LONELY

Everyone seems to be lonely a little, in their own special way. Yours?

i'm tired of being lonely ugly stupid vulnerable unstable and not eating. i hate being so vulnerable, anybody could make me cry at any second right now. i always feel so alone and bewildered, watching everybody find other people to be happy with, or to talk to. at camp, lying on the field, in the sun trying to hide my face because i'm too hideous for anybody to look at me. loneliness is this hole inside me that i used to try to fill up with food, but now just let lie there.i don't believe it will ever be truly gone. i keep getting this feeling of completeness, for one second, not even a full second, but it disappears before i can place where it came from. i look into everybody's faces, desperately trying to find myself in their eyes, but all i can see is their beauty and my ugliness. what is wrong with me? i can't answer that. i can just watch, mystified, as i make all these obvious dumb mistakes, and keep letting other people in to hurt me. i want to shut everybody out and not tell them anything because they'll just hate me if they knew what i think, in real life, and how much i hate myself sometimes. hate attracts hate. i am hideous but i can't tell why. see, there i go baring my soul again. somebody shut me up now. Kat or kate, whichever you prefer

i'm sick of feeling like the only person in my life. i'm sick of caring if i'm the only person in my life. i'm sick of knowing i'm not the only person in my life. i'm sick of missing people. i'm sick of standing in the rain and being the only one who enjoys it. i'm sick of singing solo. i'm sick of empty hands and empty words. i'm sick of empty houses. i'm sick of pounding hearts and having no one to run to. i'm sick of this void of inspiration. ~naomi

I'm always lonely. Sometimes, when I'm with my dearest friends, I manage to forget this; still, the fear always lingers that even these friendships will fade away. I spent the greater part of my adolescence without successful human contact...I did strange things to get their attention, and they treated me like a trained monkey, or performing bear. I silently waited for a kindred spirit, and was ignored. It now seems positively unnatural not to be lonely. But, at least now I have people to keep me company in my solitude... ---

• I Understand Completely. There where times when i longed for a Tormentor .. an arch-rival someone To Be with me ... But It also seemed that these were the only people I ever Had human contact with...from my past ... and I wanted none of it anymore.

I figured in my insane mind that only hate relationships last ... that true friendships only last as long as the school year ... or until one (Has no need of me anymore)... now looking back at time times in my life when I was in Solitude ... I rejoyce ... becuase I remember that those where the happyest times in my life. Being free and Un-hurt ... Left to my own devices ... to rot in peace ... I never realised how the Abyss Comforted me when I was alone ... from Sitting in dark rooms for hours looking at nothingness ... and getting mad when My eyes adjusted So that I needed to put another blanket on the Window to blot out the evil light that made me see empyness... when I was in the dark I could imagine I had a wonderful room ... filled with toys and friends ... Peaple to talk to and Friends to play with... and the darkness and the silence kept away the monsters .... some real some imganined ... I was in total bliss untill the foot-steps came towards my room and My door knob turned... But then It all became bliss again. and The darkness was gifted to me. The Darkness was my gift ... Not being able to see my bruses ... the blood on my face ... the Mirror (Which I could no longer stand having in my room) ... Being in total Peace ... knowing that In the darkness nothing I could see nothing ... and that some times In the darkness ... the doorknob never moved ... for my presence was undetectable ... Sometimes I hid in the Closet or during horrible times in the Clothing Dwar in my room (which I broke the Panels out to hide in ... who would look for someone in a Desk Anyway) Sometimes Under the Bed or In the Dryer Worked ... But I grew too tall ... The Attic (in an Apartment .. you know the square attic that is filled with grey fuss and hard to breathe) worked... But then I leared that as I Grew thinner ... that I could Fit into smaller and smaller places ... I hid under the Bathroom sink ... In between the walls ... on the roof If I pleased ... But mostly I stayed in my room in the dark... Staring at nothing ... but seing everything ... dreaming that one day That I could find a bigger blanket (but still one that wouldn't break the Curtain rod) for my window.

Seing What Happened to me With the times that I was not alone ... I rejoyce at the times That I was left alone.

The lonleyness I have now Doesn't seem that Bad anymore... and I have a lock on my door. I am truely at peace ... I only wish I had a bigger blanket.

