One Day I Will Be Beautiful And All Alone

or at least i hope.

have you ever thought, that if you severed yourself completely from the unschooling community, you might find out who you really are?

and that persone might be someone completely different?

I am very, very close to doing this.

Stepping back and looking at myself, I see a girl who went to camp, and a few months later had transformed into the classic/generic camper, bisexual, guitar playing, ani-difranco listening, anguished poetry, the works. Not that it's a bad transformation, but sometimes I wonder if it's really who i am or just another me molded into a group, like i've molded myself so many times before.

people say they find themselves through this sort of experience, but really, do you think you found exactly who you are? or are you still conforming to the standard?

what if the standard is how you want to be?

I don't know.

Please tell me your thoughts.

All I know is, I'm not sure now if I'm going back to camp because it's so damn expensive, and I don't know if it's good for me or actually very bad. I know for a fact that the most self-damaging things i have done have been at camp, or at parties with unschoolers. I'm not sure anymore what my "priorities" are.

• Gee. I dunno. I completely agree. Camp does something to ya, it certainly does. And yes, my most damaging experiences have been because of camp. I recently had a car accident. If I had not gone to camp, it is extremely unlikely that would have occurred. I would not be travelling or thinking of moving out as much if not for camp. I think camp embodies and heightens normal teenage angst and wild exuberance and fears and lust and love in the people that attend it. But I think it's one of those things that once you've gone, you can never forget. You have to take it as a whole and decide what to do with it. It's like setting your soul on fire. Every time you do it, you take the chance that it will burn. And if it doesn't burn, it could turn out to be something like asbestos, which is really poisonoius and it would suck if your soul was made out of asbestos. Metaphorically speaking. I mean, camp shows us who and what we really are and gives us the opportunity to be our best or worst selves. Fortunately, souls can always change. If you want them to. Because of and during camp I have undergone a lot of change, and some of that campers have helped me with, and some of it have been directly because of them. And right now it is causing no end of friction with my parents, but that's the way it is and I would rather be truly frictuos than pretending to be anything else. Even if I didn't realise I was pretending. I seem real-er than the I who would do exactly what her parents expected, not knowing any better. It's a deeper layer of me that disagrees, and it's partly due to camp. We may not know what we want, but at least we know what we don't want. And so many people don't even have that. I have gone from living like a rich brat without a doubt as to the perfection of our culture to disagreeing with everyone and thinking about living in places my mother would swoon to enter. But no matter what (enter bold defeatist music) I will always be a princess. My parents can't change that, though they want to. Camp can't change it, and it doesn't want to. I'm just too damnned proud to be anything else. ~Jafe, sleepily.~

• If you find your self conforming to a standard, ask your self why you did it? why did you really do it? were you really true to your self? who were you fallowing, and do you really have controle over your life? do you want controle over your life? maybe you like shaving your legs, eating meat, and hanging out at the mall, should I tell you if that is right for you or not? HELL NO, the point is not to make everyone all the same, the point is to do what is right for you, I might tell you what I like, or why I think one way or another, or why I dress the way I do, but I don't want you to be like me, don't copy me if you find your self, and your self turns out to be someone like me, I see that as a good thing, but if you copy me, then all I can do, is feel very sorry for you, really I am. I have met some of my best friends at camp, and had some of my best expearnces with them or because of them, or after I got an idea, from a conversation that I had with one of them, after camp my life changed, and it got better (not to say that it was not good befor, it just got better) maybe this dose not happen for everyone, I know it dose not happen for everyone, some people show up, and don't see it for all that it could be, a way to expand your life, to network, meet other people, get inspired, maybe even change the world (if that's your thing). some people enter in to camp, and think that to fit in, they have to learn to play guitar, or be bisexual, or travil the world, that inorder to "fit in" they have to do that! if, for example, your bi, don't talk your self out of beleaving that you are, if your not bi, don't talk your self in to thinking that you are! (it is as simple as thinking for your self) non of us are going to think less of you for it, really! and if someone dose think less of you for how you are, then maybe you should ask them who they are trying to mold you in to!

