Number OneFiftyOne I could wax eloquent for a long time about the collected existance I've protected. I could sound wise, I suppose (I'm good at that) Make it sound as though I had control of who I was and am while life happened. But the truth is, life hits you hard, demands your answer to it back, and allows you to ask questions later. Sometimes there really is no time to stop, to ponder the 'best course of action' and sometimes trying to ponder is exactly wrong. Sometimes fire is more powerful than water. Sometimes gut feelings are as important as thought.
152
life hits you hard,
wack!
but the real job is getting up.
life hits you harder
over
and
over
now you -hafto- get up
(thats the hard part)
getting up?
cant i just sit here
forever
and never get up?
just never deal with anything?
ever?
no?
damn...
ok
up
up
up
i get
only to fall again
(some days are just like that)
Poem OneFiftyTwoBut the real job is getting up. Each day, when I could Stay an hour or minute more In my bed, where it's warm And I can still imagine What your hair smells like And how you used to smile And how you used to laugh with me And . . . And . . . And I'm up now, and wondering Why I don't go back to bed Since I'm tired Even though I slept nine hours The food doesn't taste as good As when I imagine sharing it The sofa's not so comfy And the music I put on Is lonely.  
one-fifty-three Stay an hour or minute more just a little more i want you... i need you stay oh deary me stay our time is so short and our life is so long the little time we see each other seems all to short... it hurts so bad so so bad but yet so so good it hurts so much i cant seem to get it out every tear i felt off your cheek i remember every hug is trapped in my heart every kiss is crammed in my memory i cant seem to scream you out... just pleas Stay an hour or minute more
OneFiftyFour We've got an entire lifetime to see each other I've got sixty more years to kiss you and our life is so long I should be able to live for a month, without you but that doesn't seem to be true at least not today
OneFiftyFive today i read stories of teenage girls in pain. stories that made my chest ache, and my eyes swim. stories that made me remember. but more than remember, they took me back. they grabbed my wrists and i didn't struggle. i kept reading stories about scars and stinging and i felt that old familiar urge to focus my pain into one thin line. i read stories about girls who take hot showers their sole purpose to fog up the bathroom mirrors so they didn't have to look at their (ohsohideous, yeah i'm sure) bodies, stepping out of the shower. (when nobody looks good) and suddenly i was averting my eyes, wrapping my towel around me, tight sucking in and hoping no one else could see what i saw as so disgusting. and here i thought i'd gotten past that. i think it will always be imbedded in my skin waiting for somebody else trying to cut it out. NumberOneFiftySix And here I thought I'd gotten past that.... Your frosty eyes looking as though I were a roadblock in your already crumbling path. Am I so hideous to merit these words? These screams? Your voice growing so high and then so low? So low that you are gone. Lost into yourself where screams go mute and dim and light will not enter. Come and bring me the mirror to my bedside. Let me look at myself and then say.... No, you are too small to leave this place. Look how you cry and think that curses screamed at you are because of you. Let me curl up into this bed and tangle myself in the sheets. Because you are not fit to see me if you think me so hideous. -Mel OneFiftySeven a roadblock in your already crumbling path. i knew this, and so i shrunk to the size of a mere speedbump. surprising how much that could hurt; lying splayed in the center of your path and your eyes trained somewhere else not even apologizing when you rolled right over me. because who apologizes to a speedbump? we just curse when we bounce and grab the wheel wishing they weren't there so we could get away a little faster. OneFiftyEight Lots of people look at me funny - today it's because I asked a dog what he wanted for his breakfast. Last week I got angry at a weed (and told it so, loudly) for refusing to uproot. I apologise to things, too I do not think much of this, when I do it the action seems warrented - a cup I nearly broke, a table I kicked. (I usually feel remorseful for being angry at weeds, and apologise to them, too) While I do not think much of this, I can see why people think me odd. because who apologises to a speedbump?
1{one}5{five}9{nine}
I can see why people think me odd.
How wouldn't?
I laugh at rage
and cry at the funny parts.
