All i did today was cook food and sleep, read comix books, watch a movie, luxuate in the comfort of love. I yet again dont know what i am doing next week. Im happy, in a fuzzed out sort of way. -Dawn i haven't been here in a really long time.. but i wanted to check in, because i've been at camp for the past week and i became infatuated with NBTSCers once again, after too long of living a life of 40-hour-a-week jobs. i was a session two junior staffer.. and i just wanted to say that overall, every factor considered (even the ones that i'm less happy with than in the past), this was my favorite NBTSC session ever. of all four i've been to, that is. by far my favorite. thank you guys, i love all of you. -courtney I'm at Ari's place in Corvallis with about thirteen other campers, Theory is in a few days, and I am happier than I have been in such a long time. I can't describe what it's like.. but,, yah, I feel right now like I'm the person I want to be.
I am looking forword, to tomarow, geting droped off at monroe park, sometime around noon, in hopes, to get there befor the busses from camp, then hopeing I have a place to sleep that night, and have a way to get there, seeing as how, someone decided to stop taking shit from the govenment, and had to mess things up... so I am hopeing greyhound is runing, and not over filled, or something.
I can't wait to see people at the park, so many stories I have not heard about, so many lovely faces I want to see, who will I get to spend more time with, and who will I have a quick goodbye with?
not haveing have been at 2nd session, I have to wonder what I missed, and will I ever find out, should I try to find out? should I let go, move on, and run away to canada... it sure is temping sometimes... canadions sure are nice...
i am going home tomorrow. i am full of new resolutions, but the dust has yet to settle. the path is in front of me. but which shoes do i want to wear? I have been away from camp for too long. I didn't really let myself EXPERIENCE camp until the last few days, it was so hard leaving. I miss so many people. I think the friends I made at camp were the first who knew who I was and liked me for it. It was hard for me to beleive. I want to go back, and live there. I can't deal with going back to school here (my crappy so called alternative program) and my attempt at quitting isn't going too well, even tho i won't give up. I have the most obnoxious nosy school district! before i continue rambling and take up the whole fuckin page...i must go...peace, *julia* ps anybody who needs someone to ramble to, whether u know me or not, my email is happyhorse1999 at yahoo.com...talk to me people, please, before i lose my mind... Corvallis, Ricks apartment a place i knew, know, flashes of past and present... My skin is cool from a long walk back from dinner at mel and lukes. my heart still feels funny from the park yesterday putting campers off to camp. I feel old, as if the responsiblity of the world weights heavy on my mind and my soul remembers another place. I feel like a part of me has been at camp all day, i can remember the smell of the grass, the taste of leaves and hugs, it hurts despertly yet not. I know what i am doing and why. most of the time. Why do some friendships make more sense when the person isnt in the room.? -Dawm I'm not where I feel like I should be, I am in corvalis, siting next to Lorin, who is playing a compuer game, and Dawn is behind me, writing, and a whole shit load of people are at 2nd session, without me, I wanted to stay longer, at the park, and talk to, and see more people, but we had to run, so we could catch a bus here,t o see fuzzy get her black belt... weirdness is in the air, and yet, I am happy to be here, happy to have these people here... unhappy that nick is going to californa, insted of sneeking us in to 2nd session for an after noon. but he needs money... so another plan is shatterd... well, in a bit, Dawn, Lorin, and I are goinng to Mel, and Lukes, house, for dinner, so washing dishes, and finding a clean shirt should be on my list of things to do, remember we will be roadtriping CA in a week or so, so if you want to see 3 geeks (me, charlie, and Nick) and a girl (kim b.) write us an Email (roadtrip at nbtsc.org) and tell us~!!!
Hey, I just moved into my new place in Camrose... eek, I'm all alone in a small city for a few days as I wait till classes start.... I hate the waiting... waiting for classes, waiting for a phone line and an internet connection I can use without feeling guilty. Some hugs would sure be nice. - Christy Maybe I'll cut my hair, lose forty pounds, become a diva and move to switzerland. Wind.
