Tell Him

yes indeed there was a time...

i thought i was in love. my heart poured every night. at that time my beautiful outlet was the List, thank heaven for the List. there were exquisitely beautiful people i spoke to through that list who helped me more than they'll ever know. but this is what i shared with them, and this is how i made it through the storm, and this is what made me cry this very day, so far away from all the pain and yet uncomfortably close...

oh heaven oh afterlife oh love and pain and sorrow depression a hole in my abyss i am abyss i lack definition but i am so small so tiny so frail and human and i sit here and i type with the knot in my throat i could sob for days and no one would hold me. you do not know and you know all things you slap me in the face and you know me better than i know myself. that girl with rosy cheeks, and the small angel with stained feet, the glowstick, the orange shirt, the bad music, the things he touched he touched me he kissed me. i am screaming so loud it is hurting my ears. i do not know what else to do. he held me has he forgotten me? did he know me? would he really have taken me? or no? maybe not? he touched my heart and with that touch he shattered it. i feel so incomplete. i am asking you this. this is for you. nothing and everything. sorrow and joy. pain and healing. him and me. but always beauty. i've never wanted this bad. i've never cried so much. i've never hurt so deep. i've never loved so completely. hollow words so full of meaning. he turned my head around, he kissed me on the lips and said 'i think i'm falling for you' but then he let me down he dropped me low he doesn't know why i said no he doesn't know i wanted yes he could've killed me but he healed me i am so different. so indescribably different. i am so thankful to him. so helplessly confused. i think in poems. only since he held me. he isn't here! he's gone! he's left! he's out, but i'm in. i'm not done here. i am so afraid. so afraid i meant nothing to him, so terrified he's forgotten me, so scared he doesn't want me. the pits of my soul reek of lost love. love. whatever. i feel so ugly and insignificant. i had a dream where i was chasing him, chasing chasing and he was running.. running away from me, disgusted and horrified. as i was. in that dream i encompassed every aspect of me that i despise. every angle i fear. but he will always be beautiful in my eyes. it felt so good to wake up and look in the mirror, see someone understanding who knows when she's not wanted. but i don't know that anymore...and i don't see me in the mirror. here's what i dream....that instead of all the tears, all the lustful stares exchanged, all the sexual frustrations, there was laughter. un- controllable laughter, and running. i wish i ran with him, just the two of us, running in the wind. and i wish we talked more! talked and talked about him about me. but oh no. no time. for we only had a saturday. i am so blue. help.

"Nay... let him go, let him go, God bless him, wherever he may go... he may search this wide world over, he'll never find a sweet one like you." --- pure beauty on birds wings

his hands. his eyes. his hands like wood, from wood. they gave me peace but only for a time. his eyes they looked through mine they looked at me and i could be who i am who i want to be but can't his hands they felt me so so something. and when i think of him those thousands of ants tiny ants they

 crawl 
 crawl 
 crawl 

up and down. why can't i be how he sees me? why can't i love like he loved me? no not love. touchy subject. my ears perk up my heart starts to hurt and my eyes glaze and those ants damn tiny eyes they make it almost unbearable. they make it beautiful. he was so beautiful. but he is everything and nothing and it hurts my heart hurts and i want to sing. sing the blues. it's getting worse it's getting better, too bad you can't understand. and there is so much i want to know so many things about me that i wish you would learn but you walked away and you are gone

 but not quite 
 not yet 
 my friend 
 a boy who knows me loves me with all his heart 
 he called you on the phone 
 you weren't at home 
 and i knew you were with her 
 and that hurts.....damn tiny ants.. 
 i cannot help you out when she is still around 
 i hate the hate i feel for her 
 it's not her fault 
 but is it yours? 
 i looked at you a special way 

what was it? what could've triggered it in you? what triggered it in me? why you? why me? why florida? i HATE florida. but i didn't used to. thank you. thank you for the tiny ants. thank you for the difference in the mirror. thank you for my belly-button. thank you for the indescribable feeling. thank you for being the first. thank you for being a flirt. thank you for not taking me. thank you for giving me the blues...

 oh woe this loudness in my being 
 so loud i need'nt scream for you can hear me 
 this emotion is is bigger than that, he is bigger than me 
 i picture myself in his arms and 
 oh the love that made us one, it isn't here ...
 you must meet that angel
 she is something more than i am capable of understanding 
 her beauty is immeasurable 
 if you knew her you'd know what i mean 
 she said "he likes you", i grinned and denied it 
 just like a small girl i used to be
 she looked me in the eye, angelic smile, "yes he does. i can tell"
 she could tell he liked me 
 he told me he liked me
 i ache for him now 
 to look in his eyes was to see beauty big and caressing
 it was his beauty and mine combined 
 it was incredible it was...you know. sweet sweet......

tell him. let me be patient. he's all that i've got and i don't have him. tell him i need him tell him i love him. it'll be all right. no i don't want to cry but i can't help it these tears sting hold me hold me! oh but without love i have no happiness. tears are cleansing my cheeks........it'll be alright. i am so nervous, shaking shaking losing all control. strange vision in me......me with eyes filled with confusion, large blue tears roll down my cheeks....i'm looking to you. i do not know you, i know you so well. thank you. thank you more than you know... this pain is big, and it feels so good.

smile like a child for the camera. lets shock them with our nakedness and astound them with our poetry. lets hug them when no one's looking, and glance at them for meaningful seconds...

*sigh*...

your... comments. whatever you want to say, whatever you can't help but feel... you know i am curious. so post them if you like, i'd love to know if i've provoked any emotion in any way... my love to you, ~naomi

Well, actually you made me get all teary, my baby girl. So yeah, you provoked emotion. The words that you've laid out here largely embody what so many girlsor, I guess everyone feels. It's hard to post stuff on wiki sometimes, I know. I post stuff pretty often but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it. I'm SO tempted to go back and erase it all every time I post itI still am tempted even now. It's a leap of faith. But it is one that is always best to take.

~Jasmine~

Aaaaah! Well, you were so vague that I have no idea who or what exactly you were talking about, but I loved the poetry and dammit I've felt like that too... -wanderlust the urban pixie

Ohnaomiohnaomiohnaomi....i'm going to call you. ~erin

 i remember.
 i remember the boy.
 he was too easy to love, wasn't he?
 i wanted him for myself, and might have had him if he hadn't chosen you, my
angel-girl. 
 i loved you more.
 more than the boy with the laughing eyes and the smiling mouth.
 i chose my own boy.
 he was the wrong boy.
 maybe they were both the wrong boy.
 for us, anyway.
 i remember beautiful child hands on the couch.
 i remember stars in your eyes.
 i remember seeing you for the first time and being absolutely struck by
your beauty and wondering what your name was, you with the  
 dazzling smile and the glowing presence.
 you deserved better.
 so did i.
 i hated him for a while, for what he did. 
 but he was a boy.
 innocent under all those pretenses not to be.
 and if you didn't hate him how could i?
 for you, i would become a butterfly.
 and in the twilight, in the time between day and night, i would dance and
flutter with you, two beings different and yet the same,
 butterfly and moth.

 i love you. 
 ~*~

Who wrote ^ That? It's really beautiful.