FiveFiveOne I can sing for rain I can sing for love I can dance under the starry night sky. I can skip along the beach and splash in the waves not caring if I get my clothes soaked. I can let my hair down and wear my long skirt and swirl and dance 'til I drop. I can stand tall feeling graceful and beautiful and delightfully dancing and flowing. But what I can't do, is do any of that without a little tinge of sadness. For what fun is being beautiful, if there is no one else here to be beautiful with.
delightfully, i am not expecting a phone call wonderfully, i have come to terms with your silence beautifully, i do not anticipate an email oh look how my mind-heart-soul has changed since i pictured you lying drunk and snoring since i realized that you'd rather dream than talk to me. this rage is as captivating as infatuation but how glad i am that i do not waste time waiting for you anymore. incredibally, i can't remember your voice. (sadly, i think that i used to love it.) 553 pens move quickly like swing dancing along to the music I write of grand adventures, love and lust, as if I truly knew about them. maybe I could write a love story for myself. it would star me and you, star crossed... lovers? that's been used. friends? friends in love? and it wouldn't end happily ever after, as nothing does... it would not be tragedy either, I can't stand tragedy. it's a start, right? perhaps if I wrote it, dreamt it, ate it, thought about it, sang it, it could be true. and then I would write about great adventures, love and lust, and I would actually know what I was talking about.
NumberFiveFiveFour nothing does me in, this morning. nothing has enough oomph to really give me a good kick in the gut. stayed up till 3am again last night woke up at 10. went back to bed. the meterman looked into my window if i had been thinking i might have flipped him off this headache that fades my vision would probably go away if i went back to bed. i had a sappy dream one of those happily-together dreams maybe that's why my head still hurts i still have a love story pounding behind my eyes. later on today things look exciting fullfilling, productive but until then i think i'll just write poetry till i wake up. --RoyaBoya 555 i think i'll write a love poem i'll write here till' my prince comes.. what bullshit! yet what cynicism i've lost a talent for mysticism ever since i started thinking.. yet even i could not stop dreaming the secret is that, cold as i've been despite the thought that i'm unworthy maybe you'll would take me under your wing?
NumberFiveFiveSix maybe you'll take me downtown, and we'll sit on the tiled bench eating peppermint icecream and swinging our feet watching the beautiful people walk by. they don't know they're on parade. maybe we'll go to the thrift store and stories will buzz inside my head all the characters that used to wear these clothes (I can't believe someone actually bought red see through boxers) maybe we'll see a cute girl with pink hair and lots of safety pins looking over the racks at us and when she talks she'll sound much younger than she actually is. another beautiful people i think your city collects them. hordes them in vintage stores and movie theaters on the wharf burying them in sand. your city, your world grows more flowers than mine for all the beautiful people to wear behind their ears. i want to soak in the purples and the pinks, the blues, the flowers, the salt water i want to watch the beautiful people ride by until my hair gets tangled and i am a beautiful people too. 557 i want to watch the beautiful people ride by and see them on there perfect life bikes. Wooooooooosh! there one goes! all perfect and pritty. but then one jumps off and asks me to take a spin so i do i get on the bike i wobble and tip and almost fall off but i dont i see through the eyes of a free person and i don't want back i see for the first time what sunflowers really look like how new cars really smell how old people really look i dont want back! i want on a life bike forever but all too soon my turn is up and i give it back i walk away shocked i want back to a life bike i just want back i liked the tast of freedom i want more!! but i know the day will come when i get my own life bike
558 I asked for a turn with you, could you spare some love? take me under your wing, and care about me. Look out for me, share your experiences with me. I want to learn. you aren't much older than I, or wiser I suppose. Perhaps wiser. but you can take care of me, right? who am I kidding. you can't even take care of yourself. maybe we can take eachother under our wings, tell eachother stories and experiences, and learn. we can look out for eachother.
