Also see: Perhaps we have a place for this on wiki already? If so, I haven't seen it, so I'll just start this up for now. I did a "Not Neccessarily Straight" group at the 1st sessions of 3rd & 4th year, & thought it would be slinkster to have an on-line forum. What is LavenderParlor? LavenderParlor is your place for discussion of the bisexual, transgendered, gay, lesbian, questioning, intersexed, (have I forgotten any? we keep adding more) and cetera, and this queer old world of ours in general. (By the way, I'm going to be using "queer" instead of the whole long GBLTQI because I think it's more all-encompassing and is easier to say.) I'd like to keep it on queer issues, cuz we have a lot of pages for general sexuality already. Important: anybody is welcome to write here no matter what their sexual orientation or gender orientation, but please be sensitive. Also, I notice in some of the queer groups & gatherings I've been at that there's a tendency to form a little "we're so out & comfortable with our sexuality" clique, which is a lot of fun (if I'm in on it) but is very off-putting to people new on the scene. Maybe you can strike a balance. If you're curious you're welcome to ask questions but do so respectfully. Please don't feel like you need to slot yourself into a label on here, unless you want to. You're not required to give the topographics of your sexuality to post. You can write anonymously if you want but keep in mind that there's that pesky "Most recent user" number at the bottom of the page. If you think being queer is wrong or immoral in some way, click the "back" button on your browser and express your opinion elsewhere, please. love to all, ~Rosie Okay, I'll just put down a couple questions to get things started...(please feel obligated to add more!) These are kind of general, maybe they're sort of stupid, but here's a go... What are your thoughts on labels? Do they make you feel like a proud member of a group or boxed and judged, or something else? Do tell!
Well... it kind of gives me a thrill to be labled as bisexual sometimes. Here I am, queer as a three doller bill, and you didn't know it! And sometimes it embarasses me to use the term about myself Labels to me are a strange thing; Trying to put absolutes on a fuzzy, fuzzy world; putting blinders on, perhaps, if only to get the world that's spinning madly out of grasp in some perspective. But at some point, perhaps the blinders should be taken off, to see the world in it's dazzling glory. Or not. I nave no idea really. I, myself, try to make any label I take on a quiet one, not hard to peel off, scribble out and re-write. Here's my collection, in glorious scratch-n'-sniff for your enjoyment: * Bisexual * Guy * Questioning And recently peeled off for examination? * Male * Straight It's a weird world.  
Lables are hard... I switch back and forth between referring to myself as bisexual and queer... but i'm always trying to figure out which one feels more right to me. A part of me doesn't like the box that calling myself "bisexual" entails. I feel like I have to go out with an equal amount of girls as guys, etc... Verses being Queer is just being. I use the term "bisexual" because it's easier for people to understand than "queer." It has a little box in our mental Who-Are-You forms. But at the same time, that's really stupid and i'd prefer to call mmyself Queer and let them deal with their not quite understanding. My sexuality isn't up for review. -Jenla well I identify as a bisexual lesbian because I feel so much more gay then straight. however I never seem to be able to find any girls so....Im more bi. however I dont like being defined as bi because I have been drawn into the stereotypes about bi people being wishy washy and not quite sure (which is exactally what I am but not what bi people are) I also like to rebel and being queer seams like a good way however I dont think that I am doing it all on perpose so then its not really rebeling, its just me. I also tend to fuck people over in my quest for sexual identity and then it makes me all the more confused. I alwasy end up with the boys (regardless of what I am looking for) however I dont generally mind. I do have a great many issues with boys but no serious ones with the boys I have fooled around with. I wish I could just know what I wanted to be and not......be wishy washy. ~Malia(Laurel) *is confused* [1] I was walking around the first full day of camp, taking in all of the eye candy and inhaling the whole unschooler atmosphere.... being all lustful and going "wow, he's cute... (next person) wow, he's cute.... (next person) wow, he's cute.... (next person)....Wow, she's cute.." and I caught myself and I thought what the hell!? What did I just say? And I looked again and I'll be damned if I didn't still think she was cute and then OOPS, a few months later, it was me and a girl in bed and damn. She was a better kisser than the first boy. And so now I label myself bisexual... I tried to tell my parents this and they said it was just a phase... the label seems to include me in more camp circles, and i wonder if there aren't a few of them using the labels just for the inclusion....I'm not sure. More later. ~Jasmine How do you handle homophobia/transphobia?
