Once Upon A Becky

The rain was pouring down in sheets, driving aganst Becky's window pane with the force of milions. To Becky, it all seemed a dream.. Kat was gone, and what was the point of getting up in the morning to feed cows? Wait a minute...Becky thought sleepily. I don't own cows. Then she remembered with a sickening jolt. She had been taken captive by a handsome but slightly deranged Illinois farmhand. Becky pulled the covers over her head and tried to still her wildly pounding heart. She only hoped that Kat had been able to escape to safety. Adam burst into the room. "Wilma! I'm home!" "My name isn't Wilma." "It is now." Adam threw the covers off Becky's head and smiled largely.

Becky watched, wide-eyed, as Adam swung a backpack around over his head, screeching "WooooHooooo!" at the top of his lungs.

"Um...." she squeeked nervously.

"Oh, sorry. I know how that makes people uncomfortable. I just like saying woohoo so much! It's so fun. Do you ever say woohoo? Probably not much, right? Which is why I kidnapped you...I don't like that word much. Do you? Probably not, right? Kidnapped, I mean, not woohoo. Anyway, you should put this on. It's not very heavy. I made it light for you. Do you like it? I wanted to put a patch on it but oh well." He passed the backpack to her & took a huge gulp of breath. Becky had been starting to wonder if he was going to pass out soon. How convienient that would be, she thought. Must have pretty good diaphram control, she added silently as he started babbling about packing the car...

Sooner than later, Adam had Becky taped to the front seat of his '68 Mustang. Becky found the rope to be quite uncomfortable, and kept trying to complain, but Adam kept saying, "WooooHooooo!", so he couldn't hear her.

Once they had pulled out of the driveway and onto the little Illionios country road with a squeal of tires, almost hitting a tree in the process, Becky decided to try to ask this odd boy some questions.

"So," Becky started off "Why did you kidnap me and what exactly are you going to do with me now that you have?"

"Uh..." Adam got a glazed look in his eyes, swerved off the road, making Becky scream "Look out you idio I mean, careless person!" (she didn't think it was prudent to insult a deranged farmhand who was a bad driver when you were tied into the seat of his '68 Mustang).

"Sorry." Adam looked sincerely appologetic, but Becky's nails still dug into the seat cusions, and her heart beat too fast for comfort.

"Well, to answer your questions," Adam said after an uncomfortable pause, "I kidnapped you because I've never, ever had a girlfriend, and I thought you were kind of cute."

Shit thought Becky. I spend so much time wanting a boyfriend, and now I get this.

"And as to what I'm going to do with you..." Adam paused for a long time, and finally Becky looked over at him and almost shrieked "Yes??"

"Oh! Sorry...as to what I'm going to do with you...." and here he trailed off for the second time. Becky closed her eyes and prayed for a moment. When she opened them, Adam was running his fingers through his curly black hair, making it stand up in a weird way. After what seemed like years, he finally spoke again:

"I've decided that for our first date, I'm going to take you to the Conference of the Nuns! They're going to make a human sacrifice, and I thought if might be fun."

Good God. Thought Becky. Not the Nuns. ANYTHING but the Nuns! If they see me, who knows what they'll do...

She wondered desperately if Adam knew anything about the Nuns. "Um..." she said, trying to beat around the bush. "Have you been to one before...?"

"Oh yes," said Adam happily, "I was even the sacrificer five years ago. Since then I haven't missed a one. I'm sure you'll love it! Everyone does..." He kept babbling, but Becky leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. He was one of them! She thought she had managed to escape, after she bombed Fiona's and Ali's commune in Eugene, but apperantly someone had been left alive. What was she going to do??? All of a sudden, she realized that maybe she had bombed the wrong commune. Sure, a piece of falling shrapnel cut off Fiona's leg, but it was already all shriveled up and useless anyways. She doubted whether Fiona missed it. Ali, on the other hand, had been hit in the head with a brick, and thought she was a princess, and spent all her time talking to a pincushion she had named Hogomier.

But too late, she realized that her musing had cut off her last chance of escape. They were pulling up to that well remembered building... that big one... that she couldn't quite remember the name of. Adam parked (Becky noticed that he wasn't very good and had taken up two parking spaces) and got out. Becky entertained one last hope of running away, but he was around the car helping her out almost before she had her seat belt off and the door open. They entered the building, Adam holding Becky's arm firmly.