NumberFiveFiveNine we can look out for each other make sure that there's always someone there willing to hold together the wound with one hand and dial 911 with the other. you used to turn my stomach and i couldn't even think about the possibility of cleaning up your blood i couldn't handle seeing your scars or the casual way you lied the casual way your lies transfered to the tip of my tongue. my sickness mutated and crawled into you your virus changed and i couldn't look at you without feeling sick part of it was guilt, i know cutting off contact suddenly, no word of explanation no justification or the guilt of feeling like it was my fault you resorted to the knife that i had showed you that way out and that i couldn't be a good enough friend for you to talk to instead of showing me scars a day later. you're gliding back with your feline walk, into my life again into my present and i'm glad i want to hug you and squeeze your arm make sure you're real. i want to look at you and not see bloodstains i want to coddle you feed you chicken soup and tea i want to keep you away from the ones who don't help. i want in turn you to hold my hand and count the knives to make sure i haven't absentmindedly stuck one in my pocket. we've been sliced open we've bled on the floor we've gone to the bottom, but we're coming back it's nice to talk to someone who speaks your language. five sixty hello there. did you know that i want to look at you and not see bloodstains i want to see your eyes full of freedom and life i want your lips to breath out "im sorry" not "i hate you" are you sorry yet? i want ... no i nead to talk to someone who has see your killing eyes i want to know they know too who have you told? do i know them? are you trying to kill them too? are you sorry yet? are you sorry that you tryed to kill me and my friends? i know you tryed with your own two eyes full of hate you tryed with your own mouth full of rotting words you tryed with everything you had im sorry im sorry it made me stronger not weeker im sorry it didnt work out for you im sorry YESim sorry maybe next time it will hurt
NumberFiveSixOne you tried with everything you had to rise above the flooding waters in your house you clung to the banister and tried to breathe above the bickering, the chaos the world turning upside down. and then the sun peered through the clouds, the waters calmed just a little bit. giving you a chance to breathe, to smile, to relax i wish you would. to be happy you must intend to be so. i know that the floods haven't cleared out of your house but just think the carpets are getting clean. and you found out how well you can swim. NumberFiveSixtyTwo you clung to the banister and shrieked with delight. Four years old. I remember. I wish that I were still so much larger than you - I could spin with you the way we used to. It'll take time for me to get used to you being tall - almost as tall as me, now. But your grin hasn't changed, And neither has mine. You can still make me smile, kid. For Keith
563 You can still make me smile, kid. I know you can You may be gone From this world forever But you will always make me smile Even now your dead The car crash may of killed you But your heart and soul will live on forever I can't help but Think of how you would of growen up I miss you so much I always thought that 5 years old was to little to die (I guess not) I thought god loved you (I guess not) I thought god cared (i guess not) If he did then why WhyWhere you hit by a drunk teenager? If god really loved you You'd still be alive I know one things for sure kid I'll always love you Even up in heaven
564 i would go any distance for you, through rain or snow. i wished the sun would come out, for so long, wished the hail would stop pounding, so long it has. it's not a game anymore, it's my life. I'll always love you. I will try to come through for you, (sorry I haven't before) try to go the distance, (will you come with me?) try to make it up to you. try to change things, (I have now) try to say I'm sorry... (I have so many times) I can see now, the sun, little rays peeking through the cloudy sky. things will get better, now. I pushed it far, didn't I? I don't regret it. tomorrow has never looked so promising.
565 tomorrow has never looked so promising after yesterday's mirrors have been shattered even as we crawl through the glass we shove pieces aside, but carefully, because they mattered. tomorrow has never looked so dangerous after slipping on today's toys of distraction even as we reach for the next rung we dub ourselves princes of dissatisfaction. but tomorrow has never looked so clear because this time it's entirely ours it wasn't stolen after all, was it?