9/3 I'm at my uncle's house in Berkeley after spending the past week camping in Yosemite at the Strawberry Music Festival. It was very very very good... a complete vacation from any and all soap operas. *grin* It was beautiful... for the first time in my life I liked camping. Which is just as well since I'm headed into two more weeks of it. *happygrin* The music was fantabulous... Arlo Guthrie was freaken hilarious, Mark O'Connor and a bass player and a guitar player did a Tribute to Stephan Grapellli (I don't know how to spell that) that was.... incredible? More than that. Impossible. Yeah, that's it. There was this bass player in Scruj MacDuhk that did this yiddish folk song that was really cool... and a drummer in Tony Furtado's band that did a freaking amazing drum solo. Very very very good stuff... There were a bunch of other wonderful bands too, but those moments stood out. Anyway, I had a good time, I'm clean for the first time in a week and it feels so good, and I'm getting on a train to camp tomorrow night. I'm going to explode.
I returned from camp at eleven last night with the help of three planes. I miss it. More than camp itself, I miss the tons of talented people I met, hugged, had conversations with. I'm tired and my fingers don't remember how to type quickly, but I have this to say: Everyone come visit me! A year is too long to wait to see such beautiful, lovely people again. -Katherine i feel like i'm going slowly crazy. camp is driving me nuts. i have to do so much stuff, & really nothing at all. i've been posting nonstop on livejournal because no one else does & i feel like i have to do something. the countdown begins for real, right. *sighs* i'm almost all packed & everything but jesus! there's still so much shit to get done! i have to clean my room for when rosemary & dawn come after camp & i have to clean the house for mom & i have to try to finish rosemary's birthday present, but i very seriously doubt i'm gonna get it finished in time. & i really need to talk to dawn about stuff. & i'm in a wierd mood. i feel dissatisfied with the way i look. which sounds super shallow. but you know what i mean. i hope. my fingers won't shut up. & i've been trying to call jen all day cuz i need someone to talk to & she's the only one i can call without having to pay an arm & a leg who i have the phone number of. & she's never there. & she probably isn't there now because she's probably working, & probably going to be working until 9:30, & if i call around then she'll be tired & grumpy & i won't get to talk. shit. i feel really alone. i'm going nuts. i know i say that all the time lately. but that's how it feels. ali's on! now i have someone to talk to. thank god. 9/1/01 Traveling, traveling... It suits me. Mostly. I've been away from home 5 days now (14 more till I get back). On my flight from the west coast I happened to be seated next to a family who recognized me from having seen a panel discussion that I was on at a homeschool conference! What are the odds... I arrived at my aunt & uncle's house in Seattle on Thursday, after spending a couple of days with Sarah Johnson at her new apartment in Vancouver, WA. We had a lot of fun... While Sarah was busy one day, I went down to Portland and wandered around... Nice little city. I have a bit of a quandry. My aunt and uncle are going camping/hiking tonight and tomorrow and would like to take me along, but quite honestly I haven't the slightest interest. Sigh. I don't want to insult them, but I did ask whether there would be buses I could take to get downtown if I stayed here. There's lots to do in Seattle, I'm sure, and while I do appreciate the Beauty of the Great Outdoors, I'd enjoy going to an art museum more. And I'm just feeling tired.... It would be even better, though, if some lovely camp people wanted to meet me in Seattle and do stuff. So, please guys, write to me or respond here! I want to see you! I don't know. My aunt may make me feel guilty enough that I'll end up camping... Can't wait to see you all!!! Four days till camp! -Emerie
I'm happy. And excited. And nervous. And... bored. Emily gets here in two short hours, I'm talking to Jasmine (hi, Jasmine!!) on AIM, and... I ate two yogurts with chopsticks today, and I've got some yogurt freezing, and I ironed some shirts and I folded laundry, mated socks, watched part of "Hook", played guitar for a while, and now I'm bored, and waiting for Emily's plane to get here and talking to Jasmine and.... doing nothing. Trying to decide what to wear on Sunday. Hehe.
8/29 5:40 pm Franny is very happy!!!! She can play Somewhere and Tonight from West Side Story on piano!!! And she just finished her skirt!!! And she leaves for camp in 5 days!!! Yayness!!! It's been too long! Since I have been on wiki, on chat, in contact with the NBTSC people... My life has changed in oh-so-many ways. I am working at Whole Foods as a cashier, I am in love with a crazy Russian boy, I just got back from five weeks of music camp, etc. Only one week until I go to NBTSC. It is time for me to delve back into this world. I want to hug every one of you (even the ones I haven't met yet)! I am sure there have been many new people in this world since I have been away. Camp is going to be great... erin 8.27 well, you're all at camp, or nearly all of you, and i'm haunting wiki. don't need a ph.d in shrinkdom to see that i wish i were at camp. things are okay, but still. hmph. wrong coast, indeed. phhhhbt. August 27th 2001 1:25pm i can never seem to fully wake up on days like this, when it's cold in the house & hot outside & i'm nervous & apprehensive, & i read too much & do too little. mom is going to cut my hair today. at least that's /something/.
