Having been in a polyamourous relationship for (thinks) maybe four months now, and having talked to a few people about such things, I'm interested in your thoughts on the subject. Right? Wrong? Is it right for you? Do polygamous people make you uncomfortable? Is an 'open relationship polygamy, and how do those sit with you? Etc, etc, etc... -Robyn I'm too darn much of the jealous type for it to ever work...I mean, no that's not true. If we three really really loved each other and no one felt left out...but I think that's it's hard enough to get two people who love each other so much that three is near impossible. Basically I think that it just intensifies a relationship, in a bad way but also in a good way. It makes everything bigger, so to speak. I definately can't just go from one person to another though, have different sexual partners, cuz I get too attached for that, I've already tried it. I'm fine with other people not wanting to be in a a monogomous relationship though, so long as they make that clear to the people with whom they're, er, cavorting? There's another thing. A woman I know, married with two children, has recently decided she's polyamourous. Basically I think she's just unhappy with her marriage; this is sort of her way out. All of us, obviously, are attracted to more than one person, but it depends on your level of commitment and love to the person(s) you're with. ~Athena. Hmmm... its a little hard to start writing this, when the question isn't just a hypothetic one anymore. There's people who will read this, who are in polyamourous relationships... and I wish them the best of luck, and the happiest of lives. I don't think that what they're doing is morally wrong, or anything like that. I wish them the best. That said... here's my other thoughts.... But that said... hmm... when I first heard about the trio my reaction was one actually of fear. Fear for myself. Fear, because I've already struggled enough with the fact that teenagers today seem to think that its perfectly alright for a guy or girl in a relationship to have a really close friend of the opposite gender... and I was taught that wasn't... I have problems with the idea that guys I dated wanted that sort of thing... wanted to be able to be in a relationship with me, but have another girl for a confident. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship when the guy wants that... its just... against what I've been taught, against what I could live with. I'm all for the very traditional idea that guys, once in a really steady relationship, should avoid ever being alone with a girl other than their partner... should take care not to be seen to flirt, or to get to close, to another girl. And that girls should do the same, about avoiding close friendships with other guys. That's just... what I think... and I went through some hard times wondering if I'm just too jealous and controlling, because that's what people around me seemed to think I am. (I have come to the conclusion, that on this one aspect, I am really just not going to change. James understands, or at least claims to understand, that no, it isn't that I think that he's sleeping with a girl, if I get jealous and upset about his friendship with her... but that the friendship can be threatening to me anyway, even if it isn't sexual. And although he doesn't always like my complaints, he knows I'm not going to change, and says, its okay, because I am his first concern. No other girl is more important to him than to me, and he will make that totally apparent in his actions.) Anyway.... so then, I hear about people saying, its perfectly great not just for the people to have a friendship with others, outside of their main relationship, but to then welcome that person into the relationship, and I think... oh no, is this what is going to become acceptable? Is this what... well, I won't have to deal with that really, because my husband-to-be knows I couldn't take this... but is this the kind of thing that my children are going to have to face others wanting them to be a part of? If my children should decide that they don't want to be in a polyamourous relationship, will they be told that they're too jealous and controlling? Will that social-pressure be such that they'll face the suicidal thoughts I had to face? So my first reaction to the idea of polyamourous relationships is fear. My next though was "it won't survive". Or that people are really childish and nieve to think it could... I mean... okay, I grew up with Shippy and Dawn as my closest friends. (read: only friends). And there were time when that three way friendship only worked because I knew that I was the odd one out, and if anything happened, they would go on being twin sisters and super-super close friends, and I would just be left as the outside one. And I think... is that what people in polyamourous relationships would have to face? Fearing being the outside one? Would people hide their true feelings because they're scared that if it comes to a crunch, the other two would choose each other over you? Fuck, relationships are hard enough with two people, what would it be like with three? And would the fact that three-somes are unusual (possibly too difficult) be an excuse to abandon one person when the going gets tough? Or maybe threesomes are easier. Maybe having three people, there's always someone there for you, when in a two-person relationship there's normally sometimes when one member is to distracted or in some way doesn't quite fill the others needs. I don't know. Would I be uncomfortable around people who were open about their three way relationship? No, I don't think so. I would be curious, and worried that I'd make them uncomfortable by my questioning and watching... and I might possible feel uncomfortable about my own thoughts... I tend to think thoughts, and then observe and question my own thoughts, and watching three-way relationships would definately give me a lot of thoughts to stew over. (And then sometimes I get critical of myself for thinking and judging and questioning what others do... even if I can recognize, that more important than any of my own questions or concerns is how happy the other people are in it, and that they do their own things, make their own choices.) But I think I can recognize and appreciate the openness and honesty better than... it bugs me when people hide their relationships. Over the summer I worked with two girls who were hiding the fact that they were lovers, and that ended up causing a lot of chaos because, in trying to hide it, they started to act nasty and hateful to the rest of us working there. Openness is better, if people can manage it, even if it makes other people a little curious and possibly uncomfortable. Have I babbled too much? If so, I appologize. - Christy Polyamory isn't right for me, at least speaking from both my current relationship and from having been in a both-ways long distance V for about seven months two years ago (as a few dedicated friends/fans from #nbtsc will overwell remember). I don't think that it has a good chance of working out in the long term for *many* people, simply because pair relationships are so difficult for so many people, and a lot of relationship problems I don't think this means that it can't work out or that it shouldn't be attempted, I just think it's especially difficult and might not last forever. There are certainly polyamorous relationships that have lasted happily for decades, and I've encouraged all of my friends attempting polyamory to tap into the cultural support that's available. Personally, I'm quite happy with a monogamous pair relationship. It's simple and satisfying. I think that although group dynamics certainly exist, all relationships are essentially pair relationships. If you add a third person, there are simply three pair relationships. Need to go make dinner... Julie(lipse
Okay... some things I've been contemplating. Reading Julia's response made me consider a few things. I think relationships aren't limited to two, but if there's three of you, there's four relationships [1] Heterodynes all the way down....[2] [2] Turtles all the way down.... This is kind of a weird subject for me because my parents were both polyamourous and it didn't work out at all. As such, I'm kind of baised on the subject. I guess I think it's a BRILLIANT idea. I mean, in my ideal world, that's totally the way I'd want to approach a relationship and such.. I really don't believe in 'one person for everyone'.. so it makes perfect sense. But it just seems to me like, emotionally, it's a hard thing to control. Jealousy gets thrown in and all that... at least in my case it would (Which annoys me to no end) I really do think it's a great idea.. and if it works.. yes.. totally. But I don't think it could ever work for me. -Zen I think it's totally amusing that everyone who posted here had some prediction to make as to whether or not poly relationships could work out. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and you don't see us writing off that whole institution. Sure, poly relationships can be more complicated, because there are more people involved. But that's it, really. Anything else comes down to who is involved, and how they interact. That said, I'd like to hint at some of Robyn's motivations for starting this page, and say that this threesome compliments each other in such interesting ways, and I care about all of them so much, that I am really happy to see them all sharing the love. [1] Jessica
Go it! -Spike [1] Ach, am I really that easy to read? (wink) -Robyn
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