Skillet cornbread, fresh out of the oven, conspires with yesterday's scents of barley bread and blueberry muffins to smell up my kitchen. Bliss. Home sucks. I wonder why I got off the bus, and even came back here. All I can think of is the memories and people that I miss, and wish I could stop going through memories and start making some. Changes are occurring, and I can barely give a fuck. Thinking of the next time I can leave, get away from it all when I haven't even been back for a day. Home is not where my heart is. I'm eating a quesadilla. Drinking chacolet milk. And I'm in love. Victor is doing good. You're never here when I want you to be anymore. I could really use your ear. i spent yesterday being kissed. it seems like forever ago. only yesterday? my mind is boggled. i believe in me again. even if we are both blaming it on lack of sleep. or we tried to. and now i don't know. for a girl who spends her life pinpointing her emotions into poetry, i am experiencing a widespread numbness and have no clue as far as ANYTHING goes. however. i spent the day at the beach with gretchen and the jakes, ate delicious indian food and waltzed in the ocean with jake o. cuddled. watched a sunset. listened to bob dylan and laughed a lot. so maybe my emotions aren't that important anyway.
Well, I'm sitting here at the computer, and it's dark outside, and I'm sitting here hitting my head and yelling: "Go the fuck away you stupid voices!! Begone, foul darkness!!" I dunno if it's working too well, but at least I got a neat poetry streak out of my misery.
make me strong enough to walk away. it's 11:02 am shippy leaves to the old city in little under 3 hours. last night we had out last family movie that i fell asleep in snuggled up next to dawn and ryland. when the movie was over i cralled down to her bed and herd her say her good night prayer for the last time by the time i opened my eyes i noticed i was crying. once she said it we talked a little between sobs of "i'll miss you" "i love you" "i'm happy for you... your going home finlly" she said the last bit of her prayer and i started to cry again. i'll miss her. there i said it. i'll miss her like fucking hell and i know it. dear god. make me strong enough to walk away from her. dear god please keep my flish and blood safe. please god. i'm asking you just keep my sister safe. I am flying... which is strange because its now 4:31am (eastern time) every time I get up I clean a differant part of our messy messy house, and all in like a couple minutes max. I'm typing like crazy and gathering songs from my friends and singing amazing grace and the songs from rogers and hammerstiens Cinderella what a wonderful feeling, I'm glad to be alive. I rarely feel this good being alone. Zaria the singing madwoman from the sticks I miss Carrie's touch, having touched minds earlier today I miss Marina's smile, having heard hre voice, recorded, tonight.
Javien woke up crying and the thing she wants is twenty-two hours away looking for a job. She has ten minutes on the computer and has to find classes to take. Damme. The party is ending. Mellowing out. It was a wild party. Very energetic and hyper. Not the type suited to me that much, but it did have it's good points. Vicki, Jess, Rael and Mical just left. :( They should stay forever. Marina just came up to me and said "But I'm supposed to get the computer after Kathleen. Oh wait, you are Kathleen." Marina needs more sleep. Like everyone here. Mel and Mike are leaving now. Mel is good at seducing my wives. And everyone it seems. She didn't quite seduce me, but she came close. This morning the party became suddenly quite mellow. Which was nice. We sat around in people piles for most of the morning. Becky's singing and playing guitar in Marina's bedroom. I like this song. I don't know what it's called. In about 7 hours Becky, Fiona and I will be the only ones left here. The clean-up crew. *grins* I'm gonna go join the Becky fan club in listening to her now. Love Kathleen Monday. Mid morning, bare feet. My Shippy leaves tomorrow for Israel. I try to focus on more then that, but not much more comes. I wonder what i will do Wed, other then work 8 eight hours. Im listening to stuff recorded over New Years and missing everyone, eating left over cheesecake and hanging out. Change is in the air, just wish it was easier to trace. -Dawn Sigh. I'm really lonely. -Emerie Kat's gone. I'm sick. School starts tomorrow and all I really feel like doing is sleeping for a long time. Definitely not fencing or dancing. marf. -Rosie i need to be brave. -ali YAY thomas is doing well....well.... ok hes doing crappy but thats beacouse hes not with enny unschoolers! so every one is gunna have to come viset me! no realy im doing ok beacouse the some certan person i love lives farrr away oh well i will travle this summer! love yall Thomas i started a mental list today um. i'm good. rosemary, her mom, & i all went to the beach today. of course, the beach thrills me & takes my breath away. i have one picture left in my first roll of film with my new camera. i kind of just want to take it & get it over with. i leave in a few days. it's been well worth it so far.
i'm not thrilled to be back, but i have to admit... i really did miss the palm trees.
I'm feeling major camper withdrawel. We dropped Zaria off at the Grayhound station today. My house feels empty without the 15+ people that have occupied it for the past week. It's cold without couch piles at night. I feel the air on my sides---people are supposed to surround me and keep the wind and the world away. What if I never see them again? I can't go back to camp...I haven't the money to travel. I need these beautiful people, more then food, more then sleep. I wanted to dance. Did you? Dancing scares me. i'm scared to move in rhythms. what if i get it wrong? and i say "i can't dance" and they say "of course you can" but i can't because i'm too scared. to concious of every move my feet make. but i wanted to dance with you. i glowed in the sunshine one day beaneath the pine trees because she told me i was pretty. it's so easy to make me glow. i'm glowing now but my stomach is burning from telling semi-secrets.