566 I crumble at your words they're not really what I wanted to hear... no matter, I'll still paint on my happy face in the morning and wash it off at night, when no one can see me my face paint hides my tear-stained cheeks. (you see behind it all, though, don't you) but never will I tell you that you arent saying what I wanted to hear. I never asked for comforting words, only asked what you were thinking about. perhaps I don't really want to know anymore maybe I never did. I can't help loving you anyway, even when you hurt me silently weeping behind my hand tearing apart as I think of what was said, I remember the exact words. after yesterday's mirrors have been shattered or maybe they were fixed... I don't want to look to closely, my eyes may bleed from the broken glass then I won't be able to see you, off in the distant sunset, professing your love... romantic, right? I can't help but hope you'll be turned down. even though I love you too much to be hurt, I still have spite. just when I think I finally know what love is, I realize that this will be no fairy tale. reality eats at me.
i hate you daddy i hate you more then the devles burning i hate you more then self harm and myself. even though I love you too much to be hurt, i still hate you. i hate what you did (and what you didnt do too.) i hate you because im hurt and i still love you. i hate you because i don't know how to do anything else i hate you because im dyeing to love you. i hate you daddy theres no way around it. you hurt me and my mommy jenny and dawn too even my kitty cat you hurt. you hurt me in never saying i was beautiful or telling me that it was ok to cry. you burnt my body in all the words you screamed in my face and to mommy too. thats why i hate you daddy even though I love you too much to be hurt.
NumberFiveSixtyEight There's no way around it. After nine long months (Though they suddenly don't seem that long) I'm still insane over you. Because I still feel this way What will happen to you and me? I don't know if I'm walking into the punch Or just walking back into your arms But tonight it doesn't matter Because tonight there are things on my mind. Things like orange juice Peanut butter cup ice cream Mint chocolate chip cookies Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Moonlight Sonata Your arms Your laugh (What a laugh) (Has it changed?) (What else has changed?) I keep seeing myself walking across the parking lot Opening the swinging door Walking down the gray stone stairs Footsteps echoing on the ugly yellow walls Like they have so many times before Heart going a few times faster than usual Walking into the lobby Into the punch Or into your arms.
569 into your arms I've pushed my way into your world. as if things couldn't get more complicated I bring in this silly little thing called love. how may I screw things up next? hurt hurt hurt burn me at the stake why don't you? I thought I was done with this. through with this mess because I don't want this but I can't keep away I can feel my own wrath. I remember the last time I felt this way so promising, only ending in disaster. I was a disaster. left in the gutter, had to work my way out one would think I'd be better prepared, take better care of myself this time burn, baby, burn
FiveSeventy ...And there is no sense in regret (the fire burns) What can you do, but watch? I can tell you that after this, the rains will come. I can tell you that after the rains, things will begin to grow. But that is later. Now is fire.
571 I can't tell you who I will love next but; I can tell you that after this, the rains will come. I can't tell you where I'm gunna fall over next but, I can tell you that your amazing. I can but I can't, I want to but it's not right. My brain don't see what my heart does. My brain see that you love someone else, but my heart keeps sinking deeper and deeping into love with you. My feet tell me that it's many miles to your waiting arms, but my hands say that they can't go on loving you like this. My ears can hear that you love me as much as I love you, but my eyes can't see anymore because there full of tears. I'll be on my way now to where? I don't know ... maybe back to your heart once more, if only to be droped again.
NumberFiveSevenTwo i'll be on my way, traveling towards the end of summer i'll be doing something something to write about. no more sitting listless cross legged on my bed wondering what my friends are talking about wondering what poetry they're creating what jokes are being made. this may be unoriginal but there's nothing new about just feeling down and out and cranky and my fingers don't want to write this poem. i'm pushing them to type but poetry seems too easy poetry feels like cheating it's not stretching the inside of my mind. it doesn't hurt anymore. i don't feel a strain or relief, when i'm done, and remember to breathe again. FiveSeventyThree just feelin down and out and cranky and wondering when it's gonna end it's starting to lesson it's getting better starting to feel happy without reason bad days, turn good dismal days, are looking sunny you still mean so very much to me but we're just friends and thats okay for now we laugh and joke with each other you told me that you could read my thoughts that you knew what i was thinking but did you really? 'cause if you could why am i writing this instead of lying in your arms? maybe its inviteable maybe i should accept it no, no, no! i'm not giving up on you yet because soon you'll see and than i'll know what i mean to you... ~Jadzia~ 574 what do I mean to you? tell me now, before I walk away. I'll break down the door, I want out out out. I'm done here, nothing left to say, nothing left to do. out out out I could just scream in your face the tears wont come, but my heart hurts still. I would rather cry the pain is unbearable. pain pain pain I'm not giving up on you yet, even though it's hopeless now I should throw it away it's at a dead end, a rut a gutter in my mind. dead dead dead I'm holding on, and for what? no need, it's over. i wish that were true...
