I don't know. Some days are just not bright. The sky is dark, and your family is solemn. People are far away and crushes are distant.. and the music is sad. Things that slowly get to you. write them out, maybe it will help. Wanna balance this a bit? ThingsThatSubtlyLiftYou ?
Never knowing what she's thinking or how she's feeling. Never knowing if I matter.
-emilyoh Like I said, we should talk sometime. aimlessness, indecision, drugs, separation and unrest. -mike
[1] as with all family matters, i love them desperately, but...it's complicated. Not knowing how to ask for help.... and then when I try to ask for it, I don't get it or I get brushed off. -eira a friend smokes pot. i'm worried about him. he doesn't listen to us, either... what am i going to do...
-Dawn
- Naela, having a rare bad day.
-Dawn dude. i'm just a puddle in some dark doorway right now: the flu. barely 5 hours of sleep a night. but a future, hot damn, i'm gonna have myself a future....... the here and now is looking kinda mushy. i want medication. i am tired of things being difficult. i want the easy way out.
franny is being dissolved by
Why do all the personall issues have to come up the night before camp ends? I have a....nominal sized one that I would have liked some extra face time to work out. I hate how I didn't even get to come close to clearing it up. *sigh* Ben meeting people, loving people, leaving people. i don't feel like i have a home right now. marina's house has been my home for three weeks, and now i'm not there. my own house is uncomfortable. i miss people. i leave again on friday, which i am happy about. but how will i deal with the aftermath of camp? two days after nbtsc i go to Patricks Point, another homeschooling campout. but then after that...? i am dissolving without arms holding me up. this tears me apart at the seams. laughing so hard makes the silence ten times emptier afterwards, and my body shakes alone. "the time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love." Lisa Loeb that wears me down.
why do you need me so badly, why are you trying to suck who i am out of me through my pours? dont lean so hard, i am only made of carbon. -Dawn 7*19*01 love. sucks. shit. well maybe just today. today today i miss thomas. its eating away at me yet it makes me feel so alive. im anoyed at myself in the past two months ive lost 6 pounds grr bad girl no cookie im just sorta in a odd mood missing thomas anoyed at myself for not eating right haveing temptaions to cut for the first time in /months/ but most of all missing thomas sigh today makes me wounder what i live for
I've been in a strange mindset/mood for the past month or so. It's not directly in regards to one thing, moreso it's a lot of little things that have been building up, and just seem to press down on me from all sides. On the outside, I'm still the happy person everyone percieves me to be, constantly smiling, laughing, joking around. Always there if someone needs me. And yes, I admit that is how I feel sometimes, but not nearly as much as people think. I'm saddened by the fact that to quote a line from the movie Bounce, "I don't have a last call of the day, I want a last call of the day". That I don't have someone to call up, and tell my problems too. My friends seem preocupied with their own lives, and I'm glad to listen, but they never want to do the same for me. Also, I guess it's hard for them, because they all have their own best friend and I'm not it. Don't get me wrong, my family is here for me, but it's not the same. I need someone who is not directly involved, someone with whome I know I can trust, and I just haven't been able to find that. The one person who I was starting to feel that way towards has dissapointed me, deep down. Though I doubt they'll ever realize it, and will certainly never read this. I feel something for someone, and I can never tell, even after talking about it, what their thoughts/feelings about me are. I'm constantly getting mixed messages. One minute I'm feeling as if I'm soaring on top of the world, just from talking to this person for a minute, the next moment I feel like I don't matter, and am throughly depressed because I didn't get a call or e-mail back from this person. Note: I'm referring to "this person" because I don't feel like disclosing identity at this time, mostly because my sister reads wiki, and I don't want to talk about it with her right now, as much as I love her, this isn't something I want to talk about at the present time. I'm trying really, really hard to get over my feelings, and not to call or see, or e-mail this person repeatedly, because I don't know whats up with them. The last 3 times we've talked, this person told me they were confused, didn't say about what, and when I've asked the answer was "this, that, life in general". Maybe this person needs time to figure out exactly what they are feeling towards me. I don't know anymore. For the first time in weeks, I was happy without reason yesterday. It was incredible. I'd had what most would consider a bad day, and yet I was really, really happy inside. I think it had to do with the fact that I admitted to myself that I am falling in love with this person, and even if I haven't the