FourFiveOne nothing holding us back, nothing holding us down, nothing holding us away, nothing holding us apart but you knew there was a but because we are apart and away and i am held back i am held back from touching the back of your hand and from washing dishes with you and from picking a flower and giving it to you instead of picking off it's petals one at a time leaving sap on my fingers sticking them together
FourFiveTwo I am held back from reaching out to you by the fear and insecurity that still remain within me, hiding deep inside from long ago. What if, when I reach out to try and help, I accidently do more harm than good? What if, what I want to say comes out all wrong, and you get mad at me? What if I make the leap, and trust you completely, and you fail to catch me? What if you laugh, or what if you are surprised by that part of me, and decide you don't like me anymore because of it. What if?
FourFiveThree What if I make the leap. No ground below, only arms flailing, Open air Only blue sky and a strangled yell from way down there At the bottom. What if I never reach the other side, Even though you told me I would. What if you were wrong? How can I trust you now? In a world where balck and white don't exist In a world where we pretend they do. Taking the leap, I leap every day Yet never so far as now. Reach out my arms, Reach Oh please catch me Surprise, wide eyes, tears Blinding sunlight. Oh my God. They caught me. ~Becky~ NumberFourFiftyFour Only blue sky and a strangled yell from way down there as i look up and lift off to see if i can fly. you know it's been my dream, every time i've stood at the edge the wind tempts, oh god, it tempts me and it Pulls me coaxes persuades and every other word you can think of, it wants me to fall into it. the waves crash below but i don't look at them. i know the wind will be a rush against my face i know what my hair will feel like that my eyes will sting and my smile will split in two one half going east the other spiraling west i know that if my heart is heavy it will plumet with a splash and i will never worry again. i know that if i look back i might sink and so i won't. i'll just open my arms and not even hear the yells below as the sky opens up, and they watch, and someone else who wishes stands at the edge to take my place. FourFiveFive I know that if I look back, It will only make leaving more painful than it already is. But I look back into your eyes anyway, just one more time. I just couldn't help it. I know if I think about what I'm leaving, and how long it will be until I can see you again, it would just be too much for me too handle. So as I board the plane, I rebuild the walls around my heart. Nothing gets out now, and nothing comes in. And so I live alone, surrounded by people, but seeing only my dreams and memories.
NumberFourFiveSix i just couldn't help it you don't know me and so i'm as safe as i can be with friends of friends. and if i laugh too loud don't send me to bed it's just that i am good at making friends and maybe magic will wear off in a few weeks. but i'm looking for a way to keep the glitter in my eyes and not have it fall onto my cheeks where people mistake a lack of sleep for tears i'm trying to figure out how to type fast enough to keep the attention and how to go about laughing softer but still have everybody listen. FourFiveSeven i just couldn't help it I am a bad person and so bitter I would make you squint for a month no just jealous bitchy little brat i don't need help as much as the next person and the morning is always delicate orange and just peachy FourFiveEight The morning is always better. After a good night's sleep, the sun shines brighter, and things aren't quite as bad as they were the night before. Morning comes, and the birds are singing, and it's all okay. But after every morning comes another night. And it's the nights I'm scared of. Because at night, the lonelyness comes hunting. Not all nights are bad, but some nights, it catches me. And I sink deeper into a pit of heartache and depression.
*FourFiftyNine*I try and think of other things anything but you I run from temptation to tell you about it but it catches me I know I will end up telling you some day so what is the use trying to deny it? I try to make it leave me alone but it refuses, doesn't leave me, I stay with it. as miserable and pessamistic as it makes me I stay with it. when will you know?
FourSixZero The dream doesn't leave me, it comes back again and again. You're here, and I'm here too. We're together, dancing, singing, laughing, talking and just being. I watch you sleeping peacefully, and slowly I begin to wake up. Once I awaken, you're gone, but the dream is still there, waiting for me to come back.
