NUMBERONETHOUSAND his hell makes me smile, because she is a glacier they could never coexist i am tempermental too, like you (but admitting it) happy when i am rising from the flames. he can be a devil and i'm looking for an angel but they've all flown too close to the sun: i've watched them fall. longed to collect their feathers wear them as a headress, as a necklace tickle your skin prove that i can fly too, i can circle the earth in seconds escaping with only singed eyebrows. time passes, like confusion. today i've been floating somewhere between satisfaction and betrayal content to sink into beauty from a different life. i'll take mine and collage it make a movie, a song i'll turn my living into magic. scratch through the darkness till i hit the brilliance you expect me to crash soon but i will show you just how powerful i can be. i'm still here and you are finding a cold bed to heat, like you think the glacier inside of you could drip away, if only their arms contained warmth i'm still here, the feathers are growing, i am lifting, and you have melted sinking deep into the opaque water, you'll find your demons somewhere near the bottom. but i've scratched through and danced through fire. i'm still here and i'm still burning bright. OneThousandOne What I don't understand, is why we can't just coexist. There's not as big of a dividing line as you seem to think. Us, them, there is no them. There's only us. We're not all the same. no, in fact we're all very different. But can't we still work together? Not in fear not in anger not in pain but in friendship. Look a little closer. There's not such a big difference between us after all. ~Qetyria~ OnethousandTwo you seem to think that i am going to be here always for you with my little pompoms and my oh-so-cute cheers. because i am, of course, always here. only my cheers don't rhyme and i only show you the ones that aren't scary. every inside part of me shakes what is wrong with me? cute. yeah i'm so cute. dependable. undesirable. i don't know how to wrap up my thoughts. every time i think they have to end, you send me reeling and i drown in another night of aching, for what i shouldn't want and what i'll never get. OneThousandThree another night of endless poetry. i don't know what i want to write. i don't know how to end it. resolve, i want this resolved i want to understand what it is i want and why you can't give it to me and how come she can? she tells you how you shine beauty i keep it all in. she could never be that strong. i don't feel so strong shivering my roots have been attacked and i'm trying hard to maintain control. don't make me cry anymore. i don't think i'm that strong. OneThousandFour how come she can? answers never come to me to those who seek them i know you know i know you aren't telling me i run you dance we cry. watch that star streak and while your eyes arch the sky i'll leave you'll never notice any of you turn away goodbye. Franny OneThousandFive watch the star streak across the sky trying hard not to wish for something unreachable obtainable, maybe but realistic? no, not really. will she ever let go and allow those around her to get to close know the person she really is? watch the stars streak across the sky thoughts going through her mind wishes, dreams, unobtainable things...
OneThousandSix watch the stars streak across the grand ballroom sky watch the tears form and fall from the edge of your eyes hear the long, high wail of the crisp mourning wind hear the trail of hot laughter that burns from within smell the salt in the air, the wild sea in your mind smell the leaves of the trees that you're leaving behind feel the warmth of the cloak that you wish you had made feel the flow of your thoughts as they bubble and fade taste the mangos you cut and then shared with your friends taste the silver moon beams before the magic night ends live the dreams you are tied to on your anchorable wings live the moment, the real, the unobtainable things watch the stars, dance across the grand ballroom sky you don't need to know all, but don't forgot to ask why Jauss OneThousandSeven watch the tears form and fall from my eyes i thought she understood i thought she was sincere i was wrong. you ask me whats wrong and i hesitate a debate of keeping quiet or taking a risk i stay quiet as i remember the backstabbing emotions she made me feel today. you look into my eyes did you know eyes are the windows to the soul? tears form in my eyes as i began to break and the walls come crashing down and i wonder what am i going to do?
OneThousandEight "Christmas" Carrolling in the coffeeshops On the hills, with the bells Fleeting snow all aglow Laughter in the dells Oh how bright it is!