slightest idea as to what their feeling in response, just admitting it to myself has lightened my anxiety, worry, sadness immensly. I used to think, how can I fall in love with someone, before I even kiss them, before I know how they feel. I used to think, "no, it's not falling in love, it's just really, really liking this person". To me, this is one of my most favorite people in the universe, just hearing their voice makes my whole day. A conversation with them has me glowing. Being told that I was one of their really close friends, and that they couldn't talk to anyone else the way they talked to me, that made me feel something I'm not even going to try to describe right now. I'm not depressed persay, and I don't want anyone who reads this to think I am. I admit, I have my moments, but than again so does everybody. I'm just dealing with a lot of things right now, and this person is just the tip of the ice berg, though 'tis a large tip I admit. I've been quieter than I normally am lately, words haven't been coming as easily, and I seem to be writing more (in my paper journal) than I ever have before. My attitude about life is changing, my perspective is different, and even if nothing happens other than friendship with this person, it's still been and continuing to have a big impact on my life, attitude, realizations, thoughts... I want a hug, not from my family, and not even online, I just need someone else's arms wrapped around me, telling me that they are there for me, and that everything will work out. ~Jadzia~ I'm basically broke again. I have a job, but I never do more than make ends meet. It's wearing on me at the moment. I have no time for projects and no money to take time off to work on them. Not that I have anyone to work with right now anyway. I talked to Tessa again for the first time in over a month today. In the last month, I've spent every day hoping that she'd be my friend again. I need close friends right now. I'm having a tough time right now. She basically told me that because she heard something misinterpreted about something that went on between me and someone else, she and Robyn want essentially nothing to do with me. This, from a caring, beautiful pair of people, who, until I was absolutely crushed by this evening, I wanted to be happy together. I feel awful, burning spite, the long-lived kind that wrecks friendships and communities. I'm trying to stop it, and I was asking for help from her, and she just made it worse. I went to her, hoping to be excited over what I've decided I want to do with my life, hoping to get some encouragement or something, and I got a bland opinion and a brush-off. It hurts like crazy, and she doesn't even seem to care. Is this how one treats friends? Thanks alot. I've been feeling resentful and hurt by Tessa and Robyn a lot, and I've been quiet, out of respect for them, but now I need friends more than I need to protect them, so I'm crying out here. I feel like shit for it, but I'd feel worse contnuing to brew in silence. I wish they'd just realize that they're hurting people, and trying not to care is only going to make it worse. I'm not the only one they've hurt recently. I feel sick.
In all fairness, I choose to reply to this. I dislike taking personal dissagreement into public space, however, this post of Ari's feels like an attempt to dirty my reputation for the people who don't know me well yet, and get people to take sides (yuck). It is easy to see Rick as the victem here, and that is fine with me I suppose, if that's the role he chooses to play, but the conversation we had this afternoon was two sided, and each side deserves conciderate treatment. What I'm hearing you say, Rick, is that you saw an old friend (and girlfriend) you'd been hoping wasn't upset with you, but were dissapointed because she is. You were hoping for some love and encouragement and didn't get what you were after. It makes you feel angry and uncared for, and wanting to hurt something because you hurt. You were (are) excited about this new idea of yours and wanted to bounce it off her. She wasn't interested in helping and it hurt you. This is a person you like and respect usually but her actions today make you unhappy and angry towards her. You would like some support from the community. I can see you feeling all of this. You are perfectly entitled to express these feelings and request support. The expectations that are unrealistic are to expect the optimal reaction to all of them from someone who has made her own (informed, not ungrounded) decision to no longer devote herself to supporting all of your needs and emotions. And, to bounce private plans off of her without first telling her they were such. I have a sweetheart, a partner, who I do not choose to keep secrets from, and to ask that I do is disrespectful and unrealistic. To the accusation that Robyn adn I have been hurting people recently...please, anyone who feels hurt, don't hesitate to email us about it. I'm not aware that I've been on a emotional disregard spree lately, but if so I'm happy to deal with the consiquences as fairly and attentivly as possible. Take care all, bless you for wading through the detritus of the last ten months of three lives here.
