Who Is Nick

I've had years to refine my role in the camp world, and I know/knew it well. Currently, it's a little fractured, but it still fits in a few simple boxes.

Robyn covered the first chunk rather well in our discussion on IRC... "Nick is a quiet, sweet, intelligent guy who only talks when it's necessary and geeks with the best of them." Affable, easy-going, unintimidating, quiet, "centered", a bit of a pushover. This is the role I know best, as I've had it the longest. Going to camp from the very first year, a lot of people have come to "know" the silent version of Nick. Sometimes it's made me feel rather like furniture... like one of the couches in the lodge, always there, and fondly remembered as part of the scenery. My closer friends know an extension of this role; Quiet, calm, always present, waiting with some insightful comment or witty remark at just the right moment.

In a lot of ways, I stick with this role because I like a lot of things about it. Being unobtrusive and quiet keep you from hurting people, and make it easy for others to talk to you. It also means I never get to say a lot of things that are on my mind. A few close friends know how to pull the truth out of me when I'm upset or depressed, and I'm getting to the point where I can even fool most of them with "I'm fine, thanks."

I do try to be polite, and I value diplomacy, but occasionally people push me too far (usually by doing something to someone I care about), and I'd like to be able to react without seeming dangerously "inconsistent". A pushover? In small matters, I actually try to be a pushover; Bending is often preferable, and I am generally easygoing. But to then assume I'll always give in is a mistake... when something really matters to me, I can be incredibly stubborn. If part of me already wants to do something, you'll have no trouble talking me into it, but if I genuinely object to something, it's not going to happen. Choosing your battles is very different from never fighting for anything.

It's hard not too laugh every time someone calls me "calm" or "centered". "Patient", perhaps... when something is bothering me, I can mull it over for weeks without giving any obvious outward sign, but it is there, and if you were looking for it, you'd probably notice.

Finally (and a lot of people aren't going to believe me here), I'm not quiet! At least, not all the time. It's not what I think of as my "natural state". I have a lot to say, and even when I don't, I'm happy to babble/rant/joke about nothing for hours. My family knows this, and perhaps a very small handful of close friends. The rest of the time, I'm quiet because I'm either busy listening, thinking, or most likely, don't think anyone wants to hear what I have to say.

This leads me to the second box I've recently acquired... the circle of people I feel comfortable being not-so-quiet with continues to grow, and at times people will see me being strangely outgoing. Much to my dismay, this has translated into my reputation as being a bit of an obnoxious asshole. In the last three months, I've been called "evil", "a bad influence", and "irresponsible" more times than I can count. Of course, this is mostly my fault (especially on the "evil" bit, as I tend to play it up), but I still resent the implications.

I'm a sarcastic and cynical person, and I've always been so, but that sarcasm has, and continues to be tempered with a lot of idealism. I think people have a lot of potential for good, but they also do some less-than-good things, and the best way I've found to deal with that is to laugh at it.

Listening to people is still one of my favorite things to do, and I don't understand why being less quiet myself should mean others have to sacrifice what they wanted to say around me. If you need/want to talk to me, just say so.

Irresponsible... well, maybe. I've certainly got a lot of strange ideas, and when I'm not being quiet, I can give the impression that I don't really know the difference between plausible and implausible. Not true, I just choose to ignore it a great deal of the time, because that's how great things get done. I choose to ignore what seems like false responsibility... things that don't really matter, but are social expectations (like going to school). That doesn't mean I'm not trustworthy. If something really matters, you can count on me. The way I see things, it's not a contradiction to say I'm lazy, but don't shy away from hard work.

As for being a general asshole... in part, I feel that's becomming true, and I'm not sure what to do about it. The more outgoing I try to be, the greater the likelihood that I'll offend or annoy someone, and then the more defensive I become. A friend told me last week, "you know Nick, when you get really happy and excited, you get annoying." It was meant lightly, but it highlighted the problem I'm having with trying to shed a shy, quiet mask. I want the right to be loud, angry, to get pissed off at people/the world, but in general, I really don't want to hurt anyone. If you don't agree with my opinions, or you can't take a joke, tough (heh). If I genuinely hurt your feelings, I'm sincerely sorry.