Dammit! Or don't. You know what? People scare the living shit out of me. I don't understand how someone could hate that much. How they could justify it, and how they could put that much energy into it. Why bother? On a more mundane note, I bought a used Ani DiFranco CD and I've only listened to five songs but...I don't think she's that good. You'll all still talk to me, right?
The same happens for me. I don't like Ani all that much, except for a few songs that I just love becasue they make me cry when I hear them. She's so onto how it feels to not be safe walking down the street, or safe on the bus, or safe in general. Those are the songs that get me the most of hers. Ani takes a lot of getting used to. I found that reading the lyrics of her songs before (or after, or while) I'm listening to them helps me understand her more. I absolutely love some her songs, such as "Untouchable Face", but other songs I listen to and I'm not sure what she's getting at. Hmmm... Yeah, I love hearing what she has to say but most of her songs just don't grab me the way the songs of other people do. Welcome home, Kimlove, we missed you dearly. Now, I need a hug, goddamnit, and I need it now. SqueezeAli
I am home. ~Wind 7/27/01 6:20PM Yesterday I went downtown early in the morning (well, early for me. About 9AM.) with my mom and dad to see about appplying for another passport now that I'm an "adult" and all. Adult. Adult. Adult. Me? No way. That's just not right. Anywhoo, we parked and walked to the Claude Pepper Federal Building, went through the various metal detectors and guard stations and up to the 3rd floor only to be told they were closed from some ceremony and would not be open to new appointments until Monday. The hosers! I'm leaving on Sunday. Going on a 7 day cruise with my mom (who's celebrating the Big 5-0) and my aunt. Mexico, Cayman Islands, Jamaica, maybe somewhere else. Coolness fer sure. My dad starts to get testy and complains to the guard that the web site said no such thing (about the closing or needing an appointment) and I'm thinking "Dad chill with the government people. You're pissing them off and freaking them out and government people just aren't nice when they're freaked." Thankfully we leave without an altercation. On the way out I am suddenly inspired to do the phone thing (you know, flipping the reciever over and walking away.) [2] My heart is pounding cuz you never know what you can in trouble for, but I do it anyway after pretending to make a call. My dad was not amused. It was my third time doing it that day and I am pleased and unjailed. Today I watched the last half of the animated version of Tarzan. I liked it. Jane reminds me of Raina. *grin* I can so see her with a Britsih accent in the middle of a jungle somewhere, madly in love with a dashing scantily clad wild man. Hehehe. Hell, I can see myself in a jungle somewhere, madly in love with a dashing scantily clad wild man. I ate an ice cream thing and played Taboo with my 11 yr old cousin from Jamaica. Neteisha. Netty for short. Twas fun. Tarot cookies anyone? I also watched a few minutes of Bill and Ted's Excellant Adventure and then left to go to my mom's house, which is where I am now. She doesn't have the Comedy Channel. Feh. I need to watch that movie some time. Lots of Monty Python too. *sigh* So much insanity, so little time... I got 4.5 hours of sleep last night. Yay me! What can I say, when IRC and Sleep engage in hand to hand combat IRC kicks Sleep's ass almost every time. *Grin* The reason I got so little sleep was because I had to wake up at 11:00 for a hair dresser appointment my mom had so enthusiastically made. (That's before the crack of noon y'all. Waaa!) Actually, the whole reason for this post was simply to state a thought that occured to me during Adventures In Blow Drying. That thought was that right now, in this day, in this moment, I Am Beautiful. Note: This thought had nothing to do with the actual hair styling, just came to me then.