Tired. Woke up early to a world enveloped in fairy mist. Went running in my shirt sleeves. Saw an old lady wrapped up on her porch, with her cat by her side. She saw me and made shivering motions with her arms wrapped around herself. I said good morning & I'm not cold, I've been running. Made bread yesterday, the biggest batch I've ever done, ten cups of flour. It's perfect I make paper cranes now while I listen to the evening news. I used to listen to it while making dinner but I wondered if I was mixing my sadness into the food. i'm in berkeley. got my portland photos back today. woe. woe is me. i miss the way i breathe in portland. or maybe it's just because i'm sick now.... ...went to CCAC today. i've now visited my two top choices of schools, and they are both still my top two. i want to go to one of them so badly, that i can't decide which i want more. and the odd thing is that i've never thought that i won't get into the school of my choice, but now.... money. how am i going to afford it? the answer is i won't be able to. and i will wither and die. i had to finally give up on my 4dollar thrift store boots that i've had for almost two years. this is a more devasting than you'd think. i've been enjoying being the wide eyed tourist. and i'm sorry that going to santa barbara in a few days will mean the end of my trip. i can't look ahead and i'm trying my damndest not to look back, but i'm afraid to look at the HERE. because here ends tomorrow when i go home. i dont' want to go home. i want to go back to the train tracks, drink chapagne and sit there with the broken glass and graffitti forever. please?
If I wasn't so happy I'd be miserable, and if I wasn't so miserable I'd be happy. God life is weird. there are only 9 unschoolers left in the house, and it feels empty... for the first time, sence I got here, all of us who were eating, were able to sit around a table, insted of just on the floor in the liveing room, and if we don't buy food, there really will be nothing in the house.
new years has been awsome, best unschooler gathering EVER, really, we have had a wonderfull, tight group of up to 28 people, who all got along well, had cool conversations, went places, did things, cooked, ate, cleaned, sang, danced, it has been some good fun.
one part of me wants to keep fallowing people around the countrey for the next month or two, other part of me wishes that I would not get arested, and escorted out of Canada, if I stayed here past the 31st... so I will just enjoy what I have, while I have it, and be happy. I'm colder here than I ever was in Edmonton. I think that about sums it up. Hello, I just found an interesting site: http://www.inequality.org
Just to let everyone know. Everyone surrvived my New Years Party. BARELY. It was VERY close. But we are fine except for a few scrapes on Rachael and Daniels arms. You can read my LJ for more (Tomorrow) and in Rachaels LJ.
Jafe here. Livejournal won't work and I don't want to clutter up this space with my personal shtuff. but I'm kinda learning to be loud, and this is a good thing to do and here's hoping I don't stop. False Pride was hella good. I'm listening to them at Candra's desk. I think I really don't know what I want. It's not like I can just pick something, y'know? And that's what everyone's expecting. I want to get up early. But do you want to be a podiatrist, or a car saleman, or a or a sculptress or a professional lawn groomer? Plbbbbt. We've gotten into so much trouble the last few days, and averted so much more, I can't imagine how anything else is ever going to be fun. We got in a car accident yesterday. Nick's car broke. I never got to drive it. We took a turn too fast and just fell off the road, and despite the fact that I adore falling into things, my shoulder hurts today, and Nick and George are stuck in...wherever we are now. Kentucky. He loves me. My nails are blue and purple and red and all, but I think we're gonna be okay darlin. I leave today, and if I say that again I will cry. I screamed. I screamed when we fell. I can't believe I was so damn weak. Maybe I am just a girl after all. Why do all american girls act so rough? And we're lying on the hard wood floor watching fight club, and I don't feel tres femme. Do you still love me? And we're in front of the bonfire and I'm drinking and drinking and I'm so cold and there's nothing left to drink and you're so warm. Do you still? Do you? When you're speeding down the road at sixty and you suddenly stop, why do you think about your life and what you want? I want to be great, like the great gatsby and I want to smell good and live in a castle, but not till I'm old. And you live just looking for the beautiful things, you live making up pictures and then trying to be part of them, you live for giving away flowers and kissing and shaving your head and crying in fields of poppies on a hillside in provence and playing guitar in a messy backyard with brown eyes penetrating you while the sunsets but you never feel quite equal to it, you never feel quite beautiful. And then people say things...like you float, girl, and you make poetry seem real, and I almost believe them. But not quite. leaving. tomorrow. no. don't wanna. but i'm going to end this particular visit with a huge step of triumph. i am getting from zen's place to the portland airport ALL BY MYSELF. think i can handle it? oooh baby.
I'm not a lemming. Give me that, at least.
I'm contemplating 10-mile away, 3000 feet up camping trips by bicycle for this summer with the person I love. I'm painting Iowa sunrises and wondering where my love is going to live.
i'm at zen's again, hogging the computer. dean and matt are playing guitar, and it's so nice to just sit here and listen to them. people are washing dishes, and talking and cuddling...and i am getting panicky at the thought of leaving. home is practically non existant and public transportation is my bitch. i made such good friends. i'm so afraid that when we leave it will be The End
Yeah. Franny and I are really dumb. Here's proof: http://photos.yahoo.com/buttercup_ona (click on "New Years") ....yeah. Hello.
It's 11:30. I'm alone in a cold living room. (Everyone else in bed) bouncing around and mentally shouting: Eeee!
Why?
I have alot more things that I am happy about than I am sad about.
& I'm not really sad, just mopey and frustrated here. lately. And this makes me sad.
I'm reading all these, and I'm on the computer for the first time in a couple days, hogging the phone line at my aunts house with The Pink Panther Strikes Back playing behind me, and just noticing, "oh hey, they're all together, at all those parties, aren't they." And it's nice enough here. We had the complete family together for my grandparents 52nd wedding anniversary. Their 4 kids, with spouses, and 10 grandkids. So we're all over at my aunt's house now, watching movies, we'll have dinner after this one, and apperantly some people here think it's something unusual to stay up until midnight. I miss my piano. I want to take Grandma and Grandpa's piano home with me. I don't like how much of an audience I have every time I play here. But sometimes... I sound good enough on that piano to forget about the other people in the house. It's nice enough here. But something's missing. I miss the computer. Kinda pathetic, eh? It's been what, 4 days with no internet access and I become desperate? Sheesh. Okay, enough of that here.