My smile is gimpy
and my nails are dirty...
....I walk funny too.
But as soon as you see past that all
I'm a beautiful person....
really
truely.
But sadly
I'm still waiting for you to come
and pick the real me up and
spin me around like your favort dall at the fair.
my time will come...
i know it shall.
(no matter how loud you scream)
(my faith will be there)
(no matter how maney put downs you put on me)
(my faith remains)
(too bad! get another girl to bug)
(im soon to be free)
OneSixty I want to pick you up and spin your around. Really not just words. I want to turn and reach for you and give, and take direct no wires or cables or bills. I want to look at where you are (where I /know/ you really are) and see more than a phantom made of need and wishing. My time will come with you, I know that. But shouldn't two people wishing a hard, simple wish be enough to twist reality their way? -Tessa OneSixtyOne All you're writing about is what you need. Telling the world (wishing a hard, simple wish) But your words make me
stop
and though I came here
to write a poem
the words aren't coming to me
Because I'm busy,
busy reveling in your wish,
and your words.
NumberOneSixtyTwo the words aren't coming to me because i left my brain on the roof of the world it's up there baking in the sun in the smog and listening to grateful dead while trees whisper listlessly. up here it can ignore the heat waves above the pavement and just watches as things get very pink. and bright, and somehow it's easier to forgive when you aren't down there in the midst of things. (besides. i like the view.) OneSixtyThree it's easier to forgive when you aren't hearing in more than one dimention and easier to nod and smile and hug when all you feel is sympathy it's easier all around when other people feel rage and jealousy and other people are the entangled ones and believe me, it would be easier to turn away all i know is that when i try to see through your eyes, i only see confusion which only makes my own world all the more attractive it would be easier to do a cartwheel if i could see out of both eyes
OneSixtyFour
Out of both eyes
I see you peering down
your nose
at me.
I bet that if I was plastic
I wouldnt get that look.
But hell
I would rather be /real/
then one of -you-.
I'm free
I have my own life
and you have yours.
But still
you look down your nose at me
cuz im a little different.
If i let that get to me
it can hurt like fuck.
OneSixtyFive It starts out well enough - you and I are out on the trail, you grabbing the odd mouth of grass, me daydreaming about nothing. Suddenly to us both, there's a rabbit on our path, and you take off for the hills as though you've never seen a rabbit in your life. Then, (somehow!), a tree appears in your way (in a forest! How dare it?!) and you, rather than go around it, choose to stop (spin and sputter to a halt) I, not quite expecting to cease motion so quickly find myself inexiplicably in the grass. I see you peering down your nose at me, your reins over your ears, as if to say 'How the hell did you get down there?'
OneSixtySix Where did this come from? One minute, we had normal Dull, even sedate lives Far from the normal pressures Of life in and of itself It was almost too peaceful I should have guessed that It wouldn't last long There's always a cloud behind Every silver lining Suddenly to us both Our perfect little worlds Came crashing down Quite violently around our heads While we sat there wondering Just what had hit us
one sixty seven
Just what had hit us
made us go flying.
In and out
and upside down too.
Supose its our failt...
but who knows.
We when flying
(but thats ok right?)
We all fly at one point after all.
After the fact we have a choice:
to grow from it
or fall over
and never
get up.
OneSixtyEight I feel like I'm a stone
in someone's slingshot,
right before the missle is launched.
Does the rock, too, sense the tention
in the rubberbands that hold it back?
Can it sense
the impending arrival
of the whistling wind about its ears?
My turn to snap from my bindings has come. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - We all fly at one point, after all. But I never expected the flight to feel so grand.
OneSixtyNine Damn. You won't get out of my dreams. Almost seven months of your absence Another four to go And still your face, Eyes Hands Body Are tattooed on my subconscious mind. In fact my dreaming self remembers you Much better than I can In my conscious thoughts. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised Considering the impact you've made on me On every level. If I remember my dreams I remember you in them. Do I ever wish it were otherwise? Of course I do. I have to admit it's not exactly rewarding To wake up two or three mornings a week With a feeling of disappointment. That's /not/ the first sensation I want to have When I climb out of bed. But even on those mornings When I wake up groaning and grumbling and counting the remaining months I'm honest enough to realize I wouldn't really want it any other way.