I'm not happy. August 26th 2001 6:32pm 1) i know this sounds really bitchy, but i don't want jen to go to the first day of camp. i guess you couldn't really understand unless you had jennyrose for an older sister. i can't explain it either. it's just really really important for me to not have her there for the very first day. 2) my mom was being really nice, i was having fun talking to her, yap yap, & then she says "have you been doing your excersises?" (my excersises are what the massuese told me i should do to help my back. for future reference, so far i have gone to this massuese one (1) time.) i say, "i did it a little bit yesterday, but not as long as she said because it hurt so bad." mom, who you also have to know to really get this look, gets all tight-lipped & disapproving-looking, & -looks- at me. you know what i mean. so i say, "i did it! i just didn't do it for the full ten minutes." then mom blurts out this totally random...thing, saying "do you want to go to the docter & get a brace." i'm like, "what??" & she goes off on what having a brace is like & "would it be easier for you to /have/ to stand up straight?" & i don't say anything, because the only thing that's coming to mind is "f*%k you." then she says "you are /going/ to fix this thing," like as if i really you know /enjoy/ having near constant back pains, & /enjoy/ the fact that i look like an old lady, & like i haven't been /really/ trying to stand up straight for the past few months, like i haven't pretty much gotten rid of my back pains & like i haven't been working really hard to accomplish this. like she's the only one who wants my back to be fixed. like this isn't something that really bothers me, that i'm working to fix. like i've been shirking the fact that i have to work on it, like i haven't been doing the excersises. like i said "naw...i thought about it, but why bother?" instead of saying that i /did/ do it, only not that long, because i've only done it /once/ before, & my muscles aren't used to it yet, & i'd prefer to slowly get them used to it instead of having intense pain every time i do it until they conform goddammit. once again, i said nothing. but i wished i could. i wished i could have gone on a big rant, beginning with "you think you're the /only/ one who wants to fix this? is this /your/ back?" & ending with "f*ck you, mom." but i didn't. because i don't want to get in a fight with mom. because life is so much easier if you just shut your trap & pretend like you have no opinion of your own. but at least i have cute new sandals.
I'm home, trip was great, northen michigan is beautiful, canada was odd as I was saying 'Eh' more than the locals, home stinks, looking forward to leaving again, livejournal is down!, I have but only a week to enact my plans to take over the world, and I'm trying to quit drinking. coffee. again. and I'm thinking of writing a song, but need help as I can't read, much less write, music, which is a bit of a hitch? yes. I'm sorry I didn't write, but I had forgotten three things; I hadn't brought envelopes, had not brought stamps, and the mailboxes on the upper peninsula of michigan are spaced hours apart. bad luck, eh? I did bring back postcards, though. fare thee well. ~Danopian
Have a great time at camp, y'all. Think of me once or twice, eh?
I am bored and busy, packing to leaf on a jet plane early tomorrow mornin, waiting for my wives to call me, *hrrrrm*, not wanting to leave home, wanting to get out of this place before it collapses on top of me. I cannot pack or vacuum or make decisions or bread. I was made to sit under trees and wonder. I can't wait for camp. I hate camp. I wish I wasn't going to both sessions. I wish I had an excuse not to have a marvelous time. I wish I could just have a horrible one. I wish I knew what I was doing after camp. I wish someone would come along and make it all work. this has been another post from the ever-resurgent Wind I'm leaaving for Eugene in a few minuts, I can't wait till i see camp people! chris and I got in to corvallis yesterday morning, after a few delays on the bus, adding up to about 19 hours, makeing us almost a day late... I wonder who else will be in Eugene today, if it is you, we might be at saterday market, sometime after about 3pm, or at the youth hostle, at around 5pm... I want to see people damb it! oh wait, camp is like, in 24 hours... dude... ok, I'm going now, and if you see someone, tell them I said hello, where is the hotel people are staying at anyway? don't tell me on here.. for i will not be here... just find me! what time should i have my parents pick me up on the 12th?? help! & where is dawn? i need to talk to her about picking her up, & dropping her off, & i need to know how to tie a tie, or know someone who knows how to do it at camp, & i need to wash my clothes but the washer has dye in it & i need to take a shower but none of my clothes are clean & i need to clean my rat's cage but i always am too lazy to do it. aaargh! "show me the meaning of being lonely is this the feeling i need to walk with tell me why i can't be there where you are there's something missing in my heart" i never thought i'd be quoting backstreet boys. *sigh* livejournal is still being a bitch. yes indeedy it is. i finished the thingy for jasmine & now have it in a neat little envolope, all ready to be mailed to ms. jasmine c/o nbtsc. *sniiiiiff* soon, i will be there soon. i'm dying cloth for rosemary's birthday present. yes i am. i can't wait to work more on packing. yep.