I'm felling pretty goood today I'm raping up a lot of the stuff I've been doing just in time for new years. new years eve will be spent alone my parints are going to a party which I'm not invited but its cool it will be fun with just me and dick clark.-lydia raymond YAY! My show is finally over. I was in Little House by the Shores of Silver Lake at a theatre here in Kansas City. I had 82 shows. Sigh. I am not really sure how I feel. Being an unschooler for 10 years, I am not used to such a repetitive schedule. And this show was quite a commitment. I feel estatic, released, and naked all at once. Its kinda crazy. Thats one thing that is so appealing to me about being an actress- the crazy schedule. Its so much fun and totally exhausting and then its OVER. It ends so abruptly. You practically live with the csat. I mean they are your family. And your family doesn't normally just all leave at once. I know I will miss it, I've already cried my eyes out...but I am also a little excited. I am free again..I plan to travel and enjoy my free time =) A little sad but mostly happy Abbi i'm sitting at zen's place, huck, myst, kim w, kat, scott, jesse, matt h, adam di, and dean are perched in various places around me. someone's playing videogames, someone's playing guitar, someone's cooking pizza and someone is on the phone. we've been running wild throughout the city of portland, and i am desperatly in love with the cold and the gray and the trees with twinkle lights. public transportation is GOD, and i haven't slept alone yet. we went dancing last night, at sara brown's marimba concert, and i felt giddy and exhilirated, looking down at the beautiful dancing people and seeing so many faces that i love. it was the scariest thing i've ever done in my life; dancing in front of people. but i did it, and i have never felt so confident. kim and i navigated the distance between jasmine and zen's house by ourselves today, which led me to one conclusion: i am ready to live here.
I am in between moods. I am happy because I got to talk to my really good friend Patrick 3 times yesterday. But then I am kinda just out of it, ya know? I don't really want to do anything, yet I want to do something. That sounds pretty strange, but it makes sense if you look at it the right way. So hmm...I think that I will try and make the rest of today a good day, and do something, anything, that is productive, and fun. I want to do something fun and crazy! I should go and think about what to do...-Snow Subtle and not so subtle people noises drift through the house. It sounds like camp, guitar, Beatles, soft laughter and talking giggles and shouting. Chris and Lorin were jamming in the diningroom, a massage circle going in the livingroom. I forgot about quatities of people, one room will be full and so will the next. I am very happy. 17 little shiney scrubbed unschooler faces overwhelmed my Tom Hortons this afternoon as i got off work, i felt like i could fly. A 2 hour nap and its 1 am now. Wierd. Its in some ways like i never left session 1 1999.... -Dawn
Although I came in from the hot tub quite a while ago, other people are still coming in wet and red. I am warm and tired and comfortable in my flannel pajamas, and there are people laughing in the room next to me. Everyone is here who's going to be sleeping here... Dawn, Shippy, Heather, Ruth, Tom, Dan D, Victor, Ryland, Mitchell HB, Alyson, Shayna, Lorin, Chris, Mike, Josh, Erin and Erin and Erin ( newly dubbed Larry, Moe and Curly...) Katherine Muffin Goddess, and some other people who must be really quiet cause I'm not remembering them... I think there are 23 teens here total, and a couple more local people coming tomorrow I think... It's intense. And wonderful. And hella fun tromping into Dawn's work this afternoon... also very fun filling up half the bus every time we go somewhere. I love the snow too. I wrote a poem today, and yesterday. I can't think of anything I miss. Except my job. I want a smoothie... *grin* I'm impatient today. I sent out packages, and I want them to be gotten, and enjoyed, and oohed and ahhhed over. I want to write, but i don't know what to write. Or rather i DO know what i want to write, what i NEED to write. But it's taking me awhile. I still need to sort it all out. I need e-mails, phone calls, love.
I like dancing. I like the floor of my room. Where are you all these days? Who are you? I just spent a few unhappy minutes listening to Helen Caldecott on the radio, whom I admire and respect greatly, but who is very depressing. At my local "save our radio station!" meeting last night I had some cool conversations, but was turned off by the atmosphere of depression and bitterness about the state of the world and the conflict of the egos of people who are supposed to be on the same side. It makes things confusing and un-fun. I've been bringing cookies to try to add a more festive atmosphere. heh. Bad things in my life: rain. George Bush. No umbrellas (this is just stupid). Procrastination. Good things: another book on tape I can tape for Heather. My floor. Ginger candies. Marinated tofu. Lovely winter gifts from lovely folks (thank you Amy, Robyn, Tessa & Em!!!) Another book out of the library. Yoga. Paycheck. Almond butter. Going to hotsprings with Melissa & Liz soon. Kat coming to visit me. Mad electrical blasts of inspiration. Things are wonderful these days... I have an Emerie on my lap! What more could a guy ask for? ~Ted my mom: "someday you'll fall in love & know what it's like." me: "give me a break." my mom, while watching the newer version of Sabrina with Harrison Ford & Julia Ormond, while on the subject of Julia O's prettiness: "you look like her. well, you'd look like her if you let yourself. some day you will though." me: "...what do you mean?" my mom: "i don't think you let yourself be pretty." yup. my mom.
i leave tomorrow for portland. why can't this penetrate my thick skull? i've been obsessing over paint shop pro lately (www.livejournal.com/user/royaboya) and i no longer have any other outlet but that. must pack, i MUST pack. laundry. buy film. socks. find bathing suit. but instead i think i'll go see a movie. for the first time in forever i have a friend my age nearby who i can call up in the morning and go do something the next hour. it does me good; spontaneity keeps me going. no more three month long planning for a two hour movie. yay.
I'm drinking a home-made latte and listening to the lovely voices of Rebecca Riots. I'm still surprised and delighted to be sitting at home on the computer instead of working in a USPS warehouse. Normally the beginning of my shift would be fifteen minutes away. I'm so glad to be through with that. In about seven and a half hours I'll be on the first leg of my journey to Edmonton. After I get through customs (ugh ugh ugh) and after my four-hour layover in Vancouver (see previous parenthetical statement, only far more so), it should be smooth sailing. Perhaps I'll actually finish The Fellowship of the Ring on my way. My new travel pouch is hanging from neck, under my shirt. It feels a little strange, but not unpleasantly so. It's reassuring to have my passport right there. I'll be crossing the border with valid proof of citizenship this time. Woo hoo! Some time before I leave I'd like to meditate with my brand new home-made bench. My most magnificent and amazing mom cobbled it together, with the help of a neighbor, while I wasn't around. I could not possibly have been more surprised. Kneeling for long periods of time will never be a burden again, at least not in the physical sense.