OneSeventy Though it's all past-tense now Or it almost is, anyway You won't get out of my dreams. I remember you haunting them years ago You with your laugh and your smile But even then, the dreams I remembered were never ther kind you'd think one should have about a sweetheart. My mother has always said to take my dreams seriously But I never did, because How could you do any of those hideous things? Not that I'm saying you did, you understand, I just think she might have been right. I've had dreams of prophecy before your coming And I doubt they'll stop now I suppose they're still trying to help But I can't help think they're mocking me Reminding me of my heedlessness Since after all, you and I Are past-tense And yet you still inhabit my dreams.
171
I wouldn't really want it any other way
(i love my learning style and you cant take that away)
(and yet)
(you think you can)
but what the hell do i know?
nouthing you say
you know nouthing
your just a drop out
a nouthinger
a highschool scum
no wait 'ittle miss drop out doesnt /nead/ school
damn straight i dont i say
no one does
shows you what you know
nouthinger i would rather take the bule pill then the red thanks
the blue is real
the red is fake
Sooo!
beleve it or not
your the nouthinger red pill
but your call to take the red and live in a fake
plastic world
or the blue pill and be free of everything
OneSeventyTwo live in a fake plastic world and talk to no one but all the fake plastic people walking around but plastic breaks break away the outer coating and expose what's underneath to the wind it will sooth you and dry your conciousness out a little so you can smile now without being afraid the plastic people will laugh at you but who cares let them laugh they know nothing you own the world One Sevety Three You own the world Or at least thats what you think Your ego is soo big it smothers me Like that big sweeter grandma gave me at christmas No matter how hard you or her try Its always too big for the world
OneSeventyFour It's always too big for the world my imagination that is because i imagine everything is perfect because i want it to be so i imagine away the hurt the tears the hate and the kisses from last summer but the world doesn't understand OneSeventyFive And the kisses from last summer Fell on my lips like doves Like the petals from the glowing daisy that I picked, And plucked off, one by one, in the hot waxy night My lips forming the solomn prayer "He loves me, he loves me not" into the mosquito writhing dark. So I wait beneath the stars, when the prophetic petals Had lost their life, and lay on the ground like luminious teeth Beneath the dew stained blades of grass. My prayer unanswered, my heart beats slower, And I turn within myself, For even then, in the heat, the bugs biting into my blood, I knew it was true, Because I knew you. ~Becky~ OneSeventySix Fell on my lips like doves messanger doves with love poems tucked beneath their wings The whole world was soft like eating marshmellows in May With violets tucked behind your ears sitting in the ditch by the road waiting for the mail to be delivered opening the envelope with glitter flying out and bringing back the smiles. I'm pretending to everyone (myself included) that I'm not sitting here by the door waiting for the mail to be delivered No sirree, I'm not hoping, with every bit of me that the magical person known as the postman will hand me something written by your hand addressed to your ladybug with pictures of violets on the envelope and the insides filled with your words. Definatly not. Nope, not me. I'm just eating my lunch extra-slow and wondering if it will rain.
OneSeventyEight I'm just eating my lunch extra-slow. Never mind the slight hyper quiver of my hands as Mom comes in with the mail. I don't even look up and when a letter lands in front of me on the table I don't scream or laugh, I just eat. Extra slow.