God, a lot has changed in a year. *smile* I stand here...oh wait, I'm sitting...*stands up*. I stand here amazed. I stand here stoked beyond belief. For life in general and people in particular, including myself...And all I can say is Wow. Actually, I can also say Ow. You see I had my eyebrows waxed today... Imagine... So here I am laying on what looks like a cross between a long hair dressing chair and a psychiatrists couch (which it by all rights is being that only crazy people would go through what I was about to. Damn masochistic me...) Anyway, I'm calmly waiting to endure eye-watering pain for God knows what reason (um...the lady suggested it and I'm easily persuaded and I wasn't paying for it...) and then I start babbling about couches and banana trees and interdimensional worm holes... That was my day. Kim West (who now has a French Braid and twirly strand things which will last all of 2 days. 3 if they're lucky) There's something very odd about watching my mother cover sixteen pages of sticky notes with tiny, carefully written and twice underlined "Fuck You!!"s. Somehow, I would guess that she is not a very happy person right now. But then, what can be expected when her not very consistent boyfriend of 2 months has just insulted her drunkenly over the phone for an hour and a half? Sometimes I just cannot believe how badly human beings treat each other. When I was 8, my best friend lived in a house that smelled of urine and shit because her mother blamed her younger brothers when they wet their beds, and refused to clean anything up. Once, at age 24 or so, my mother bought herself a beautiful, close-fitting black dress to wear to a party, and when my father saw her, what did he say? "You look like a whore." Of all the disrespectful, slime-laden things. . . !! He wouldn't even go with her, after that. She took me instead, diaper-swathed baby though I was. I could go on, but suddenly I'm tired. Don't we all deserve to be acknowledged as being beautiful and real and worthy of respect? If it's wrong for a stranger to hurt or insult us, why do we allow our mothers and lovers and friends to do so all the time? I think, perhaps, that we are one of the lowest creatures on the scale of evolution, not the highest. A daisy does not think, maybe, in the same way that we do. . . but she will not hurt the ones she loves.
7/24/01 11:55 pm Now I remember why I don't like staying home all day... I always fight with my family. Today I fought with my mother about cleaning my room... I don't like the way it looks when everything's exactly neat, and I've told her that before. Right now there's nothing on the floor except for some pillows, some paper cranes in the corner, and a few random pieces of junk (and I do mean a few) and she's nagging at me to clean my room. It's my room and I like the way it looks. If I liked it clean I would clean it. My carpet is depressing. My dad came downstairs a couple minutes ago and told me I've been spending too much time on the computer. Through an unfortunate series of coincidences, every time he's come downstairs in the past couple days I've been on the computer, although several times I get off five minutes after he goes up and get on five minutes before he comes down. I know I've been spending too much time on the computer... I didn't go on the computer all morning today, and I have gone off and done other things today like play music, write, and read. Since I was feeling like I was getting sick earlier today he told me I had to go to bed and if I felt sick tomorrow morning he wouldn't let Roya come. I flatter myself I know my own body pretty well, and I do not feel sick right now. Nose clear, neither head nor throat hurting... I'm not going to stay up all night, and just because he goes to bed at nine doesn't mean that midnight is horribly late for everyone. I'm going to have to just get out of the house tomorrow. Wander around downtown or at the beach or something. I hate it that I only get along well with my family when I don't see them. I'm home. I'm happy. My house never felt this big. I don't want to sleep but I've only had about two hours in the last 26. It's great to be able to lie on my own bed again, to say everything which I've been through, good and bad, in the past two months. love Rosie I want to fly... not in a plane, not all closed up like that, but out in the open, with the wind, and the air, and light, where you can feel the speed, and freedom, I felt that way today, as I came as close to the feeling of flying as I have in a long time, just rideing down the road, not knowing where I was going, or why, I just wanted to fly, and it felt so good, i think I'm addicted, addicted to the fresh air, and speed, and freedom, and peacefulnes of it all. Other then totally stressing on money im good. I feel safer then i have in weeks and weeks and weeks. Im tired and i feel like sleeping in the sun till a totally new moon phase comes around. Dawn The summer is moving at a speed so fast I can hardly keep up. Zooooom! I can't believe July is almost over. I'm nineteen two weeks from tomorrow. I'm at camp a month after that. O ye gods and little fishes. I'm changing so fast I'm making myself dizzy. I think of things that happened last Sunday, and then think of everything I've done since then, all the thoughts and feelings that have zipped around in my head, and I know, I just know, that all of that couldn't have happened in the space of a week. And the scary thing is that I'm not showing any signs of slowing down. I think I am have lost For the first time in months, a year, perhaps, I found myself asking someone about themselves because I wanted to know, and just that. I didn't want to compare, to analyze, or anything. I just felt like asking because I didn't know, and I cared.
I'm trying to pack. Ee-augh. Scary shit.
