gone
why does it seem like those last few minuets went so quick?
it reminds me of our last few days
together under the moonlight in your back yard
your voice is burnt into my mind still
i can't seem to scream it out
no matter how loud i cry
your fingernails are still dug in deep into my soul
i can't seem to rip them out
i love it yet i hate it so
your first kiss is still planted on my lips
i want to saver it like the best chocolet ever
yet it keeps melting in my mouth just a little to fast
i have another minuet left on the phone with you
it seems that the 45 minuets went quick
just 60 sweet seconds then "click"
"i love you"
where my last words
that fell outta my month
then my sad words and inner tears fell
my words wept from my mouth
my inner tears yelled in my eyes
why do i do this over and over?
its just the same damn train trip over my brokon soul
your voice is burnt into my mind still
ive tryed to let it go
but it's blisters are too burnt on to scrap off now
your fingernails are still dug in deep into my soul
i keep kicking it off
but it keeps biting on harder and harder
your first kiss is still planted on my lips
with that chocolet feel thats almost gone
as least my last words to you where
"i love you"
written somtime in october about some....boy now gone (oh well its still a nice poem) i swear my life is a fucking love poem
just a sappy love poem before it was droped shattered and left to rot.
i swear i'll find "mr or miz right" some day
im sure she'll fine my unshaven legs and armpits sexy, im sure she'd
find
my silky purple hair tight my wooly socks and the way i nibble my pens
cute.
im sure he'll sing me lullbye good night kiss me at 4am hold me like
he'd
never let me go and read the vagina monologs with me.
im sure id love her as much as i love him.
but hell im still a bright eyed 15 year old with a glow. i still have a
lot
to learn about boys and girls. hell -i- don't know anything about love
after
all
all my love looks like is lipstick marks on pictures still sitting in
the
letter waiting to be sent
all my love is sappy love tears after a phone call
sleepless nights that faid into blury days
and those god damn dreams that are so real i could almost french back
untill i fell awake.
i hope my life doesnt look like some love song that does not end
i hope that some day soon ill have a pritty girl to sing it to.
i hope life will hand me down a nice boy to tage along to humm my song
everything will work out fine.
you know where to find me beautiful people.
under the full moon light silver ink stoped in mid stroke about to end
this
fucken love song with another one coming out of my mouth onto paper
written november 11 This ones for the laughing cheerleaders before they were about to fall off there high horse. This ones for people who don't swear in there writing but cry the words "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" in there salty tears. This ones for the men who actually cry because they aren't afraid of what i will think. This ones for the woman who can rough it out even when it's tuff like sand paper. This ones for the man at the store who actually cared.
This ones for the giggly girls and the skater boys
This ones for the people who fuck with genders.
This ones for rainbow triangular, bisexuals, gays, lesbians, and
"fucken dike" screamed across the subway system. This ones for fucker that called me a fucker.
This ones for Walmart, Kmart, Calirs and Leshato trying to sell
people shirts one size to small. This ones for the father i never, had words i never wrote down, and the girl that said "enjoy your pants" to me today. This ones for those big brown eyes that are so far off now and my own untuchable face. This ones for Ani Difranco, Alex Olson and those people that DARE? to be GAY?. This ones for my neese i'll never meet, my grampa i never huged, and the time i forgot to say i love you. This ones for the loud mouth on the buss who i could tell had been messed over by someone with something. This ones for the purple haired girl that steeped off the bus and called "thank you" to the buss driver. This ones for my unsent letters, old kisses and sprained heart.
This ones for the people who doodle naked people in there
notebook in public. This ones for the people who fake it and make it
This ones for my dream i have when i can say im gay and no
one will stare my soft eyes hard. This ones for the dream i have when people will say the words sex, masturbation, vagina, peanus and virgin in public. This ones for my dreamy dreams and the fact -i take up space- written november 11 at 1:38am after babysiting and taking the subway home ohmygod! That is so perfect! I love you heather darling! yourfran As i lower my eyes,
Wishing i could cry more and care less,
Yeah i know stupid fool i am,
Thinking i could get over you so fast ....
When i can't get you outta my thoughs dreams and wishes.
As i rase my lips,
Thinking about kissing you more and missing you less
My heart starts to thump faster but then i remember,
You washed away my stained kisses,
so i stoped dead in my tracks.
As i lower my head,
praying that my brain would stop screaming at me.
Yes i know damn it.
Stupid bitch i am,
To try to love again well still thinking about you.
Yes i know,
Stupid dreamer i am
To try and and beleve that we actualy had a chance.
Yes i know,
Stupid writer i am,
To try to write your cold feelings away
i too am just anothered failed love poem
i too shattered.
But it's fine time for you and the rist of this country realized
i aint no bitch who does not frown (written november 21 thinking about past loved ones) i wrote this one the mairthon page but i liked it so its on here too Look at my eyes,
I'm crying.
look at my soul,
I'm breaking.
look around,
I'm suffering.
Look into my soul and say
that you hate my oppions one more time and
so help me goddess,
I will kick your teeth in
one by one.
I'm sick of having you tell me how GAY I should be.
I'm tired of fashion girls telling me that I should
"Eat less and Smile more" even when I'm -pissed-.
