We all need a safe haven to whine sometimes. Go crazy! In drivers ed they have covered all the drugs you shouldn't do while driving. They haven't mentioned school yet. I'll show them when I over dose on it. Ha. I can not take one more fucking hour. -franny THE WORLD IS MY ASHTRAY. I didn't get accepted at Reed. Bring me back to earth, okay? Tell me that going to Reed this year isn't as important as I've built it up to be. That I am smart, and important, even if admissions people don't agree. I got a letter from Reed. Letters from colleges in thin envelopes are never good news, especially not near admittance time. I'm trying to be rational, and realize that hundreds of people applied to Reed this year, and that it's nothing personal. But I am taking it personal. Way way too personal. I wanted to go to Reed SOOOO badly this fall, and now simple as one line in that letter "We regret to inform you". Fuck.FUCK. Fuck.
I'm sick of everything. Nothing is fulfilling anymore and it seems like I owe everybody money. I hate myself, I'm so sick of being myself, and I don't understand why I'm different. I'm fed up, literally. I have been eating constantly all week, and I can't figure out why; I don't usually have a problem with overeating, but recently it seems physically impossible to stop. I feel distant, boring, and unmotivated. I won't sleep. It's way too hot here and when I woke up from a nap earlier my body flipped out and threw my body temperature all out of wack, almost making me hyperventilate. Everything is blurry, everything's so gray. There is nothing to me, just a shell with no substance behind it. There is no point to anything, and I am chasing all the wrong butterflies. But there are COOKIES, so let me go stuff my face and stalk around screaming at myself and punching the air some more. In bad mood. Go the hell away. Wanting to throw pickaxes through two people's faces. Said people are not campers. Said people don't even go to school. Said people don't know a good set of moves when they see them, having only passed 5 people out of about 30 at the session, only 2 of which were moves tests. Wishing I could kick them really hard in the head, or at least slap them in the face to see if they were even awake and watching. Wanting to cry, and not being able to. i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i want i can't have
My life has holes in it. It's only at night that I start to feel human again. Start feeling like I can feel something except blaaaah. I am straining so hard against something. I just wish I knew what it was. Or what I want.
I just blew up at my father. oh god. i'm so so sorry. i am so sorry, you have no idea. none at all. and i can't help it, i've cried to sleep so many times and woken up to do it all over again, and it's all okay, but i can't stop crying, all the time, and anytime, and i'm sorry to ruin your day, i am. oh. all there is is tears, hot and everywhere, and i'm so fucking wet. i wish i could just stop it, stop crying, and be like everyone else, because why am i always in the middle of a crisis? my life is not that bad. it is not. my god, i have a very good life. i could do whatever i want. so why is it that i don't want to do anything, and why is it that this entire thought is just going to be archived and saved, and then printed twenty years from now when i'm famous, like all those job applications i fill out. filed and saved and waiting to be deleted. i'm sorry. i don't want to be a sad presence. i'm so so sorry, and i don't even believe in sorry anymore, because i believe in changing whatever you ruined, and then you don't have to say sorry. oh, my god, why have you forsaken me? i do not want a hug! i want to fight, i want to do something big, anything, i want to kill myself trying to move a mountain. i want to climb a tree, not work behind a counter. is there a doctor in the house? i believe i need some medication. anything. something to make me stay here. i'm not rational. i want to go to india. and all i can do is cry. there must be a drug for that. there must be a drug for that. i will find it, i'll find it and then i'll live like everyone wants me to, and then they'll be happy. oh please. stop feeling sorry, looking at me like that, stop everything and just fucking set me free. thank you. please. damn. no i don't need a hug! I just wrote the longest email, and it took a lot of work too cause I'm really tired, and I took such a long time that when I finally clicked send, stupid SquirrelMail told me I had to log back in and wouldn't let me go back to the email. God damn it! I am utterly furious at those idiots who think that just because I publish something online it means that I'm okay with them copying it onto their webpage. I put a lot of hard work into my webpage and am tired of other's trying to pass my writing off as theirs. I had an utterly delightful time filling out complaint forms to Tripod and Geocities to get the webpages of those who've copied my work pulled off the web. I've done this before, I'll do it again. Don't copy my work. I detest cleaning up other people's crap. Too bad I'm so good at it.
Grrr. This Ad really pisses me off. "I pledge allegiance to the bandera de los Estados Unidos de Amerika und der Republik... We hope not. But it doesn't look good. Because the common language of our country... English... is under attack in our schools, our courts, and by beaurocrats and self-appointed leaders for immigrant groups..." Yadda yadda yadda, and it goes on and on about how everyone should speak English and that the government shouldn't be 'forced' to spend money on having programs in more than one language. What the FUCK? Isn't America supposed to be this "great" place where people of all ethnic backgrounds can live together?? (half of me believes what I'm saying, the other part is saying I'm a moron for buying into that) And all sorts of people PRIDE themselves on living in this country because it's so accepting. Well FUCK THAT! People are going to print ads like this and expect people to buy it? Well screw them! I'm learning Spanish and then refusing to admit that I even KNOW English. Just for that ad. Just To Piss Them Off. GRrrr. I hate people like that.
