Blank Slate. I'm so hungry I can hardly type. *5:49am August 19, 2001* The anger is gone. The rage subsided. The bitter scabs have been pulled clean... Leaving raw, delicate skin. Skin with the same prints as it always had, the same identifying marks, but more warry than before. I'm back to my roots, back to my soul, back to were I started, and I'm starting again. I'm back to meloncholly, back to innocence, back to young again, back to the beginings. I'm where I've been going, I'm to what I've been waiting for. I'm all the way, to what I've been prepping for. ...the beginning of my life. In five years time, I'll look back at now, and see the life I've had so far as a test run, or two or three, of what is to become, of life for me. These have been my baby steps, these have been my training shoes, these have been the voyages of someone still in the womb. the hell I've been through, and the heaven I've had, are true as anything, real as the world, real as imagination, strong as vadka, hard as dimond, and as vast as a dime to the life that starts now. The Water Has Broke. The Contractions Have Started. Soon I'll Be Born. Into the same world I've been in all along. Watch me now, Watch me shriek as the air hits me for the first time, and I wake to find myself exactly where I've always been. Apparently I'm supposed to be "motivated." Apparently I'm supposed to want to be "productive." Apparently I'm supposed to want to "achieve something in life." Apparently I'm supposed to dedicate my body, mind, soul, and all my will power to bettering myself, or the world. but.... what if I'm.... what if the world is.... what if... I'm fine? You're too pretty. you're too pretty, you're too much, you too cute, and too... yeah... to touch. Am I safe? am I satisfied? or am I just scared, and so terrified that I lied? you're too pretty, you're too deep, you're too volitile, you're too... scary. you're too....... possibly maybe. I used to like the impossible girls, now even they scare me so much I run away. anyway... I'll feel better in the morning. by the way, I never said this. I'm not swoon. I'm satisfied. I'm content. I'm pleased. ...heh... that's even almost true.... I am content with where I am in life... I'm too scared of some things to want them, and I have most of the other things I want... *1:14am Monday, October 1st, 2001* I've grown up a lot. I've matured greatly. I hadn't realised it, but it's true. I've learned an important bit of wisdom: Most of the time you're much less of a moron if you keep your mouth shut. *4amish saturday, October 6th* Sing it sweet, my china girl, sing your love out, to the world. So pretty now, she'll be bitter then, just a few more years, for life to sink in, So innocent, and not at all, you stir memories, of my first big fall, young ones, down to earth, but glowing with life, vibrant... so delicate, or so it would seem, so pretty... so dreamy. give them a few years... robust confidence will appear, along with waryness, along with... worry, and a sertain staleness refered to by some cynics as "real life" I wonder if I've gone stale... Here I sit, 4am, reminded of tori amos songs and first loves, porclen dolls and drug addicts, the beauty of youth and why I should be glad I'm older now... here I sit, trying to process all the things I've experienced since the last time I had time to think before I talked... here I sit... with a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm not nearly as through shitting myself as I've been claming, and another nagging feeling that little white bullshits might well describe the truth better than my mumbled, incohearant attempts at honesty. watch zack's brain go splat. *1:12am Monday, October 7th* Ninja training is good for one's soul. Especially unschooler style tai-chi ninja training. wooha! *8:40pm, thursday, October 11th* When the tao is forgotten, goodness and piety appear. When the body's intellegence declines, cleverness and knowledge step forth. When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins. When the country falls into chaos, patriotism is born. ~Tao Te Ching~ *2:02am, saturday, october 13th* One year. a year ago right about now... either the day that's just ended, or the one that's just begun, I can't remember which... she told me she couldn't do it anymore. "God I feel like hell tonight, tears of rage I cannot fight, I'd be the last to help you understand, Are you strong enough to be my man? my man... Nothing's true and nothing's right, so let me be alone tonight, you can't change the way I am, are you strong enought to be my man lie to me I promise I'll believe lie to me but please don't leave. I have a face I cannot show, I make the rules up as I go, It's try and love me it you can, are you strong enough to be my man? my man... When I've shown you that I just don't care, when I'm throwing punches in the air, when I'm broken down and cannot stand, will you be stong enough to be my man. lie to me, I promise I'll believe, lie to me, but please don't leave..." ~Sheryl Crow~ *** "It's obvious the trouble we're in when your father pulls up in a mercedes benz he says he just happened to be in the neighborhood but before he leaves he slips the landlord the rent you say "it's just a question of eliminating obstacles" as you throw you dinner out the kitchen door you say "I know how you try but honey, let's east out tonight" no one said it would be easy but no one said it'd be this hard no one said it would be easy no one thought we'd come this far you can't seem to ever fold up a shirt I bring it up and you think I'm a jerk but I think we're here to stay I can't imagine it any other way no one said it would be easy but no one said it'd be this hard no one said it would be easy no one thought we'd come this far sometimes I wonder who he's picturing when he looks at me... when he looks at me and smiles no one said it would be easy but no one said it'd be this hard no one said it would be easy no one thought we'd come this far oh, and look we've come this far" ~Sheryl Crow~
writen at the montana men's gathering, oct 20, 2001 *edited Nov. 7* Ten thousand years ago, birthplace of this experament. perhaps a worthy thing to try, but why... oh... why... have we taken the joke this far? what has been the benifit? what has it gotten us? many things of beauty, and our hearts full of shame. conquering this planet, to dominate this world, has been the meme passed down, to every boy and girl. we preach a monoculture, our way and only our way, if it doesn't serve our purposes, then we're not gonna let it stay. we define ourselves as different, god's favorite creation, superior to the world, but destine for damnation. our lives have become empty, our souls just shriek in pain, our money says "in god we trust," and we pray for a quarterly gain, and I ask why... oh... why... have we taken the joke so far? full of vengful pride, and national histeria, we scream "United We Stand," and "God Bless America." we have no sence of history, or of the cultures that we drown, no concept of the tao, or the world we're tearing down. no compassion for others, no compassion for our brothers, no compassion for ourselves, or even for our lovers. of our laws we're proud, human rights and a minimum wage, but never do we give a damn, if it ain't americans bein' inslaved. our very own companies, our very own corporations, can do whatever they see fit, if they do it in other nations. rape and pillage scorch the earth work'm for every- thing they're worth and bring it back yeah bring it back bring it back to the land of the free yeah, bring it back to the home of the brave cause if you're not american... then you're nothin' but a slave. rape and pillage scorch the earth work'm for every- thing they're worth and bring it back yeah bring it back bring it back to