On friday i'm leaving for Santa Barbara, to stay with marina for three (count them, THREE!) weeks. hurrah! we're going to the ren-faire with kathleen, carolyn, adam, wilson, and bunches of other wonderfully yummy people. i'm very excited. then becky is flying out,YAY!!! and we're driving up, with kathleen, to the HSC Conference in sacremento. i am SOOOO THRILLED i can't even believe it. then a week later, it's camp! wow. that's soon. after that i may visit people in northern CA, and then i'm hopefully going to an HSC campout in Patricks Point, which has my vote for Most Gorgeous Place on Earth. in other words: i am going to be busy doing the things i love best. life couldn't be better. Argh. I got cut off of IRC, can't get back on or do anything else on the 'net 'cept web based stuff. I feel crippled. Arrrrr.
oh. my. god.
i just had one of the most...interisting irc talks of my life.i don't know yet if it was good or bad i just know that i own 2 people forever
Jess: thanks a million i really needed you to help me out tonight
PaperMoon: i know you probably dont know how much you helped tonight but you did
thanks a million guys
im toatly fryed and i feel like shit
i feel like crying and barfing at the same time
i cant think too hard
i hate feeling this way
arrug
im going the fuck to bed and having a good cry and im going to try not to barf
could someone hug me in any form? i could really use it right now
This trip is nearly over...one more week of humidity, mountains, laughing, bouncing off my cousins and being horriffied by my sunburns, saying deep thank yous and accepting kindness, pine trees and mountains and waking up to see a river every morning, the sound of Japanese everywhere, schoolgirls in uniform with huge bunched socks around their ankles, schoolboys reading manga at the drugstore by my street who don't know whether to run from me or whistle or laugh, bowing to everyone, sweat trickling down my back, narrow streets and new shrines everywhere I look and not understanding what's going on at all, asking for explanations of everything, adding slowly to my vocabulary each day love Rosie
I'm in Victoria for a month, and after three and a half days of travelling, it's a relief to be on something that's not moving, to have a bed that's horizontal, though it's not private, it's good enough. I love hostels. They're so full of young people, excited and happy to be where they are, it's inspiring and wonderful. Time-limits on the net suck though. Arrgh. Oh, well. I'm happy and calm right now. I replaced my paintbrush that I gave my dad to paint the sign on my mom's new store (Yay, her! She started a natural foods grocery!). I bought a small bar of my favorite soap, and life is pretty damn good. I talked over some things with Robyn and a bit with Tessa last night during my seven hours at home in Corvallis. Things aren't as dark and dismal as they seemed. Besides, they love each other so much, people that caring can't be all bad. . . or much bad at all... or maybe they can't be bad, just human. Pretty damn good ones, and wonderful at that. Love to all, --Ari I feel huge and full of deep thoughts. Tonight is a turning point. I move on and up and over and beyond. i feel huge and old as the rocks. A new sunburn on my legs reminds me of my morning swim. I spent a good part of today blowing off strange men. -Dawn July 14th, 1:26 AM PST (or is it daylight savings time...? I forget) There are many many good reasons for me to be in bed. I've been working as an assistant 'director' (actually doing whatever the five adults (director, choreographer, music director, set designer, costume designer) in charge want me to do) for a kid's play of Grease for the past couple weeks. Five hours a day, (supposedly) five days a week, for the past three weeks and next week is the last week. Eek. Today I was there for 9 hours, since I stayed late painting and going over the prop list with the director so I can go thrift store shopping tomorrow morning. Which means I need to get up in 8 1/2 hours. I am having so so so much fun with this... I love it. I love the kids (all 60 of them... can you say chaos? I can...) I love the adults and the other teen assistants I'm working with, I love acting and painting and designing and shopping and I love staying late at the theater. On Tuesday I get to learn how to work the light board. That's something I've always wanted to learn how to do. So that's my life right now... busy, very happy, and not having enough time to fill out my camp forms. Eek!! But anyway, I love you all. P.S. Anyone have a record player they feel like loaning the show??? Or a metal trash can? Or a bunch of car parts?? Its time to move on. I always know when its time to go, and today is the day its time to move on. Fethiye is beautiful but the way light hits pavement and the turning of leaves tells me its time to move on. worried about tickets. happy. in love. Dawn You know what else sucks? Finding out that breast milk is highly contaminated.... how sick. - Christy
[Well, I wasn't sure where to put this (much like Mari) but I'm gonna put it here. Oh, and I'm sorry it makes no sense :-/] Today someone said something to me that lifted such a burden, of some sorts, I guess. It just felt so nice. I had been wanting to say it to them for a while, but I've just been feeling akward about it. I'm afraid people (especially this one person) will take me too seriously or not serious enough... I don't know, I'd been basically thinking about it for a while and now I don't have to worry. I've been worrying a lot lately. About people mostly... ok, that's enough confusingness from me. I'm not sure where else to write this, but I'm very thankful to those of you who write about your travels and such... It means a lot to me, even though I don't know any of you (yet.) Veddy educational, as one might say... :) I'm going to Venice tomorrow. This may be the only day in my life I will ever get to say that. Wind.
