Describe Wind'sTravails here. The boring, earsplitting, funny things Kim does when she's not at home. address (to receive mail 'till 26 July): Your Humble and Devoted Servant (i.e. me); CCSE Group; c/o RSO; University of Bath; Bath BA2 7AY; ENGLAND. phone: 011-44-1225829006 ext. 8259 Yes, I really am crazy to have time enough for the computer when I have the whole glorious city of bath to explore. Yes, this is a rant. I just bookeda plane ticket to venice for this thursday, it cost a hundred punds, which is like 150 dollars, and what if something suddenly goes wrong? I have no clue what to do, I'm just a kid with a credit card. Actually a debit card, but it works as credit. I'm scared, cold, and nervous as hell, and I look in the mirror and grin and belie it all. I don't need anyone or anything. I can take care of myself. I don't speak a word of italian, and the guy at the convent was less than reassuring to book three nights with. What if it's not a hostel at all? What if it's some freak's house? And that would make me...toast! How much is 95,000 lira a night, and just where is the Domus Cavanis anyway? I just really need...something...a good hug...and I haven't had a hug in two days. And you don't know who to trust at all. I took the bus to bristol two days ago, and got six guys phone numbers. Funny how one never meets any girls. Actually I have met...one. So far. So. Do I trust people? I'm used to having people like this around, but I usually have some sort of kindred spirit behind me. Here I have *nothing*. The girls I'm with are here to drink and pick up guys and diss each other behind their backs. I really am having a great time. Hordes of freedom. Until you get caught. this has been Wind: at eight in the morning on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Tune in tomorrow for Wind: on a peanut butter and *mustard* sandwich. Thank you.
Wheee, I have so incredibly many stories. Tonight i was hopelessly desperately tres bles, so I went out into the cold cold and sat on the steps and tried to cry. It's so hard to cry. I was just suceeding in freezing my posteriore' off when I heard drums. Really really loud ones. So I went, and they were having a whole drum fest and it was beautiful and I walked in and she gave me a bell thingy and I played it and about an hour later I couldn't keep up and they turned off the lights and I danced, I really danced, in the dark, and it was gorgeous. Tomorrow we go on an all day tour thingy and then I leaf the next day for venice. There are still some gaps in my itenerary, but I have lotsa phone numbers from people, so maybe it'll all work. If it doesn't it wasn't meant to. I'd really really love to hear from y'all, but I may not respond right avay. You guys encourage me so much! I couldn't do it without you. So much love. ~Me~
Oh my. I just realised I am all alone. I'm crying it took me two weeks to get here. I am with a gruoup of people who don't care about me. Oh dear. I keep making jokes, hoping to fight it all away, but it doesn't work. I miss irc, and realise how incredibly foolish it was to place anything of import on there. I want to distance myself from camp, from friends, from everything so incredibly unstable. I want you to leave me out in the cold to die. I want a friend here. I want to wake up and find myself at home, except home isn't where I want to be either because it's lonely too. I want to remove all memory of the last halfdozen phone calls home, the sound of my mother's voice, which always brings out the worst in me. I want to not be catching a taxi at five tomorrow, to get on a bus to get on a plane to go to a city about which I've attached some childish fantasy. I want to never dream again. I want to dream forever. I want somebody real to listen to all this, and see my eyes, instead of staring through them. I didn't believe a word of the real world is dangerous and scary talk. I still don't. I never will. I am careful. I am safe. But I hate the thought that here is a city virgin, untouched by me, and I still haven't made a dent in it. I want to be able to convert people into People, people to live with, and blow bubbles with, and do eye contact with. Fuck. This is the definition of the whole world today. I liked life better before I knew that word. My eyes hurt, and hurt, the rain rains and rains. I never thought I'd ever hate rain. But before I always had someplace warm to go. I want to erase all of this, now, before my darling Kathleen has a chance to read it and worry. The library is closing in twenty five minutes and I have no where to go but bed. I am loving every damned minute of this. No, I'm not, but I don't want anything different. Except someone to talk to. I am so spoiled by you guys. I want to curl up in bed with someone and finally be warm. At Marina's party it was so so cold outside, but Becky shared her sleeping bag and we were warm. It's cold here, and I feel cold. I haven't talked to my sister in two days. Ali saves my life, she really does. Mum's too worried to be much help, and Dad's too busy. Alissa, I miss her. It took six thousand miles for me to appriciate my sister. And all I can think to say is fuck. I was supposed to make friends. British friends. With nice accents. And nice places to come back and visit. I want to sigh. I saw stonehenge today. It was disgusting. So many people, smooshed together to see some rocks. Yeah. Amazing how you can manipulate people into thinking what's important isn't and...yeah. The library is slowly emptying. I want to leave before the guy says it's closed. Closing time scares me. I shall...return. Monday. Alive. Unraped, as my roomate begs. Mmmm *hugs* We camper people seem transient and unstable. Who knows, maybe we are. Sometimes I think everyone is and that they're just a dream, but then I hear their voices and feel their love, and campers are for REAL! Wow, major breakthrough there. Kim, I wish you love luck mayhem and mischeif. Remember you've got a place for you in the world if you want it, and people to hug you if you want hugs, and people to share their sleeping bags with you when you're cold, and people to kiss you and bitch with you and to lean on and say dumb things to who won't mind. I love you! ~Your sleeping bag comrade Becky~