the land of the free yeah, bring it back to the home of the brave cause if you're not american... then you're nothin' but a slave. arabs? you're not human! mexicans? clean our streets! japanese? make us toys! indonesians? make us trinkets! africans? pay your debts! europeans? you're washed up! russians? you lost! starving iraqi children? feel our wrath, bitch. we think we are the chosen one's, we think god is on our side, we think that anything we do, mr. white beard smiles with pride. so now we're out to kill, all who'd stand in our way. and it's a global act of treason, to shout "FUCK YOU USA!" now I am not a pacifist, not apposed to retaliation, if I'd had aim at a hijacker, I'd have killed without hesitation... but can you see the hipocracy when the world's first democracy plays dictator to the whole wide world we say let us in here, and on a landing strip there, so we can kill your neighbors, from the air, we send in our troops all around the earth 'n tell'm "kill and arab for the land of your birth" cause we won't stand for any man to say america isn't first we want our oil and nike shoes it's against god's will for us to loose. so we won't back down or compromise cause we have vengence in our eyes our holy right to scorch the earth given to us by a right of birth has been put in question put in doubt so lets show these mother fuckers what we're about we won't back down or compromise we want bin laden dead or alive so bring him back yeah bring him back bring him back so the world can see that they best not fuck with the land of the free or little boy george will poke them in the eye and say with great compassion... "respect mah authority" what do we expect of our little war? to kill the al qaeta and live in fear never more? do we truely believe that peace will reign just as soon as bin laden has been slain? are we truely so arrogant so insane to think american domination can be permanently maintained? what of the young ones in the middle east who see their countries invaded by american police do we think that they'll be thankfull for the law that we impose? if we only aim at extremists and usually hit pretty close? do we think they will celebrate, american domination, and forget about their neighbors who we've sanctioned into starvation? don't answer me that yet answer me this first tell me how you'd feel with the surcomstance reverced... Pat Buchannon hunted down afgan troops in every town washington D.C. laid to waste and the bush dinasty has fled in haste "it's for your own good can't you see you've been owned by oil you're not free! the TV avangelists have kept you down so we're gonna run them out of town they've killed a million in Iraq alone they're evil terrorists and they're in your home so go ahead and have some beans and rice just don't fight back and all will be nice we want peace with the people who we leave alive so if you follow our morals we hope you thrive so just let us in to lay your land to waste and we asure you when we're done we'll leave.. in haste." *4:50 am, Nov. 7th* woo! got my computer on-line again finally, DSL on the way in a couple weeks, phone line of my own, (ask me about my new telephone number!), I got bookshelves which means my room should be getting walk-through-able soon now that I have a place to put the stuff, my finger, which I gouged, is healing up pretty nicely, I have a place I might be able to get (and thoroughly enjoy) employment when the damn license makes it through the beaurocracy, I found out that getting nationally certified will only be another $40 instead of $225 now that I've already taken their test and paid the state $150 , which is quite nice... now I just need to deposit the last check I'm getting from my dad to help with massage school, and find a hardware store to buy sealent to put on the shelves so I can actually put them together, and get business cards made, and get liability insurence so I actually can work when my license comes, and get a washer and drier and a water filter and a dishdrain and a space heater, and I need to read several books and find that damn elusive tai-chi class and call all the people I've been ignoring horibly... like everyone but my mum and my roommates... /me gasps for breath. oh yeah... and I was going to start listening to my body, which, for the first time in my life, has been telling me to get on an early sleep schedule... hmmm... I don't think going to bed at 5am was quite what it had in mind... *pause* nope, it says quite deffinitely not, and not to forget that I need to do laundry and take a shower in the next couple days too. *2:42am, Nov 8* this writing is dedicated to change, to people who fear it, to people who charish it, to people who cause it, and most of all, to people who get it delivered by ups without ordering it, and are killed and resurected by it in time for tea. * * * Lover in the front seat, gazing in your eyes, mother in the back seat, telling you where to drive, culture in your ear, telling you lots of lies, and the skeleton in the trunk, would he care if she dies? "Hold on, hold on to yourself, cause this is gonna hurt like hell..." screeching tires, spinning wheel, upside down now, how's it feel... mother's useless, lover bails, culture damns you, and father just fails... "Under a blackened sky, far beyond the gowing streetlights, sleeping on empty dreams, the vultures lie in wait" blakened, darkend, burnt you lie... under blakened, darkened, cloudless, moonless, starless, sky... black birds, vultures, eat and pick and jab... you're dead and dying, done but still in pain, your soul stares down at your body from above, surtain of the death, but still feeling every sensation from every bleeding limb, from every peck of the vulture's beak. "when all we wanted was to dream, to have and to hold that precious little thing, like every generation yields, the new born hope unjaded by their years" young you were, and thought you knew how everything would be, how it would stay, eternal exactitude, just rightness... bliss. and now you lie dead, slain by surcomstance, ripped open by the steering wheel that turned on it's own under your hands... your carcass lies.. picked dry by the worms that set in. "Pressed up against the glass, found myself unwanted sympathy, but to be consumed again, oh I know would be the death of me" go away, go away, why won't they go away... can't they see I'm dead? slain, broken, not the pearl I once was, tarnished, maimed, not to be loved, stoppit, I suck, the world sucks, it's all fucked, I said we're all fucked! you don't pitty me, you're blind, you're neive to think your optimism is founded and my misery an illusion. "Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory, falling on my head like a new emotion..." The clouds move in, the rain falls down on your bones, the drops run over your skull like tears - more tears than your body ever could have held, the last bits of flesh are washed away, the blood stains come clean and disapear into the ground benieth you, your skeleton is white... white... white... the rain continues, drowning your corpse, drowning your pain... the ditch you lived and died in fills to the top, burying your former body, your former life, in mud, as the rain stops. night has passed, the sun has dawned, the clouds drift away... and you find yourself, staring into a puddle, at your own reflexion... you notice the face... the beautiful face... you notice the legs, fit to take you where ever you want to go... you notice the heart, so full it nearly glows through your chest... you notice the arms, still scarred with the marks of the vulture... you notice the eyes... you loose yourself in the eyes, untill you look beyond the reflexion, deep into the puddle, and see your old self, the husk you've shed, the life that didn't fit, that