i wish i was going to camp. but it's impossible, because grace always schedules camp the first week of school. it's not even public school. it's freaking college. i don't know why she can't schedule one session so that some of us can still go. i loved camp, i love the feeling that i get when i'm with you guys. i would love to talk about everybody on "allsorad" but half of you i don't know personally, and you've probably never heard of me. still, we could have a great time together if we hung out, i can guarantee it. because we're campers, that's why... we know how to let that unique light shine. there's nothing like each of you to make each of us feel special and worthwhile. people need to hear the things said on "all so rad" and need to feel that warmth. love~samara
Right now I feel like I'm pushing a huge boulder, four times my size, away from the entrace to a cave. I feel like I've been pushing it for years and years and years, and just now it's starting to budge. I'm not sure what it's gonna reveal, but I definately know I'm ready for a change.
(07/06/01) Robyn and Tessa got on a bus to Corvallis an hour and a half ago after three glorious days here. Now I'm just another teary, lonely unschooler. Oh well, it goes with the territory. 7-4-01 Happy July Fourth, American folks. :) Lost touch with some camp folks, so I thought this would be a good place to, well, check in. I'm still in Brooklyn, despite my vocal ambivalence about this city. Since May, I've been working as an assistant editor at Dorset House Publishing Co. (See www.dorsethouse.com for more info.) It's not my passion, and is often more "jobby" (i.e., bullshit) than real work, but I'm glad to be editing and trying out this life. I'm also writing poetry, writing for a local radical paper (see www.nyc.indymedia.org for more info), not sleeping enough, and seeing good music. This afternoon I'm going to see Emmylou Harris play for free in Battery Park! Whee! My moods do fluctuate. The job is a grind, even if it's a grind I chose. I don't see myself staying here for more than another couple of years, even though I cherish parts of it. But it's funny Now for the roll call. Where the hell are you: Robyn, Tessa, Shippy, Dawn, Reanna, Landis and Ari? There are more but those are the biggies. Please try to reach me (*ahem*Ari*ahem*) at JWitchbaby at aol.com. I miss you! I miss you all... Jessica I'm happy its sunny out and im with unschoolers i have another 5 beauticul days here and all is well im toatly in love and i have never felt like this before somone asked me what the past three weeks has been like and i said being in the denver airport thats really motherfucking big to falling in love with a boy to watching the stars to sleeping with unschoolers im not all sure ask me that in 2 weeks when i fuger myself out
aall i can say for the moment is that im gunna have a lot of poetry to write when i get home *grin*
I pierced my ear this morning. I got bored, and mom wasn't home, and I decided that another hole would be a nice thing to have, so I sterilized a needle and an earring, and then iced my ear till I couldn't feel it and poked a hole in it. It looks really cool, and it hardly bled at all. Now I've just gotta' hope mom doesn't notice. Hehehehehe. I'm standing at the Earthlink booth at Ptomac Mills Mall, somewhere in northern Virginia, taking a break from watching the other interns I work with indulge their consumer tendancies. I'm spending most of my days up to my elbows in wood chips, wearing an 18th-century farmer's costume, answering tourist's questions. Yes, I'm interning at Mount Vernon (George Washington's estate), and I'm deleriously glad to be here. I've finally joined the online universe! You can all Email me at bluesbodger at yahoo.com One problem, though. I may not be able to check it very often, and when I leave here on August 9th my chances to check will get even less, so don't count on it as an instant communication medium. Anyone who wants to see Mount Vernon: contact me, I can get you in for free if you act while I'm still here. Love to all who read this and those who miss it as well. Sweet days and happy dreams. Chris Black Hallo me lovelies, I'm in Bath! To say life is beautiful would not be enough. I forgot to bring my address and phone number over here...arrg. I guess no one's awake as such anyhoo, it's aboot 8am there. I'll put it up latah. The people I'm travelling with have southern accents, and every one else has british, so I'm sounding like, Ello ello ello, whut's up, ya'll wanna go fo a ride, deah chaps? There's so many people I want to email, but all the 'dresses are in my computer at home. So! If you wanna hear from me, send a blank email to wind at nbtsc.org or something. Well it doesn't have to be blank. Like if your cat died, or you decided that skydiving really was the career for you, I'd be pleased to hear it. Love love love Kim
Here's what I need today: get away from here awhile. Stay here. Focus on things. I cannot be trusted to focus on the right things, or think about what i need too. I really should go somewhere where one just writes until one feels done.. Who's my fairy? Whoever it is, I got the package you sent me. I'm wearing the bracelet, but I'm saving the sucker for later.