My dad wanted me to go through photoalbums with him, getting out pictures that he can scan into his computer and add to a little movie he's making to show at James and my wedding. And so many of those pictures are of me and my two closest friends... In ancient Greece a girl's wedding used to be the funeral of her childhood. She'd give her toys away, and say goodbye to childhood. And preparing this photo-collection... without both of these friends there at my side that day, my wedding is going to end up at least partly as a funeral to my childhood - to our childhood together. How strange.
watching a movie with my mom. her head on my shoulder. woman on the screen dies, quietly, and my mother cries. she says robyn i'm scared and it's so dumb. i say mom, being scared is okay. but it's just me i'm scared of she says. i say mom, i don't know anybody who isn't scared of themselves. life is strange when you can tell your mother it's alright to be afraid.
Kat's comin ta see me! ;) i'm trying to sort everything out in my mind. go over every little detail, make sense of it all. its not working. why can't christmas be as magical as it used to be? why can't i answer the question "who am i?" as easy as i used to? i wish i wasn't sitting here alone. to night is my last night at home, for a month or so, while I stay at Dawn, and heathers house, I should be packing, but insted, I have a pile of my stuff, on my bed, that takes up most of my bed, and I have two little bags to put it all in... I spent most of the day today, finishing a book case I made for mom, eating, and then wondering around in my shop, makeing a box out of some cherry wood, it was not as perfect as I would hope for, but I made it useing a joint for the corners that I used to think only people who were gods to me, could make, so me, as a lesser god, can now make them but they are not flawless... but I had fun useing some chisles that I got from my parents. then I spent some time, working on, and trying to figur out, how to put an edge on Nicks bat'lith, now I just need to get the plans from that boy, so when I get back, I can make it for him. so I'm doing well, I can't wait to get to Canada! and I hope that I don't forget to pack anything... I...want...um...hmmm...ah...to make money. That's what I want most right now. Sorry to ruin yer storybook ideologies. Love is not all I need. I need something hard to work at, something to bury myself in. Now. Jafe. Atchoooo Im sick and waiting for Tom and Ruths flight to arrive. All I've done today is try to sleep and that hasnt worked too well. Its Christmas which feels wierd. Im realizing Christmas means so little to me. Its the middle of winter, all i want to do is sleep. People start arriving tonight. I work 6 hours tomorrow. I am happy. -Dawn i am ready for love...
so i feel like the most rotten friend in the entire world. but i've never felt more validated in my longtimeforming ideals and philosophies. find the balance. maybe getting out of the house will do it. flying to portland might help. going to berkeley. santa barbara. throwing myself into a mix of arms and torso's and sleeping bags. people will help me. even though i think the best solution is to become a hermit. how long will you still love me if i never send you packages? happy birthday to marina. the girl who made me remember i was less fragile than orange blossoms. rollercoaster in her bedroom,hah. she sold the tickets. and yeah. life will go on. but who will go on with me? that's the question.
Eight hours of sleep and I still don't feel like I've had enough. I think I'm getting sick. Did I say already that I have a holiday job? I've been working three days a week doing gift-wrapping at the bookstore Liz works at. I signed up to work tomorrow I went to my first "Save KPFA" group last week. Y'all have heard me rant about KPFA before, but I can't resist: I love them. They are a genuine independent community radio station. They have real news, awesome DJs, and amazing programmes. Anyway, they've been fighting an evil director's board (called Pacifica) which through a series of unfortunate events was taken over by corporate interests, who wanted to censor the news & music, and who locked out, fired & intimidated much-loved and excellent staff, and even discussed selling the frequency. (No!) Anyway they just reached a settlement in court, but KPFA still has really big debt, so this group is organizing fund-raisers and the like to help 'em. My task is to do a good graphic for the flyer advertising the Nina Gerber & Laurie Lewis benefit show. (Cool, eh? ;) ) Only one more week of 2001. This painful, long, profoundly changing, numbing, wild sad long transitional partying sometimes joyous year is rolling back to make way for a new one, untouched by any f**k-ups. Melissa Bicheler (you folks remember her!) is home tonight from New York. God it'll be good to see that girl. She & Liz & I are gonna go to the hotsprings and soak and soak. When I can, I've been curling up on my bed and gulping down Tamora Pierce's new series (Protector of the Small), which I quite like. I never could really get into Alanna, but these are different. That's enough for now, don't you think...? I have been led here once again by my brother (Zen) because he has convinced me that I should indeed go to camp this year (after missing...two years now?). It'll be good for me. And I feel bad because I know so many of you and I remember your names and I remember things we said and I remember saying to my self "I will always be there for this person". And I wasn't. And I'm sorry but I am now going to fight my way out of what ever I have gotten myself into and bury myself in you all once again. Do you remember me? Because I remember you. Missing you -Mystical Wake me up in February. Goodness knows, I've been grumbling enough about my Safeway job, so you patient people deserve to know that I finally got a better one. I'm working full time at a locally owned bakery with smart employees, vegan baguettes, and killer chocolate cappacino torte! The manager is a sweetie and she likes me, and I get free bread, not to mention sweets. My self respect has gone way up, and I may eventually have that elusive thing known as "desposable income". I am much happier than I've been in quite a while.
I shouldn't be on the computer right now..... Freaking hell. On the plus side, I might be able to fit all my Edmonton clothes into one suitcase. And if only I had enough time, I would tell each and every one of you just what you mean to me. I think my priorities are majorly screwed up... I should be in bed, asleep, where it is warm, and soft, but I'm not there yet, insted I am on line, talking to dawn, and looking at wiki, and makeing my own copy of the talent show tapes, so I can give them to someone else, to have them cleaned up a bit, then find out who minds haveing there stuff put online, and such...