I deal with it mostly by withdrawing at the moment. I give a few attempts
to educate if it's a fear based on misunderstanding, but if someone's
actively phobic, I tend to just shut off and go elsewhere at the moment.
for all it pervades the world, I never really had to deal with it until this summer, I lost my volunteer job because of it (lots of nasty depressing details), but I don't think I handled it at all. not badly, not well, I just didn't, and I don't know how I feel about that. -Miranda I feel almost guilty that i haven't encountered much homophobia in my life so far. And I've been sheltered enough that the little homophobia i have encountered was from ex-friends and wasn't directed at me. -Jen it's really hard dealing with homophobia, cuz people who are homophobic don't see that there's anything wrong with that. i hate it when my coworkers call guys fags. i even came out to them (which was kinda risky, maybe i shouldn't have...) and they were cool with that. but they said "what faggots do is NASTY! what 'mannies' do is hot. i wanna get in on some of that!" hell...these are people who don't see anything wrong with saying "i just don't like black people" and calling people niggers. i really don't know what to do, except set the example of being tolerent, accepting, and respectful. and unashamed of myself. jenny Mitchell adds his two straight-guy cents I encounter homophobia once in a bright blue moon, and I'm never sure what to do about it. Today, for example, I ran into this 60ish guy on the street, and I sort of got dragged into a conversation with him that started with comments about the weather and eventually turned to the subject of gay folks. He, unfortunately, was burningly homophobic. I was angry, but a little too scared to argue with him, which bothers me now, even though I don't know what I could have said. It seems like arguing with someone like that would have been kind of like trying to stop a river. I'm still not completely comfortable with my lack of a response, though. Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like that?
"It is easy in the world to live after the worlds opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude" ~Jasmine S. Are you afraid of not being masculine or feminine enough? OR, do you feel like you have to be butch or queenish to be genuinely queer? Um... I used to feel I had to be butch. No more, but I think the image has stuck with me. And yeah, I worry all the time about being too masculine or too feminine and where the heck do I draw the line? Then I sigh and go with what feels least offensive in the environment I'm in at the moment. -Samantha Not afraid; for me, that's the wrong word. I don't identify with much, if anything that feels that masculine. I'm not super effeminate, but I'm generally soft-spoken. However, that's just me. It's who I am. How do you feel about yourself as a queer person?