FiveSevenFive no need, it's over. your pain is unnessesary. your emotions unneeded. all that we need you to do now is just walk out. and please, close the door behind you. find your own sunshine catch your own bright red leaves for you cannot share ours. thank you for everything you've offered but let's be honest we don't need you. i've caught my own red leaves i even have my pockets stuffed full of shooting stars unused and unusable in the bright sunshine and as the first big splatting drop of my life falls directly on my nose i doubt they will keep me dry. i leave them behind, my own personal trail of breadcrumbs in case i ever want what can never be (or in case they somehow change and love me) and i don't look back or up. the rain falls and is absorbed and more falls and more is absorbed until the world is one big mud puddle and even the ducks with mud all over them are yellow and there are so many shades of grey surrounding one person two people three, four, eight, a hundred and fifty people. some spend all their time staring at the ripples in one puddle. others dance, and sing, and stick out their tongues at the sky. some stay inside with a good book. some go on with their day to day lives. the rain falls.
fiveseventysix the rain falls shattering our perceivations (and perserverance) knowing people is hard, sometimes and sometimes, it will never ever matter again shattering everything, like ice, like glass like the water walking on the frozen night frozen solid do you know the lake when you are the lake when it is frozen, and a bird hops across, making prints in the snow for one moment one bird is the world it will all be over soon we will be frozen again. , wind FiveSeventySeven it will all be over soon the green will fade the rains will come (they're already starting) the sun will set early it will all be over soon no more idle moments impromtu water fights or a stop in just to say /hi/ summers almost over the days are getting shorter our weathers getting colder it will all be over soon long walks on the path bike ride to the creek weeknight get togethers whys it gotta end? ~Jadzia NumberFiveSevenEight week night blues when the train whistle lullabies aren't enough to make you dream sweet dreams. she told me my soul leaves my body every night i wonder what kind of hugs and inside jokes it's collecting without me. i wonder if it took any pictures. no wonder i feel so lonely every morning when i wake up. four nights this week i made you die four mornings i sat up and held my stomach without your voice in my ears i think i started believing the sickness of my dreams. weekend's coming and maybe that will bring change maybe the train will take me to a place my soul won't want to escape from. 579 Take me back Dawn, to a time where flowers where still beautiful and I wasn't starving. Take me back Shippy, to the days when stars where still stary and sunsets where still bright and on fire. Take me back oh take me back now ... take me back Mommy, to the time when we where still a family and daddy still loved you. Take me back Daddy to a place, my soul won't want to escape from. But I don't think you can. Take me into your arms and say that I'm beautiful for the first time ever. Oh family take me back! My arms are rotting and my heart is breaking once again take me back oh take me back I need it.
FiveEighty take me back to a time where flowers were still beautiful to a time when laughter was a way of life and lonliness was a foreign word to a time when i'd come home and dad would be in the kitchen making dinner with mom they'd be laughing & joking with each other i remember fun times of playing in the attic with glory running in the woods with kendal making special meals with violette jumping together on aurora's trampoline when her mom wasn't looking (cause we were only supposed to jump alone) take me back to simpler times when money wasn't an issue and my parents were happy and married when my family did things together to a time when i didn't feel guilty for having fun (i'm still working through those years of guilt trips) to a time when i didn't cry at night hidden under the covers so no-one will hear take me back please, oh please take me back to being 9 years old again and kissing dad goodnight take me back please, oh please won't you take me back? ~Jadzia~ Can you pleas cover your ears so no-one will hear what I'm about to say? Pist! Are you ready? Pist! You know what? Pist! I love you! And it's going to be ok.