once again, thank you for trusting us with this, <hugs>
~Dean of FalsePride ps, * feeling like i need to establish that i'm with the band, False Pride. My parents. Missing people that I Love. Not being allowed to get a job so I can get out of here and travel. Being young. Having my real friends live far away. And the ones that live close are on vacation.
Wanting to leave, but knowing I can't. People teasing me about boys. (For instance, every boy I mention, my mom thinks I go out with/am interested in/am intent on marrying). Not being open with people when I want to, for fear of their reaction. Rejection. Hate. Lonliness. Fear. having to look after myself, every day, day after day, in places where i dont speak the language, dont understand the signs, on limited money and time as i try to *stay happy* all the time no matter what because after all, im doing this for the fun of it. The pressure i put on myself to always be happy is dissolving me. Dawn being in love with someone who left you for his ex-girlfriend, and now seems content to use you for you webcam and you willingness to (still) shed your clothing for him. being in love with someone who does things just because he knows they'll bother you and set you off. being in love with someone who doesn't understand and doesn't care. realising that this is all referring to the same person, and cursing him for his name, which is so sacred, and cursing him for how much he knows, how much his eyes, his hands, his mouth and mind know. he's dissolving me with his inconsistent attention. he's dissolving me with the memory of what we had. he's dissolving me with his ever under-lying hints that there'll be something again. "come what may, I will love you until my dying day" -cloe (june 16, 2001 1.33am est) I am being slowly dissolved by my crappy life! My parents divorce has taken a really big toll on me, and then my parents re-marrying. It is just all fucked up. I don't have any really good friends to talk with, i can't do alot of things that i really want to do. I need to get AWAY from my family for a little while, but hell, i can't do that either. I need a vacation from my life!! I want a job so i CAN do things, but i can't find one. ah shit, my life sucks right now, no let me rephrase that, I suck right now. Dammit, i need a confidante *blows her nose and wipes her eyes*. Somebody squeeze me *cries alittle, then alot* The thoroughly depressed ~Snow~ I'm being slowling dissolved because there's only like a 1% chance I'll get to camp this summer, and it's not looking terribly likely that I'll get to go to theory either *teary eyed* and i'm sad... i want to meet you guys, and have fun, and just...arg!! Fuck, I WANT to go to camp. But unless something radical happens, not this summer. I am REALLY REALLY hoping to be in portland, Oregon in august... soo... maybe i'll get too meet some of you then. ~*~The very sad Jasmine in Alaska~*~ i am disolving into a pile of nothingness and happiness is sand between my fingers. My mother is disolving me. She makes me fucking mad and i don't know how to deal with it. I finally fit in with "the popular ones" and after months and years of wanting it os bad it hurt inside, do I like it? NO I do not! How's that for ironic. Because I have to change to be like them. And no matter how much i change there is always something else that's wrong and i want to just quit changing and go back to who i was before but i can't and it scares me so much. I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. i should be who i want me to be. shouldn't i? i am sick of being jelous. it rips a person up inside. i'm sick or worrying, which i do a lot. i'm sick of crying and i'm sick of missing people and i'm very mad at myself for not having the nerve to sign it because i want people to read and acnowledge that i'm not the free easygoing teenager i always promised myself i would be. i will sign this someday but right now it's just too hard. i want to write a story of ultimate sadness. the sadness that "has no more tears to weep." but the music is more angry than anything else, and in this half darkness, i don't know what my sadness even looks like. i vaguely remember it looking like a girl with perfectly painted yellow nails and hair that changed colors every day. maybe this is a story about regret. maybe every cliche i've ever abhorred is coming back to hit me in the face. i've trained my eyes to look above the ground for so long now, that i've forgotten to watch where i'm stepping. i forgot to make sure i turned where you said to. i forgot to meet you later in life - i forgot that