you grew yourself out of the hard way... You flex your new body, your new life, you inspect yourself closely in the mirror of the puddle, you see beauty, and possibility. you see yourself for the first time, you see yourself reflected in your own eyes, not in others, you affirm your own existance, your own passion, and your own purpose. you turn around and find your old aquaintences staring at you... "Are you done being mellowdramatic yet? could you wash the dishes now? and take out the garbage!" you just laugh. they're the same. they're just exactly as they have been. they haven't grown any. they don't know what life is. you've died inside, experienced your own personal hell, and lived to tell the tail. you've been pushed to your limits and then a mile past them, and you're not dead. you're made of tougher stuff than anyone except that excentric old history teacher ever expected. you've learned a thousand lessons, burned away your old fears and hand-ups, and stand now in a place you never could have gotten to any other way. you've learned just how much pain your passion can burn through, just how many crutches you can do without, just how many times you can fall and get back up again... you didn't spill any blood when the knife dove deep into your back, because the person who plunged and twisted it had already gotten under your skin, and by your own bidding no less. and for all that, you wouldn't change a second of it. you've lived through your very soul being ripped in half and fed to a dog, you can handle life. bad hair day? bring it on. idiotic politicians? bring it on. washing the dishes and cleaning the toilet? bring it on. cultural colapse? okay. manipulative friend? oxy moron. boring life? not on my watch, I have shit to do. I'm a warrior. I live life with passion. I walk my own path. *6:20am, November 13th, quote found in a Dan Millman book...* The important thing is this: To be ready at any moment to sacrafice what we are for what we could become. ~Charles Dubois~ and you open the door and you step inside. we're inside our hearts. now imagine your pain is a white ball of healing light, that's right, your pain, the pain itself, is a white ball of healing light. i don't think so. this is your life, good to the last drop. doesn't get any better than this. this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. this isn't a semenar, this isn't a weekend retreat. where you are now you can't even imagine what the bottom will be like. only after disaster can we be resurected. it's only after you've lost everything can you be free to do anything. nothing is static. everything is evolving. everything is falling apart. this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, doesn't get any better than this. this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. you are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. we are all part of the same compost heap. we are the all singing all dancing crap of the world. you are not your bank account, you are not the clothes you wear, you are not the contents of your wallet, you are not your bowel cancer, you are not your grande latte, you are not the car you drive, you are not your fucking khakis. you have to give up. you have to give up. you have to realise that some day you will die. until you know that, you are useless. i say, let me never be complete. i say, may i never be content. i say, deliver me from swedish furnature. i say, deliver me from clever art. i say, deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth. i say, you have to give up. i say evolve, and let the chips fall where they may. this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, doesn't get any better than this. this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. you have to give up. you have to give up... welcome to fight club. if this is your first night, you have to fight. ~from the last track on the fight club soundtrack~ *okay sue me, I'm addicted to the fight club soundtrack.* humans surtainly are interesting. right now I'm puzzling over my own personal sirens... girls that I fall for, and am addicted to, often before I even get to know them at all. they're doing something different to me than they used to... I used to swoon to my little heart's discontent, and never give up trying, and hoping, and thinking never-neverland lay in their arms. now it's more like a sickening pull, and welling up of emotional urges that just piss me off, because I don't submit to them anymore, I don't want to, because surcomstance and little details end up mattering one day or another, and I've gotten to burned to ignore them again. I'm wary of girls who make me swoon when I don't know why. the shine has been worn off by experience, and I'm not sure what's left... mostly I feel intimidated, and look into the sky with a raised eyebrow and an annoyed look and say "and what exactly am I supposed to do with this compulsion?" part of me keeps insisting it's a pull towards something spiritual and meaningful and... sincere... the rest of me is sick of the catch twenty-two... the compulsion is to make a sexual/romantic relationship out of that feeling, but when I try to, it ends up lousy eventually. The fact is I don't feel good when I get a big crush anymore... the girl intimidates me and my own urges bother me, it feels more like a prelude to disaster than "the start of a very nice friendship." I guess I don't feel like I would make a good partner right now, and that feeling of drunken adoration isn't comfortable, cause my attraction for them is out of my control... they have power a over me, and they always will, no matter what... that doesn't lead to feeling on equal footing with a person... and I think I need to feel on equal footing to be comfortable with someone right now, not swept away. har. and the other half of me is chuckling and asking me what the hell I've got my underware in a knot for, why don't I just enjoy being single till further notice, since I know that's what I need for the moment, until surcomstance blindsides me on a random tuesday afternoon. *Saturday, December 8th, 1:30am, 2001* So I've been talking to nick bw about the whole cob castle thing, and then to a few other people on IRC, and I've been clarifying to myself all the reasons and motives behind my passion for it. It's not just our little community, and the social, brainstorming, raising my kids in a community of audodidacts, and all that that makes me so inspired about this idea. It also connects in with my feelings on our culture as a whole, and my hopes for directions we could go. there's some analogies from Daniel Quinn's books that really get to the point. for those of you who haven't read Quinn, he makes an analogy between everyone in our culture, and the pyramid builders of ancient egypt. we're all scurrying around doing our part to build up our culture higher, and bigger, and more more more, even though most of us don't get much out of it but a shitty life full of debts that we never pay off, dependance on the system and the people who control it. I don't want a bloody revolution to "fix" our cultural problems, I'm not going to chalange the government... because it won't work, the problems go deeper than that, the problems are in the fact that there's total dependance on the entire centralized global infastructure, it does't matter who's in charge, the problem is that so much power is so centralized. the problem is that nobody believes they have any alternitive. I want to show people an alternitive, a way to stop building the pyramid, to just leave, and start doing something else. that's why I'm interested in passive solar architecture, clean energy production of various sorts, water filtering and reuse and efficiency, hydroponics, and getting away from the fucking city. city's