OneThousandNine oh how bright it is oh how (sickeningly) sweet and sparkly you throw soemthing anything not quite all i had into the wind, laugh at the way it blows don't look to see what happened to the shell it came from see what was once whole blew apart scattered see who smashes mirrors with her reflection still staring at her even when it's in fragments she identifies with fragments fragments of hope of love of sanity is her life sparkles of sanity, need polishing sometimes she forgets and sometimes she's forgotten. both are frequent and her shoes are worn out. she trys to wear you out so your boxes will break but you're strong, you want her to be like you and you delight in her tears. see, she grows best in the dark when no one is watching she grows and in the morning the beginnings of her wings are hidden under shirts to grow a while longer until she's brave enough to fly.
one thousand and ten i've had to clime over cliffs to feed my soul anything even if its just a bit of bread i wouldn't eat. i've learned to smile pritty and then watch myself fail when i turned out to be some bitch who didn't frown i've scaired myself awake so maney time that now my sleepless nights run into sleepless days. i have gone a long long ways without your eyes cheering me on now they are and i don't know where to look
OneThousandEleven My world has fallen apart, And I don't know where to look For comfort, and safety. I talk to people every day. Every god damn day of my life. And not one of them has the slightest idea, What's happening to me. Maybe I should tell them. If I did would they even care? It would be worse to be rejected, Than to keep this inside. ~erynne OneThousandTwelve What's happening to me? My skin all lush and peachy Breathless lips Eyes full as cups running over. I eat nothing all day, but in the place I inhabit, food is but a diversion, there are more important things to think about. My body is soft and hollow thin, beating like a snare as I walk willowy to get the mail. The sun flashes down over my head like water, and I feel like a chalice of crystal, pure and clear and hollow but being filled up slowly with this inexplicable joy. ~Becky~ OneOneThree in the place i inhabit lies are shields lips are weapons used too often home is the place i'm always leaving someone's arms are the place i'm always going sleepless nights with you in my head and dreams til dawn and farther i do not remember the last sweet sleep the last moment of joy i cannot recall this is not where i am supposed to be. OneThousandFourteen lips are weapons i can read yours. blinding. hurting. my lips ache for that clove that's hidden in the green pocket of my journal i see yours lips speaking. hurting. pretending you lied to me. i lied to me too. when i thought that i could go a week imagining your fingers around that cigarette and your lips laughing without dying. i think i've frozen though, my fingers halfway to my mouth my teeth tears sharper, in a cold lump somewhere between my throat and my eyes weighed down like a full belly moon i only wish you saw me glow that way. i only saw you smoking and my lips begged for more. OneThousandFifteen she giggles and so do I and in the next sentence we lose the understanding of the room. we never had a secret language, my sister and I, but all the same following our conversations is an uphill battle. maybe it's those cliched long night talks or those obvious shopping days, days where the stores were less important than the way her hair falls around her cheeks and her eyes blaze. my lips begged for more and she continues. Telling me a story it takes seventeen years to tell. I laugh and she laughs and outside the world looks puzzled. (for Buzzy)
I can tell that you say things about me that would make me angry when I'm not there I almost hear you in the kitchen ... if only she tried
my way
she would be happy...
,they say
... if only she tried
our way
,they say
she's trying to be herself and it's not that complicated rain always rain roaring in my heart my mouth rain powerful today untraceable untraceable face like a little sister a cousin a stranger dying in the best age the best age and outside the world looks puzzled because of what I never tell them can't ever tell them it's not polite to say I hate because I love
For Robyn OneThousandSeventeen always rain it rhymes with pain that's what i need right? rhymes reverse meanings right? you reverses me i reverses you and we're both gone we're gone and we're never coming back back to here back to the raindrops back to the wet faces in the rain to avoid the screams in the rain because the kitchen is cold we're never coming back here right? is there rain where we're going? is there sunshine to melt it and earth to absorb it? do we care? always run running carries me running is a word i use to often run is what i'm trying to do and she's trying and trying and trying again and i tell her "slow down i can't" she can't either i'm running fast not enought to dodge the raindrops i didn't used to avoid they used to be my escape now i escape them and they escape me and we collide the kitchen was cold it was cold so long ago and my feet ached (from the cold) and i had to escape and there was a time i told her, i said "we weren't made to escape. none of us you'll find your place" but it never ended and i'm still looking looking to hard harder than thinking thinking harder than rain and running harder than all of it. what rhmes with escape?