Oh fuck you and your nobel right to stand there on your fucking nobel high horse and tell me how to live my life, keep myself safe, live my lies and live my truths. Fuck you for having the nerve to TELL ME when to be scared and when to be strong. You live in a different world. This is mine, i do what i need to stay safe. Fuck you. -Dawn Fucking girl. I didn't want to say anything at all, but i did, and expected her to keep it in confidence, and like fucking hell she didn't. All day long stupid ass comments, which i'm sure were just meant as jokes, but did i take them that way? I sure as hell didn't. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I take a risk and get stabbed in the back.
The penguin necklace Roya gave me broke. No one I like talking to is one, and anyways I'm annoyed at myself because the couple people I will always get/stay on IRC for are all guys and that pisses me off about myself. I'm sick. I want to swear and break something. No body loves me. (And don't say you do, because I know you do! I'm not talking about you.) I can't decide what I would rather do, either go around feeling hella grumpy and taking it out on semi-annoying younger brother type people on IRC, or start thinking about the real things I'm upset about and start crying. Neither sounds fun. I really really want to scream at someone. Anyone. And I'm trying hard not to. Is being aware of consequences always such a good thing? It would be nice to be able to look forward to the New Years party, to be able to think "Everything will be alright there." When has anything ever been alright...? I really wish I could scream and break something. Crying just doesn't have the same purging effect. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you... Here's another reason to hurt myself: nothing else around here I can/want to hurt. I know I'll recover. And no I don't fucking want to talk about it. Just stay out of my way for the next day or two, eh? Or maybe year or two. -marina i miss wiki. and irc, and the list. did my standards just get really high, or did all this shit go down the drain? whatever. ~naomi 3:35 pm. In the last 24 hours i worked one 8 hour shift, came home slept for 5 1/2 hours, go up, and went to work for another 8 hours. Im fucking tired. Really really really tied. Id like 4 days off, with no responsabilities other then the make mushy beautiful gifts for people I adore. I cant get into the Christmas spirit this year. I dont mind, i dont want to be. Im not unhappy, just not feeling how i used to feel about christmas. Which actually feels all right. Dawn -- i'm going to school starting on january 7th. i'm trying to not make it sound like a fricken death march but dude.....me? school? what the fucken hell? you don't understand. ME a hippy queer unschooler lifer going to a shcool? i know it's a nice neat different school that can "fit my needs" you don't need to pamper it up for me i'm a big girl now but please....come on...... i dont want a fucken school. think of me january 7th at 8:45am don't make me im scaired
My body is hurting all over. heres why.
Thats about all i can think of or all i want to say on here. thank you. -Carolyn George Harrison is dead. Fuck artistic snobbery. I cannot stand people who put down every piece of poetry, music, or piece of art because they have some stupid elitist view of what constitutes art. Agggh, I cannot even begin to convey how much this drives me up the wall!!!!! I really don't think anyone has the right to say "okay, this is what art is and what it isn't, and what's good music and what's not". Because what I love others don't. Because even something everyone hates, will always appeal to at least an audience of one or two people. So is it not art then, because 99.99% of the population doesn't like it? Sigh.... -eira i'm teething. owie. -our- conversations lately have been that of perfect strangers. not even perfect strangers. flawed strangers. what happened? last night i fell asleep with her arms around me, and now i'm at school without the necessary homework done, without her soft skin protecting me. my teeth hurt. the end. --RoyaBoya just because i never email people back doesn't mean that people shouldn't email me! i had a good week last week, and this week hasn't been particularily bad..but i feel fucked up with life in general. my mom is stressed, and it's making me feel stressed, and our van turned out to be totaled in the accident that happened two weeks ago...and now we have to buy a new vehicle, which we should have had money for, but don't because of my fucking dad who is making our dividend checks late, and maybe not come at all...leaving my family in a fucked over position. and my step-dad who is soon to be my ex-stepdad, isn't moving out, and now it's becoming even more stressful....and shit everything just seems to pile up right now. FUCK! FUCK! and now i'm saying fuck all the time, and i hate it and i'm just feeling fucked over, and in HUGE need of a real hug, and deep conversation with someone, and i wish people lived closer to me, but they don't, and i can't travel out of state....and ARRRRR... ~Jadzia I have eaten constantly all day and this hasn't help the stomach ache i've had for the last THREE days i feel fat and bloated and the dishes are stacking up on the counter. I'm completely useless. I remind myself of a weak little pussball whining about nothing but her own little weak pussballness. I hate feeling fat. I should become anorexic i swear then i would be happy all the time only i wouldn't. I HATE BINGING and I HATE MY STOMACH and I HATE EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD.