I'm back! Safe, unraped, and with orange toenails and new shoes. Surfing emotions, or is it wading? It's plowing. I love you. If you're reading this I love you. Off now to sleep off venice (if 'tis possible). Today I went to class and didn't fall asleep and talked to my professors and cleared everything with them and went downtown and bought nail clippers and groceries. I feel very adult and don't like it at all. It's raining outside and it's raining inside too.I pick flowers and put them in glasses in the kitchen we share. Two of the girls are like little mothers, asking me if this is my pan and if I am going to leave that water running. I laugh. I have a sweatshirt that says university of bath on it and it is warm. Everything else is cold. I'm pretty. I write good papers. And I'm doing a helluva lot of living. Probably too much. Probably I'll die from an overdose of frequent life. Such things have happened. I discovered I don't like clubbing. It's really pointless. I prefer getting tipsy under the stars, and dancing to drumbeats, and falling asleep in people's arms. I want to go volunteer in india for a year and hold sick babies and learn to cook indian and speak it. I don't want to stop living. I can't wait for camp. I want to pretend camp never existed, that it's someplace you go when you die, and you never have to leave. I miss tin foil and stars. And baths. And not being an adult. Hey, I don't know. You seem totally ageless to me. Love
Whee. I feel fine. Not really. I got a package from Kathleen and a letter from Jasmine and sat in the kitchen and felt homey for just an instant. I haven't had time to email people because I've been working on these four papers. I am overwhelmed, for the first time in weeks, and feel splendid. People are hurting and I don't know what to do. I read your stuff, and feel like I can never help as much as you need. So I sit. But I'm still here. Listening... I'm staying an extra week so I can go on a tour around the UK. It's like a backpacker tour thing and should be good. I met a kindred spirit. I want to gather with the hurting souls I can hear them I want to be in your presence and just hold you. There's hurting souls here too but they won't admit it and they won't ever ever hold you. Or if they do it's only because it's a step towards sex. I miss alive people. Gee, this is depressing. Sorry. Ahem. It's raining a lot here, which I love. People smile at me and I have friends at the grocery store, box office, three bookstores, and the library. I can survive on my own in a country where I don't know a soul. I can *thrive*. I can live on twenty-three pounds for six days. I, I, I. How egocentric we are. If I were here longer I'd volunteer somewhere and *help*. I should've done that already, but three weeks fly by like there's no yesterday and you lose track. It's almost over. I can type faster now. And have gotten really sick of hearing solicitous guys in foreign accents. English guys don't use pickup lines. They don't need to. Crumpets are *not* those fluffy sugary iced cakes. I wish I had some creamy soup. Love Kim. love, hugs, light, peace & happiness to darling Kim I miss you! The backpacking type trip sounds cool:-) Have fun!~! ~your Jasmine in alaska~ Kim! You're staying an extra week! Then I have some hope of getting a package in the mail to you right? wheee!!! I miss you deary. I miss you like being little and eating pink frosting with my fingers. I love you forever and always. Mwah! ~~Your Franny with Freckles~~ Tomorrow I'll be home. I gave lilies to a guy in the street today. He was selling papers for the homeless and he had a dog and one of those lace up shirts and reminded me of Aladdin, or a farm boy. I'm going to paint a castle by moonlight. I went to evening prayer in a perfectly gorgeous stained glass church with huge pillars and disgustingly ornate engraving. I've been doing things I am scared to do, and haven't unsurvived yet. My toenails are orange. Last night I stayed up 'till 2 talking to an unhappy person and made it feel better. I went wading in a creek and was a watergoddess and met a watergod. I'll never see him again. Dammit. My feet hurt. It's time to go home...can you taste the smile? --- Also, I think I'm using wiki too much. And peanut butter. And I have os much to say, and no way to expess it. Stifled expression sucks. I like what Ryland said about wanting to fly. That's the nearest I can get to the way I feel. I've been in europe, where anything's possible, and now I'm going home, where no one flies. I know I won't die now, because I met this lady outside the bath abbey, and she told me the most wonderful thing. She said, I imagined myself on the boat, right before He stilled the waters, and I was afraid. And I ran to Him. and He said, anytime you need, you run to me. And I will be there. God is the only constant. But I still don't feel safe. Now I go to meet someone I don't really want to meet. Because...I don't want to be alone. I've been alone. Insane runs over and hugs the Other One and just says Wowness! NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 24 times, last edited on July 25, 2001 by ::ffff:12.77.151.156. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
kim darling, all i can say is trust yourself. i trust you. and i love you too,