179
Oh god
go away food
back away
i dont want you anymore
who me?
no!
i -eat-
today
I'm just eating my lunch extra-slow.
yea..
i always eat food
i would never skip a meal
or barf it up..
oh no...
im......justtt....eating...slowly..today
yea...
it will be ok...
it /always/ is
its normal to be always hungry
its normal to barf after every meal
its normal
its a fact of life
we all know that
im fine!
im not sick.
normal to be always and insanely jealous you could walk on water and it only filled my sandy steps as i sank deeper i thought that if you were standing there, on the shore no one would notice if i started to drown. i never thought that you felt buried smaller than grains of sand when people watched me splash out in the waves. i would have given anything to be you when you wrote words in the wet sand people read it. i cried for attention like a seagull and was ignored. but i could fly and you were walking ankle deep in water. i still haven't come to any conclusion and you seem as untouchable as always. your colors are still as blinding as the sun on water and i am wishing that i didn't feel i have to turn away. --RoyaBoya NumberOneEightyOne I sank deeper again this morning. Pulling South (towards you) and inword and towards losing track of where you end and I begin I (we) love losing that. ~Tessa 182 Your innocence has made me innocent You were meant to be an angel -- yet -- Yet you lit the fire of purgatory More pain that you wash yourself in Sin that was not yours, but you accept it You think that pain will bring you love Enough, you'll have one day and Then you can say that you are innocent again That you are pure again That you are not burnt and shattered That you have not burnt and shattered me as well Well, my angel, that day will never come I've been there, I understand But now I pray, hope, beg and demand That you stop this fire, this agony You can go back to what you've been missing And maybe there will still be someone around Maybe someone with their feet still on the ground And when you're covered in earth instead of fire They'll be around to listen.
OneEightyThree You think that pain will bring you love - and it well might, someday It's true enough that without pain, there is no gain - but that doesn't mean you must hurt to love. I feel that in your heart, and mine - that anguish that seemed to come with us. What I can't understand is why you want that pain back. My hope for you is that someday, you'll find someone you can love without bringing them to their knees.
184 You think that pain will bring you love -
(but you are so wrong)
Your think my Tears will bring you light joy or faith?
(wrong again)
You think that my hugs will lighten up your heart and make it less tinny?
(nope guess again)
(how wrong can you get i wounder)
little do you know it wont bring you anything
it will just sit there and rot you out
it will bring you pain
(but thats nouthing new)
it will bring you hate
(but you know that)
it will bring you nouthing
(but you know the feeling)
but thats what you want...
......if not just deal with it
OneEightyFive How dare you? It's the only thing I can think - the question careens through my brain bouncing off everything with an echo, that shouts again 'How dare you?' Yes, you can hurt her - but you knew that. What possible good does it to to remind her, and me of that over and over? what will your spiteful words your barbed comments your twisted words ever accomplish? It will bring you nothing. I will not be treated this way and she won't, either. We all have our breaking points and I may be made of steel, but even that will snap if you work on it hard enough. I doubt you can hear me, but I am serious. I will not let you do this. I am not going to become a pile of scrap metal and as long as I am here, she won't either.
OneEightySix I am patient I am giving (thought you aren't seeing it) I am stretching my strength near its limit to be what I am for you right now. Well, even that has a crumbling point. Even that will snap . . I assure you. It makes sence we're at such odds (well, twisted sence) because I cannot fathem your point You push - to prove I love you But what good will that comfort you extricaated from me be when I finally go over the edge. I think I see the edge now. Thank god It well be a relief to have the justification to not do this any more. -Tessa -------------------------------NumberOneEightySeven i think i see the edge now. it's glowing, on the tv screen numbing the hand that holds the remote. the edge is there, i'm balanced on the sharp side of a blade my ears are ringing and i think maybe i should cut them off. maybe it will help me make good art. One Eighty Eight Let me tell you a story About a lily white innocent Devilish smile But only because you know she's so damn good. This girl You knew her And you were her lover And the story's not over, but how will it end? I think She'll die. Maybe it will help me make Up my mind. ~Wind NumberOneEightyNine the story's not over, i haven't hit the small x in the corner that will terminate you and your words. i don't want to erase the few sentences of understanding that you've doled out today. in a world of frames and maximum characters - i take what i can get. --RoyaBoya NumberOneNinety Erase the few sentences of understanding and you will find that the words seem to blend together just a jumble of sentences but dig a little deeper look a little farther and you will find a kindred spirit, a friend someone who knows how to write someone who understands what it means to -be- ~Jasmine S.~ NumberOneNinetyOne how to write when your wrists ache when you've been bound for so long; take frequent rests learn to ignore the spasms of pain shooting through your arms up to your heart. learn to block out distractions focus to get the job done. maybe one day you will finish and you can be released. --RoyaBoya OneNintyTwo My life spirals. As always. Coming back to just a little farther ahead. But somehow you've put a gather thread down through all my loops and tried and pull (back to your safe spot) and we catch and tangle. Badly. How to be giving when all I really want is sleep how to write when your wrists ache how to Feel on command how to fix you, as you request These things, I don't know (don't really want to). -Tessa Why am I hear? Look at me, look at my past, look at what I do time and time again. I shouldnt be -here- I shouldnt be alive I shouldnt be happy, but yet i am. That as is is a God sent. I am greatful for this, but it makes me wounder time and time again why im not somewhere else how I would be different if I stoped the things Ido. These things, I don't know (that as is is probably another god sent).