• I sleep best when I hear the faint breath of my can mate and the laughter in the halls now ... I pray and sleep peacfuly ... I don't neeed to lock the door when I'm in the room anymore ...

I even moved my bed so I can get sunlight shining on it ... Man I was making my self sick that way ... I was skipping school becuase I was sick and lonely and I was sick and lonely becuase I was skipping school and not caring about myself .... When you go to class you get to meet people .... and also you find out that the teacher gives the answers on the tests in those classes ... Man thats so crazy that it feels like cheating ... the profs even give questions on the test from the class itself ... and they've already answered them.

• The new part added March 27/2001

  Boy!!!! Was I ever a poetic Depressive. I can recall why I wrote this ...
I was hoping that some wondeful person would read this and come to my
rescure marry me and take me away to some wonderful peacful place and so
forth. I'm a man , but We have the same feelings as others ... I feel like I
was no different than Cinderella... I had a rough life ... I wanted
something more ... and I wanted to be with someone who protected me, loved
me and set me free.

Instead of asking straight out that I wanted companionship I turned to poetry. Every so often I still wish for Some Princess to come resucue me ... But I realy never said it straight out. From what I can see now from my perspective ... Is a very hurt child who has lost hope in others and From reading this again ... I feel like crying for that child ... it hurts even knowing that that child was me ... and that from time to time I still feel lonely too.

With the Little Bit Of Psychology That I have I know what why I did what I did as a child. The Doorknob referred to the child abuse and neglect that I endured for a very long period of time. This behavior is a noramal reaction to servere Emotional Trama from Execssive and Constant Emotional and Psycholgical Stress ... from the degree I reall Abuse is Barely an sufficent word. In my Judgment I belive Torture to be a more Aprroriate word ... for the act was a deliberate attempt to Psychologicaly harm a child. I was treated no better than a P.O.W. (prisoner of War) at times. I am sickened that this happened to me. I'm upset that I couldn't do anything about it until now. I know that I'm a surivor and That I was only 8 years old and that this was the best that I could do and I understand, but I had wished that there was someone who would come and take me away. (which would explain why I express the desire to be resuced ... even to this day.)

The odd part about the Tormentor I recall I plagerized from Star Trek when Captain Kirk left a Criminal In a Hypnotism machine for too long and his mind emptied. The epsisode when the Inmates in an Asulum take over Planet Arum.

In fact Most of my weird sayings where plagerized and rehashed. I sure hope people can understand that I'm a normal person and that I was trying my best to make myself seem like I was someone I'm not.

I'm going around All of Wiki and Looking at my writings and seing what I can do to translate them so they can be understood. I realy Hope I didn't scare anyone.

P.s. The offer Still Holds with the Being taken away to some wonderful place ... But I'm working on Finals right now, and I need to see if I can rescue myself first before I ask for something that drastic.

Part of My healing process is re-writing the weird Stuff I put on Wiki into English so I can understand myself a little better ... ( and hopefuly learn how to cope with losing friendships from talking weird.)

If you think I'm on the right track feel free to help me out on this.

Joyful-Spirit

Surrounded by people every day that I can relate to in every way except for the one way that matters... you matter but you are thousands of miles away and I hear your stories on the computer screen, but you can't hear my screams when I sign off IRC... ~Eryn (written sometime in May, I think)

 I'll tell you what lonely is. 

Lonely is being in a crowd of people, people you love and admire, and feeling like a piece of dust in the sky. Feeling so small that you could sink through the ground, or disappear into the walls. Feeling invisible, even when your forced, choked laugh is an embarrasment. You always do the following, you always feel wrong. But no one noticed because you have that smile on your face, the way you hold you body easily and talk easily because you don't want to let them know how terrified you are. So terrified because you're sure they don't want you around, like you'd be better off dead because at least you wouldn't be bothering them anymore.

 I closed my eyes, turned up the stairs, and disappeared without
 saying goodbye. It was all in my mind anyway. 

• I can't believe I didn't write that. *hug* to you, kindred spirit O' mine. ~z~
• Wow thankyou... I was just about to erase that, but your comment stopped me and said it's worth keeping up after all ~Eryn
• absolutely!! ~z~