• Ry, you've deleted stuff I've written on Wiki several times now. I don't know if you even know you're doing it, but both mine and Kathleen's posts were deleted when you posted. Please be careful.

I can't even begin to figure out where and who I would be right now if I had never attended camp. There is most certainly a mold that most campers fit themselves into, whether they notice or not. And it's a different mold than the mainstream ones, but just the same. Hair dye, duck tape, guitar, bi-sexualism, Ani DiFranco, and plenty more. Me, I've never liked being molded, and I resist. My hair has still never been dyed, unlike most people I know, it seems. Duck tape, yeah, I like it, it's useful, and cool. However there are some things it is just not suited to. Like fixing the foosball table. And it leaves sticky goo on stuff. I don't care that much for Ani. I don't dislike her music, but I certainly prefer it when I'm listening to friends sing/play it than when I'm listening to her. And it seems that most people around here are afraid to say anything bad about her, for fear that everyone else would jump on them.

But I am changed. Alot. I think it's for the better, with me. I do fit the mold somewhat. But there's still a part of me who wants to refuse to do anything merely because everyone else is doing it. If I hadn't gone to camp, I can see how I might have just become a reclusive quiet person, and just receeded more and more into myself. I might have gotten over being shy without camp, and gone out and met local people. I know I wouldn't be here. I'm sitting at Becky's computer now. A couple thousand miles away from home. In a week I've gone from someone who considers 50-60 degrees cold, to someone who is annoyed that it's a warm day today (38 degrees) and the snow is probably going to start melting. I change rapidly. Especially over the past year. I don't know who I would be now without camp and campers. Who I am right now still needs some work. But for the most part, I like who I am and where I am. And where I'm going. I'm glad I went to camp, and started going when I did. And I plan to go again next year. Perhaps I don't need another year of camp. I don't think it'll change too much this time around, but who knows. Maybe I can change things at camp and give something back. Maybe it'll just be a couple weeks of laughing and friends and singing and blackberries. Not everything that comes from camp is good. Like the post-camp crash, which seems to happen to just about everyone, in one way or another. And most of the changes that happen at/from camp don't fit in with the mainstream widely accepted view of the world. But is it worth it? ~Qetyria~

I think that, yes, I would be a completely different person had I not ever gone to camp. I wouldn't have traveled a little more than halfway across the country for a PARTY? if I hadn't gone to camp. My hair would still have been dyed purple once, and fire truck red once, and a chunk bleached, though. I probably wouldn't dress the way I do. I always liked the idea of dressing how I do now, but I was worried about what people would think, and camp taught me that it doesn't matter. That you can be yourself. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't listen to Ani (I like some of her stuff, and I think some of her stuff sucks. Just like any other artist.), and I probably wouldn't play guitar.

I think I've been changed both for better and for worse by camp, and I have thought before about cutting myself off from the community, but I would miss it too much. I'm interested as to just how different my life would be if I'd never gone to camp, though.

If I had never gone to camp I would be an entirely different person, but you can chose yourself what you take away from camp. If you are receptive, open and honest, you will get a lot more and come away much more changed then if you are closed-minded and lie. There are certain trends and things that tend to be popular in the camp community, but nobody expects everyone to like everything. Camp is also not the real world, as of right now, so you do have to adapt and change somewhat....to be continued. -mike

it is i, page starter person. A lot of you have really interesting things to say. To clairify things, I was never pressured into any mold, never have been, but when you're with a group of people and there are so many awesome people, you find you want to be like them, especially if you are disatisifed with yourself. At camp i think everyone encourages each other to be themselves, but it's out of admiration, a lot of the time, that we pick up habits and things like that from other people. Camp has opened me up to a lot of different things, but at the same time, not all of them have been the greatest. I don't pretend that the bad things weren't my fault. What I've meant to say is, I love camp and I'm glad that I've gone.

I'm just not sure whether to go back this year...

