What's Slowly Dissolving You Archive1

ACID -ruth

knowing that theres not a damn thing i can do to help anyone or to help me.

my spine is crumbling i am all alone. it is summer outside and the dandelions are stronger than i am. i am alone. but more than that i am lonely. i am a summer night alone. by myself. small. alone and lonely. i am disolving from the two IMs i didn't have today, the ones that i thought would bring me back to my normal self. the two people i thought would comfort me and stand securely, weren't there to talk. the people that i learned to love this week are gone, they left today on the bus and i walked home. it was summer, it felt like summer. but they were gone and so i took the flower out of my hair. bouncing up and down is breaking me. i can't handle these swings too much longer. but i am afraid of what will happen if i stay still, if i stay in one spot. i think i will fade and fade until i disappear. and i need to be a streak of purple water color across a page, i need to be bright. whether i am a deep deep blue or a neon orange, i need to be colored. but i am not sure i will last much longer. soon i will end up on the ground and melt. a puddle. slowly disolving... RoyaBoya

my life seems to be slowly kind of disolving itself. i don't exactly know how to explain it...like the events and feelings and thoughts and goals all turn on themselves and disapear in the air, heat mirages in july style.~sarah c.

People not coming to visit me like they said they would
My boyfriend leaving to do other things while I'm running a high fever and feeling like sick shit.
My tummy
Memories of self-destructive habits, horrible days, and crying fits.
Not being good enough
Not being as good as people think I am
Being a bad friend, correspondent, daughter.
Laziness
Food
All these little things that keep happening to my body and making me feel like I'm dying
Losing old friends
Fighting with friends
Frustration and anger building with a certian person that can not be expressed
Keeping things from my parents
Growing up
Responsibilities
Panic

	-Summer

summer~sounds like you're having a tough time. i hope it gets better for you really soon:) if you need someone to talk to, feel free.peace~sarah c.

The thing that's dissolving me like Bic pen in Gasoline is the fact that Samantha, Krista, Corale, Matt, Nick, Cory... etc. aren't here anymore. I fucken looooooove those people! Plus there's all kinds of fun stuff that's happened since they left, namely my friend's dad has gone to the hospital because he's so depressed, I spent time with my ridiculously tense relatives who hurt each other's feelings constantly and never apologize, and I had a really weird nightmare the other day, and I never have nightmares... Okay okay admitted my troubles are not as bad as some of the other people's on this page, but I just needed to tell people shit. Know what I mean?

Hey there's more everybody! A good friend (albeit an adult one) is going to die of cancer tonight! Party! - Jonah

The fact that my skating is causing my mom and dad financial stress. I feel like the only thing I can do to help aleviate it would be to quit. I've already cut back to two days a week... I don't want to quit, though... I've finally found my niche, and it's expensive. I cannot express the amount of stress that's on me right now. I owe my mom big time, I have a lot that I have to pay for, I don't have a job, and I'm just stressing out about it, and it's driving me nuts. I've had this sort of constant pressure on me about money since 5^th grade, and it's only gotten worse. I never ask for anything from mom, unless it's an absolute neccessity, like if we need more toilet paper. I never mention anything about the fact that I need more clothes, and I never ask to go out to eat. I try not to ask for anything whatsoever... but it's still not good enough. That's just one more thing that's dragging me down, but it's bigger than the others. It just makes me want to cry - and I do, often. -JessicaSkater

I'm scared I won't find a job
I'm scared that I'm too picky about what kind of job I'll take
My body doesn't satisfy me. There's so much it can't do.
What if I never get the education I want?
My elbow is bad again. Really bad.
I don't like my step-father, and I have no justification for it.
Love scares me. It's so big.
What if I'm no good at whaat I love to do?
I have no money nor time to travel.
I am losing touch with 90% of my dear dear friends.
I get angry at myself for how often I feel extreemly fragile.

Mira

being terrified of not getting a job
or, worse, getting a job that means nothing to me, and spending my time in boxes (apartment box to subway box to job box and back again...)
ambivalence about new york
fearfearfear
worries about money
not being able to travel
losing myself

witchbaby

Lauren's list:

Winter
This island
Being too damn self aware sometimes...
High expectations
Lonliness
Worrying constantly and needlessly
Mixed feelings about so many things
Not feeling good enough at anything

Naela's list:

Not being able to trust my mom still dammit
Realizing that I haven't written some of my friends at all since camp
Feeling terribly needy
Feeling that people don't like me because I'm so needy
Not having enough money to keep from worrying
Not having enough money to travel (damn it)
Forgetting the little things about the people I love

Ari's list:

Not having enough money not to worry.
Not havng enough money to travel.
Not being able to talk to people when I need them most.

no one is e-mailing me or calling me or anything and in three days all be 14! Heather CallunaIsRad

not practising violin as much as i want to
missing people
candy. it will be the death of me.