8-2-01)24 Aug 01
I'm in a cool town, surrounded by people and possibilities, with
no schedule set for the entire time until session 2 starts. I've been waiting all summer for this, and I just sold my soul to Greyhound for three days to get here.I'm ready for something spontaneous to happen.
livejournal is being a bitch. again. marina is on irc. that makes me happy. i love marina. she's usually on irc. but yeah. anyway. i'm working on a thingy to send jasmine at camp. i made a mix tape for when i'm at camp today. i also started packing. yay me! um. i'm only taking my most recent photo album, cuz i want enough room for other stuff. yeah. um. bye! I'm grumpy because Everyone is on their way to camp. Remind me not to do this next year. Both sessions or bust!
I am back to wiki. Not sure for how long, but I have been gone for awhile and miss it. I hope everybody has a blast at camp, in case you didn't know, this is my second year in a row not going. I am home, no friends around, for the first time in over a month. It's freaken weird... and for the first time, lonliness and missing people can set in. At least I have my beautiful beautiful stuffed dragon Gilbert from Wisconsin my wives gave me. Oh he's so squishy and cuddly... but I have to decide whether I want to bring him camping and probably get him dirty and maybe loose him, or leave him at home during NBTSC. There's so much I want/need to do during the five days I'm at home... Hrm. Sigh. Yeah, so the HSC conference was terrific, I was at Josh and Anselm and Wayli's house for a night, then at Kathleen's with Emma and Becky for a couple days. It was all spectacular. (No words in the vernacular... *grin*)I miss you. I love you. long car rides are the most familiar thing to me. something about the way california stretches out over valleys and hills and cities and freeways and golden bleached grass and oak trees and fences and streetlights... i love my state. but i'm feeling like i live in the wrong half of it. i'm seperated by 10 hours of driving from the people closest to me. and as much as i love california's way of stretching out past the horizon, i'm tired of having to restrain my body from flying apart from loneliness and distance. i'm not comfortable in my home right now. only three weeks away from it and i don't fit right into my space. it makes me want to leave again, to find the place where i fit right. i miss a boy with eyeliner. school starts tonight. i am leaving again on friday. it's all so familiar, but i feel so detached. i got off the phone this morning and cried. it wasn't the same as your arms and your jacket around me. and cuddling. this is where i am. where are you? Ani DiFranco goes perfectly with cleaning the kitchen on a gloomy day and missing people. "In a coffee shop, in a city which is every coffe shop, in every city on a day which is every day" *sighs of contentment* I'm leaving for Colorado in a couple hours. I'm tired and wired and anxious to be on the road...I won't be home until after camp...next time I sit at this computer I'll have lived through another NBTSC. It'll be strange. But Eire's coming so we can chase away our post-camp ennui together. My best friend called last night at 11 see y'all soon. *sigh* Franny It is the stillness of the night, and the restless cannot sleep in it. They wander silently, watching others dream, and wait for dawn. Painted a painting in the dark. Colorless painting. Turn on the light... I am the wind, blowing everywhere, and Someone is holding the string of the kite that is my life...and I'm wondering where I shall end. ~Raina~ Love is love. Remember your manners. Listen. Listen some more. Listen even more. Think before you speak. Speak what you feel. Be brave. Don't be afraid of crying or anger. Fear is fear. Let things happen. They'll happen anyways. Realise this. Stop what is wrong. At least try. Don't be afraid of need, but think of it's effects. Drink water. Eat good food for your body. Eat in a good way. Don't slouch. Sleep well. Walk alot. Don't think so hard that you find, next week, that it is hard to smile or laugh. Laugh at yourself. Don't be afraid to touch. Respect people's space. Be conscious of others. Of yourself. What is conscious? Quit taking everything so seriously. Life is fun. Life is pain. Life is a joke. Life is perfect. Life is love. Life is a mess. Life is a beautiful pattern.
