Describe JokEs here. You know those times at camp and other places when people just randomly sit around and tell jokes? Well I've just been in a couple situations where I really wish I could have remembered some jokes that people were telling at camp so here's a place to post them all... Thanx! -Susannah Q. What do you use to mend a broken jack-o-lantern? A. A pumpkin patch! Q. How many G.E. executives does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None. If you wait long enough, the lightbulb will change itself! a joke which may be funnier if you're from upstate NY. G.E. has been inundating us with ads saying that they don't need to dredge the river because "the river is capable of cleaning up itself". i hope they choke on their own PCBs. This rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes back into the street and asks a passer-by to tie a knot in him and sort of shred his ends a little bit. He goes back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, didn't I see you in here just a minute ago? I told you we don't serve ropes!" The rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot!" A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, the devil tells him he has three choices for how to spend the rest of eternity. So the man walks down this long corridor and looks into a door labeled "1." Inside, there are a bunch of people standing on their heads on rocks. They're all moaning in pain & it's all very unpleasant. Door number 2 reveals once again a bunch of people standing on their heads on diamonds, which is much more painful. Door number 3 however, has a bunch of people standing up to their knees in shit, holding a cup of coffee and a muffin! The shit is obviously a small price to pay for this relaxed eternity, and the man tells the devil he'll take the third choice. Inside, he gets coffee and a muffin, but before he can start eating the devil says, "Ok everyone, coffee break is over! Back on your heads!" -borrowed from the zine Eyecandy. typed by your's truly, Katelet Q: What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A: A dog who bites your face off and then runs for help. Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: No one knows! As soon as the light goes on, they scatter! [4] Q: Why is Gore jealous of Clinton? A: 'Cause Clinton got Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, and Gore can't even get a hand count. *snickers* ok... that's the ONLY election joke I'm putting on here. Really. Q: Why'd the blonde stop breastfeeding? A: 'Cause she ran out of nipples, and it hurt too much to boil them. So this blonde was at a bar, and these guys are making fun of her. So she goes up to them and says "Like, you, like, think all blondes are, like, stupid, don't you? Well, like, we aren't!" so one guys says "allright. then what's the capital of California?" And she thinks and thinks and thinks... and she can't get the answer. So she goes home and studies and studies and studies until she falls asleep. The next day, she goes back to the bar, and the same guys are there, and she goes up to them, and says "So there. The capital of California is..." and she pauses to give them time to react, and proudly announces her finding. "the answer is 'c'" So the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Bucaneers are going to form a merger team, called the TamPacks. But, see, I don't think they're going to be any good, because they're only good for one period, and they've got no second string. Ole and Lena are on their way back from their 25th wedding anniversary, and all of a sudden, Ole smacks Lena. "ole... what'd you hit me for, then?" asks Lena... and he says "That's for 25 years of bad sex." Lena says "oh" and sits there, watching the scenery go by for a few minutes. Then all of a sudden, she punches Ole in the gut and says "That's for knowing the difference." Okay... this is really offensive, but I don't care, 'cause it's funny. So these three nuns are standing around and talking. The first one says to the other two "Do you know what I found while cleaning the Father's office two days ago? Dirty magazines!!" and the second one says "Well, what did you do with them?" and the first one says "Why, I threw them away, of course!" and the second one says "yeah, well, that's nothing. Do you know what I found? A huge box of condoms!" and the first one gasps and says "Whatever did you do with them?" and the second one says "I poked holes in all of them!" and the third one, who has been silent this entire time, says "Oh, shit." Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job? A: after 10 years, a job still sucks. hehehehehehehe So Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce, and they're in court. The judge asks Mickey why he's divorcing Minnie, and he says "Are you crazy? She's fuckin' goofy!" And the judge looks at him and says "what?!? You're divorcing her because she's crazy?" and Mickey looks at him and says "No... I said she's fucking goofy!" That's about it for my bad jokes. I'll put more up as I remember them. -JessicaSkater