This was Becky's worst nightmare. She saw familier faces everywhere she looked. Kim W, Mitchell, Caleb, Franny... those faces that haunted her dreams and made her wake up screaming were now before her in the flesh, leering at her unpleasantly. She fixed her eyes on her feet firmly. Suddenly Adam stopped. She looked up at him, puzzled.

"I must use the little boys room dearie!" he said brightly. Becky cringed... she didn't remember Adam as being quite this strange. But she tried to hide it and nodded. "You stay right here" he added. Becky nodded again. There was no way she could escape this crowd of black-and-white robed horrors. She leaned against the wall behind her and closed her eyes, trying to block out all the terror and disgust that threatened to overwhelm her.

Suddenly, she heard a loud, siren-like sound. It was piercing, and seemed to throw all the nuns around her into a panic. They rushed around her like ants when you dump a bunch of water on them, hoping they drown, but they never do, the little bastards... Anyway, the nuns were frantic. The siren noise grew louder and louder until even Becky was trying to cover her ears. Suddenly it grew clear! "You're just too good to be true!!!! Can't take my eyes off of you!!!!!" blasted through the building in close four-part harmony. All the nuns fell to the ground in a faint. Becky stared in shock. The doors were opening. "I LOVE YOU BABY!!!!!!!!" blasted the harmonizing voices, as the doors opened to reveal... Marina, Kathleen, Kim and Emma!!!

They stopped singing and surveyed the nuns on the floor with satisfaction. Marina and Kim removed the ear plugs from their ears and hurried over to Becky. Marina said something, but Becky's ears were ringing too loudly for her to catch it. Marina sighed and started gesturing. "We" a big sweeping gesture pointing at the four girls, then spelled out in the air W I F E next word P A T R O L.

Becky's eyes got big. She had heard of the Wife Patrol, but had never dreamed they would take a personal intrest in her! Marina and Kim took her arms and hurried her out to their famous Wife-Mobile, a bright blue convertible with yellow rubber duckies hanging all over it, while Kathleen and Emma covered their backs. Becky sighed with relief. She was safe now!

As They drove back to headquarters, Becky asked Emma, who was driving (Becky got front seat while Kathleen, Marina and Kim squished in the back), "How did you know where to find me? How did you know about me?" Becky was very confuzzled about it all.

Emma answered, "We've been keeping tabs on those nuns, and we knew there was going to be a human sacrifice.... and it was YOU! But we couldn't let that happen!"

Becky looked at Emma with confusion. "But how did you know about me?"

Emma got the three crazies in the back seat to be quiet so they could all tell her how they had some to discover Becky. Marina said, "Becky...do you recall that time not too long ago, but a pretty long time ago, when you were going to make a salad, and the cucumber mysteriously dissapeared?"

Becky gasped. "How did you know about that??! That's when I was still living at..." Becky couldn't say it.

Kim put a hand on Becky's shoulder. "Ryland's. We know. We sympathize. You had no idea what was going on..."

Marina went on. "Well, Ryland stole the cucumber. The cucumber is in our custody now, thank goodness. His name is Wilfred. He's a special veggie."

Kathleen turned to Marina. "I thought Cucumber's were fruits."

Marina shrugged. "Whatever. The point is, we have you, and you're safe, and we have Wilfred, and he's safe."

Just then, they got a messege over the wireless radio! "Emma..Emma... do you copy?" "Yes, I'm here!" "We've got bad news...Wilfred has been stolen!"

Emma cursed, Marina screamed shrilly, Kathleen went white, and Kim began to giggle hysterically. Becky looked at them with fear as she shrank into the plush car seat. She had obviously been picked up by four completely insane people.

Just then, Emma had to stop for a red light. In one movement, Becky dived from the car, rolled twice, picked herself up, ignoring the pain in her knees, and ran away from the car as fast as she could. There were shouts behind her, and she thought she heard someone running behind her, but she didn't look back.

After awhile, her breath came ragged in her lungs, but she kept running, the footsteps kept on behind her. Where could she hide?? She looked around desperately. There was nowhere. Except...there in the distance. No. Anything but that. She COULDN'T hide there. But she'd have to. Becky sprinted across the huge parking lot and squeezed through the automatic doors before they had even opened all the way. Then she stood completely still, like a dear in the headlights. She had entered Wal-Mart.