Where are you? I am here. We are stardust.
A bus ride to Vancouver in just a few hours, and my heart is still full of conversations from IRC last night. Scared about crossing the border for some reason. This is my own country dammit. A wierd thought. Canada. *Canada.* I live here.?! I try to focus on the bus ride to not let me think about visiting Rick and trying to find my way up to where mom and Heather are camping. Today changes me completly. I miss the rampent unbarable heat of Israel. -Dawn Coming home has me full of thoughts on love, as i meet old friends, crushes, ex's, people who i vaugly know but who i thought were cool, who become more... less... to me. What does it mean to say "i love you"? This isnt a fucked up whipy thought of a love struck teenager. someone tell me dammit Does it mean "I want to be sexually involved with you" or "you make me happy" or "i like you better then everyone else"????? What does it *mean*? -Dawn I can't sleep. I feel alone tonight. I miss my love's arms... there's no place for me to put my head and feel at home. I want life to be simpler than it ever is. And I want to hold her in my arms, right this minute.
I am really scared angry right now Tessa and I were on the bus in Seattle today and recieved some taunts from some kids that were intimidating us. Yells of "fucking DYKE" followed us off the bus. I was full of anger rage and frustration. SHIT. why the fuck do people DO THAT? I am so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dawn
Dear God, what a reason to do anything! How guilt stricken and horrifying, to expand an action you want to do to something for the good. For the good. Because I love you. I will hurt you. Yes. ~Raina, who is angry. I would just like to say that I miss kim a lot too. (like raina said earlier.) and if my lovely insane kim happens to see this, drop me a line! or a fishing pole. (and I will email you too cuz I missssssss you!) but I will see her in 9 days, about. The end. parden me as i silently scream I miss Kim. Its raining, or rained recently, which pleases me more then i admit. I feel full of thoughts about life and dish water and old books i have never read. Life should come with an instructions manual. -Dawn Hi im toatly flipping out. i leave in 2 days for 2nd session. i miss thomas and my fathers voice. the smell of freshly cut grass and long phone calls. its days like these i wish i was at camp for the hugs only. im worried that i scare people when i tell them how im really doing. its days like these i can't looks in mirroes and see what i look like. its days like these when i just run on and on with no end till i have no where to run to. thank god im going to camp so soon. grr. im so sad but i see no reason why i shoud be. god damn camp gitters. someone say somethink kind to me. remind me why im walk on. --Heather having one of em days I am out of time, out of money, and out of ideas. I want to move out for three months, (back for Christmas!...), and have no where to go. I've been in a city alone before. We are not doing a repeat performance of Venice, no matter how bad we want to get out. I. I want to get out. And the panic strikes and we become posessed, having to escape, unable to reason. This fall...something better than school was supposed to happen. Just anything. And everything happens too slowly and I never plan it in time...it's gotta be something big. No part time jobs, I'll start a bakery, thank you. In somewhere. Anywhere but Chicago. Dear Me. Last night mother explained how she was driven out of the house because her mother never talked to her. And since mine does, I should stay homw as long as I like. I just need to take off for a bit, and learn about healing. This is what I want. More than anything else...which is not much. Where's that herbalist who was supposed to fall out of the sky about now? How bout the elderly benefactress too, while your at it? aww to hell with it all. It'll turn out allright eventually. I'm sorry. This has been a rant. Now where's a good place to start a bakery?... ~Kim the slightly dishevelled I am STRESSED OUT. Understand? Do you get it? No, you don't. You just keep pushing. You just keep nagging. You just keep pushing my buttons and pushing me away and god damn it I can't handle that right now. Everyone should go sign my All So Rad page because I am way. too. fucking. stressed. out. ~Jasmine O. I am in Seattle, up early, drinking hot chocolate writing an e-mail to my father. I havent heard from him in 2 months. funny that. Its kinda a "hi... 'member me? where are you living right now?" sort of message. Hot chocolate in Britain tastes better. Mitchell will be asleep for several more hours. I am resisting the urge to go on IRC and instead will bake cookies... love Dawn 20018015 01:21 I got back from a fantastick evening at "Pagniccini's", where Mr. A. FiddleBoy (AKA Bill Accordion) and The Bill Hilly Band were playing. I sat absolutely crammed into a booth with Jonah, and Cory and Krista and a few people from here, too, Chris, and Tessa (the peter-pan looking one) and Logan and Gabriella. The Bill Hilly Band play better music when not paying attention in one take in a restaurant full of people clapping along and speeding up the beat than most bands can get out of a hundred hours in the studio. Honest. I love live music. Especially when there's cute guys tapdancing along. And poeple who can play music like that. Using a bass as a drum. Mixing jazz into blues into gospel, all the while managing to play this with an accordion, a piano and a fiddle and a guitar and a bass. I'm not kidding. Then I got to walk with Krista and Cory and Adrian to Adrian's. It's a nice walk. And I'm back now. And I'm so happy!