As my 3 year old cousin once phrased it, mine eyes has tears in dem. Somewhere on wiki, I just saw the words "I need a confidante." Whhooosh. Bam. Pow. That's it. That's where I am. Am I being inarticulate and melodramatic? I don't know.... If I am, well, I can't help it. I don't like my life being like this and I don't know what to do about it. -Emerie I'm leafing tomorrow. Counting the hours is a really stupid thing to do. Sorta makes you feel like a veal about to be slaughtered through tears by three ravenous little girls. I'm worried no one will worry about me and will forget me and I'll *just* *be* *a* *blob*. {Insert kindred chuckle here} Aiieeeeee. ~Raina~
Today is bittersweet. Life. I keep moving back and forth, stepping in
I ran away and that was the problem. Im happy for a change, the past 2 weeks have been highs and lows. Im still surrounded by a fuzzy mist of Shippys love, she just left a few hours ago. well, 8 hours ago. Im in Israel trying to decide what makes me happy and what id like to do with my life. Im a wierd chickie. Israel is something else. love Dawn Hmm. *sighs* Why is it that I have so little patience for people who say they are "in love"? I've never had patience for them. . . all I've ever felt is a vague sense of irritation and contempt at how little self-control they have, from the time when I was eight years old and my friends were giggling about movie stars. Am I jealous, in some part of my being, for their short happiness? Maybe. I try to quell my irritation as much as possible, since it's silly to want to punish people for doing what is natural. Besides, enmeshment lasts for almost no time at all. Still, no matter how long they stay enmeshed, jealousy or no, sometimes the people around me seem so. . . so stupid. "Love", indeed.
Why am I so bitchy? Why have I lost my ability to remain civil? I don't get it, and all I can do is...bitch about it. I expected a little more than this from myself. And at the same time, I don't know if I care enough to stop. Why don't people do more weird random things for strangers, and what stops me? Laziness? What people would think? 95 degree weather? We should be more insane. It would be good for the world. It would be hypocritical of me, but didn't we pass that point by long enough ago? though we may be blind, love is here to stay and that's enough. didn't you know it hurts to be this beautifull? there are so many people i must call. arrrrr. beauty slices like the knife, ask it where it's been and that knife has a story to tell. Like most of us. Tell me your stories. ~Wind~ Yiiiiiikes!!!! i keep freaking out yay heathers gunna travle oh my god!! yay oh my god yay oh my god yea i leave in less then a day wish me luck
All Josh COnversations have been moved to... JoshJoshJosh I'm scanning snoopy pictures! They'll be up by the end of the evening: http://www.nbtsc.org/fiona/snoopy.html Well
my life has been improving. I am going to be putting up flyers for a Mother/Parents Helper thingy. So hopefully I will get moula ($). I am trying really hard to convince my mom to let me go to CA *please please please*. My sister (Tamia, shes 22) is going to be coming to Alaska *yay!*. I haven't seen her in a year. Been working outside, lotsa yard work. My arms are sore, I have been mowing, and cutting, and raking, and all of that good stuff:)
It's all good:P My life is really messed up. At least part of it is. I ended it rather.. badly with one of my (ex) friends (who has been my friend since we were 2 or 3). I visited her in Ohio, and it was basically hell (they listen to Eminem and Dr. Dre and N'Stync and made fun of me and teased all the time). I told Katie that, finally, after she pushed one too many of my buttons, and it ended. NOW she has all her little friends coming after me, and it basically sucks.
Quick note to say I'm still here and alive in Japan, though heading back to the apartment soon. It's dark and I don't want my uncle to worry...I finished Charle's Frazier's "cold mountain" yesterday on the bullet train and I've started in on Shakespeare: four great tragedies. I've been sketching buddhas and temples and figments of my mind, writing fairytales and watching people. When I go to sleep at night on my futon I can hear the river below our apartment rushing over the stones. I live only a few blocks away from a beautiful shinto shrine up on a hill over the river. I miss you all and during only these few weeks things have happened I don't know about and I'm out of the loop. Write me! rose_abroad at hotmail.com love to all, Rosie NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 2 times, last edited on August 2, 2001 by kathleen@nbtsc.org. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
Emma