NumberFourSixOne still there, waiting for me, at home the ants the dishes the laundry the phone calls from all the wrong people. there's no food in the kitchen and there are mosquitos buzzing hovering at the outside edges of my consciousness the couch cushions are scattered on the floor, and i really need to call him about that and soon. waiting for me when i walk through the door; the guilt, the heaviness, the loneliness. so i suck on frozen grapes and try to stay as sweet i try to remember that i like to smile. and laughter is the best medicine, and i'm not really sick. i try to remember that waiting for me when i walk out that door is an entire world for me to learn, an entire population for me to hug and more wishes than a dandelion can carry. i try to remember that when i walk through the doors and can't even manage to untie my shoes. MoreShit (462) Why Why why why why why why why why why why Is all Screaming I try Hold on While I try Nothing will come of it I try to remember that
FourSixtyThree Hold on. Hold on baby. I've already eaten the blackberries from the yard, I've already eaten the ice cream in the freezer, I've already eaten my heart out And it's still there baby. Still there. I'm not sated yet, even though I've tried. I leave tomorrow and what if they hate me? I'm not coming back for 8 days And who's gonna miss me when I'm gone? I scare everyone away in the end. You know I don't, but let me say it anyway. They all fly away like pigeons And I'm a squirrel with a nut in my big, chipped teeth Cracking and gnawing and not looking around. Wait on baby. Wait on. Just a little longer now And then I can dump out the garbage when I come back home. ~Becky~ NumberFourSixyFour cracking and gnawing on this piece of memory stuck between my teeth i should't have eaten it i knew it would splinter and cut my throat when i try to talk i croak, and you laugh. and you laugh. and i roar silently with pain my throat aching so that i can't hear your voice, the main reason i called, of course. and i miss you and i wanted you to know i have been living off of bones and graphite since we left. FourSixFive When I first got back, I could almost see you smile, almost sense you sitting next to me, almost feel you hugging me, as I hugged you back. I could almost hear you laugh, almost hear your voice singing along with mine. I could almost touch you, even though you were hundreds and hundreds of miles away. Now you're no farther away than you were before, but you're not as clear in my mind anymore. Every day we spend apart, your picture becomes a little more fuzzy, your voice a little less clear. Every now I hear that song, or something cues that one memory, and you're with me again, like we've never parted. Those moments come less often now than they did before. But I still dream of you, and count the days until I see you again.
FourSixSix you're no farther away than you were before it's still just as hard to reach out and touch you and maybe even a little easier to touch you with my words you can still hear me just as easy if not easier than you could when we were sitting on the futon face to face and i could have reached out and touched your hand but now i'm so far away i don't remember whether i did
FourSixSeven I want another late night spent just talking, face to face, hand in hand, together. Another night spent cuddling on the couch, laughing at the movie, our silly jokes, each other. Another sunrise watched together, the stars slowly fading as the sky grows lighter. Another night of singing softly outside, under the stars, another night of dancing until we're ready to fall down. I want another night together.
FourSixEight Another sunrise watched together they're starting to run together Another series of silly jokes and Don'tQuoteThat s Another sleepy face, smile it's getting harder to tell them apart in my mind still I wouldn't give any of them up I wouldn't narrow down the light just so that I could see clearly. ---marina 469- The Goose Drank Wine In My Mind It's getting more difficult - this act of turning images into words, of speaking these words.. They are wearing someone else's clothes, and they speak other languages, and their eyes will not look into mine. Hours seeing only their backs before i realise that they are there - i can look at something else besides their backs - not turning around. I do not know their names, I cannot say them, so that they will turn in question, in knowledge. "Yes?" Turn. They do not know I am here. Here are their feet - dusty from travel. Sandals like old dogs. Blind tenacity. Blind sleep. This one's ankle is swollen, she tripped on the way to the well this morning. The one in the blue shawl is dying, she knows this in the back of her mind . . . Her grandson helps her in the garden. The one with the yellow ribbon braided into her hair thinks of her lover, whom she has not yet met, as she weaves. Her mother, who is as the Earth is to us - Our mother, forgotten or remembered is in the kitchen always, is in the garden, singing.. What does she see in the cooking pot? Images. Now I do not know what she does - that was last week, when I knew her name, told the sky it. That is how I think. The meaning of images. Geography. There is no common point. I am here, you are over there. To tell you that i woke up, my arm a beach with no ocean ... To tell you that the rain woke me up, or was it the beach, or the ocean? I cannot say.