I like liking girls, but sometimes I feel like... a guy. I mean, I hate it when men stare at my chest, see me as a sex object, etc. When I stare at a fine-looking girl, say, across the street, I see them as less of a person and more of "wow, I wanna get my some of that!" Of course, then I realize what I'm doing and I don't like myself for a couple of minutes. I like being bisexual, but I don't like feeling like a predator. -Samantha I'm sticking this in here. I don't want to write at the top. Or the bottom. And I'm not even sure what I want to write but I guess I'll just dive in. I realized i was bi in the power shuffle of camp 2000 (my first year). i'd never even really considered it before because i didn't really know anything about it. but the questions were asked. "do you consider yourself straight?" I crossed. "do you consider yourself bisexual?" I crossed again but without realizing it. i found myself standing there. among strangers. in the dark with tears pouring down my cheeks and i was scared. that was when i realized. the whole next day i walked around as if in a dream and then something inside me totally accepted who i had become in what felt like a couple of days even though it had probably been like that for a while. and then there was absolute calm and peacfulness. not long ago i got my first "real" crush on a girl. i was scared again. but then i got over it. now i'm very comfortable with being bi but i still haven't told my family. i'm okay with telling camp friends and i'm working on telling other people. i have a feeling it might take a while. because i'm not going to sign my name. A tad I completely relate to what Samantha said. When i'm attracted to girls i feel inappropriately "guy"ish. Like i have to watch myself and make sure i'm not sexually objectifying girls... I don't know. It's amazing how much you realize at this point how society's roles have sunk in. Suddenly you don't only have to deal with [messing with] your role as a female but in being attracted to women also your role as a "male." It's really weird. Heh. -Jen Fabulous! i really agree with samantha and jennyrose. i hate the feeling that i'm objectifying someone the way i HATE guys objectifying me. especially since girls don't EXPECT it from women...they don't feel as comfortable around me after they find out i'm bi, and i don't like checking out strangers just cuz i know they prolly won't return the feelings. why these sentiments don't seem to bother men i don't know. also, it's weird: everyone assumes if you're gay or bi, you must be *into them*. they take it really personally. like, "are you checking me out?" is it ego or what? jenny
Have you read any good books which are queer themed? Prozac Highway by Persimmon Blackbridge and anything by Jane Rule. Miranda sez ya should read... Fried Green Tomatoes totaly glossed over and watered down in the movie, you have to actually Read it folks! The Picture Of Dorian Gray I first read it right after seeing a Really brilliant student production of Gross Indecency... *sobbbb* Laurie R. King's Kate Martinelli series - I like To Play The Fool best but read them in order. I can't remember if it's important to read them in order, but it usually is eh. ooooh, books!!! *evil grin* off the top of my head...some kewl queerish books are:
ummm there's tons more but i forget right now...check out the library during gay history month, there are often neat books on display love jenny There's a good book I read a while back that Jennyrose recommended to me... dammit why can't I think of the name?... Ahh! Nancy Garden's "Annie on my Mind". Good read, it is. ~Eire yesyesyes! Any books by Michelle Tea are excellent. I just got done reading Valencia and it's wonderful. She writes nonfiction in a wonderfully confrontational and real way. Valencia is about being a young punky lesbian in San Francisco, and her first book [lord i cant remember the name right this second...] is about her finding her queerness and growing up. Rad amazing books. -Jen The Dyke and the Dybbuk by Ellen Galford. It's about a Jewish lesbian film critic/taxi driver and a demon who's theoretically supposed to haunt her. (Ancient grudge, old curse, long story.) A great book, but probably hard to find, as it was published by a relatively small Seattle publishing house. Girl Goddess #9, by francesca lia block, has a story in it called "Dragons in Manhattan," which is about a girl named Tuck with lesbian parents, who goes looking for her dad. It's got a plot-twist type of ending, which makes it really interesting. Good story. -jekissa If you are trans, how much acceptance do you see in the queer community? For me, it's a very scary place to be. I see a lot of phobias, a lot of
preconceived notions as to exactly what gender means, and it's an easy place