reak of everything lousy about the industrial revolution. ...there are some advantages to cities though, and I don't want to loose them, partly because of my own liking of indoor plumbing, refridgeration, computers, etc, but mostly because I don't just want to run away from our culture, I want to be a pioneer, and develope and show people ways to stop building the pyramid, a way to just up and stop being a "productive member" of a society that seems to take pride in domination and destruction of the planet and everything on it... and I want to show people a way do leave without giving up things that benifit they're lives. If people feel like they're giving something up, not many of them will abandon one way of life for another for some rightious and commendable, but still abstract reason, pertaining to the eventual collapse of the eccosystem (an unimaginable thing) some time in the who-knows-when future. I probably won't myself. That's why I want to do this unschooler village, to show that it can be done. and that's why I don't want to "rough it", at least not permanently. I might be able to live that way myself, but it's not going to interest many people, and we're not going to change the world just by running away, we're only going to change the world if we cause a lot of other people to change how they live, and those other people aren't going to come in flocks if they have to use an outhouse, take 3 minute showers, and raise goats. I want to pioneer a way of living that stops killing the planet, but doesn't involve catastrophy, war, starvation, or loosing any of the usefull developements we've made. I like feeling connected to the world, that's one thing a city does, but the internet and other telecommunications do that, so we can keep that, we can keep the exposure to lots of different people and ideas that are an advantage of cities, but leave the urban sprawl where you don't know your neighbors and drive an hour and a half to work. We we can develope local clean power sources that provide a reliable power supply that doesn't feel like it's scrimping, but doesn't depend on the grid, and is as clean as possible. ...and we can filter and reuse water instead of just using up all the naturally clean water until there is no more. the list goes on. that is why I'm so passionate about all the building a community ideas. the social/community thing, with our community specifically, is very important, but if we do this half asked and have only living near eachother for it's own sake as our goal, we won't get very far cause we'll likely try to "rough it" to be together, and eventually we'll snap, one person at a time, and leave, till the dream dies. We need to make our community a home. we need it to feel like home to everyone there, it needs to be comfortable, we need to base it on what we'd like to have as an actual place to live, not just "hey, wouldn't it be cool to be at camp, except not leave?" I think we all have asperations to go places and do things, be it collage, or travel, or what have you, but I'd love to see a place we could call home. I'd love to have a home base that I can come back to after my travels, and I'd love it to be the sort of thing we've talked about in CobCastle and the other gazillion pages about this on wiki. I'm gonna make this happen god damnit. not today, not tomorrow, but in my lifetime. and not at the tale end of my life either. I mean really, what else would be worth bothering with? *stay tuned next week for "I need a teleporter" or "what the hell am I gonna do with my life?" ...3:20ish am, dec 23rd* So let me start in the middle... So there's this school in atlanta with this 8 month course starting in three weeks that is just the stuff I want to learn, from just the teachers I want to learn it from... but I don't want to live in atlanta, don't want to deal with that school's politics, I don't want to pay them their outragious prices or live in the bastardly apartment complex next door again, and the course would really only be a couple days a week for me, cause the other part is a repeat of the training I already had... And see... there's this teacher in philadelphia, who's teaching another exactly what I want to learn. but only three or so classes a week, and I don't know if I want to move back here just yet... or for as long as it would take (forever) to learn everything I want from this teacher. But then there's also my mom in philadelphia, and she rocks... and my grandparents are here too, and my brother is in boston, and comes down sometimes, and my sister is south of D.C., and comes up sometimes... and there's this school nearby that might be cool.. but it's for two years... a long commitment. and there's this other school of sorts up in nyc, where I could study more with the teacher who's here in philly. *sigh* so there's this girl in southern california, and several teachers in northern california, and this old friend in portland oregon, and this newer friend in olympia, and this other friend in seattle, and lots of delightful people in texas, and there's parties soon in edmonton, portland, southern california, and perhaps some other places... and all those people are from this community that's all spread out, and mostly living with parents still, and the ones out on their own mostly don't have a clue what direction they're trying to go in, but I still want to be part of that community, and make it grow togetherish, and have a geographic area that it actually acumulates in... and see there's this other school in south carolina, that looks increadable, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet anyway, and I couldn't get in untill I have about three years worth of college credits... and I'm not sure I want to get three years of college credits... but then... I might, I always might... I've heard there might be some colleges focussed around these things I want to learn... but I don't know enough about those colleges yet... I think they might prove a bit beginner level for me at this point... but then... I might want to go to a more normal college, just perhaps... there are some other studies that I could actually see studying in such a place... if I found the right place... but I'm picky... and I have an excentric mix of things I'd like to study. then of course there's that school in florida, with an old teacher I'd love to study with personally... and there's that group of men in montana... and that summercamp in oregon... and that climate in new mexico and/or arizona... though I've never been there, but I think if I could choose a place to center my life, just on climate/weather, it would be there... and then there's that dream... of organizing my own excentric school, of philosophy, music, martial arts, bodywork, self-awareness, healing, meditation, and thinking... and then there's the fact that I could get a job almost anywhere, but haven't got one anywhere, and could earn a decent salary, but haven't earned much of anything yet, and would like to study more, but don't want to go further in debt, and would really enjoy doing my job, but doesn't look forward to being an employee, and having a strict and all-squooshing schedule... what the hell to do... ghads... so many possibilities, such borring probabilities... grr. teleportation much? gah... I want to study tai-chi with john in philly and master marlon in nyc, I want to study reiki with morgan's mum and morgan in olympia, I want to study tui-na and accupressure with william adcock and that other crazy cool teacher in atlanta, I want to study craniosacral therapy with the guy who created the damn method in florida, I want to study meditation with anna wize and internal martial arts with b.k. frantzis in northern cal, I want to go to the college of energetic arts that I've only ever