I should be in bed, so I can get up befor mom goes to work, becuase I need to go with her, and get a floor sander, so I can finish the rest of the new oak floor I put down in our house, while I was nailing it down, my elbow started hurting agine, like it did last time I did stuff like that, I was told it is most likly tendonitise, or something like that, so I am hopeing it will go away agine, if I don't do anything to harsh to it, so I should be fine...
sometimes I wonder if i should keep the dumb things I do, to my self, so people won't worry about me, I have not done anything life threting, or even limb threting, as best as I can remember, I just waped my hand a good one, with a rubber mallet, and made a nice spot on it, and a little pain, when I grab things to hard, like prying the lid off a canning jar... oh well, it's just one of those set backs, like stubing your toe.
I really try to take care of my body, so it will last me another 100 or so year, or how ever long I plan to try to live for...
a week till christmas, and I leave the day after, to get to canada Today is my first day living at James place. Not my first day in his appartment, but my first day knowing that I'm really here... I don't have to leave a day or so from now. There is no "reality" for me to return to, this is it. I am home. Of course, the next few months won't always be like today. Today I have nothing to do. I'm on Christmas holidays already and James is not. But I have a huge mess here in his appartment I have to attempt to organize. (All my belongings are in boxes still.) And I promised him I'd have some nice meal cooked by the time he gets home. Its funny... that thought of me cooking supper while James is off at work.... very domestic and quaint. It seems so funny the thought that I'm actually here, actually here, actually here. James got a Christmas card from a girl at work. She wrote: "James, Merry Christmas. I don't care how commercial it is, you'll take this as a Christmas card and like it. (Not a winter Solstice or St. Nicholas day card, a Christmas Card.) I hope you and Christy here have a good Christmas and a happy new year." And James laughed when he saw it, because he knows I'm getting rather like that... Christmas is secular to me, and I wish that it could be secular enough that it could be a common holiday, rather than one where I feel bad worrying if someone will take offense to me saying Merry Christmas to someone. But then again its a silly holiday anyway. I wish I had money enough to buy Christmas decorations for this appartment James and I are sharing now. - Christy cuz when i look around i think this is good enough and i try to laugh at whatever life brings cuz when i look down i just miss all the good stuff and when i look up i just trip over things --ani via rosemary I wrote a story. TheAlbino Lonely lonely lonely. I think I'd feel lonelier with people around me. Today I felt self-sufficient and trusted myself for the first time in a while. ASL class is almost over, which I am a little sad about cause it's an awesome class, but at the same time I am very tired of getting up at 7am four days a week. I can play Blackbird on the guitar. I am lonely. I am fatalistic and love life. I heard a recording of this great European singer this morning, Titiyo, who I want to hear more of. Hoo baby, Robyn Lorraine Hauck is finished with her first term at school! Yee-haw! I'm alone. I cry as if that's how to breathe.
tomorrow. i meet with a counsellor. (which is just the word i use because "therapist" sounds too extreme)why me? just another spoiled middle class little suburbian white girl who thinks she's got problems. yeah right. i've been trying to get help for months, and now that it's happening, i don't want it anymore. cold feet? probably. my scars disappeared yesterday. i've never laughed so much as i have tonight. my life is forging ahead and leaving flower petals in it's wake. and i am going to see a therapist? but my journal tells me otherwise. it keeps reminding me of days that i couldn't breathe, nights that i couldn't dream, but when i couldn't write thennn i knew i needed help to change. so i've got to hold on even though i don't believe that i'm hanging over a cliff. i look down and all i see is the splash i would make, the beautiful splash i would make, if i fell. water doesn't look that hard from above. but my mp3 collection is growing, i'm preparing a shell in the pattern that i want, my jaw is expanding according to plan, and i WILL write that research paper tomorrow. yeah. because cliff's erode, ocean's grow cold, and my rhymes get old.
beleved me when i said i loved you i ment it i love you even when your depressed and won't tell me whats happeing i love you even when you can't remember my name or why i still care i love you even when you hate yourself and are crying fact is i love you no matter what you do fact is i wish i could paint poetry to show you how much i really care but your wellbeing, your soul and frendship. but the fact is my words seem to be most powerful when all i say is "i care" i wish tonight i could hold you like ive never held you before. i hope you never forget that i still care It should be illegal for a boy to be that totally and 150 percentedly handsome. And talented at something I'm not that good at. And too old for me. The viable options are to kill him, say hello, or forget about him. Killing people just because they're offensively good-looking is probably wrong, saying hello would just be too painful because it would be stupid, obvious and embarassing (and I will probably never see him again anyway) and I'll probably forget about him in a couple of days anyway, so I might as well start now. But damn...! Please let me never become my mother. Her anger and frustration sits and boils under the surface. I need to practise being angry with people -Dawn I'm sorry. I suppose there is nothing else I can say. I'm sorry that I'm fucked up and that I can't deal with things exactly the way you'd like me to. I'm sorry. I really am. When I am happy, I don't need to sit here on the internet...it's when I'm sad, when I feel crushed inside, that I need to sit down and write. And this is the community that I've felt the most comfortable with, having full confidence that I am welcome, that if I need help, I will receive it, or if someone needs help, I can offer it. For over a year now, this is the thing that's kept me sane. But hearing that I needed to just get over it, that I'm dealing with things the wrong way.... I'm sitting here in the public library crying...and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But what I do know is that since I can't post the things I want to post without hitting opposition, without feeling worse than I did....I choose to not post any longer, on here or livejournal. Sorry to whoever thinks I'm all wrong. I'm... Forget it. Sorry. I'm just sorry. ~Jasmine
So very nicely fuck the world My head hurts, the universe is a lie. My shoulders naturally bind up in tension now, its an effort to breath properly. This is fucking shit. I'm going back to blinking Turkey. I miss the open road, listenign to a mix tape from traveling and suddenly i'm back in the interior of Croatia. I was alone, do you understand? Utterly totally alone -Dawn The late bus home, after work. Why is it always on the bus? Long shift, good book, I'm tired. Just loud enough to hear "Hey, what'cha readin'? . . . Hey leatherjacket..." I am not the only one in leather. Not the only one reading. "Hey, is that book good? Hey . . . /dyke/ what'cha readin'?" And it's too late. Too late to engage in conversation, too late for it not to be me they're talking at. Too late for this power word, this /Dyke/ flipword of threat and joy to be a word to keep me safe right now. Too late, dark, isolated to respond with venom. I have been standing at a cash register, smiling and wearing a nametag. I don't want them to notice what bus number I ride home to my lover on this December night. --Tessa Sometimes I wonder what's the point in all of this caring. I spent too many months stacked 'til i felt like i was going to break loving you like i'd never loved before, months when you thought nobody loved you and everyone loved me... i spent hours on the telephone with consoling tones, spending money I didn't have, crying tears i couldn't afford to lose afterwards and now, i'm watching your all so rad page grow and grow, i'm listening to the people that always said you weren't good enough for me, regale me in your qualities and god damn if it doesn't hurt more than of you know..... but i'm not allowed to talk about how much it hurts to not have people express anything for me, everytime i do, i lose someone else, telling me that i'm always pulling them down with my depression....well fuck you too, because i'm trying the only way i know how, what else do you expect me to do? i'm sick of caring about it but i can't change. i posted long and hard on livejournal, i talked about losing my virginity and finding out that through my neglect, my sister and brother have been molested repeatedly, i'm no longer on a speaking basis with anyone on my dad's side of the family and i feel like mitch is the only strong hold i've got and fine, i suppose i'm selfish, go ahead and hate me all i want is for the people i care about... to miss me.