• for some reason this page made me cry. i'm not sure why. but it's true. all of it. i would never ever give up the experainces i've had at camp for anything. but every once in a while i wonder where i would be without camp because it isn't just the one week in OR. it's the whole year. a lot of times i especially feel sucked into the online part of the community. it feels very cliquey and selective and like it's composed of feelings waiting to be hurt. not always but sometimes. i don't feel like i could give it up however. *sigh*

if i hadn't gone to camp i probably wouldn't even know i was bisexual (which i belive i really am, it isn't because of camp...i dont think..) i wouldn'y havea guitar and i wouldn't wear the clothes i do. i wouldn't know the songs i know. but these are all changes i'm glad about. i think this me was always there but it took camp for me to be able to find her. and let her be without trying to change her. on a side note would the starter of this page (and people on wiki in general) please identify themselves unless there's good reasons not to? we won't judge you. promise. -franny

• I, page starter person, would rather not put my name on, for a lot of reasons and no reasons

Yes, I've definitely felt like that. But... I haven't yet. The ideas I get from unschoolers are too valuable to me, really. I too feel like I'm falling into other people... I know so many amazing people with amazing ideas, I want to know everything they know. I copy his way of phrasing things, her way of taking pictures, read his favorite author, listen to her favorite musician. Sometimes I feel like I'm lots of little pieces of other people, and I have no idea what's myself, or even if there is a self in there. But I'm 17 years old. I'm not going to sacrifice my chances and experiences for certianity and safety. I like trying on Becky or Roya or Charlie or Jake or Fiona on for size. Hell, that's what being a teenager is all about. But about going back to camp... Every year I've gone, I've got something valuable out of it. This year it was realizing that I need to work a bit harder to really get something valuable out of it, and also looking at the camp group picture and realizing that I have some individual memory of almost every single person, which is a wonderful feeling. Deciding whether or not to go back to camp is an individual decision. It's a helluva lot of money. But if you want my advice... if you don't go to camp, find another way to connect with people. With ideas. With acceptance and individualism. With Ani DiFranco, if you feel like it. I'm going to an Ani concert with a bunch of campers in March, actually, but I don't own any of her CDs... I'm a Beatles-er myself. Hm, I wonder if you could divide campers into groups by what music they like... the Ani freaks, the Beatles freaks, the Weezer freaks, the TMBG freaks... But that's totally off subject. I guess my ultimate advice is pay attention to yourself. If you feel uncomfortable doing something that someone else did first, don't do it. If it seems interesting to you, go for it. And I hope to see you (whoever you are) sometime soon, whether at camp or not.

To the person-who-started-this-page (and anyone else who reads this) what you wrote about thinking of cutting yourself off from the unschooling community you know... This happened to me last year, but not because I wanted to. My family moved to Idaho Falls from New Zealand where we'd been the past 2 years. I had to leave all my cool unschooled/homeschooled friends and because it's so expensive to call and there is a 6 hour time difference that makes online instant messaging hard. I've been in Idaho a little over a year now. There are no unschoolers here. And my family and I looked hard. So for 3/4 of a year between arriving in Idaho and going to the 2001 NBTSC I had no contact with unschoolers, other than my sisters, save 3 weeks of visits with friends from New Mexico and Washington State. It was really hard not having anyone around (outside of my immediate family) who understood me, understood unschooling. I'd be careful about deciding if you really want to cut yourself off from people. Do you want to because of who they are or because they are unschoolers?

Now, about camp. Camp was kind of overwhelming for me. Not having been around unschoolers in months, here I was surrounded by 100 of them! Yeah, I think sometimes I felt like I wanted to be how people I saw were. I'm really into punk music and the whole punk scene, but I don't really dress in typical "punk" fashion all the time. I've never dyed my hair a wild color before. At camp, there were people with really cool colors in their hair, and they had big boots and looked more "punk" than me... I don't think I consiously tried to be more like them at camp, but it was always a thought in the back of my mind. "how come I don't have blue hair?, why don't I pierce my ears a few more times?" Despite my admiration and sometimes envy of other campers, there were so many people there encouaging me to just be me, that I didn't ever really try to be someone I wasn't.

Yeah, so there's my two paragraphs. bye Robin