OneThousandEighteen with escape like smoke from a clove. dissipating into the atmosphere what makes gray skies romance? i can't feel my fingers can't feel my stomach my throat feels too much, and i am ready to lay myself down cold and stiff as train tracks and drink until the feeling comes back to my toes. sinking into corruption, embracing your vices. now that's romantic. OneZeroOneNine train tracks rolling by underneath I am accustomed to the the gentle rocking of the train steady beneath my feet. I giggle at the people falling over themselves, knocked off balance by the motion of the train, while I skip down the aisle with a cup of water in each hand nearly hitting my head on the low ceiling. We're off on an adventure. ~Qetyria~ OneThousandTwenty To begin with, I reserve the right to be angry. Curse. I am accustomed to dangs and don't and pleases tears this a girl has practice at, but if masculinity means stomping and shouting when the need arises then maybe I should learn. tears and pleases take you to the end of the journey sometimes, and then when you hit the wall, you just have to hit it hard sometimes. dang doesn't cut it. so let's hear it, girls, for screaming and shit and fuck and hell, cunts amplify yourselves, loves
NumberOneThousandTwentyOne amplify the need, the hurt to write another poem. melodrama they call it. unnecessary pain so words will fall like blood or tears you see, i can write even when i am not bleeding. sinking soft like pj bottoms i have no words left to wail the world is slinking comfortably the fire crackles and i pad around my life like pink fuzzy slippers with nothing to say, no noise to make, my throat has grown tight with unuse if i needed to scream for help i don't think i could. i miss the songs the harmonies i miss even the mourning, the sorrow don't know where i disappeared to. but i'm ready to magnify the details again just so i can write another poem. that's the me gone missing. OneThousandTwentyTwo if i needed to scream for help would you even hear me? life swirling on around me nobody sensing that i need a loving touch a helping hand a kind word goddamn my smiling face can't you tell its a facade? can't you see i'm hurting? i'm too stubborn to admit defeat weakness faults walking calmly by the rage locked inside and the only thing you can see is my smiling face i'm sorry i'm not good enough i'm sorry i have problems too you thought i was perfect and now i've got to burst that crystal bubble i need to feel salty tears trickling down my face to expell these feelings i keep locked inside. i ask you again, if i needed to scream for help would you be there to hold me?
1023 goddamn my smiling face what right do i have to smile when all i can do is watch your boans sinking underneeth your waight. what right do i have to frown when i look into your ink splattered poetry and see mama beating you. what the fucks the matter with the human race? our hole planet's at arms langth we don't deserve this place. come over here bitch let me teach you what's real.
OneThousandTwentyFour our whole planet is turning me over shaking my pockets out and comparing me to the rest you're taller than her but hell if her hair isn't longer the girl (upside down of course) next to me is smiling as if long hair will win her the world long long long my legs are long and she doesn't care. i just smile 'cause i know and when they start to scream at us to yell and put us down i'll be able to run faster.
1025 next to me two days and four states all day and all night a shoulder I fell asleep on It's morning, what does that matter? It's just the beginning of all day. you're asleep, you have been you didn't notice, that's good. we speed through fields under a sky that's too big too pale too pure
OneThousandTwentySix speed through channels like i want to speed through life like waves like salt spray splashing like alliteration like precipitation keep my fingers moving typing keep them from stagnating sitting still will be the death of me never let me stay in one spot driving to our destinition and i want to know what's next give me movement like dancers like surfers i want to be the board i am so bored so someone set me free.
OneThousandTwentySeven in one spot i will sit and brood like i'm trying to lay an egg of what my life could be. and inside that shell i would squawk claw, peck and ultimately crow. but then i'd probably wish that i could fly.
OneThousandTwentyEight i don't ask i just lession because i no longer pertend that i could fly. i no longer care if your fixing your hair i already know it will be prityer then mine. i no longer play along to you love games ive stoped my cry tears because my tears have ran away and i simply no longer care who you dream with now. i rase my fists and wash my hands of every love game you tryed to break me in.
OneThousandTwentyNine ran away like a tail who has no choice but go where the dog leaps. don't stay they might catch you then.