-ali
I'd be liying if I told you I was anything less then scaired. Apperently I am going to the learning disablety school hear in Edmonton starting Jan. 7th every day for 2 hours. I'd be lieing if I told you I was happy about this news. I'll still have company here and godamn I'm so fuckin scaired I can't deside to scream, cry or hack myself appart. I'd be liying if I told you that I'd frown the first day but I swear I'll have tears staining my eyes on my way home. I'd be liying if I told you that I'm anything less then scaired outta my fuckin mind of loosing you guys. The truth is I don't really want to go because it's forcing me the fear of loosing you all forever. I'd be liying if I told you that I'm not crying right now because I am. I'd me lyeing if I told you the reasons for me captlising my I's right now. The truth is I don't know. the truth is I'm still scaired I'd be lieing if I told you the truth
because every tear I cry is a lie right now I woke up this morning to you curled around me, face nestled into the hot triangle of neck to shoulder and you slept through my revelling but i always wonder just why i'm in bed with you and why it doesn't feel deserved...because last night over dinner you told me about her some more and it was this strange sick feeling of thinking but i love her and i hate her 'cuz she hurt you but she didn't want to and i locked in deep and kept quiet...kept my eyes shiny and you kept talking. and every once in a while when that inside pain gets a little bit too angry and inflamed, my finger nails find some bit of hidden flesh, the back of my neck where my faded green hair hides any marks, my palms that don't show anyway.... and you are instantly at my throat with your hands coiled around my wrists 'til it hurts but you always ask me to stop just for you.... and i always told you i would do anything for you. and soon, i'm going to take you home with me and god damn, if that isn't a good feeling. your mommy and daddy can't hit and hurt you when i've taken you away... we won't mention my own parents, this is supposed to be optimistic. and you were there when i sat down hard on the kitchen floor, right arm shaking, hearing those whispered phrases eminating from my mother's voice on the west coast... "he forced her to give him blow jobs".... and "she hurt, he used 3 or 4 fingers sometimes..." and realizing that all those times in the past two years when i was gone and my cousin was over, their forts weren't innocent little hide outs but covert molestation operations and my 9 year old sister that i can't stand to be in the same room with me was violated regularly...and yah, you were there when i hung up and i started rambling and i tried to place the guilt on me but you managed to practically dispel it... i ran away from you in wal mart because i was crying again and i didn't want you to see those tears and ask why they were there, so you bought a birthday card for that boy we love and i stood behind the rack of little girl pink slippers 'til you had checked out and begun looking for me...
it's damn crazy, the way we are, with every other issue a test for you, you say and all i think i'm doing is handing you capsules of pain that you swallow like you're addicted (but maybe you are?) and then tell me that i'm good for you...
it's damn crazy, but i'm going to take you home with me and slowly, everything that has fucked you up back here will fade away... i can't stand your parents either but i know what they've done and i know how relieved you are now that you aren't completely alone ~Jasmine, wondering if she writes too much when she writes on here. ugh.