heard of second hand and have no idea where it is, I want to go to the acupuncture school in south carolina that william adcock goes to, I want to learn yungian phsychotherapy, I want to learn how to record, sample, and mix music, I want to learn more about playing music, and singing, with matthew from the men's gathering, I want to study politics and history and human behaviour and social dynamics, but I don't want to just obsorb the standard doctrin on those things... I want to do ceramics and charcoal drawing... I want to read about 100 books, just for starters, I want to do massage, and teach tai-chi, I want to start a crazy school where you learn massage, and reiki, and tai-chi, and chi gung, and yoga, and acupuncture, and chiropractic, and non-traditional psychotherapy, and political action, and singing, and drumming, and investigative reporting, and underground journalism, and you read quinn, and milman, and wimsat, and calvin & hobbes. I want to go to the damn party's in the next month. I want to build our community in the real world. I want to live near my friends, I want to hang out with jake and morgan and nick and marina and heather and ryland all at the same damn time, and then I want to go home to my spacious goddamn studio apartment and lock the door and be thankful for the insane amount of soundproofing. and then I want to get up the next day, walk out my door, and say hello to all those people (and many more) as I walk down the sidewalk. and I want it to be 65 fucking degree's out, and low humidity. I don't want to own a car. I want to live walking distance to anywhere on the planet. and I mean a half hour trot too, not a three day jog. I want life to happen to me, without getting bogged down all the time. I want to not live with a TV. I want it to not be past 4am on a day when I have a massage to do at 1pm. I want to be asleep. They ask me what I want for christmas and I laugh. As if a washer and drier, a high quality water filter, a crock-pot, a new harddrive, some more RAM, a new monitor, a cd-burner that actually works, a dvd player, a membership to the ymca in olympia, a bus pass in olympia... as if all of those weren't already way to fucking expencive, those are just the things I need... so what (they ask) is something fun that I want, something a little more out there and interesting, not just all those basic necesity type things... I want a goddamn teleporter. marry freekin' christmas to me. *so I got a gift, and it inspired me to ramble, inspired me to drift...* drift through words and phrazes, tripping in the verbal mazes, sounding better to myself with mos def as a soundtrack than I'll ever sound to the rest of you, listening to something a bit less funky, with a little less rythm, like npr, or your mother... So I'm still in the middle of chistmas, which is 4 days long this year, between both sides of my family... and I'm drifting, I'm at the mental-plane equivalent of Spagetti Junction, where about three, 4-6 lane highways converge and diverge, and merge a lot while they're at it. I could be living out in the west coast longer, or I could (if I can) be going back to atlanta for 8 more months, but the possibilitishness of that is questionable, and if it doesn't happen, do I want to stay out west? or do I want to come back.... home.... to philly? there's the tai-chi class, and the potential for better wages, but no friends... not yet anyway... but then, the west coast is big, and being out there doesn't get me all that close to more than a small hand only half full of my friends... and who knows, if I asked that cute cashier at the food co-op out, who's hair is never the same twice, and clothing style changes with the weather, if I asked her out, who knows? maybe she would say yes... maybe she would know somewhere to go out to, maybe she doesn't smoke as much as I bet she might, maybe she's got good musical taste, maybe... who cares. my friend here who's a massage therapist gets $35/massage, plus tips. that's $10 more than seattle, and perhaps even more better than olympia, but then, I have no roommate here, so rent will be a bitch... but I could get a 2 bedroom back here in my old co-op appartment complex for $600 or so, and could most likely be permitted to use the extra bedroom as a massage office... but then, I'm a 19 year old guy, and that's a bit of a disadvantage to starting a private practice, especially in my home. blah, blah, blah... where to go, what to do, who to do... not as poetic as I'd like today... Maybe I need more yin influence. Maybe I need to find my own groove. *Tribute to Partner's In Crime...* This is a tribute to my man, my partner in crime, a lunatic with the gaul, to take it 'cross the line. he says he wants to get laid, ten times a day, but he's a healer to the soul, yeah, all the way, he'll never read this, cause he doesn't like rap, but my man has the rythm, to make my head snap... snap to the beat, snap to the funk, of that crazy mother fucker, he always acts drunk, we're peaceful warriors, so world be ware, I know it's a dirty job, but someone's got to care, We're out to live our lives, at a constant full boil, with passion and compassion, we've got memes to foil, so let's ride, brother man, the world needs a shock, there's shit to do, so brother let's rock. *I want a rightious cause... "I'll huff and puff and blow your head off."* I want a rightious cause, I want some pride in something, I don't need to feel like I'm absolutely right, and everyone else is wrong, I don't need gods backing on my every whim, but I want a goddamn community, I want a tribe, I want a group I belong to, I want group to defend, because they're my group, and they ain't perfect, but they're goddamn good enough, not trying to dominate the whole world, not succeding in chopping down every tree on the planet, burning all the coal and oil, and holding everyone else at bay with the threat of a man-made ice-age. I want something to fight for, cause I'm ripshit. I want an oil-man I can really sink my teeth into, literally, Fight Club style. *4:10am, Dec 30th* So the only old friend less than twice my age from philadelphia who I actually cared to call up while I'm home sounded as thrilled as ever at my existance, and gave me the same "I'll be really busy this weekend, try me next week line." My cousin chuckled and said "speeking as a girl, lemme tell you, that means don't call me." I said "no shit." She did give some semblance of explaning what she had to do "all weekend" but it amounted to friends from out of town comming. the girl lives three blocks away, it's a crock, just like it always was, when I rarely ever saw her except at youth group the 5 years I knew her. This is not to say she doesn't have some valid reason, she should have blown her top at me and told me to stuff it several years before she did... but it's too bad neither of us ever learned how to let the other not be the same person they used to be. In other news, I'm going to keep living in olympia for now. or start living there rather, and stay for a while. But I'm fundamentally restless. I want to learn a lot of things, and travel to learn them from the best teachers I can find. I want to know a lot of people, and know a lot of places, and travel to do it. I want to feel at home on the road, and be able to afford to visit that home quite a bit. My thoughts are once again back to a CobCastle, (in no small part because of all of the new years party's happening (2? 