FiveEightTwo they tell us that we're strong that we can get through this and its going to be okay but what if there wrong? and its better to accept defeat (in some cases) than to just smile and pretend everythings okay because everything isn't always perfect people aren't all kind and sometimes life sucks my hand is reaching for you to pull you up and out and away 'cause we can't do everything alone and sometimes all you need is a little push from someone who cares ~Jadzia FiveEightThree Pretend everythings okay.. Thats what they want me to do. It's so easy to fall into their world. No problems exist, "everythings ok" There's lots of smiles, so many smiles, But they're all fake. Who wants so many fake smiles? When you can turn around and have /one/ real one. I like to pretend everythigs okay. But then when I leave, everythings -not- ok.. There is still problems to be solved, arguments to be fought, and hugs to be given.. There is always something, something that has to be said, and not everyone wants to hear it, no one might want to hear it. But it has to be spoken. "Everythings gonna be fine"... Thats what they want you to think. Sometimes it is ok, for awhile. Then it starts all over again. The yelling, the tears, the guilt trips. People can only trust one another for so long before they become suspicious. So maybe pretending everythings ok isn't such a bad thing or maybe it is.. Sometimes people have to, and then the harsh reality hits them and they are thrown back into the real world.. Where everyone wants you to think "Everythings gonna be okay".... ~Snow~ 584suspicious. I suspected it all along pretending. everday I pretend it's all ok harsh reality. it can get better, it can get worse problems to be solved. I've got my share, believe me I see you've got yours too let's have fun together, sweeping them up to the attic where they can collect dust like old family photos who needs these problems! we trust eachother to help one another chase them away trust. she trusted you. I trusted you. you didn't trust yourself.
585it was something that i've suspected all along your fading, slowly fading right before my eyes i'm worried because there doesn't seem to be anything i can do your voice gets lower your starting to look almost transparent are you eating? are you bleeding? are you crying? i feel stuck in a void you cry for help and i feel helpless what do i do? what do i say? and so... i gather you into my arms and hold you i offer a listening ear a kind word i tell you that i love you because its all true i've become a better person because of you. ~Jadzia FiveEightSix I want to hear your voice again. I want to gather you into my arms and then melt away into your hug safe and happy. But you're too far away to touch. And so I stumble through the day just trying to get by without falling flat on my face. Some days it works fine. I dance through the day and sing through the night. But on other days it's all I can do not to curl up in a corner and not come out at all. And on other nights, if I start to cry I just can't stop.
My Story(#FiveEightSeven) My story has no words, yet it still speeks. My story has no sound, yet you can hear footsteps. My story is sad, yet so happy. It tells the tails of my sleepless nights thet bleed into the morning and so I stumble through the day once again. It tells the story of before pain and sickness had crept into my life. When Mommy and Daddy where still in love, I danced out under the stars and I wasn't starving or in pain. My story lives on past that. As time passes it sheds happyness tears light and blood smiles now gone and hugs given in silents. My life is my story, my body, my blood, my hugs and smiles. My story has no end, so it lives on forever.
FiveEightEight I danced out under the stars, almost alone. We sang to the moon, almost together. I dance, we sing, and I wait impatiently for the day when we will actually be together, not just almost together. Wait for the day when we can sing to the moon, and dance under the stars, two halves made whole, together again.
FiveEightNine I wait impatiently for the day leaving behind this silent vibration absense of light, absense of anything sucking myself closer and closer tighter and tighter I am more myself at night, when there is nothing around me but I prefer the light, drawing me out, letting me expand in the heat So I'm less dense more air, less substance I'm lighter and there is more of me.