I'd apologize for subjecting you to that self-centered, egotistical, superficial imitation of bitching, but I"M NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD
*siiiiiiighhh* Not getting enough hours at my new job. Being nostalgic over illusions. Missing people who are far away, and I can't afford to go to Edmonton for New Years. Can't afford much of anything, actually. Winter comes too fast and I'm getting depressed again. Fucking depression. My brain quit. I can't write. I can't be creative. I can't make decisions. I can't remember anyone's name. I'm wasting the food in my house by not eating it (why did I get stuff that goes bad so fast?). Blah blah blah blah. On the up side, reading the "you all suck" message *points down* makes me feel better. I like stupid people. So amusing. Like, haha.
my step sisters baby died, an old friend of the family died, my best friends family is being kicked out of town, my rooms a mess, newyears cant come fast enough, i miss camp, i miss thomas, im scaired, im worried. im yet again not eating right, my email is still down, i miss who i was, somone deleted my poetry off the poetry page, i have too much schoolwork, i hate the normal people here, i cant write worth a crap, i spend too much time on pages like this bitching about nouthing, i have pms, everyone i love lives a long aways, i hurt people, im not a nice person, i like pain,i play with fire, i dont reply to email, i lisson to mean music, i hate talking to my grandma, i dont call my father, i fall in love, i use to cheat in cards, i dont send letters, i cry, and i have head lice
today im just bitchy. some of my reasons are good. some are just bitchy
im dont here
i want my photo's back. they were supposed to be back today. they're not. <sigh> i'm waiting for a cd in the mail. that was supposed to come today too. it didn't. <another sigh> my keyboard doesnt like me and skips every other letter. <tripl sigh> annndd love is hurting. and it's not supposed to hurt. and best friends shouldn't hurt either. what's wrong with this!? <big gigantic siiiigh> ok. that's all. quitcherbitchin roya. I like my job, damnit! This poses all sorts of problems. I'm considering traveling less... I'm on the computer less... I have to wear tennis shoes, I hate tennis shoes... I'm addicted to smoothies now... My life is a mess. All because of this darn job. You not supposed to like jobs!! Arg!!! Work again. Safeway. The stupid policy they have of thanking everyone by their last names as they leave the checkout. Well I've had it happen to me more than once now that the person isn't visibly gender spacific. To avoid insult or mindless catagorization, neither Mrs. or Mr. will work. There Is No Gender Nutral Honorific that I know of. It bugs the hell out of me!
Fuckin Shit! I called my manager at the job I spent all last week training for, to find out why I was only scheduled for eight hours of work this week, and he said that they'd "do their best to get me 20 hours a week, because that's the amount I needed in order to get benifits". WHat a load of crap!! They took up six of my days, plus putting me through a slick expensive computer training, plus paying a woman to be there all that time as my mentor, you'd think they'd do that only if they actually intended to Use My New Skills. I'm really mad that they weren't honest with me from the beginning about how maany hours they were planning to have me work. Now I'm back to the same old job hunting reutine that I've spent over six weeks on now, I'm out of money, it's putting stress into all the other areas of my life, and I'm strating to get scared, coz damnit, I Am Out Of Options Here!!
All our computers are fucked. Dammit i have to print out resumes, i can see the resume, right there, taunting me on the screen, i just hav e no friggen way of printing it off. I hate having to deal with computers. ARRRRRGGG STRESSED OUT. fuck this, i am going to go milk cows forever. -Dawn War. War just bitches, and so does my mixed feelings on the matter. Zits. Okay Mom, I'll keep taking antibiotics, but I'd rather do it for the Anthrax scare than because I happened to be born with an UGLY FACE!! Creepy guys at coffeeshops. You know how some people just have this aura of creepiness about them, they don't even have to say or do anything it's just there. Ugh. Feeling generally bitchy. Well I finally caught the flu thats been going around and I am as sick as a dog! (who came up with that my dog never gets sick) my stomach hurts and I just thru up and I about to do it again, I haven't thrown up in four years! worst then that it's three o'clock in the morning and no one is on Irc, how dare no one be on irc when I'm sick!
Today is Tuesday. I've been sick since FRIDAY! This sucks. I haven't gotten this sick in years. I've also missed two days of work already and I'm supposed to work tomorrow. I don't know if I'll be able to. Shelving books at the library for five hours sounds really hard to me when it takes all my energy just to eat a little or use to bathroom. I hate being sick. Robin It feels like no one in this fucking life loves me anymore i feel so shity and depressed. my mom doesn't even talk to me when my step dad is in the room why does my life sux so bad? why can't anything interesting happen to me? i miss my sister so much right now i haven't seen her since aaaa my mom is talking about matt and i don't fucking want to talk to her about guys. shit dude why can't i meet someone that will like me for who i am and that will and hold me when i need to be held. but i guess i'm just dreaming about someone loving me. ohwell KaY NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 332 times, last edited on March 25, 2002 by 63.175.56.66. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