8/14/01 Hi. Life is silly, and kind of pointless sometimes, but I'm writing poems lately, and so it's all okay. Don't forget to listen to the crickets! 8-14-01 I had a surprise phone call today, from Candra. And then I called Becky. So those were the highlights of my day. Oh, and something else, which made me happy...but really really confused me. So now I'm sleepy (I really should go to bed, it's 2:12 AM), confused, and happy. And somewhat guilty. But I'm not sure what about. Camp is in 13 days, HSC this weekend, and it looks like I'm going. It also looks like I'm going to Colorado post-camp, prior to europe. All of this makes me very happy. I'm seriously trying to figure out what exactly it is I want. If I were in school, I'd be going back in a week and a half- two weeks. I was just there...I've changed so much. I probably listened to the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack 8 times today.
livejournal is not working, so i am writing in here instead. i'm feeling really happily sad right now. happy because i love people sooo much & i get to see most of them in 3 weeks (!!). & sad because...well, i'm not sure exactly. i wish franny were here. i wish...ah hell. i'm gonna stop wishing stuff. it's a stupid human habit. it never did anyone any good. look, it's almost 10 & i'm falling asleep. how am i ever gonna stay up half the night at camp?! sheesh. well. till next time. signing off, kat I want someone to call me after 9:30 tmorrow night and say "Franny I love you" I want to read my new poem to someone and cry over it. I want to learn to play[1] baseball. Softball? Sure.
[1] I want to learn to be good at it. Hyper. ~Wind I thought teenagers were suposed to know everything, but it was not true, so I thought that maybe when I got past being a teenager, I would know everyting, well, I am still confused... maybe I will become a hermit... it is temping somedays. but not today. Everyone has grown up. I have 3 friends with cars, they shop for apartment buildings and read "help wanted" ads. They are falling in love, out of love, away within and discovering new things. But i'm still loved with makes me have faith in playing the adventure again. Mitchell and I talked last night and decided that we werent getting back together again. Which feels wierd. I am so glad to have friends, but feeling this single feels... strange. Its overcaste-yet-sunny out which makes me feel aprehensive and alive. I wanted yesterday to last forever. -Dawn Today. No, tomorrow. Tomorrow everthing that needs doing shall be done. Tomorrow we stop living as if we're writing a play out of it and start living messily. Painting and telephoning and yelling and sleeping. Today's our last day. Maybe. ~wind~ what a freaking weird way to be woken up this morning, haveing my Mom come in, and tell me that my Grandmother who has been in the hospitle for the last few months, died this morning... I knew it was going to happen some time, even tho everyone was saying she was doing ok.. not great, but ok...
I wish I had knowen her better.