But most of all
I'm annoyed at Wal-mart K-mart Clairs and Zeller
trying to sell people shit one size to small.
I say I'm not angry because
I'm just jaded. writen november 24 after acting class and normal people and telling
someone im
bi. i woundre if he'll speek to me again..
i wear it like a fashion girl wears lipstick. i crave it like a druggy craves drugs. i do it like i don't care cuz i simply don't. i wear it on my wrist
to show where i've been
where i'm going
and how low i've actually gone.
i don't cover it up because,
i am at peace
with the fact that i sometimes hate myself.
i show my cuts simply because
i refuse to pretend that i'm someone i'm not.
i am not proud of my scares and i do not brag.
cutting is an addition and more people should see it as that.
i'm not doing this to hurt you,
in fact it has nothing to do with you.
i'm doing this because every heroes have the right to bleed. written november 25 after trying to define why i cut sometimes. No Need Theres no need to be worried,
this is just who i am.
I've been donig this song and dance forever,
Theres no need to turn away your eyes now
i know you cry sometimes.
Theres no need to hide your wrists,
after all
i do it too.
Theres no need to turn your head and run,
i know you wanna stay just as much as i wanna live.
It's ok.
I know what your thinking.
"Poor little lamechop, never had a good grounding."
"Poor little angeling, never ate enough of her 9th birthday."
"Poor little barbieface, never finshed words still fresh on her toung
'fuck
the fucker who calls himself papa.'"
I know what your thinking now too
and your right.
You could tell i wasnt really smiling when she wrote THAT poem.
poasted dec 1st when push comes to shove Don't ask me why I'm crying
I'm not gunna tell you what's wrong
you wouldn't understand any ways.
What do you know about bloody tears falling off your cheeks?
What do you know about lovers who's eyes you've only seen though
pictures?
What do you know about 'I love you' scars carved on your arm?
Don't ask me why I'm crying,
you wouldn't want to hear it this way.
I miss him.
There I said it.
Hate it if you must but
I miss him still.
He was never afraid of me or anyone else,
in other words he wasn't afraid of himself.
In times like these I wonder why,
we broke what we had.
Don't ask me why I'm crying,
my tears don't seem real enough for your eyes.
Don't tell me that you love me,
because I know it aint true.
Don't tell me that I shouldn't be crying cry,
I know what I should or shouldn't do.
Don't tell me that he was only a crush,
you weren't there.
Don't ask me why I'm crying,
I'm not gunna tell you what's wrong.
You wouldn't want to hear it
when push comes to shove.
written at 11:42 on my birthday dec 3ed
Your face is so untuchable I can't even see it.
You wince away at every pair of eyes
that can see past your makup.
You know just like the rist of us
that underneath your sleves
theres a person that makeup isn't making.
But Even
When I wonder to myself
I still know that if I kept faith in tomorow
I'd be scaired to see you
when you snap like a twig.
writen november 29thish 991
As I cling to the familiar voice
so lost in my ears now
"it's best this way"
I tell my sobbing eyes.
I would of gotten stung any ways.
We where falling and this was the final smack
onto the cement and it scars me awake.
Never ever,
would I love again until you heal my swollen head.
I said from the start
the miles won't kill me
but I only realized that it wasn't true
as the knifes sunk into my flesh.
This is just the easy street on my way home
but I can't help but stop and wonder
under your sleeping bed
who do you dream with now? december 5 the crack on the concrete floor
scares me awake
i've got too much on my shoulders
i've got too much at stake.
i have my boyfriends first kiss
still plain in my tong.
i wish up to this moment
i could slotted his love.
when i tried, it branded me
with 27 lashes saying:
"dream on fucker
maybe next week."
my scars are scattered access my body.
what a hero i am
i can't save anyone
or even myself.
i can't save you
i can not save myself.
i can't even save me tonight.
i'm just another hero
who can't save themselves.
december 6th Behind blue eyes
and past my lips
into my soul
and out of my long sleaved shirts
theres a woman that
makup isnt making.
Over the speeker system
in through the pipes
and out onto the tile floor
theres my story thats begging to be heard.
Through cheerleaders
starving flesh
past there held up 17 magazines
theres my eyes
starving to see more
of my hidden past.
Past death thoughs and picked flowers
into love poetry and out through hate notes
theres people crying
under there hidden smile
Heather dec 9th if i could only saying
"fuck you" more and "i miss you" less
to those soft blue green eyes
i've stared at before in pictures
and when i was first born.
the fact is daddy doesn't care anymore.
the fact is i fear
if only i could of ancered his question
"but why?" as he traced my scars
up and down my arm
with a slight gleam of care and fear
for my well being
all captured in his 70 year old eyes
it made me want to cry.
the fact is i don't know the ancer to my scars.
the face is i still love it
if only i could tell you the right words
to make the going go easier.
if i could i'd take away the sorrow and pain
life has tossed into your arms but i can't.
if i could scoop you up and paint you a poem
of how much i love you and how much i truly care
i would in a snap
but the fact is my words are most powerful when you can't see
them and my pens are broken if only my poetry was just a little less
true
powerful
and real
then maybe i could make you smile instead of cry.