3?) I'm at none of them.) But right now I'm thinking of something a bit simpler, smaller scale, more workable. A mansion. I want to get a mansion, in a town somewhere, or outside one. not as a place where we'd all live, but a place for us all to converge at times like new years and such. We'd just have a schedule, and if someone wanted to organise a gathering, they'd just jot down the time they'd be there, and people would need to bring food and such. I don't know if someone would live there permenently, I suppose it would depend largely on weather anyone wanted to and could afford to. But we'd have a kitchen, and lots of beds, and gradually we'd accumulate other furnishings, and eventually we'd have a hell of a place. A teleporter and an unschooler village would be increadebly cool... but I've been thinking about such things, and neither of them seem very likely to happen in the next few years. And besides... I think we all have a lot of big dreams... many of which involve going places and doing things... I think as annoying as the geographical distace thing is, it also adds a lot to our little community, we all have a lot of very different experiences to share. so maybe a mansion... our own personal retreat. a meeting place. ...now that sounds like something that we could actually do. hmm... I think with that and a car that doesn't kill the planet, I could be very happy about a few things I'm a bit flustered with at the moment. yes yes yes... good shit. *"I don't got a friend in Phaliladel"* I thought I had a friend in plaliladel, yeah, I thought I had a friend in plaliladel, I thought I had a friend in plaliladel, Turns out I didn't know her that well, I thought I had a friend in plaliladel, yeah, I thought I had a friend in plaliladel, I thought I had a friend in plaliladel, Turns out I didn't know her that well, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, yeah, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, Turns out I never really knew her that well, Once I thought I made a friend in phaliladel, Once I thought I made some friends in plaliladel, But when they went away, I didn't care, sept for the girl with the dirty blonde hair. I thought I had a friend in plaliladel, I thought I knew a girl in phaliladel, I thought I had a friend in phaliladel, but it seems she doesn't like me that well, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, I don't have a friend here less than twice my age, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, I don't have a friend left in this goddamn state, I though I had a friend in phaliladel, Turns out I never knew the girl that well, I though I fell in love in phaliladel, guess I had low standards in phaliladel, I didn't know what a friend was in phaliladel, didn't know what a friend was when I fell, didn't know what a friend was when she didn't care, that apathetic girl with the dirty blonde hair, Didn't know what a friend was in phaliladel, didn't know what a friend was till later on, didn't know there could be friends who really give a damn, didn't know a friend would call you just to ramble on, I thought I had a friend in phaliladel, turns out shes still bitter and angery, I thought I had a friend in phaliladel, turns out she still doesn't want to trust me, I thought I had a friend in phaliladel, but I tried much to hard in phaliladel, I wanted to show love to a girl there, a jaded young beauty with dirty blonde hair. I made an ass of myself a couple years ago, I made an ass of myself in phaliladel, One time too many, that's the way it goes, and she finally told me I could go to hell, I made an ass of myself in phaliladel, lost the only friend good enough to keep, I made an ass of myself, one too many times, tryin' so hard that it made me weep, So I don't have a friend in phaliladel, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, yeah I don't have a friend in phaliladel, and after all, maybe that's just as well, I thought I had a friend in phaliladel, But I don't have a friend in phaliladel, Turns out I lost that friend a couple years ago, I thought I'd give it time, but now I know, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, I don't I had a friend in a girl there, I guess she never cared for me that well, the jaded little beauty with the dirty blonde hair. yeah I don't know that girl in phaliladel, I don't have a friend in phaliladel, I don't know know the girl in phaliladel, I tried to be her heaven, but I only brought her hell. I tried to love a girl in phaliladel, I tried to show her joy in phaliladel, I went about it all wrong in phaliladel, so now I've lost my friend with the dirty blonde hair. *Sun. Jan. 13, 3:20am* picture perfect, porcelin doll, I'd best not touch you, lest you might fall, from the shelf, where you put yourself, display model girl, for the viewing of the world, picture perfect you, who I partially knew, would've liked to know better, more decadent than butter, but your pristine presence, sure makes me shutter, haven't the nerve it seems, to speek to a goddess, maybe i just like, those who are modest, and have reason to be, that's plan for me to see, some bothersom habbit, or idiosincrisy. i've had before, a porcelin doll, a cute little princess, five and a third feet tall, spunky and happy, and cheerfully endowed, to the point where animocity, was barely allowed, she was all i had dreamt off, my heavenly bliss, I thought all i needed, was my princess' kiss, but it seems i'm a grumpy, cantancerous rogue, who doesn't "blend well", or like nieve-a-la-mode, call me sour, bitter or lost, but sarcasm suits me, and i don't care the cost, the world is not, all prettyness and light, and the darkness can proove, and educational sight, so for now i haven't seen, enough ugly rank stuff, to make me want to ignore it, and see only love, cause life is pain, highness, and pain teaches lessons, so if you want to learn something, here's a suggestion, open your eyes, to the bullshit around you, be aware of all sides, of the world that surrounds you, and don't push away, this dirty old man, cause midst raunchy jokes, he may lend you a hand, he may lend you a hand, or lend you his heart, open and free, right from the start, and you may never know, you may never guess, that if you asked if he loved life, he'd say passionately "Yes!", and if you asked him if he loved you, and he answered the truth, he'd say with all the heart, plus his upper front tooth, but he might not say that, cause he's learned a healthy fear, of replying with answers, people aren't prepared to hear, so he keeps his mouth shut, and his love to himself, cause sometimes the truth, doesn't improve peoples health, maybe he's seen, enough of the world, to laugh in the face, of the prettiest girl, and maybe he's seen, enough not to care, about first impressions, or the cut of your hair, maybe he's seen, enough human behaviour, to think ingoring social rules, is something to savor, maybe that grumbly, antisocial grouch, has the biggest damn heart, on the whole damn couch, and just won't take crap, from you or anyone else, and is thus kinda cynical, even about himself, perhaps he's so crude, just to deflate his rep, to stay as far from pedistals, as he can possibly get. *2:22am, Monday, January 14, 2002* i'm feeling very rythmic, tonight in my mind, but I'm not sure the questions, to the answers i want to find, I'm puzzling over people, who live many a mile, away from me today, and will for a while, what has become, of my social life, devoted to those, who i think are really nice, but this community we have, is as nothing as ever, for the nine tenths of the time, we're not together, I'm getting sick of this shit, I want people close to home, I want to have friends, without having to roam, all over the cournty, all over the continent, just to hang out with people, who understand what I meant, when i said something true, to my heart and my soul, without and hour of explaning, the way my mind rolls, but i guess the thing today, that's gettin' me down, is that we only seem to get together, to fuck around, some of us have the fire, but none of us have the means, to really get