if you ever find out why i love the unknowen so much call me ok? i had a splended birfday and im good and tired now. you people are amazing you truely are somedays the reason why i wake up in the morning why do i let myself get so tired??? and i didn't do any of the interesting productive inspiring things i thought of doing tonight... i stayed on IRC. just like i knew i would. it wasn't bad... i had some good conversations. but. tomorrow i'm getting together with my friend christyn, who i've known since birth and who has been in china for the past three months. we're doing lunch. how odd and grownupish. i'm also taking a sign language quiz i haven't studied for and driving with my mom and looking at guitars with my dad and having dinner with my grandparents. oh yes i do love days off. i miss you. yeah, you, the one over there... the one i haven't really talked to in over a month now. yes, you! can you tell me why? i wish i knew why. why anything. i'm not worried about anything now. How can i be furiouse for people for how they are? My life is on the verge of toppling into disaster or into release, i cant anticipate either one too much. A month tonight New Years will be ending, and i will be a totally different human bean no matter how it goes. that is a humbling feeling. I've missed change. someone kick me in the ass 4 months from now because i said that. -Dawn Where are you now? I wanted to touch you wanted to hold you wanted to be you when you said I was crazy. I was shivering and lost stuck in the forever of "Now," where no one would ever see me trapped in your arms or holding on to you like you were the only thing keeping me from flying away. My hand curled around your chin my face twisted and pressed against your chest, listening to you breath. All I ever wanted to say to you rose to my lips & i snarled wordlessly instead. You are every person I have ever wanted to hold, to kiss, to comfort, every person I wanted to be wanted to fall in love with, who wouldn't let me. You are one specific person, and you are a million people; I will never tell. I'll never tell. I find it so amazing how everyone has such different areas of expertise and passion, and how much we can all learn from eachother when we just talk. I mean, I've always known you know about computers, and you know about ceramics, and you know about bicycles and you know about building stuff and you know about politics... but I never stop to ask you to explain it to me. I have had the most amazing evening and learned more than I have in the past couple months, simply because I asked questions when I was confused and a friend was willing to sit there and talk about what they love. You are all so, so amazing... and I vow never to take you for granted! its my birthday tomorow and you know what i want more then anything?????? i want you to smile and me to forgive myself. i want you to write me so you can understand that i've walked your footsteps before. but most of all i want you all to put down your lighters, knifes and toilet flushes rase a hand and remember youve done good. thats what i want now if only i could get it. For the first time in 2 years, my reason for not seeing if 23 painkillers was enough to do permanent damage was not you. That hurt worse than thinking about it in the first place. Wanna know my reason for not? Because I want to die by falling. How pathetic is that?? I couldn't do it because I already have plans for my suicide. That's almost laughable. For about the past 2 weeks I've only been eating what I need to eat to keep functioning fairly normally. Nothing more. It's starting to catch up with me. My short term memory is failing quick. I almost always forget what I walked into the room to get. I think it has something to do with not eating enough. And my body is starting to give out. But I don't really feel any motivation to start eating more. And on top of that, I think I'm beginning to lose my battle against cutting. To the point where at work tonight I had the knife against my skin and barely put it down in time. If it hadn't been so dull I'd have a cut there. As it is right now, I've got a scratch on my right wrist from last night, when I was trying my hardest to make it bleed with my fingernails. And my left arm has a few red marks and a bruise from where I was digging my fingernails into my arm earlier today. I've been keeping my fingernails trimmed since a couple months before camp, for that very reason, but they've grown a little now, and I'm tired of cutting them. I always did like them long. I'd sign my name, but wiki's very much too public for that.
guess who i miss? rosemary! waaaa. me is sad.
Hey everybody! I haven't been on wiki much (although I have been writing a lot of fat letters I had this dream the other night that I was standing around with a bunch of people listening to Adrian play his fiddle. Gradually I realized he was only putting a few inches of his bow on the strings. I went over and asked him about it, and he showed me his bow. The part he was using was wrapped around with sandpaper. I asked him why he was using sandpaper and he explained that he played so much that the horsehair on his bow would get all ripped up unless he covered it with something. (Don't ask me why I dreamed that...) I can't think of anything else to say. (Except I love Roya's writing!! And happy birthday! "youve lost weight" is all he said standing in the door weight. Not "welcome home" or "hi" or "its good to see you again", not even "you look good". Just "you've lost weight". Like i might be able to find it again one day if i look hard enough. -Dawn "how do you think i should of ended our marrige heather? i wanted out" -dad "well dad i think there might be a better way then sleeping with the nabber and then moving her in a month after i left"-me "well what do you think i was going to do sit on the farm lonly?"-dad "dad i dont hate tanya it just sucks that she got my spot"-me "tuff"-dad that was about how my afternoon went. i felt like a doggy running after her tail. i hate my father yet i can't help but love him still "she's a local girl with local scars" and i miss her. the way i miss standing and thinking i could do anything i miss her hair falling on her shoulders and the way she smiled and i miss thinking i could say anything and she'd understand because now i have to be afraid that she'll laugh and turn away. i remember when i KNEW and now i have to guess, tell myself she still remembers tell myself she still cares try and make myself belive it -Franny I did find a wonderous reason to smile like a fool today, and believe me I could barely wipe that grin off my face... I'm wishing I could do loads of things at once but then I notice for the first time that the status bar says "tranquility..." I'm re-reading Harry Potter as I emerge slowly from the Flu, like a fuzzy caterpillar practicing for spring... or not. And but of course, you are missed. Yeah, you...
last night i took a bubble bath. turned off all the lights and lit candles. listened to a new joni mitchell cd. bliss. rained. i stayed up for all 24 hours of my birthday. it was one of the most perfect days i'd ever had. starting and ending with a loving voice on the other end of the phone line. and i never felt alone. for twentyfour hours you're wishing me well.. drinking bubbly applecider and keeping warm. yogi tea reminds me of camp. had my first driving lesson today in the rain. like a little kid splashing in puddles, my feet are bigger now. looking at wiki, and again refreshed by the pervasive eloquence. remembering all that is right in the world. Dad is here in an hour and a half. I try to not pretend that i am prearing for battle, layers of music, power, responding to list posts with power and articulation. I gauge how powerful i am. Strange, it's no longer a question of trying to be more powerful, i dont want to blow other people away. I havent seen this man who helped give me life in 13 months. That was 15 countries ago, 35'000 km, 3 pairs of shoes, 14 notebooks, 18 rolls of film, and 3 lovers ago. Wow "im not scared" I tell myself. Im just, apprehensive, and even, excited. -Dawn This is running through my head: I am the little girl who stayed at home stayed at home stayed at home stayed at home. But I am not a girl anymore, even if I feel like one. Little girls who get to stay home are busier being than me. I am the woman who stayed at home and when it's silent, sense runs through my head. When it's too busy I just...There's something something something and it's hugging and having to hug you again because I can't feel the hugs. So, this is what it's like when your in a busy house with the A Cough and nothing to be busy about. Everyone leaves and I come up here and write and and and. I want to talk to Marina and when we're done, I want to feel satisfied. I want to see her happy. I want to explore Fort Warden all day. I want my love to look in the mirror and think: beauty. I want to be on the beach again with Marisa and my love. I want to listen to her music. Her violin. Her ideas. While I'm at it, heck, I want to spend the day in the kitchen with her Grandmother. I want a camera for my thoughts that are just the way I see things and you. Who are you? Don't try to explain, just /be/ who you are. & If you do one thing today, find a reason to smile like a fool. P.S. Dammit Ben, I miss you. P.S.S. Here's what I think when you mention the people I care about right now: I want them here, I want to know how they are really &&&
There's a crumpled piece of paper in my pocket with the names of all the people I want to write to and send pretty things.