P.S. Will someone please take this one apart? carrie at nbtsc.org FourSevenZero It's quite magical, this act of turning images into words. I sit here by the open window, and try hard to turn memories and feelings into mere words. Into something that can be conveyed by computer. There are so many things that words cannot easily describe. It takes practice, and a talent for writing, to relay a perfect picture, an emotion or a memory through words. Sometimes it works, most times, not. But sometimes, the words just flow. And I find I have painted a perfect picture, using only words.
FourSevenOne this act of turning images into words takes up all my mind space and i grouse at my stuttering computer, thinking if i can do this can't it play me music while i type and chat, and click to download that one really cool song... but i keep typing even as a small moth flitters by and my head turns to look, and the box on the bottom of my screen flashes and i click to see who's talking now sing along to the CD for a moment but keep typing keep typing all these random images, processing compacting, contracting, releasing onto the screen a poem a collection of the sparking synapses behind my eyes
FourSevenTwo If I can do this, I can do anything. Anything I put my mind to. For example, that piano piece. So what if it's years beyond my skill level? I wish to be able to play it. And so, with enough practice, I can. I wish to fly across the country, just to spend a few days at a party. A little planning, a little money, and I'm there. Anything is possible, as long as I believe it can be. I can do anything. And so can you.
FourSevenThree Well hello there what do i have here? a little boy lost in everything and anything swimming in love hate and worries hello little boy what do i have here? a story wanting to be read? a song never said? tears that don't fall? or is this all of this at once? look at me little boy look hard i am so much like you so so so like you your cuts are like me your worries songs never sang kisses never given food never eaten but you see little boy i got out And so can you.
*474*i can understand where you're coming from your worries, your thoughts, your opinions, i'm not surprised you don't agree with me. you never have and you probably never will neither of us really want to hear what the other has to say we've both heard each other enough to know that nothing's changed so why bother listening anymore?
(Hey, no one was writing, so I wrote one based on my last one 475nothing's changed here at home since last I saw you I still live in a cage even though I put myself in it I still want to leave but I bury myself a deep burrow without knowing what it does to me I still pine for you your laughter and your love it's still there, I know but I can't reach it from where I stand I can't feel you near in this cage I see the key, so close I reach for it it is so far and yet too near help me, I'm stuck in a place where I can't escape how did I dig myself into a whole this deep? more importantly when will I let myself out?
FourSevenSix I'm locked in this cage. I built it myself over the years, not noticing what I was doing. I can get out if I really want to. It wouldn't be an easy thing to do, but I'm the only one who can unlock the door. I could get out, but the idea is a bit scary. I'm held back by this cage, but it also protects me. Freedom or safety. Hard question. But I reach for the key, and open the door, and step out into the world. And since I don't look back, I don't notice that the cage vanishes behind me.
477I buried it in the ground I left it behind I forgot about it long ago I stumbled upon it again one day last week I had forgotten all about what it does and how it works I'll get used to it. It sure is good to have my common sense back. (Kathleen, I have writers block! Forgive me.)
FourSevenEight It was dragging me down, deeper and deeper. So I left it behind. Tossed it out the window, and went on without it. And was much happier. But if followed me, trailing behind like a lost puppy. And though I told it again and again to just go away, it still hung around. I think I've managed to ditch it for good, most of the time anyway. But every now and again, it still shows up.
479I asked you to just go away need I count how many times? and now when I need you I regret telling you to leave me alone you're here, but so far away I can see you I can hear you but our eyes never meet you avoid me now what can I do do get you to talk to me again?
FourEightZero You're so far away. I read what you write, and I worry about you. Why can't you see how incredible you are? Just the thought of you makes me smile. I turn on music, and dance, but dancing is no fun without you. You post a poem, and I read it over and over again. Because I can almost hear your voice reading it aloud. I dream about you alot. You're always so much taller than me in my dreams. We dance in them, or just talk, or hug. You say you don't like yourself. I can't find anything about you not to like. You're so stunningly beautiful in my eyes, inside and out. I can't imagine how anyone could see you and not notice how wonderful you are.