FiveNineOh I'm more myself late at night. I don't have to worry about the odd looks I get, or the random comments, that hurt more than they know. At night, when all the lights are out, and I'm alone I can write, without worrying that someone will come and look over my shoulder and laugh.
591 he says he doesn't want to hurt me but of course I'm last on the list he hates to hurt, but his honesty does me in building my coffin slowly, all around me, caging me in I didn't want this!I don't want to feel these things anymore. I try not to let him affect me, but I guess I dont try hard enough. deep down, it makes me want to rip it up I want to throw things at it it? the reality which I am faced with I know I stopped caring too much, I stopped giving so much, stopped trying, in some ways. I'm on a one way road to friendship deterioration, again. maybe if you'd act more empathetic, which you've been in the past then you'd know what I'm talking about. I hurt because of you. and you do not know. I suppose I'd like to keep it like that. rather my tears than yours.
!ivE@inetY#wO
I don't want to feel these things anymore.
My boans are tired and my head hurts.
I've been hurting for so long,
I wanna be loved now.
I know the depth of hate,
the wetness of tears,
and the pains of cracking love.
I know it all.
So pleas,
stop hurting me.
Just.
Love.
Me.
Now.
593 just love me now just keep me strong just give me your light within, without, amidst, among our crowded feelings our caged in ceilings i've been meaning to let you know i've been meaning to tell you i can survive without your love but with it, I live beautiful too.
594 just keep me strong amidst these confusing feelings i'm surrounded by uncertanity i'm questioning everything can i live beyond the stereotypes? can i live without the labels, the mistaken identities, the pretty little boxes? I can I will can I? will I? I do I see through it all do I? do I see? I want to see past it, I want to live without it, but there's so much in the way starting with them... kick me to the gutter it's where I'll stay until I've escaped from my box of lies
FiveNineFive If I'm not having a bad night, I'm fine. And I know I'll be fine. That I can go for 3 more weeks alone and be okay. But on the bad nights, I don't know how I'm going to make it through. 3 weeks seems forever then. I know I'm going to be okay in the end, because the only other option is to not be okay. And I do not consider that to be an acceptable option. But wandering lost on the dark dark nights I need something solid to hold onto. Something to just keep me strong until the sun comes out again.
596 I keep saying I'm fine. day after day when really deep deep down where my anger boild and my smiles are painted im not really sure. where am i going? down the same road of self harm and starvation? oh god i hope not ive already done that or will i rise up to the sun and float on the clouds but i dont really wanna every time i have ive been droped its days like theses when i dont know where my knifes are and if thats good or bad i have to deside it's days like these when screaming "FUCK THIS" so loud your voice is gone and you feel nouthing after when you cry for hours and your face just feels wet its days like these when you don't know how much more one can take
597 crawling home in the rain why come home again? dreams and ambitions altruistic missions but we turn to ash without love.
FiveNintyEight crawling home in the rain when you know it isn't saturday and you wish it was the days are raining though and somehow they missed saturday and its lieing splattered on the sidewalk next to your dreams five ninety nine somehow they missed saturday, as if it didn't exsist anymore the day you get to sit down and forget rest a while, won't you? somehow they missed saturday... they didn't do it on purpose, just a mistake I'm sure didn't mean to take it away the only thing you had left was saturday 6-oh-oh (no one was up and I got bored so I wrote two) (~for m~) I saw you, quiet, scared, scarred I was scared too you look so little when you're next to me like a child again I know you've grown more than me, felt more than me, cried more than me He Hurt You. She Hurt You. (together is worse) let go, along with everything else that hurts, holding on will only make it worse. you showed me your scars I didn't turn away we both know deep down we aren't okay and I cling to you for protection for help, when I know I need to give it to you more than I need it from you (we can help eachother) tired of being used, tired of crawling home in the rain, tired of hurting yourself I want to sit with you, help you out of the rain, help you over the barrier which keeps you down. (I understand well, let me cling to you) only these words I have for you, you matter.
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