Becky pulled a small pistol out of her shirt. Don't ask me how it got there, I'm just the narrator. A Wal-Mart greeter came up to her, all smiles, and Becky aimed the pistol at her skull and asked her where the electronics section was. She pointed to the left and fainted. Jeez, don't they have endurance tests for these girls? Becky thought. She jogged down the corridor, running past over-weight women with horrible accents and 14 yr old boys who were forced to pick out a tie for family picture day. Her eyes were caught by a dashingly handsome clerk trying to explain to a women with a case of hyper-bitchness that Stretch pants couldn't be refunded if you broke the waist when she slammed into a 24" TV with an old episode of I Love Lucy on. She spun around and found herself in the Electronics section. Finally, now I can buy some tazers to keep those Nuns\psuedo-lesbian implying people off my back. When she suddenly ran into......

Lindsey, walking out of the trashey lingerie section.

Lindsey turned, and winked at Becky.

"Hey baby," she drawled, "how're you?"

Becky looked at her in puzzlement...it was Lindsey...yet...there was something different about her. Does Lindsey usually wear black leather lingerie and have a Southern accent?

"Hi...Lindsey...what are you doing here?"

"Oh, Ah'm just buyin' myse'f some of these black panties." She held them up and dangled them in front of Becky's nose. Becky immediately felt herself growing green with jealousy.

"They're nice...how much?"

Lindsey looked around as if to see if anybody was eavesdropping (nobody was; people tend to avoid girls in black leather talking to girls with pistols), then whispered, "Well, don't tell nobody, but Ah'm partakin' in some good old fashioned shop-liftin'. Wanna join me?"

"Err...no thanks Lindsey. See, I've got this pistol and I'm looking for something specific." Becky started to wonder if everyone in the world was becoming insane or if it was just everyone in America.

"Oh." Lindsey looked disappointed, then started walking to the doors. Becky watched her walk away, feeling envious. She must go to the gym alot...

The fact that Becky was staring at Lindsay's....body puts off this narrator, so, we switch back. Becky shook her head at the pure randomness of this situation and tossed the .44 she was holding. She didn't need it, not where she was going. The gun made a satisfying bang as she threw it on the Electronic's checkout counter and blew off the kneecap of a particulary tall clerk. Becky winced, but no-one detained her, cause, no-one wants to pick a fight with an amazon, or one with a pistol, for that matter. She strode forward to pick up some electricty based zappy-things when she heard the familar click of heels and turned around to meet...

Her old invisible child hood friend Naked lady shirt man. Becky Freeked out, I thought you where just a child hood fanticy? Naked lady shirt man said no I am just a science project gon wrong, and I needed a place to stay. You where really nice. So I pretended to be your invisable friend. It is whered how you can see me, and no one else can?? Becky said I don't rember you whereing red glittry High heels? oh I just stool them do you like? Becky was confused. "I am confused" said becky. When this Huge BOOM!!!!!!! and SMACK!! cam from the bath room..... And then A bunch of Wal mart people started running tword her!! It is a stampeed! she screemed!!!!! She quickly got out of the way and ran in to the Mens underwhere department. And you wont bleeve who she saw butt naked tring to put on a fish net thong, but non other than...

Wait.

Stop.

Hold it right there. Said Becky to herself. This story is getting much too weird.

However, at that precise moment, the butt-naked boy trying on the fishnet thong began to advance towards her. "Good Lord!" Cried Becky in dismay. "It can't be! But it IS! VICTOR???" she screamed, trying to avert her eyes.

"Becky! This isn't as bad as it looks! No, really!" Victor said, grabbing a pair of red lacy boxers to cover his thong. "I was kidnapped by Ethan and Ben, who stripped me of my clothes, and then left me in front of Wal-Mart. I was left with no choice but to come in here!"

"But...the fishnet thong?" asked Becky.

"It's all part of their plan!" Victor whispered desperately, looking furtively from side to side to make sure their conversation wasn't being overheard.

"What plan?" Becky asked, furrowing her brow.

THE PLAN OF LOONY PEOPLE DOMINATING THE WORLD! said Victor. MMOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! How is that going to happen said Becky? Victor Was happy she asked. "I am happy you asked" said Victor. There os this really big cave in the middle of the U.S. and Tomorow we are going to send Rays out to are secret space station, Then space station is going to put this beem on the world that makes the fish have poisen come out of there mouths, then the fish will come out of the water and spray all the people with there poison, and then every person in the world will become Toadly Nuts! MMMOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! How much time is there tell that happens? said Becky. Until tomorow at noon. Bekey at that moment Ran away and out side of Wall Mart. I need to Find Normail people and stop thes loony people! Said becky.....

So her serch began....

And so it did, She was running down the road when there was a broken down car up ahead. As she got closer she say that there was some one in it. The car was a blue Pick up truck. As she got closershe saw who it was. It was none other than....

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