 (cerin)

my brother
Something in the air I guess, I feel the same way today.
my mother but thats nouthing new...
after camp
bisexulaty to some point
my father
love
life
not fealing loved by campers
missing ppl
myself

here goes nouthing...

bisexualty
my past
my eating dissorter
food
always fighting for my life
my father
dawn
camp
the cool people that love me but i for get it.
loneness
my (@#$%^?@!*%) grandma
me
love
being to darn busy for life.
liveing loveing then letting go.
the thought that someone out there just died and there is NOUTHING i an do abount it.
being helpless
my appernce
what people think of me
my mother
people i hate that i hafto see.
seeing people that i love and did nouthing wrong get treated like shit
not feeling exseped for how i am
being shy
shuting down
not being open with the "real" world
not getting thanked for the giveing and giveing i do.
being used
hated
loved

shit thats a lot! -Heather CallunaIsRad

Wonderful, wonderful page.

Being far away from everyone I love
my parents
my grandparents
me
the stress from skating (but I love it anyway... go figure)
my little brother
being overscheduled, but having nothing to do
self-pressure

-JessicaSkater

Yeah. i was too much of a mess to write here last night when i made this silly page, but i figured i'd write now. i dunno. i guess, a lot for me.... little things will build up.. not getting attention from the right people, family, money, clothes, school, everyone i love being sooo far away, my body.. and sometimes, i just feel like i'm going to explode. and i hate it. so i figured maybe a place to just dump all the things that are slowly eating away at you, the things that when you have the time to think of them...are so depressing and present in your mind.. might be a good thing. i dunno.---rachel

me procrastinating learning to drive
insecurities about my general self-worth and competence to do anything
every so often, my compulsive liar habit from years past breaks through
my apparent pattern of getting sexual with people I don't really know or care about or who I know don't really care about me - "Slut! Slut!" says my brain
peer pressure ("Live for today! Take more risks!") vs. family pressure ("Be careful! Plan for tomorrow!") vs. me (pasivity, laziness)
me not being in kung fu anymore - "Quitter! Quitter!"
knowing I didn't really have closure with Sifu when I left back in March
lack of confidence in my ability to kick butt; my knowlage that my reflexes are shot straight to hell
my adoration and absolute trust in my father - "Do I follow after him too much? How much of my hero-worship is due to him being an awesome guy and how much is it him being my dad?"
immenent adulthood, and a nagging feeling I should leave my parents' house
every so often remembering how bad I am with math, and knowing I'll eventually have to go back to school
fear of being responsible for myself and my mistakes
being immature in inapropriate places and times
feeling too unfeminine/butch/athletic/unusual/loud/sexually permissive to be attractive to males as more than a night of fun
the way I don't stand up for myself; the way I assume that everyone else is right and I'm wrong
sex it's all exciting in fantasy, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach when it becomes a real physical possibility between me and someone else, no matter how much my hormones are raging
my face, my hair, my tan line, a thousand little superficial things that add up

Let me reiterate, sex. How far is too easy? When should I listen to my body; when should I listen to my brain; where's the difference between the two in that moment of passion? How serious we one take things said to us in the heat of the night? Sex (and by that I mean all messing around-type stuff) is a subject that eats me alive every day. As I said above, the concept of getting naked with somebody else and doing that makes me feel physically ill, no matter what state my hormones are in. And not stopping because of the strength of my hormones just makes me feel worse about messing around I mean, if the concept makes me sick, what psycological condition am I in to be doing that stuff in the first place?
Montana, and the person I became there
knowing I was just another girl to the majority of my sexual partners
feeling like a traitor to my gender, my generation and my city for letting people around me to say the things they do without jumping on them for it until they stop

-Samantha

my family, and how i feel like they love me but instead of hugging me they tell me all the things i shouldn't do. feeling like i can't love them because i don't think they understand me at all, and i don't understand them.
me. how mean and inconsiderate i can be at times.
my body. it's never good enough.
my almost constant preoccupation with hurting myself. but.. it's all in my head. that makes it almost worse in a way.
school. i haven't done shit all this semester, and i've been lying to my dad about how much progress i've made. it'll all fall through eventually. then fly open the gates of hell.
my relationship with God. i've been working on this so hard, for so long. and i get so tired and so sad.
boys. how i let them distract me, how i deal with them, how infatuating some are. how they make me feel, wondering if i should have gone farther, should have stopped shorter. everything.
a relationship that eats away at me when i'm away from him, and gives me wings when i'm with him. the fact that if anyone knew about him i could get seriously yelled at, everyone pissed off at me, get thrown out.
not believing people when they say they love me or that i'm beautiful.
people i thought cared about me being careless.
the fear of losing those i love.
feeling like i have to work so hard just for people to look my way.
not meeting my own fucking standards.

yeah. these things come and go, sometimes they weigh heavily and other times they don't as much. but they always are there, like the voice in the back of my head...