OneThousandThirty Catch you then, I did. Were you scared? Were you scared that I saw your heart's desire when you'd never let it been seen in the light of day? Were you scared when our breath was heavy in our sides, when your chest heaved as mine did, and we had exploding stars for eyes? Were you scared as we whispered things across a computer screen, things that aren't meant for computer screens, things that are meant for soft hair and breathless lips and shaking fingers undoing a shirt button? I was scared. I am always scared in some way, though my fear shows. I let it spill through my split seams white and fluffy like the spilled guts of a stuffed animal. But your fear doesn't show. You block it with anger and then cry where no one will see you and point out your weakness. Where no one will call you a little boy. Where no one can help you at all. ~Becky~ TenThirtyOne where no one can help you at all beneath the bonds of time and space somewhere, in a distant place all, all alone. TenThirtyTwo All, all alone Somewhere in a distant place It gets dark A little too early The ice starts creeping A little too surely. Mid-afternoon Sun peering through the curtains It gets hungry A little too often The lust for misery Silently perches On your finger When it's thirsty it drinks Even of blankened waters.
OneThousandThirtyThree hungry for that feeling of being trodden on is that it? i go looking for this. an excuse to cry. like picking out the saddest movies just so i can explain the tears. i go searching for your spikes your steel toed boots so i have some reason to bleed. yeah. hurt me again. it's what i want why i go begging for scars i heard a long time ago that skin is only alive if it can be cut open.
OneThreeFour i heard a long time ago that you loved me that we were different, that i was not another cliche i heard colors and saw numbers floating into my head and they made sense that night made sense because you loved me and i was that close to loving you i take every moment as it comes so i haven't known you very long and i can accept the spaces between your eyes for what they are spaces i can accept anything living every moment you accepted my fears, and traded them for your own i would give you poems, but you have your own and i would give you love, but i have none i would give you space i have that i heard that space is silent and dark and cold and there are no stars only burning gas hurtling around going nowhere round and round at some point you have to stop the merrygoround and laugh and swallow your tongue give the world some space, simplify to the grass underneath you and the clouds twisting around your eyes i try to shut out sounds except for my heartbeat, tonight i can't find it in the dins of shoulds and loved and everything that should already have happened there is no time for the past and poems end because they are present and don't fit into any future
OneThreeFive their voices have faded at least I can't hear the yelling anymore i saw the world and how beautiful it was. i came back looking for change I can't find it. so much for avoiding old habbits why do they always act pretty on the outside?
I came back looking for change, And what did I find? Just the dust bunnies hybernating under my bed, Just the cold house shrouded in snow, Waiting with frost-bitten arms To welcome me home. I stare at the computer screen Like I think it has eyes, A brain, A warm reddish heart that can Beat beat beat All the night long, And in the morning Make me coffe and scrambled eggs, And when I say the three magic words, Soft like shards of breaking porcelain, I forget that the glow is inhuman, The heart is a computer chip, And that "I love you" can never be returned. ~Becky~ 1000-30-7 Sometimes I worry I spend too much time Looking for answers In you And what do I find? No answers Just an open heart And an open mind An "I love you" And I realize I don't need answers You're plenty
OneThousandThirtyEight i still sometimes fall asleep to you not often i still sometimes dream about you & it startles me awake to find my hands clutching covers trying to hide my pride beneath tie-dyed blankets covering the scars i know exist from finding my only sanctuary in writing blood onto my skin still sometimes i worry about you despite the fact that i'm trying to forget i ever met you despite the fact that i never want to see you again still sometimes when the moon shines in my eyes on some winter night i can smile about you it's rare but it's there.
OneThousandThirtyNine it startles me awake to find that i've let anothoer 3am pass by without so much as a wish on a star. today i fly and when i wish it'll be on your fallen eyelash i'll collect words on a necklace preparing them for when i get to say them to your face. another 3am conversation shooting by like stars like i will fly to you.
OneThousandForty I've let another 3am pass by and bed is just one of those places you go when the world has stopped sparkling and the room has stopped spinning. Sleep is a last resort flung aside in disdain. The sound of your voice catches in my ears like sandpaper and I want to catch it like fairy dust and pour it all over my room, and horde that mysterious glow you give me like candy. But there are always sighs hidden in the fabric of the night, There are so many hidden whys There are so many reasons not to try There are so many things I don't want to say tonight There are so many reasons I will say them anyway There are so many times I've walked on a tightrope for you And I just don't want to fall off this time. When I hang up the phone, I want the world to keep spinning. OneThousandFortyOne We both know how this will go it's inevitable to see the smile on your face You let go you say you say to me i say no you say yes. We look at each other like from across a wide canyon & you smile I told you so i say you say no i say yes. We never knew how to say yes together. & when we want to be together again being true & no good together being arguementive & dumb together the sound of your voice will catch in my ears & we both know the smile on your face you say no & we look at each other & i just smile.