*481*I think I could like you. Just maybe. You humor me, and make me laugh but not much is actually there I feel comfortable with you... but not completely. I don't feel like I can trust you. I wished upon a star that someone like you would come around and now I feel a wish wasted when I could have wished for something else... someone who maybe listens? someone who isn't as focused on the past as I am someone to take me away, someone who doesn't remind me of all the things I don't like I realize that isn't practical either but what can I wish for in a person that wouldn't be complicated? the stars could have done better... I like you. I just can't help feeling dissapointed. how to say I'm sorry?
FourEightTwo I feel comfortable around you. I don't feel like I have to hide anything, I don't have to watch what I say, for fear you'll look at me funny, or reject me. With you I'm safe. But the problem is, I'm not with you very often. So when you're gone, I build up the walls around my heart and I let no one in. And don't let anything real out.
486 i don't let anything good out and I let no one in. its just me in here just me and my brain its lonely but you have stoped caring therefor i box you out your not that good i dont nead you no more you where always the iceing on the cake oh god i always loved iceing on cake noi dont want you back no no no not this game again i don't want you now no no no never again will you come back oh man never?
484i don't need you anymore i don't -want- you anymore i don't like this anymore I have no choices I feel imprisoned no outlets visible no place to go I don't like you anymore I don't like who you've become what happened to the old days?
FourEightFive I don't like this. I'm riding a never ending rollercoaster. On the way up, I can sit back and admire the view. On the way down, it's all I can do to hold on. I want to cry, but I'm afraid to. Last time I did it hurt too much. I believe this is the bad night that I've been so afraid of since the last bad night. I need to sleep, but I'm so so scared of what will happen if I go to bed and am left alone with just me and my thoughts. The bad nights are getting fewer and farther between, but each one is all the more worse to make up for it.
486I understand you love her but what about me? why can't you care about me too? is there not enough space for me? i want to cry into your arms but I'm afraid to I don't get a place unless you're in love with me? why does it seem to work that way...
FourEightSeven I want to cry into your arms, but how can I do that? To cry, first I'd have to admit that I can't stand on my own, and that I'm not always quite as strong as I pretend to be. If you needed help, I would be there, strong, and ready to help and soften your fall. But who comforts the strong? and how can you tell when I'm about to fall hard, when I myself don't notice until it's too late.
FourDoubleEight I myself don't notice my nose unless I happen to look down, or if it itches and it's itched enough in sixteen years that I don't have to think about scratching it. I suppose if I had to list one thing I've learned in sixteen years it would be scratching something I don't notice. Maybe by the time I'm thirty two I'll learn to scratch in between my shoulder blades when now, it takes other arms around me.
NumberFourEightyNine maybe by the time i'm ready to fall back into bed i'll have soaked in a little more excitement. it seems a pity to fall asleep before anything's really happened. sleep is for the weak, sleep should be for those who have had terribly enriching days and are worn out from jumping from train to train or have been swimming around the world but those of us who have done nothing but sit and wait should continue doing that until something a little more sparkly comes along. FourNineZero I want to wrap you in my arms and just hold you there. Protect you from all the bad things. But I can't do that. It's not possible to completely shield someone from harm. And so I try to help, in any way I can. But it's hard, for most of the time, I can do nothing but sit and watch. And though I can't just fly in and whisk all your troubles away, my arms are always open, and I'm always ready to listen.