So, this Buddhist goes up to a hotdog cart. He says, "Can you make me one with everything?"[1] ... The vendor doesn't reply, but calmly makes the hotdog. He hands it to the Buddhist, who hands him a twenty in exchange "How many feminists does it take to chaange a lightbulb?" "That's not funny!" Q:how do you get a blond out of a tree? A:wave to her!! Q: how do confuse a blond? A: put her in a round room and tell her to go and sit in the corner! Q:how does a blond confuse you? A:she comes back and tells you that she did it! Heather
OK. Theres two guys drinking in a bar on the top StorRy of a very tall building. They are by now thouroghly drunk. One guy says to the other 'Did you know that the wind around this building will let you jump out this window and come back in the one one the 10th floor?' The other guy says 'no way'. So the first guy says ' I'll bet you 5 bucks I can do it'. So the 2nd guy says 'sure. You're on' So the first guy walks to the window opens it and jumps out. He falls straight down and into the window on the 10th floor. He takes the elevator back up to the bar and the other guy is like 'wow!' heres you're five bucks man! now I'm gonna try. So he goes to the window and jumps out. He falls straight down, passes the 10th floor and SMACK right in to the sidewalk. The bar tender looks at the first guy and says 'Superman, you are MEAN when you're drunk'.
Didn't hear it at camp, heard it at NYU, but it's a good one. Two (straight) brooms were about to get married. The day before the wedding, the bride took the groom aside and told him she was expecting a little whisk broom. "But how can this be?" the groom exclaimed. "We've never swept together!" A large ship hits some rocks and sinks. One man finds himself stranded on a tropical island. He spends a few months walking around, eating whatever plants he can find and sleeping under a pile of branches. Finally one day he sees a lady on a raft row up to the shore. Its someone else from the same ship... "hey! I didn't know there was anyone else on the island.." the lady says. She invites the excited man onto her raft and rows him around the section of the island where she has been living. She's got this nice treehouse set up, with several different rooms built on different trees, connected by little bridges... she shows him into one of the rooms... the guy is just amazed... "how'd you get all this stuff?" he asks... she explains that while he was sitting around hopeless she was busy working and made it all. She shows him into her little washroom where she's got a woven basket full of water, and a blade, which she says he can use to shave and tidy up while she goes and changes. She comes back in a while dressed in a few skimpy vines and skins... shows him into a room where the floor is all covered in furs and matts, sits down and rather seductively whispers... "isn't there anything you've wanted to do all this time you've been stuck here on this island...? Wouldn't you like to do it now...?" "What?!" the man asks, "you mean I can check email here?!"
These two programmers are talking one day during a coffee break. One says "I had the strangest expirience on the way to work today. This woman on a bicycle rode up to me, jumped off the bike, tore off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second programmer says "Wow. So what did you do?" The first programmer says "Oh, I took the bicycle." The second programmer says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit." --marina This guy is walking along the street, and he sees an old bottle. He picks it up out of boredom, uncorks it, and out pops a genie! "Greetings, Master," the genie says. "You have released me, so I will grant you three wishes." The guy's pretty amazed, and he starts thinking about what he wants. "Well, I've always wanted one of those expensive red convertibles...I wish for one of those!" he says, and *poof!* He's sitting in a shiny new car. He thinks some more, wishes for a beautiful woman, and *poof!* This gorgeous woman's sitting in the other seat, smiling at him. He thinks about what he wants to use his last wish for, but can't decide, so he turns on the car's radio. The song they were playing ends, and they go to a commercial break. He knows the jingle, so he starts singing along. "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner!" What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? "*whack* Fuck." "Fuck. *whack*"