we had those glittering plans for our future. but i'm stumped now. the winds have died down, and i'm taking time out to look around me, for the first time in a long time. i don't recognize this place. i think of the stories, poems, and songs you would write about it if you were here. maybe that's why i still write. i think that i haven't seen any of your writing for so long. i think that the last time i did, i didn't understand it. i didn't know who you'd written it for. maybe that's my sadness. it's in blue ink. do you remember that? tracing lines up and down your arm? it had the same effect as a map, for me. i followed you as far as it took you, as far as i was afraid to go. sadness is moving away from the only place i've ever known her in. i wonder if you recognize this story at all. if it's familiar for you. if you tried, could you fall back into that old habit? i don't think i've ever left. you moved on, with your car, your job, your friends, your boyfriends. i have the same story playing like a cd on repeat; over, and over, and over. how many times could you hear the same thing without getting tired? this story doesn't have a conclusion. it can't, possibly. it's made up of fragments, like song clips, collaged on the walls inside my head. snatches of the guitar, of your voice, of giggling on the phone. i don't remember the beginning. i don't know the ending. i've finally been swallowed up by one of our stories. i've finally been pulled in to our fairy tales, the ones that wrapped like electricity from person to person, with no start and no finale. just a slice from the life of 2 girls who knew they were going to do great things some day. who knew that their lifes would start somewhere around the corner. the story of ultimate sadness: the story of two lives diverging. the story that has to have a happy ending, but not even the author knows how to finish it. LOVE. Breaking up with two people the same month. Not being able to talk to my
closest friends. watching a friend and knowing how far away they are, and that no matter how hard you try, you can't bridge that gap. because they're on that journey alone, or with somebody else, and you want to be there with them, and you're... stuck home. stuck. left behind. having a dream that makes you smile and laugh, and love.. and waking up and remembering that your life is a world of being awake, practical, with no time for remembering those dreams once you wake up. having so so so so much love and no one to receive it. being tired. being down. i'm just disolving and there's no one here to wipe up the mess. Rosemary's list:
Feeling helpless. Watching friends hurting and not being able to do anything to help. I know this is not very bad, But, it piss's me off! I can't go to camp for like 3 years... Because I'm 11 right now, My birthday is after camp(oct 20)......Siigh...
Hell yeah you can hug here!:-) Alex hugs I'm in love and I can't have her full attention every minute of the day. We won't see eachother for at least three months over the summer. I'm in love and jelous, and feeling alone. To top it all off, My grandfather died this morning. (4/12/01). Could everyone please SqueezeLorin. I'm constantly being afraid of rejection. Which makes me not express myself as much as I want to...which makes me feel icky inside. Sometimes I can feel it in my chest, this big knot. -jessica c. I'm petrified that my journals will never be published and therefore will never help anyone... that me trying to do illustrations freelance will crash and burn... that i'll never get my meds worked out and never figure out where my head is... that i'll never get people to succumb to the idea that i HATE the name 'ann' and wished to be called Aeris. -Aeris I'm dealing with my parents divorce even after 2 years...my dad tells me he can't blame the kids at school for hating me and that he doesn't even like who I've become. he makes me retreat and cry, and then he cries and makes me feel guilty. i talk to my mom and she tells me that i'm self centered and i should care about him more. he's the one that's emotionally abusive and she just tells me that i'm a disrespectful bitch. i'm scared that becuz i quit school i'm gonna lose all my friends. i just talked to my best friend on the phone but i feel like they could turn around so fast and just decide that they don't like me anymore. if that happens i'll have no one. my dad is verbally abusive, my mom says i'm not nice to be around anymore, and it seems like my friends are on the verge of leaving me. i have no one to turn to. WhyDoesLifeMatterAnymore? ~Kymi~ My name. Sometimes