I went on a 2 & a half hour-long walk in the backroads in the hills today. I'm gonna make some challah. For some reason when I'm out walking I feel like I want to do everything. And that I can do everything...almost... I don't even feel lonely, just pleased to be alive. I'm leaving for Colorado in two weeks. You people kick, and I'll be seeing y'all really soon... Im in the closest thing to home since for 10 months. Seattle is as beautiful as i remember. Thoughts on the past few months and what i have learned fill me. It is good to be young and able to love.. Dawn i feel like white wall paper. whenever i change my shape or pattern i feel out of place or my choice is lieing to myself on how i am or have people stare peas are squishy I'm awake still (11:18) and I'm not tired but there's nothing to do. I should write but lately that's felt so pointless. Anyone ever up for listening to poetry over the phone? Just an idea. I'd probably never get up the courgae:) FrannyIsRad
Today I hung out with an old friend, Maraya. We had lots of fun together, and listened to RENT in her room while I played with crayons and a hot plate (which resulted in me having melted wax which is always fun.) So it was a good day but I'm all the more confused about...everything. Maraya and I talked about a ton of stuff so I'm just confused. I love the sun. and I really really miss my insane kim. it was a good day. Today I saw Tibetan monks do a mandala disspertion ceremony and throw the sand into the ocean. I got a little bit of the sand in a little plastic baggie (the monk who was handing it out was like "Ziplock!" with a big grin. It was funny) and at Roya's suggestion, I'm going to glue some to my journal. I am sunburned and life is good.
I confused myself today. I am confused a lot and lately I have been feeling very unhappy with myself/body. I don't like that. I feel simple and I don't think I want to be. I feel older than I want to. I feel younger than I want to. I am not ready to turn 15. I don't want to grow up. I have a secret now. For years I've never really had a secret that I didn't want to tell anyone and now I do. That makes me feel very volnurable. I am sweet. I am sharp. FrannyIsRad Typed all of Sylvia Plath's Daddy, then erased it. Wrote this. You do not do, you do not do, anymore, black shoe. I am over it. It's done. And I wanted this to be known.. Today I went to a dance. I'm eight dollars poorer, and about that many dances richer. I've walked along a route I've never been on before. I've gone past big hotels I'm glad I don't stay in, past little houses with gardens I would love to live in. I walked past a garden of geraniums that spelled out "Welcome to Victoria" in huge, pink letters. I ate pizza and tofu, and caeser dressing, which didn't have anchovies. I smiled at people. They smiled back. One smiled at me twice, and made me miss the beat while dancing. Both times. Today, I was terrified of nice people, glad I have new shoes. And now, I'm going to sleep while I still have raindrops on my nose from smelling the roses on the way home.
Today I am
talking to myself.
I think she's doing good.
I use to not look at her,
just walk past her and
never take the time
to look lisson and feel.
But now I do.
She's a really neat person ...
worthy of everything she gets,
good and bad.
Sometimes I get mad at her
and slap her accross the face
cut her flesh and
starve her body.
But she gets me back for them all.
She gives me a good talking too
and tells me to wake the fuck up.
What's funny is now I know this -Heather- the person people love so much.
I talk to her all the time
so people think I'm crazy.
They walk past me on my bike
pointing there boany fingers saying:
Who's she talking to?
She's talking to herself!
She's crazy!
Don't smile back kids
she'll make you crazy too.
Don't look into her crying eyes
they will suck you in.
Don't tuch her shaking body
hers will colaps under your waight.
I can still hear the burning words in my ears
all I can say is fuck y'all!
I've got all I need right here in my name
Coffee is also chocolatey. I'm Back!Yay! My mum relented, and we have internet useage once again! Wowie, in one week a message boards been added.... pretty spiffy Rick! I'll be e-mailing or posting to you all shortly... Much loveJadzia:-) I feel tired and grumpy and not wanting to clean my room or wash more windows or anything that is on my list of things to do, and which I would really be enthusiastic about if I were in a better mood. My whole body is just going "Grr." I'm very very very glad Roya's here, but we haven't had any deep conversations yet, and our only writing marathon disolved into giggles and pen fights after about ten minutes. Roya's reading in my room right now. Do you loose something in a friendship when you live together? I guess you loose the immediacy, the "we have to do everything right now and make it count" thing... I'm awfully tired. Words come flowing out tonight, painting themselves onto the paper. I am the paintbrush, only the tool they use to paint their pictures.
I feel like life is accelerateing. I'm about to visit Katelet (yay yay!) and than go up to Seattle to make some darn money . . . within the next bunch of weeks I hope (plan) to be moving, getting dual citizenship, cementing some friendships anew, starting the delightful ordeal of job searching again, learning a new transit system in a new city in a new fuckin country! Oy Vey and Gods help me, but things move fast sometimes. I love feeling life's wind in my hair.
im ok today i think im gunna make it ok! tohmasNBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 2 times, last edited on September 25, 2001 by jekissa@nbtsc.org. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