to be rejected. None of the labels fit If you are bisexual, do you feel pressure to "choose" between straight and gay? Not really. Most people I know either think it's "cool" or that I'm just saying I'm bi to be trendy. But no one has ever made me try to pick between the two genders. -Samantha I dont feel pressure to choose from others I feel pressure to choose from myself. I do feel like I am "sitting on the fence" (however whats wrong with that, you generally have a better view) I am not willing to shoose guys though. like just out of my own shit and stereotypes and views of myself etc, I just cant say I am straight. I have a hard time saying I had a boyfriend. thats kinda wierd dont know whats up with that. I am the kind of person who, when in a relationship with a woman would say I am a lesbian but when I am in a "relationship" with a man say I am bi. I also dont 'date' boys. I think that as soon as you get into the whole relationship side of it it gets wierd.....yeah....I am very not sure about all this. ~Malia(Laurel) "i don't trust bisexuals." my least favorite line EVER. it's like all these people who are struggling so hard to be accepted can't make the slightest effort to be accepting in return. on the other hand...sometimes i feel guilty...like, all these gay people don't have a choice. they have to have sex with the same gender, or no sex at all. i don't. on the other hand, as long as i can, especially as a bisexual female, it seems completely unnatural to deny love and affection simply because some people say it's wrong. it's so hard to find anyone i feel that way about. why should i have to cut those numbers by fifty percent? but if i was a guy...i prolly would...would i have the courage to be in love with a girl if it put my life in danger? i just wish it wasn't an issue for anyone. jenny
Do you think your sexuality affects how you live the rest of your life and/or how you perceive yourself? Now that I've fully accepted and am learning to explore my sexuality I feel a lot more comfortable about who I am. I don't feel anymore that my existence is wrong. And I don't feel that I have to explain myself or my feelings (or urges for that matter) to anyone who means me any harm. One day, I realised i wasn't only attracted to men, and it was such a relief, to acknowledge that to myself. If you're a queer of color, do you feel pressure to "choose" between the queer community/identity and your culture/cultural identity? what sexual identities are you coming to terms with or seeing in yourself right now? It's very odd...and I probably wouldnt've acknowledged this if I hadn't had so many gay/bi friends come out recently - I just find myself looking at everyone with eyes for attraction. And I swing between thinking it strange and thinking it absolutely wonderful. I cannot envision myself actually with a girl, yet I find girls bodies so much more appealing...I've kissed a girl once, and we were both doing it for the attention of a few guys. I'm hoping to someday expand on the experience and really figure out if I'm bi, or just enjoying the fantasy of it. ~Maggie If yr GLB, does being queer affect your view of yourself as a woman or a man? see what I wrote on BodyImage for a comment on this. Rosie, good idea for a page! Yes. Around girls, I feel too oxlike and masculine... like I'm less of a woman than they are. Of course, if they're pretty enough, I don't mind. ;-) Plus, it can be fun to "play the guy". -Samantha I often try to be more masculine around femme/straight/girly girls. I think it makes me feel more queer. (I have realized in tyoing all these things tonight, that my views are really FUCKED up.hmmm) however when I am around other butch people I dont feel the need to act that way. sometimes I go really femme myself and wear pretty skirts and stuff. that is all good for me until I see a hot girl. then I am afraid that she will think that I am just your average straight chick and maybe she isnt and then I missed my chance. but that never stops me from wearing cute skirts. I think that as a whole I am generally comfortable with my masulinity and femininity but sometimes.....~Malia(Laurel) Around women I feel like a graceless donkey who's blind and teetering on the edge of a cliff. Around men I either feel sexless or considered a toy. The view I hold of myself, is that I can be a lovely woman if I wish, or I could be a dapper gentlemen. Practicly all of my parents friends want me to act like a lady, 'because that's what you're supposed to be'. Argh! Don't put me in a box! If you had a fairy godfather (or godmother) what would he/she look like? ;) um, i suspect that i met her. she's older, experienced, with short hair and comfortable clothing. she is androgynous. her face glows. she is very loving and nurturing and competent and strong. and the most messed up thing is that i met her for like 2 minutes, didn't really talk very much...it was one of those random encounters that you realize was life-changing after it's over and it's too late to go back and say, hey, who are you, do you have any more advice? but she pulled me through something that was very difficult to cope with, not because it was very important, but because it was a miniature representation of many things that were important. she showed me the way and came from this inner peace that was like a lifeline leading me a little closer to shore. jenny
[1] Malia/Laurel: there's a queer youth group I go to in SantaRosa (yr town, I think?) if you're interested...they meet once a week. maybe you know about it already. Anyway, if you are interested, send me an e-mail at rosemary at nbtsc.org & I'll give you the number & info. NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 45 times, last edited on January 7, 2002 by aredridel@nbtsc.org. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