it together, to be living our dreams, I'm sick of teen life, where paper-meshe is high art, fuck video games, I want real life to start, cause life is the greatest, most complex game, but i've barely begun and i'm stagnant, and it's driving me insane, parties are wonderfull, and i wish i could have made it, but that's vacating, not living, and that's why i hesitated, cause I'm on the cusp, of starting something real, though I'm probably exagurating, how good it'll feel, but it's more what i want, to be living and doing, it feels more to the point, than talking and screwing, I want to see yall, sometimes to converce, but when i prioritize, that doesn't come first, I want to see yall, to collaborate on art, but all we do is brainstorm, and never really start, cause we go home the next day, and talk only on a screen, this perversion of tribe, is truely obseen, we work so well together, or at least it seems we could, and if we ever live together, i think that we would, but to have a tribe in true, we'll have to start from scratch, reinvent the wheel, and twine our own thatch, I really do still, burn with the passion, but sometimes I get bogged down, it's so hard to take action, i don't want to have, to build this all new, I want this part of my life, for all the collaberations we could do, but that's not in the cards, or so it would seem, so fuckit let's bend the rules, and achive our pipe dream, let's do it up right, let's do it up quick, bend the rules if you can, and abuse every trick, cause rules are for braking, or bending a bit, it was made that way i promise, the fates won't have a fit, this is how i feel, I want to start doing, sociolizing can be fun, but it's largely misconstruing, I was struck on the day, the 12th of september, I re-realized something, that I always try to remember, the people around me, weren't sure how to be, some talked about the politics, some tried to reach their family, and then there where some, to tried to carry on, the same stupid social drama, they'd been playing all along, and I remembered why, I never liked "socialization," it treats meaningless drivel, like life or death situation, context is gone, when nothing matters more, than who'd like to get who, on their bedroom floor, social dinamics make me cringe, and I remember why; other things are more important, than who's the cutest guy, so not only do i want, friends close by, I want and adult life, or at least i want to try, I want to be doing, and judging by action, not debating dick size, and vaginal contraction, maybe I'm full of shit, yeah, I probably am, but this passion keeps rising, again and a again, to quote my friend, interviewed by a reporter, who wanted a dramatic story, of a child with a disorder, a child who pulled through, and lived "normally," dispite his handycap, "horid abnormality," now this friend doesn't feel, like he's got a handycap, cause he knows it doesn't matter, like a lot of other crap, he doesn't care about britteny, or the latest pop sensation, his adolesent mind cares more, about nuclear proliferation, so this friend of mine said, to a question quite innane, "I don't do that stupid kid stuff, you know I have a brain," *jan 30* Baggy Pants... flesh slung over bones like a %100 cotton dress hung over a hanger on a padio in the brease... grin so sincere it could melt the bitterness out of a life sentanced inmate who was framed... eyes like the tao peering out from under a comically floppy hat... mind like a puddle at her feet, so clear you can see yourself in it, and so serene you look good in it... voice like fresh mango's in kenya... soul like a sunrise in hawaii... yeah. that's what I like. ...and my soul was forged there. and these days there isn't so meaningful, or not to me anyway, it's glory days have passed. but that's okay I suppose, because the then of is as important as the there of it; it was one spot in timespace, and since the when is different, it's only fitting that the there isn't as it was. and so I find new forges for my soul. but that one will stick with me, and I'll try to stick with it, cause I think there's more soul forging possibilities, if I cross paths in time and place with other ripples sent out from that perticular set of synergies. "either you're a part of the problem
or you're a part of the solution,
so what's your contribution to life?
so many people complane,
always talk about change,
but what's your contribution to life?
either you with or ain't with it,
if it ain't broke don't fix it,
what's your contribution to life?
either you give or you take,
make moves or you wait,
but what's your contribution to life?
I said what's your contribution to life?"
~Jurrasic 5~
*5:35am, feb 5* you know, it's really surprising how much people like their pain. I've spent years on end trying to "help" people who rejected nearly every bit of love I sent their way. doing people any good is a really fucking tricky business. it has a lot to do with the fact that the only real progress is internal progress... you know, the old adage about teachers opening doors and students having to walk through said doors themselves. it's true, it's fucking true. most of the time misreble people are misreble cause on some level they want to be. in our culture anyway. it put's "life is pain highness, anyone who says otherwise is selling something" into a whole new light doesn't it? I was just reading live journals... meloncholic poetic girls are so addictive (or do I mean seductive?)... but voicing depression seems to rarely be a sign of wanting help... or at least, rarely a sign of recognising/knowing how to recieve/except help if it were delivered like a gallon of honey poured over their head. or more to the point, getting anywhere. that is the point... or it's supposed to be... or I think it is anyway. meh... my thoughts are a bit rambled this eveni-morning http://www.nbtsc.org/~zakarria/ So where am I, and what am I doing with my life? I've been feeling a bit lost. but I haven't looked back in a while... 14 months ago I hadn't moved out of my mother's house yet... 16 months ago, to the day, I lost what I thought was the most important and vital thing in my life... a relationship with a girl... and now, now I've had moments when I've noticed my life having the same flavor of bliss as I had a few times with that girl... except these times it's been alone, by myself. single. so I've pulled myself up by my boot straps I have... nothing short of it. I've forged a new life, new goals, new directions to be heading, all in the last year or so. So I guess it's no wonder I still feel a bit skiddish at times... hasn't been that long since I thought the only thing keeping my brains inside my head was a girl. Other things have changed too though... and I'm not entirely sure what. I've noticed subtle changes, and there's some I'm sure I'm oblivious to... and there's a million little facets to my worldview that are so new I haven't got any barings or experience to tell me if I'm going at all in the right direction. I guess the question is, what is my passion for life right now? where am I going? so I feel a bit like a fish dumped out of a little bowl into the carabian... but I suppose some uncertanty and too many options isn't much to complain about comming from an overly limited, self-defeating, dead-end worldview. meh. perhaps I just feel like I'm not going much of anywhere... I'd rather be going somewhere that's gonna turn out to be a silly direction to go, than flounder about not going anywhere cause I want to make sure where I'm going before I really get started. hmmm... I wonder if, when I'm more coherant, any of this will make any sence, or seem to have any baring on the somewhat hard to place something that's been bugging me this last few days. somehow I don't think so. but then, sometimes