The End.
but what if i don't wannnnna!?i can tell today is gunna be one fuck of a day. im seeing my father for the first time in 7 or 8 months. im seeing the bastered that made me into this world yet has made me also want to die. i dont want to see him because im getting tired of telling him what he wants to hear.. well fuck that im gunna tell him zactly what i think this time. i have thomas's birthday present all ready to go i wounder if i'll actualy have the balls to send it. i'm fucking tired of living this life. i'm fucking tired of not being tuff enough ot call you when i really should. maybe then i wouldnt of cryed myself to sleep last night. i hope your going to stay up late tonight because when i come home from seeing my father i'm going to need somone to cry with. i feel like i'm going to be sick. sick because i want to see him because this time it's going to be different. this time i will tell him who i REALLY am. i'm cold and i need a hug. somone tell me i can do this
how can we do this? today i held this sharp knife (probably the sharpest in our house) next to my skin, a mark i made over 6 months ago, one of the last ones i did before i stopped. i scraped a line, but i forgot how much pressure it takes, & how much you have to want it, with the dull equiment in our house. i ended up not doing it. yay for me. right. didn't write, didn't draw, didn't write any emails & didn't drive. i did dance though. i danced until i was panting. my one accomplishment. yay for me. i'm tired. how did i get so tired? i want for someone to look me in the eyes & tell me i'm beautiful...no strings attached. yeah, right. that'll happen. i freaking miss you. i miss the sensation of being in love. of not being able to look at pictures that show your eyes because my stomache would start doing wild flips & i'd have to lie down to calm it. so much for you. --kat I should have been in bed three hours ago. I like being this tired. It's really easy to be radically honest and not care about being pathetic or accusitory. I'm lonely. I don't think I could accept love right now. It'd be really hard to trust someone that much. I will not get close enough to need anyone right now. It'd destroy me... pull me totally off balance. I can't even imagine myself letting go of my emotions or ever really admiting to needing anyone. I wish this denial thing would just... stop working so well. Did I ever know what to do? I forget... That scares me. Everything scares me. Does anyone have any clue what to do...? If so, I could really really use a little help right now... No. More than a little help. I am actually asking for help, and good god it's going to be a battle to leave this up. But I need to get out of this. I have the tightest grasp on all my emotions, I'm trying as hard as I can to constrain them and I will strangle if I have to, and something needs to give, and I don't know what to do or how to do it. So if there is anyone... who knows what I'm talking about or anything... I could really use help. i tried to hold my breath to get high or die tonight mommy, mommy you wanted to sing me to sleep tonight but i wanted to talk to a boy instead. because mommy, these scars on my arm? they're not from him. and remembering your old songs makes them bleed again. life is about all i can handle lately. tom waits songs fill empty gaps. i'll pretend you wrote them and i'll fall asleep with a boy's lullabye's in my ears. i'm sorry mommy. all this fish wants for her birthday is a bicycle. You could tell that she wasnt really smiling when she wrote THAT
poem. Reach out, take my hand, I'll carry you a while. I feel so strong and able that i can carry you up amy mountain you choose, just point it out to me. love -Dawn Sometimes she crys and doesn't know why and she's talking to people tonight and telling them she's fine. And tonight it really is true. The blue is all on her tongue. But sometimes she pretends and she wonders if anyone notices and if they did if they'd care. She wants to write down all the detailed memories of the time sunlight fell through pine trees and she thought "i'm home" but she worries that she'll bore people. She promised herself last week that she was going to live for no one but herself and dream for no one but herself. And already she's thinking about what you think about her. Already she goes to bed and thinks about the people she misses so much. She thinks of Luisiana and Cakifornia and Minnesota and Montana and Oregon and Canada. She doens't cry. She smiles for you. And wishes you knew it. franny Closing time, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here... Don't know who I want to take me home. Betrayal follows everywhere, like wolves. People say they see you, say they'll fix, help, you, and as you know I never turn anyone down. But they, too, shall pass from us, like lovely visions in the night. Once again you are left, cold in the snow, wishing for light. But I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself so I'm going to sleep because tomorrow...is a promise. The only one I've ever kept. I never meant to hurt anyone but myself. And I always get what I want. I use buisiness as my devil these days. My excuse for what I haven't yet done. In the midst of trying to get enough hours at work to pay rent, applying for jobs, getting my "career" options figured out, what loses out is email, letters, calls, my dear dear friends, my mother, my sweetheart, and myself. If you asked me how I was honestly doing today, deep down, I probably couldn't tell you. My focus has shifted, and the loss feels large.
I am so flutteringly high right now. No, no, not high like that, high off of my AllSoRad page!!! Good GOD but I love people. Right now I feel like telling soooo many people how much I absolutely adore them and how incredible and sweet and magnificent and loving they are. Hmm, I think I'd better go do that. ~The high and giddy Becky~ Check in. How are you tonight? Tonight is actually okay. You should ask about this week in general, or earlier today. Today I was opening a box with a box cutter, and I just went into a trance. The one thing that got me to put it away having cut only the box was knowing that I'd show you the scar next time I saw you if I didn't. But I just shut down while I had it out. It was the only thing I though about or saw, from the moment I got it out until I put it away. But that was a battle won, and I remain with no outside scars from any lost battles. Every day is a battle. Everything sharp is a battle. Eating enough is a battle. I don't eat enough to keep my body running well most days. No visable scars yet, sure. But what about the ones you can't see?
I feel like a burden. they'd throw parties if I weren't here. and drink til the sun comes up. but we can't even see the sun. but no. they don't want to be "bad influences." PLEASE get the fuck over yourself, guys! I think I'm old enough to make the right decsicions for myself... especially when it comes to drinking...! I've had too many bad experiences with it already. don't be scared, your baby is growing up...
Will my life ever get focus in it? Im ready to move out of this dark quiet resting place now universe, i want a new challenge a new goal, something inthralling to carry me on. -Dawn I'm eating a quesadilla. Drinking chacolet milk. And I'm in love. Victor is doing good. NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 1 times, last edited on January 17, 2002 by 63.175.56.58. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