maybe next time you'll finsh my pen smudgings
because now you know the truth that
i am HUMAN and i TAKE UP SPACE dec10th I want you to know deep deep down i love you no matter where you hide. but i know sometimes you won't beleve me no matter what my poetry says I want somone to SCREAM untill it's funny and twist me up in knots then say the truth about me and where i hid last night but i know i don't really want you to because i to am afraid somtimes. I want you to stop hurting yourself for the winter season but i know you need to stop for yourself not because i told you to or the snow has fallen into christmas I want you to stop living my annerixic, burning, cutting, hating myself past because i got out by the skin of my teeth but i know i can't stop you no matter how bad i want to I want you to email me when you feel unloved let me mummy you sometimes but also talk to me when your happy so i know you somtimes smile but i know somtimes you don't think you need me mummying you and your mostly happy I want you to not be afraid and give your brothor/sister/mom/dad a hug they won't bite you. i promse but most of all i want you to love yourself because it's the
right
thing to DO not because i wrote it the way i write things.
i want somone to say this to me somtimes
where were you last night when the angels called you?
even when you don't beleve us we still love you ever so much. if only this was a little less true then maybe i'd smile Heather in one of them moods attenion shoppers
attention blemic cheerleaders
depressed clowens
sad poets
underpayed dentests
overbairing mothers
hybersensetf babysiters and
dead beat daddys
attention new born babys
unschoolers
homofobic grannys
trane grandpas
glairing eyes
and homosexual ginnypigs
do you know where your eyes don't go? where eyes long to linger and crall up my thy's
where eyes glide down and tuch my tailboan and long to look
deeper i know theyd go down farther but
here is where your eyes dont go
your eyes never have seen my tear stained face
staring at daddy pot pipe.
your eyes never have seen my three am thoughts
of what ways i should end all egsisents.
your eyes will never see my plate full of food
be tossed away down the sink.
your eyes fail to notice how i hated myself and
why i wore long sleves last month.
your eyes won't go is back into my soul
your eyes don't really want to see my burnt soul, sliced up
hands and arms. your eyes fail to notice that my loving is a meircal
my poetry is true
i'm willing to fight and
regain my annerixic pounds.
behind my blue green eyes where red lines scream out where ive
hid theres a GODDESS? makup isnt making Heather december 11 Dear Daddy
I wanted to thank you
for all the times you didn't say you loved me
all the times you didn't say i was beautiful
all the times you told me to not cry
all the times you didn't lesson to me
all the times you where drunk and drove me home
for all the unhappy times you used me and fucked me over and over
for all the time you spent with me and the other lady i have thought
about
it and i think your DEAD inside
i would like to say
fuck you
with every inch of my loving caring heart
i know you feel something for me but i don't know what,
i know you don't care (so its probably not love)
i can see it in your eyes
i can see it is your white hair
i can see it every night you fuck around
if you really where here for me
you would hug me and say your there for me
you would stop smoking pot
and wake up the hell up
you would say your sorry for hurting me
but i know that your not
and i know that you never will
then just maybe you would care and have feelings
but you don't and
i know you wont and
i know that im just dreaming and
i know that when i call you next time and hear someone's
else's voice that it was a dream and your still a careless fucker and
i
know it
but you cant stop a girl from trying
so daddy tonight well your busy fucking around
i want you to know that im happyer without a daddy
i am not stronger and braver
so really
thank you
but daddy
why did you hafto run me over and take my heart?
written somtimes last year i have yet to send it to my father but
when i was about
to i burnt the letter.
heather angle. i've read this poem many times since you sent it
to me a year
ago. and know what? it still makes me cry. you have magic with
words. the
magic i'm searching for. i haven't talked to you since camp. i'll
write to you. i
love you infinity. your franny
i've had to clime over cliffs
to feed my soul
anything
even if its just a bit of bread i wouldn't eat.
i've learned to smile pritty
and then watch myself fail
when i turned out to be
some bitch who didn't frown
i've scaired myself awake
so maney time that
now my sleepless nights
run into sleepless days.
i have gone a long long ways
without your eyes cheering me on
now they are
and i don't know where to look
i've come a long long ways altogether
without you holding my hand.
i've seen a lot of sorrow pain and dispair
with no one to dry my tears.
i've climed mountans
you can only marvle at.
i've kissed deaths soft rose lips
when you can't make it to her eyes.
i've come a long long ways altogether
through the hard times and the good.
i need to celerbrate this baby.
i should praze it like it's mine.
i want to shower it in my dried blood,
because i'm ready to fly.
december 22 1023
goddamn my smiling face
what right do i have to smile
when all i can do is watch
your boans
sinking
underneeth
your
waight.
what right do i have
to frown
when i look into your
ink splattered poetry
and see mama beating you.
what the fucks the matter with the human race?
our hole planet's at arms langth
we don't deserve this place.
come over here bitch
let me teach you what's real.
December 23
dance like ones watching,
love like you've never been hurt
sing with all the voices around you
then hold our hands as we work for peace
december 23NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 1 times, last edited on January 25, 2002 by calluna@nbtsc.org. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