OneNinetyFour Look at my past it's a road complete with stones that trip me and scrape my heart look at my heart it has peices missing here and there but still it's capable of love, isn't it it is because I love the ones who shine the real stars with the messy hair at seven in the morning sitting in bed with cocoa and a book not the florescent stars with plastic coating and lights that fade so quickly I love the real ones with this heart I am a star Franny One Ninety Five It is because I love the ones who shine that I am what I am today They give me strength and love and never let me fail they are the ones who care for me whenever I need a friend, a hug, or just someone to hold They are the stars in my life, the heavens in my dreams they are the fire in my soul the burning desire in my heart they are my legs when I cannot walk my voice when I cannot speak they are my eyes when I cannot see and my heart when I cannot love They are my angels when I am in need and my inner voice when I cannot hear They are my family ~Snow~ NumberOneNinetySix love is too old to be written about anymore. he'd just glare, over the top of the newspaper (full of hunger and violence and dying) tell you to "schpeak up shonny" then growl, and grumble, shuffle off to bed, his feet cold, and his back hurting him again. but i'm remembering the days when he was dashing, like those black and white photos on his dresser the days when he was strong and would run a million miles just to see that special one. he was busy making headlines. he was a bold one, then. if you tried to interview love now, he would ignore you, turn his eyes from the front page and read the obituaries. NumberOneNinetySeven he would ignore you and yet you can't stop dreaming, thinking, wishing he would ignore you and yet you look at him, and melt he would say 'hell with you girl' and yet some force pulls you back, to him he wouldn't return your calls, letters, e-mails and yet you can't stop thinking about him he would treat you like shit and yet for some wierd reason you can't let go you wonder, 'why'? ~Jasmine S. NumberOneNinetyEight She can't stop dreaming, thinking, wishing the thoughts just won't go away, Why won't they let her live in peace? The angry voices behind closed doors, the yelling and shouting, just won't stop whenever she tries to run, hide or just get away they stop her, push her, ram her the thoughts just won't leave her, could you have stopped it? Did she create it? What should you have done? Nothing, that is the answer she couldn't have stopped it you didn't create it, she did what she did, and that was enough you can't change the past, even though she always wants to you CAN make your future the actions that you do the places you go the things you learn they are part of your future, her future, THE future, we are all part of it. ~Snow~ (oh by the way i am Jasmine Sheldons sister Heather, i am going by Snow 'cause i know it would be alittle confusing with 2 jasmines and 2 heathers!!) The Number 199 She can't stop dreaming, thinking, wishing she can't get her head out of the clouds, she can't come down off her high. Silly girl she is for if she falls (but we all know that the Lord shant let her fall) she will shatter into a thousand parts. Her life rests apon few things, but it makes her keep going therefor i dont care. My girl is still smiling therefor all is well.
Number TwoHundred all is well, my girl's smiling and I can see her hair out of the corner of my eye when I look up from the dishes to where she's making dinner Silly, I guess that something so little makes me so happy but I doubt being easily pleased is a curse.
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