I think I'm name obsessive ~hell, I know I am. I hate how people see my name and me. I would give a lot to become someone else for a while. I know it's not good self-promotion and all that, that if I made myself better I'd love the way people see me. But it's easier to blame them than myself. I'm too honest. Will this never fail to upset me, that I share this ultimate thing called a soul with so many people in so many ways, sometimes as simple as a meeting of eyes? I remember every one. I hate being trapped, always inside something, lately myself, and I hate that I am letting you read this instead of being intrinsically blond, lovely and bubbly. That I have the desire to figure myself out and do. Figuring yourself out? That's what other people are for! I wonder if all I'm looking for in life is someone to figure me out. Plbbbt. I want...something. Someone to help. Someone to be. I'll write a person and fashion myself after it...and tomorrow I'll do it again... ~Raina~ -i want everything i cant have- -i dont care for the things i got-
This very moment its the fact I have to clean throw up from my bedroom, stairs, hall and bathroom. Its morning, it's dried and smelly, it sucks. I'm overwelmed and with a huge math test in less then a week I shouldn't be...I can't find work...I can't find me *shippy* ~~~~~~~~ 18-08-2001 i'm finding it hard to let go of a long standing relationship and it is killing me slowly he has moved on with someone else, he has lied, deceived, broke every promise made to me in my heart i know he has no love for me but i would listen for any small ray of hope he offered and let that comfort me but it is getting worse and i cant sleep i cant eat i cant work i am captured, by the hurt i feel inside nothing else matters i cant fight any longer i can feel myself slipping off - i admit to God and myself i cant do this anymore the constant negative behavior is eroding my soul I have to leave it in Gods hands to help me overcome this. I am a fighter i have never given up on anything or one before i dont know how to give up only how to fight but i have never felt like this before either. //Eve// Wind's list. Too many dreams. Too many people. Not enough love. Not enough practicality Not enough time. Life sucks, and it's drinking my milkshake. Life Feb. 2002 Lying in bed every night at about 4:00 or 5:00 AM, not yet asleep and sometimes only about one hour before my mom gets UP for the day, I tend to have a lot of things. Last night was no exception. Like feeling completely lonely, and like I have only myself to take care of me because there's no one else and my whole family has all gone to bed and is sound asleep anyway; and worried about diseases and bad thigns happening to me; and upset for my mom who's in a grad school program she hates right now but doesn't feel she can quit because it's her last semester, and upset that that involves a two-hour drive for her, that she also hates, and worried for her; and upset about not having had any time to write in my journal lately to process my thoughts and what's been happening; and upset that I've been spending 4 or 5 hours vegged in front of the TV for the last 5 nights to watch the Olympics, but getting sucked into hours of ads and sexist and/or sexually explicit stuff and trash and crap, and not being used to TV and it's pull and underhanded slimy drive for money and corporate power, because we don't even technically have a TV and I NEVER watch television; and upset that that's taken up a good large portion of my free time of every day this week; and upset about having this silly thing of night-owlism and not ever, ever going to sleep or getting up at "normal" times like the "real world," and having 9:15 AM be incredibally early; and mad about America and our silly politics; and upset that I haven't met any of you NBTSC unschoolers yet; and that my job has gone all haywire and I don't really have it anymore, but don't know how long until I DON'T, and that I haven't known what to expect every time I go in since about two weeks ago; and that all the stuff I want to do involves a 45-minute drive; and taht driving is scarey and stupid but a skill I want to have anyway so I can feel "Tough", but don't really want to use going 45 minutes away; and mad that no one seems to understand sometimes. And...OK. I'll quit now. Sigh.
Thanks. --- these things aren't dissolving me. i won't let them. but they are what i am struggling with right now.
~jenny Archives NBTSWikiWiki | Recent Changes Edited 212 times, last edited on April 3, 2002 by 66.69.195.125. © 2000 NBTSC Webmasters |
Elizabeth