I'm surprised by such things. sometimes I write at times like this, assume that I'm making no sence and just rambling, going off on tangents that haven't got a thing to do with what's really getting to me, and then I go back later and BAM!, I hit the nail right on the head without even realising it. now, if I could just not have gotten sick at the absolute worst possible time. meh. *3:47am Wed, Feb 20, 2002* and tonight my dreamlife, was just like real life, same thing came up, same shit discussed, I explaned to people that all I need is an office and a cell phone and I'll be all set to go, just need clients. I ate shitty, shitty sugar pie just like a few weeks ago. And I probably tried to make someone in my head see that I really do care, and just want the best, which is why mid febuary the year after the last time I have any excuse going to camp just cause I'm too damn old, I still can shut the fuck up about camp, I still can't cool off about shit that happened last year, and I still can't stop thinking and mulling over and debating and fomulating in my head what needs doing about what's wrong (yes WRONG, not wrong cause it's not just exactly how I want things, wrong because it's not unschooler anymore, wrong cause camp is forgetting it's principals, wrong because some people don't grok the trust and respect of youth inherant in our Way Of Life, it's wrong because it's not living up to it's own standards, not mine...) yeah... mid febuary, half a year after the last time I'll ever go as a camper, and I can't shut the fuck up about it, even in my own head. Too bad a lot of people don't think it's my business cause it's not my camp, (no it's not, but is it grace and taber's camp, or is it unschooling's camp? don't ask me, ask them, is the camp supposed to be about them, or about unschooling?) Too bad a lot of people pick apart every issue I bring up, weasle around it, and treat it like an individual instance with no connection, too bad a lot of people just start cursing at me and yelling at me for "picking on people" and won't hear me out when I voice individual beef about particular people's influence, too bad I feel this pissed at the people who've put years of their lives into the summer camp that saved my ass (litterally fucking saved my ass, the first time I went to camp almost all my friends were drug adicted, suidical, rape victoms, and that's not a fucking exajuration, now I live with a camper, I almost married a camper, 70% of my friends are campers, I spend hours a night in front of my computer talking to campers when there's two colleges in town, etc.), too bad people I need to talk to take critisism so personally, too bad I've got so much to say I don't know where to begin, too bad so much of it would just be to fucking bitch-slap taber until he really understood there was a problem he couldn't smooth talk his way out of... cause fuck, I don't want to do that, but he's done so many things that were just totally unacceptable, he's made both my best friends feel shit apon, from talking to people, he's made a good deal of camp feel shit apon, he's shown me that he doesn't just not understand a lot of fundamental things about our mindset, our community, our philosophy, us, he doesn't just not understand these things, he misses them completely, and I don't know how to even tell him, I don't know where to start, I don't know how not to either just slap him or avoid the discussion, what I do know is that if I try to talk to him or grace about it, about any of this, I'll get run over by a freight train of oozing, smothering, overbaring, lava-like emotion convayed in what I can only guess is some ill-placed use of some variety of "radical honesty", intending to promote conflict resolution, but resulting in my brain getting crushed like a rat under a steam-roller. I'm pretty sure that'll happen. Either that or I'll get together a really well worded, well done 15 page fucking report on all my ideas and concerns, and grace will pop like an overripe zit, admit she's burt out on camp, and just not do it anymore. I don't fucking want to do that either. I think camp would go on, but I don't want to do that anyway, I like grace she just drives me as nuts as I drive her. damnit, now look what I've done, I want to just go around badmouthing taber all the time, I don't want to argue with you about him, I don't want to explane every fucking detail of my beef with him, I also don't want to be ignored cause nobody knows I've got good reasons, mostly I just don't especially want it to be a public mud slinging match, but fuck you, fuck me, and fuck it all, this is my journal and I can't keep my mouth shut. now ablige me and don't post a half dosin un-erasable post on the message board at the bottom of my personal journal bitching at me and telling me how great taber is and that I'm just too old for camp and should shut up. if you must, rag me out in an e-mail, or make a "TellZackHe'sAnOldBitchyAsshole" page and do it there for all I care, but please don't ctritique my feelings, opinions, and emotions, right at the bottom of this page, cause for now, this is my freakin' journal people. *March 16* "it's just little bit's of history repeating..." So I've been worrying about shit too much lately… well… ever. Lately it's been Quo Vadis, will I get in, will everyone else who should get in get in, etc. And then there's office, job, etc, it goes slowly, as always, and it's stressful, I'm not there yet, I want to be there yet, and I'm not. "the newspapers shout, a new style is growing... but they don't know, if it's coming or going..." and I keep having to fight off the urge to call becca... once or twice a month, it just keeps grabbing me. It's tedious... not cause I'm still bitter, I'm actually rather comfortable with where I'm at with her, which is to say done. I mean, I wouldn't mind talking to her now and then... but the urges to call her are urges for something that talking to her won't really give me. I think I'm waiting till I'm all set up and going, till I could tell her I'm In Business, Have Clients, and am Being Productive... course, that pisses me off too, cause I shouldn't feel like I need to impress her or live up to her expectations. I suppose it's just that the time or two that I've talked to her on line it's done little else but make me feel like I'm about 16, in a rather unpleasant way, like I haven't gotten anywhere. "And the joke is rather sad - that it's all just a little bit of history repeating..." and should I go out tonight? Should I go up to evergreen and find a party or a concert or something? It seems that ever other time it’s great, and every other other time I loose all faith in humans to do more than get drunk and try to hump eachother. "the world is about, there's something evolving... whatever may come, the world keeps revolving..." Yearning yearning yearning... damnit, I want to be hear, now. I want smaller. I want a few things on a platter to my doorstep, and everything else to just not be. I want to be a musician. I want to play trumpet and drums and bass and to be able to sing like a god. "some people won’t dance if they don’t know who's singing... why ask your head? It’s your hips that are swinging..." I want to enjoy reading more, there's a lot of books I want to read, and I don't have the patience for any of them. I want to stop being me and just be. "life's for us, to enjoy… woman man, girl and boy… feel the pain, feel the joy... and sidestep the little bits of history repeating... And I've seen it befoooooooooore, and I'll see it agaaaaaaaaaaain, it's just little bit's of history repeating..." NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 236 times, last edited on March 16, 2002 by zakarria@nbtsc.org. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