-moth
Did you hear about the paparazzi photographer with the heart of gold? He stole it from Princess Di as she lay dying in her car wreck. So I'm gonna inflict more Ole and Lena Jokes- Von day Ole vas sitting on da porch reading de news paper, ven he says to Lena "I see der looking for a new Deputy down at da police department." Vell Lena she says "Vell den, vy dontcha get off your lazy ass and go down and apply for da job?" and Ole he says "I tink I might just do dat." So Ole he goes down to da police staion and he says "I'm here to apply for da job you had advertised in da paper" And the deputy on duty he says "Vell Ole, der are a few qvestions ve need to ask you. First, vat is von plus von?" Vell Ole he tinks about it for a vile and he says " I tink de anser is two." "Very Goot Ole." says da officer, now vat color vas Napolions Vite Horse?" vell Ole he tinks about it, and he tinks about it some more and he finnley says "it vas vite." Vell de officer he says Very goot. Now der is one more qvestion, but dis von is a little trickier, so if you need to go home and tink about it and come back tomorrow you can do dat. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Vell Ole he tinks about it and he tinks about it some more and he tinks about it a tird time, and finnaly he says "I tink I ned to do dat, go home and study on it more." So Ole he goes home, and Lena she meets him at da door, and she says "Vell? Didja get da job?" and Ole he syas I guess so- De allready got me workin on a murder case." So von day Sven and Ole ver valkin on de nature trail and de come across dis giant hole. Sven he says to Ole "I vonder how deep dat der hole is." Vell Ole he says "Vell Ve could trow a rock down it and find see how long it takes to hit da bottom." So de go and find a rock about da size of Ole's fist and de trow it down da hole, and de listen and de listen some more, but de don't hear it hit bottom, so de go and find another rock about da size of Svens Head and de trow it down da hole. Still de don't hear it hit da bottom. So de go and get a big boulder, so big it takes both of dem just to roll it into de hole- still no sound. Den Sven he says "I tink I saw a rail road tie lying by da side of da trail a little ways back. Vy don't ve try dat?" So de goes and de lugs da rail road tie back and de heaves it into da hole, and de listens and listens and de listens some more, and de don't hear anyting for about a tirty seconds, and den Ole he says "Vait, Vat vas dat?" Dan "Baa Baa" Dis Goat comes running by and Jumps into da hole and dissapears. Sven and Ole de shrug and decide de hole is very deep and de start home. On de way de meets a farmer, and de Fromer he says to dem "Have you boys seen my goat?" Vell Sven he says to da farmer "Veer really sorry, but der is dis really deep hole down da trail a vays, adn we saw a goat come running fuul speed up to and he Jumped right in. der vas nothin ve could do to stop him." And da farmer he says "Oh Dat couldn't have been my goat. My goat vas tied to a rail road tie." You know how it's politically incorect to make jokes about minoritys and other ethnic groups these day. Well the other day I was talking to some friends and we decided we needed a extinct culture to make jokes about, somone who couldn't complain about it when we did... So der were dees two ancient Messopatamians named Sven and Ole.... - Lorin One day this man goes to see a therapist about a problem he's been having at work. "Doctor!" He says "You've got to help me! I think I'm a teepee. No, I'm a pup tent! No, I'm a teepee. No, wait.. I'm a puptent." "You know what your problem is," the doctor replies, "You're two tents." What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch? Frog in a blender -Zen [1] Badoom-chik [2] pa-chang! [3] I like the version where he slpas the guy, then starts danceing around yelling "I got it! I got it!" The vendor says "What? What is it?" The buddist yells "I know the sound of one hand clapping!!" Maybe I just like it better cause I helped make it up... but it has more suppense! :P [4] Yes, yes... I stole this from A Bug's Life. -JessicaSkater [5] That's a GOOD one! hahahaha -Jekissa NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 42 times, last edited on April 1, 2001 by 209.239.202.76. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
the only bill he's got. The vendor sticks it in his pocket and goes about cleaning up his cart. After a moment of fidgeting, the Buddhist asks, "Can I have my change, please?". The vendor replies, "Aaah, change comes from within."