                      "i'm so sorry..."
                            -moth

being not good enough
The way I look
The way I don't do things I should/want to do.
The lump in my breast
How I withdraw
How I have no fucking clue

 *I hear you. /-Samantha/

My utter lonliness at times
The burning, all-consuming desire to be in a meaningful, romantic relationship
The grief at not having any people who live close to me that I would consider good friends
The fact that all the people who I consider friends and love and care about, I've know less than four months, which usually leads me to the conclusion that we don't know each other at all, so how can we really be friends?
My horrible fear of rejection, that no one really likes me all that much, or that if people do like me, it's just a very casual thing that they might not really mean, because they really don't know me that well
My body
My crush

~Becky~

feeling lost
one of my family members being very ill
wondering will it always be this way ( what's wrong with you? You're too selfish)
not saying anything when people order me around ( what's wrong with you? You're a pushover!)
drifting painfully away from my childhood best friend, realizing that we're not going to be close friends anymore
lonliness (where are the people you love? You need someone)
not feeling good enough (you aren't smart enough. you'll never go anywhere in life. you're not special. you're mediocre.)
this fatigue. I'm so tired of things being like this. We're all working so hard.
worry. ( is she okay? will she be okay tomorrow?)
guilt. (you're not doing enough. you're not being as kind as you should be.)

- Landis

Beginnings.
Keeping things quiet.
Knowing better and acting on my consciences behalf.
Being conscious
Lack of ability to spell conscious
Having realized I spelled conscious correctly
My overbearing future <- if I have one.
My overbearing mother.
My pathetic hit-and-run tactic.
The inability to get off my lazy ass to do the simplest things that could improve my life.
Lies.
Knives.
"Perfect" lives (oh MY!)
The deep-down want to be something out of a comic book <- like when I was little.
The saturated feeling I get when I want to help people, even when I'm being honest.
Paranoia.
Insecurity - physical and mental.
As Spike put: "Whining, like now."
Long lists.
Being far from those I love - again, physically and mentally.
Feeling like I have a "Hank" in my "Charlie" brain.
Not being capable of putting emotion into anything for fear people won't like the real me.
Video-games (believe it or not).
Endings.

~Dean.

needing/wanting money
thinking
not thinking
distance
jealousy and trying not to be jealous
not writing anything good
confusion
not taking care of myself, on purpose
loosing touch with friends
that my life is so so so wonderful and i'm not happy with it

marina

loneliness
the way i take that lonliness and get into *relationships* where i hurt, or get hurt, because i turn that lonliness(a soul thing) into sex(a physical thing).
a boy
trying to "figure out" my life and not getting anywhere, so i am standing so still right now
the way i make everything into some tormented lonely artistic romantic scenario
underneath alot of shit, the baby i chose not to have.
beauty(the pursuit of it and the feeling i have never acheaved it)
the way my sister hates the fact that i smoke(cigarettes)and constantly picks on me about it.

~sarah c.~

That my worst fears, that untill now I've excused as just paranoia, seem to be comeing true.
That I need people to see that there's something wrong with me and offer me their comfort and supourt. But for some reason I am forcing my self not to cry around people and pretending that everythings fine.
That I'm pretty sure some people know something's wrong with me and just don't care enough to try and help.

wow I hear you. yeah. ~Eire

helplessness
the insane need to not eat, but then i eat, & then i feel sick
loneliness
words
silence
pens & paper
drawing
all the things i love
all the things i hate
rain
silver
books
saltwater & seashells
the taste of steel