491 hello over there how are you today? how maney times have you cryed? you look like you need something but you don't know what hello over there how are you really doing? i actuly want to know i actuly care hello over there come poor out your heart it's safe with me hello over there did you know that you are beautiful? that the sun will rise and fall the stars will sing the moon will dance and I'm always ready to listen. hello over there come poor your heart out it's safe with me
FourNinetyTwo I saw your sillhouettes against the window One leaning into the other I smiled as I leaned against the wall Paying no attention to the crowd of passengers Then the bus began to move And I saw your fingers pressed to the glass in a formation I've known for so long The only piece of sign language I've ever learned "I love you" I love you I love you I love you I held myself in all the way home Waited until the time was right I'm good at that It took a while before I was alone But I finally got to cry Goodbyes are a way of life for us, aren't they? You might think I'd get better at them after three years But it never gets easier, no It gets harder, really, every time And is it worth it? ... Yes.It's only harder Because I love you more. Sure it's worth it. Goodbye.
493 Goodbye. I'm summer and you're winter With so much distance With so much time Between us We could never be entwined Goodbye I'm summer and you're winter Let's meet in the middle When I fall
494I won't be there again last time, that was an accident I didn't mean to be in the way I screwed it all up again for you, didn't I? I want you to care about me I can't stand to be in the way everything you say to me means so much will you be there when I fall? I'm sorry again, for being in the way, smothering you but how else can I get through to you how much I care? I care. do you hear that? that's me...
FourNineFive Will you be there when I fall? Some days it seems I will never fall. Seems I can stand strong enough to support both myself and you. But then the night comes, and I know that I won't always be able to be strong enough to stand alone. But I've never doubted, not even for a minute that I could catch you if you fell. But I wonder, will you be there to catch me?
fourninesixI've never doubted that it would all come crashing down I knew it, from the tone in your voice and the way you wouldn't look me in the eyes anymore. I'm so paranoid, you say- am I really... I am only so paranoid as I have to be other wise everything would be a surprise and I'd get hurt more than I am now. I don't need more pain now. I have you, and you are pain
FourNineSeven I can't keep you safe, it's impossible, and you would resent it if I tried. And so instead I try to keep myself safe. I wrap my heart in tissue paper and put it away in a box, telling myself I don't need more pain now. If I don't trust, I can't be hurt. So I leave it there until I think it's safe to bring it out again. I'm too easily hurt to trust other people with my heart. But you managed to get into the box and now you have my heart. I don't want it back anymore. It's as much yours as mine now. But now since you have my heart, a few words from you can make me soar, or bring me smashing to the ground. But I know I'm safe with you. You won't break my heart. Because it's as much yours as it is mine, and it would hurt you as much as it would me.
ForNiNate And so instead I try to keep myself safe.
I lock my heart away,
I lock my soul away,
I avert my eyes from you,
(Every single one of the you who might spot the haunted look within them)
I throw away the key.
I write my soul in bold where someone in Katmandu could read it.
Which is to say I keep it locked inside me.
my only outlet is the least real.
I keep closest only those furthest away.
And even then I deny they read my soul.
No one does.
Even those who remark on it later.
They didn't really read that.
I didn't really type that out loud did I?
My rage.
My love.
My sarcasm.
"Bad Poetry is good for my health" he said.
"Bad Poetry is my life these days."
"Bad Poetry is freight hopping for kicks when you own a car."
"Bad Poetry is the good shit."
"Oh come on, you've known all along I'm going to be a lawyer."
He told me these things and I was bitter for the lack of him.
I craved the crack of him.
I need my bitter halfs to let out my witty side.
I need to get the hell out of here before I'll remember how to let these
walls down.
This state isn't big enough for the both of us.
Equally scarred by father and first love.
How cliche.
~z~
FourNinetyNine I can't STAND you when you're like this and you seem to be ignoring me anyway my rage tore us apart, I figured it out all on my own you'd be proud. I was just remembering when I used to like you and how something you said made me feel like shit. I never said anything I hate making you mad... or I used to, anyway. I could give a shit now, right? I still have my rage i'd rather have it then you which makes no sense... since I was only angry because of you.
FiveHundred I can't stand you anymore. Being around you is bad for both of us, because I get mean. And I don't feel sorry for it, not really. But I don't like being mean. And you didn't do anything to make me mad at you. Well, you didn't do anything directly to me, anyway. But if you can't see why I'm mad at you, look a little closer. You can't hurt my friend like that, and expect me to not be mad.
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