OneThousandFortyTwo Being argumentitive and dumb together we seem to regress to little children, screaming just to make the other one scream. When I'm around you, it seems like I can't think straight, all I want to do is chase you around with thinly veiled insults on my lips. But isn't that what flirting's all about? Oh but when are you gonna see me for who I am? What's all this waiting for, where's all this waiting going to get us in the end? I wish on dandelions behind lowered eyelids, worried you'll see my wish shining in my eyes and break my heart with your laughter before the white seeds have flown on the wind. I'm so afraid I'll overstep my boundries one day, say something I never meant and shove you away where I never wanted you to go. I think I see you softening today, I think I see a chink in your armor, a soft, downy spot, longing to be seen, longing to be touched. But then you slam shut the door on your weakness, spit insults at me, and I spit them back, and hide my tears of frustration behind inflicting more pain. I long for trust. I long for just one poppy in this field of fucking dandelions. ~Becky~ OneThousandFortyThree "Awaken" If I could partake in your discussions Yet no words form on my lips And my heart is only full Of vague dreams. They don't mean a thing. If I could wave my long hair Wet, soaked with knowledge They say it's power, to know I'd like to experience the glow. If I could put pen to paper And watch the words roll smooth Beneath the strong grey sky, sooth The anxious way of too much seen The bridled emotions of what has been. I clasp these ravaged hands And ask to be given just a chance For just behind my eyes, blurred With sleep, and the endless numbness Of things that could be Forgotten. More than I ever knew Could be said, but I need time, For I have not quite awakened I need to awaken yet.
OneThousandFortyFour They don't mean a thing, their smiles, their laughter they're millions of miles away it seems My happiness along with them I cry for hours on end for you but you're still not here why aren't you here? You left, and you didn't say goodbye where did you go? No. it doesn't matter anymore I'm alone. I no longer feel warmth that friends hugs use to bring I long for their hugs though, and their smiles laughter, a kind word but will I ever get them? Not while you're gone, come back home. that's where you're supposed to be, you left, and never came /home/ I needed you, and you weren't there I loved you and you couldn't return that love They don't mean a thing though, I still need their smiles and laughter to keep me going even though I don't want to..-Snow OneThousandFortyFive and their smiles their smiles are electric she looks at him with eyes of questioning she lets down her walls and says "i don't know" the words are hard, the very words because she's always known everything and their smiles, their smiles are alive and he looks at her with an answer but it isn't the one to her question it's the answer to the question he asked him self oh so long ago and their smiles their smiles are his answer. they'll be her's too but not for a few years and their smiles their smiles are electric
OneThousandFortySix their smiles are like guitar strings making the best music. they are like tightropes the exhiliration of height and the safety net beneath.
OneThousandFortySeven They are like Cows Sitting slack-jawed around the carefully decorated living room, pinks and browns tasteful under they're unadmiring hooves. I'm in the center with my little pool of life, my boys and the makeup spread around me like an artist's pallate. He's like a calf beneath my hands, big blue eyes and innocent lips, eyelashes long and lush like grass. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye as I brush on mascara, one black stroke after another, transfiguring him. "I want to look like a whore!" he giggles. I giggle. The blue eyeshadow piles up. Behind us, the cows watch us with quiet rapture. ~Becky~ OneThousandFortyEight He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and I look back but he turns away. i wish i understood what the glance was for i wish i knew whether or not we were on the same page. but now I think i understand how it works that you can trust no one and no one can trust you we live in a world of lies intertwined with truth so that nothing is real anymore. we don't see anything we can't hear or feel love is an illusion we paint with eachother's fingers like children.
OneThousandFortyNine a unanimous night falls, and this is how is works: we decide it's dark. an imagination is a powerful thing and worse when two girls use their together. magic. magic is when we're sitting in the dark and suddenly say the same thing. magic is when we start walking and end up in the same place. best friends is magic. (well and so is a lot of other things, and later you will all recieve your own poetry, but this is a sonnet for the sorcery of a best friend)
OneThousandFifty we're sitting in the dark and the night is a bad horror movie, suddenly. i don't know where i'm going to sleep and god, tonight i need someone's arms around me tomorrow is the day that i decide whether or not i am a failure and tonight i don't want to see how the story ends.
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