Kat e.\Kate

what people have written on this page. it makes me feel so helpless and sad and like i should be doing something to take away the pain that everyone's in and i'm failing
guilt...and then feeling guilty for feeling guilty. second guessing every emotion and thought i have
missing everyone who is far away
my reflection
feeling helpless. like those dreams where you can't move or scream or do anything. watching people i love hurt each other as i hide like a coward. being afraid that they'll do something that can't be fixed or ignored. not knowing what to do.
not being able to create again, and not knowing if i will be able to any time soon...
numbness
nightmares
fear
people
not being a better friend, or alternately being too good of a friend to people who hurt me...
tiredness
feeling like i need to talk, desperately, but i don't really know what to say
happiness, looking back on how easy everything is when i'm happy and like i can't measure up to it when i'm not
needing everything to be moral, to be right and wrong, and seeing so much of my past and myself as wrong, no matter what people tell me

jenny

Realizing that one of my best friends is driving me crazy, and I don't feel close to her anymore, and feeling like it's my fault (You're not giving enough of your energy or generosity to this friendship)
Constantly feeling tired no matter when I wake up or how much sleep I get (getting up early=unrested; getting up later=sluggish)
Missing Dawn
Wondering if I miss her too much
Wondering if I miss her enough
Constantly seeing last year's camp as a disappointment and overlooking most of the good moments
Letting my eyes dry up so that my contacts start to hurt
Being outgoing and funny and generous around people I know, and wishing I could be this way all the time
Realizing how hard it still is for me to relate to others
My fear of people
Thinking about everything so hard that I always seem to develop an ache between my eyes by mid-afternoon
Watching my cat age
Wondering how much more time she has
Not making time to write
Procrastinating finding a job
My impatience with my parents
Everyone else's suffering

Mitchell

 Hating people
 Knowing, or at least believing, and having no reason /not/ to believe that
people hate me
 Doing my own thing
 Never ever ever handling situations in such a way that i can look back on
my behaviour without selfreproach
 Looking back on my behaviour with selfreproach
 Knowing that you're reading this, right now, and judging me for it
 My father
 Gorgeousness that is nigh and flown in an moment.

~Kimberly

Feeling Guilty for not having to have dealt with anything serious ever.
Feeling nervous about if what I've done sexually is right or not.
Feeling like an ass-hole for not sending the letters that I want to send and not talking to the people I want to talk to.
Wanting a closer relationship with some who lives too far away and the realization that I have to accept the distance at some point.
Want for a closer relationship, period.
Not being able to understand my feelings half the time and the other half being unsure if I'm feeling right.
Tinges of unnecisary jealousy.
Knowing that I'm going to have to deal with close friends moving.
Not feeling like I have enough control over my life.
My parents
Not being able to have a serious conversation with members of the opposite sex.

That's all the stuff I can both think of an put into words right now.

   Matt H

growing up.
my ego.
guilt for dumb things i've done and mean things i've said.
being relatively comfortable in myself but still always looking for approval from others (out of habit?).
needing more attention than some people, and the fact that that bothers some.
confusion.
jealousy.
when people call me "slutty."
feelings of inadequacy.
the helpless frustration i feel when people say things that aren't true about me (e.g. "slutty" or "liar") but there's nothing i can do to change what they're saying.
not being able to help people who are hurting because they won't help themselves.

~Jennyrose

Worrying about anything and everything.
My obssetion with the opposite sex.
People of the opposite sex living more then a thousand miles away.
Some one of the opposite sex that is way too old for me and I could never have.
Lonliness. (very commen eh?)
My house there's just somthing about it that doesn't seem like home...
My shyness.
My Dyslexia.
Always wanting to be more phisicoly fit then I already am.
What other people think.
Somthing that happined in Texas that was all my falt and I feel really bad about.
Reality.
My nack to be able to ignore some one totally...
My clouthes
people not knowing how much a care about them...

Wow...that was long *starts the slosly disolve*. -NickV

Loneliness
Being far away from people that I really care about
Feeling lost, not sure what I want to do with my life
Not showing people how much they mean to me
My parents trying to decide my future for me
Feeling forgotten
Worrying about what people really think about me
Not being good enough to my friends, not telling them how much they really mean to me
Hiding from myself what I really want
Trying to do too much and not having enough time for what I really want to do
Feeling helpless, watching from a distance and not being able to do anything about certain things in life
Not caring and not feeling motivated about what I feel most strongly about
Being closed off, not being open about what I really feel

~Curi~

my parents hating the very idea of my relationship with gabriel, because he's older than me and I'm going away to college next fall, and forbidding me to see him.
going along with my parents' decision, at least for a little while, because I'm so tired of lying and sneaking around to be with someone I love.
most of the best memories of our relationship only happened because I lied to my parents.
the Look I get from my mom when I even mention his name.

my friend jesse is in physical pain all the time and there's nothing anyone can do to help him.
the way jesse acts around me when he's on drugs.
the fact that I feel taken advantage of, and can't trust him because he has no impulse control and doesn't listen when I tell him I'm not interested.
the feeling of guilt and revulsion I get every time he touches me.
we used to be such good friends. but now... almost everything he does hurts me. and I don't know how to tell him that.

I let people walk all over me.

wow... that's enough for now. ~becca

Chocolate
the sickly sweet feeling after eating too much candy
sudden confidence issues coming out of nowhere after a long time of no problems on that front at all
lazyness
lack of motivation today
my weakness
somebody being gone
feeling bellow and beyond the people I'm around, at the same time
all the lovely people who live so far away

  *Tank*

Feeling way too alive and not having anything to do with it
People
Things that break and crumble and crack as they age. The way of all things?
Losing friends faster than the ice snows and melts into ice and falls from the skyscrapers onto the poor little innocent bystanders, who are left standing there dead saying...."huh?". Ouch.

~whispering wandering wind

a friendship pattern that's just like any abusive relationship, but I can't not love her.
lying about pointless trivial things just to distance myself from it
Father
I'm Never Going To Make It Into College, Who The Fuck Do I Think I'm Fooling?
being desprately in love with acting, and being a fucking rotten actor
having to maintain long-ago lies to my family because if I ever slip they'll eat me
seeing myself in everything I hate
not being able to trust my fucking sister, no matter how much I love her
never being able to touch the world without bringing my body with me

-Miranda

myself
the strangers that always stare
the special ones in my life that don't seem to care
the one person in my life who I know will never love me the way I love him
the shadow I live in
the trust my mother thinks she has with me
the lies I feed myself and others
the world that surrounds me
my past
my future
laziness
the things I know I can't have
my brother and his way of being
jealousy of friends for little things
the strength I wish I had
my shyness
the stranger I see whenever I look in the mirror
the friendships that I've lost to my brother
not being good enough for my own standards
worrying too much
being judged by people that don't even know me
getting so angry at myself that all I want to do is stand on edge of life and death
my body and how much I wish I could change it
my mom and her dishonesty
regrets
emotional pain I can never get rid of
the distance between me and my closest friends
hating myself for nothing
my mother and her put downs
not being able to quit smoking
depression
candy
feeling unloved
always being around people
not being able to be around the ones I need the most
feeling completely alone
my short temper
my inabilty to yell or get mad without crying
the life I live

-Lydia ®

My shyness
My physical appearance
Growing up
Feeling not loved
Feeling i am not good enough
Always Feeling responsible for my sisters

-Alyson

Being lonely feeling like my friends could care less identifying with songs adults who don't trust me missing camp feeling like there's no one to talk to crying drifting away from someone special wondering if anyone misses me (concieted) thinking I'm stupid for worrying about little things Franny

Running away from people again and again and again
Taking things for granted
Not being satisfied

 - Emma

My feeling of living in my brain. It's so small in there. And I know the world is full of wonder and magic, but I can't access it. I hate that!!! I hate myself for not being able to access it. Outside of me there is infinity. Inside it's only me. And I am stuck inside. And nobody knows what it's like inside me.

I hate that I do not love and have never loved anyone except for someone who I can't be with.

I hate that I can't sleep at night because I have insomnia.

I hate that people are destroying the earth. This is dissolving me.

I hate that I do not have a normal eating pattern. I eat too much junk, and I hate myself for doing it. Even as I eat, I hate the food I am eating, I know I am doing myself harm, I know I'm going to feel bad and fat, but I eat it anyway. How idiotic of me!!!!

I am slowly being dissolved by mental illness. By lack of energy to do anything, I just want to sleep. I know that the only certainty is death.

I hate pretending that everything's okay when I'm in public, but I know I will be even more miserable if I don't.

---Sofia

Home dissolves me. My nostalgia, my longing for innocence, memories of happiness and memories of storms. I love something that's not there anymore, like this place seems so full, and yet so empty. Emptiness dissolves me.

My persistant self-loathing, despite how far I've come and how much I've grown up. The voices in my head, an endless recording machine of negative thoughts and fantasies about violence and suicide. Waiting for everything to be just right before I allow myself to relax and be happy with myself and the world.

The way I withdraw from other people until all my relationships are shallow ones. How I panic in crowds sometimes and obsess over how people view me. How I don't trust my friends to stand by me, even when they've never left me before.

Good lord, I'm turning into my mother. I'm turning into my father. I'm praying that I don't turn into my grandmother. If I'm all these pieces of other people then what is me?

Eireann

food
loving people so far away
my dad
my brothers
money
myself
my so called friends from here
my weight
my life in general

~erynne